I See All Their Shine

It was explained that his friend would read his speech for him during the 8th grade graduation because he was anxious about it. They stood together in front of the podium as she read his poignant words. 

One phrase in particular struck me. She read, "I finally found myself, my shine, my person."

Blessings to him for even standing up on that stage. I remember my own anxiety at that age, how crippling it became late in high school, and how I didn't really overcome it until my 30's. Mostly overcame it; I finally found my shine. I felt blessed to witness this young man's accomplishment at his age, and it reminded me all over again how we can overcome.

I attended three different graduations as a school board member -- one elementary, one middle school, and one high school -- and listening to what the student speakers had to say about making it through the pandemic and the isolation of distance learning and ultimately thriving due to family, friend, and of course, teacher support. 

Every student has a story and their stories are exponentially important to all of us today about resiliency, support, and love. I talked to my wife Amy about this recently as it related to our own two teens, one in middle school and one in high school now. With all the love and support we've given our children over the years, it's hard to watch them struggle with their own anxieties at times. Amy reminded me that they are teens; it's normal developmentally. That they struggled with isolation throughout the pandemic. That even though they have healthy friendships, their brains and bodies are developing rapidly, and the stress of feeling liked and included is excruciating at times (duh, I do remember). That they are more aware than ever of the world's volatility around us and how social media scrolling demons can haunt them day after day.

We always talk about all these things with our kids, and it's like Amy and me are living it all again, but this time we feel like we're giving them more grounded guidance, love, and support than we got growing up. Our oldest Beatrice will graduate high school in three years and our youngest Bryce will graduate 8th grade next year.

Sigh. And even though our kids weren't graduating this year, I relived the bittersweet moments of each grade as I witnessed the elementary, middle school, and high school graduation ceremonies as a school board member (all schools where our kids have attended and currently attend). 

The last graduation I went to was the Santa Cruz High School ceremony, and one by one the seniors were called up to receive their diplomas. I shook their hands, said congratulations, handed them their diploma case, and reveled in the diverse supernova of potential lighting up each face. When the last diploma case was handed out, I got to speak to the students and state that they were now certified high school graduates -- congratulations to the class of 2024! They cheered and clapped and I was just as proud of all of them as their families and friends were. 

I thought about the 8th grade graduate from the day before and the speech he wrote about finding himself and thought: I see all their shine, burning bright with hope, empathy, and love. And for that, I am grateful. 

Getting It All Done

I sat at my desk working on algebra homework after school. I was in junior high at the time and loved math, did very well in math, but didn't always love all the homework (of any subject). What teenager does? True, I always felt like I had accomplished something important in finishing the homework and studying for quizzes and tests when I had them, no matter how long it took. And the reward was in understanding what I was learning, and of course, good grades. 

What made it all more palatable during the homework time was the music I'd listen to. I put in an 8-track tape of Aerosmith, Kansas, Journey, or another rock band of the time (this was a few years before I became the Rush fan I still am today). Yes, 8-track tapes. I had those along with cassettes and record albums. 

Not really the best study music, and definitely not reading music (I did turn off the music when I was just reading), I still enjoyed my rock and roll with math, history, science, and other subjects throughout junior and high school. 

Yes, my parents would ask me every day if I had homework, and remind me to do said homework, and I got it done, with or without my music. The deeper into high school I got the later I would stay up, although that wasn't always the best time to study and finish homework. I had to because playing sports and other extracurricular activities ate up my after school time, especially in the fall when I played football. But I got it done. It's always a beautiful mess in progress. 

For our own children today, we've impressed upon them good study habits and the autonomy to get their homework done and study for tests. We do ask them if they have homework every day, and they can get stressed about getting their work done, but most of the time their own developing work ethic keeps them on task. Also, they both love their own music sometimes when they're doing their homework. Our middle schooler Bryce is a night owl and will work after dinner and late sometimes, and our high schooler Beatrice likes to be fresh in the morning before school, or to do if before dinner if there's time. No matter when and where, they're doing the work. 

We help our kids when they have questions about their schoolwork, or at least try to help them. Some of these subjects we haven't studied for decades, and the curriculums have certainly evolved over time. We've found that, if we can't help them, even if we look up the subjects online for refreshers, having them attempt to explain to us what they're trying to learn actually helps them find the answers we can't help them with. And in their explaining, we follow along a little bit better and learn something ourselves. My goodness, I had AP calculus in high school, and I have no idea about the math they're doing today. Mom is also more patient than me, and the usual go-to; I'm like the substitute teacher that way. 

In the end, our kids are getting it all done with their unique strengths and struggles, and in their own unique autonomous ways, with great grades to show for it and we couldn't be prouder. Even with a little teen whining along the way. Or a lot. 

To Never Forget The Kids

We were almost home when I realized I'd forgotten our oldest daughter Beatrice. In my defense, she had been hanging out with friends after school of late, so I didn't think about her. Not even our youngest daughter Bryce asked about Beatrice, assuming the same.

But it was Bea's short day in high school, when she gets out about the same time Bryce does in middle school. That's when Beatrice will walk over to the middle school and I get them both, unless they have other after school activities (theater and sports now), or they're seeing friends, or they want to walk, or their riding bikes, or whatever. That part I'd forgotten, that I'd get them together on Mondays after school. 

Why I'd forgotten, I don't know, because our pattern doesn't vary much. Most of the time, my wife Amy takes the girls to school, and I pick them up after school, again, depending on their plans (except when I'm traveling for work). Always the back and forth everywhere, all the time, until Beatrice starts to drive, but that's still probably two years away.

Maybe I had a lot on my mind, who knows. So, that Monday when Bryce and I were nearly home, we get a text from Beatrice: "When do you want me to go to the car?"

Bryce read it out loud. "We forgot Bea."

Crap, I thought. "Subpar," I said. "We're nearly home. Let me drop you and then I'll go back to get her."

"No, let's just go get her," Bryce said, texting her back that we were on our way now.

The good news is that both schools are only about two miles from where we live. I backtracked to get her, thinking she was at the middle school where she would usually go on Mondays. The part I had forgotten. But, part of her text was that she was still in a teacher's room at school, and both Bryce and I thought that meant at the high school. 

We were nearly to the middle school and that's when we turned around and went to the high school. Not realizing until after further texts from Bea that was actually at the middle school, where she was supposed to go in the first place. So, after reaching the high school, we turned around again and headed to the middle School.

It became a "who's on first" Abbott and Costello comedy routine, as well as a Home Alone parody. I'd forgotten to get Beatrice when I picked up Bryce, and then it became a comedic puzzle for Bryce and me to figure out exactly where Beatrice was. Thankfully she forgave us and got a kick out of it when I slapped the palms of my hands to my cheeks and yelled "Kevin!" (Home Alone is one of her favorites). I have more sympathy for the McCallister family now, considering I had always sworn to never forget the kids, no matter how much is on my mind. And this time I did. Mercy me.

Why They Are And Who You Are

We recently watched Footloose again, this time with our teens, but they didn't really like it. How dare them! My wife Amy and I loved that movie growing up. Besides being a fun teen coming of age story, there's a heavy part when the church members start tossing library books into a burning trash can because they feel they destroying their children's souls. This is after banning dancing a few years prior due to a horrible accident that killed some local teens. The minister is mortified seeing his congregation burning books and he implores them to stop. He tells them all: 

"When did you decide to sit in judgment? When you’ve burned all of these [books] what are you gonna do then? Satan is not in these books, he’s in here … He’s in your hearts. Go on home, all of you. Go and sit in judgment of yourselves."

Amen. And in a way, books actually saved me. From 10 years old onward, I read all sorts of books, mostly fiction, science fiction, fantasy, and even suspense and horror (I loved Stephen King). I'd stay up late into the night reading. Growing up with domestic violence and sexual abuse, I could escape into all the stories read. Fantastical stories that transported me to other worlds, peoples, pleasures, and pain. Those that weren't mine, even if I could relate to what was happening to the characters, how they responded, and how they were transformed. 

In 7th grade, The Lord of the Rings embraced me. I even learned to write in Dwarfish runes and would role play with some of my friends. I also remember reading The Phantom Tollbooth in class that year and the wordplay was enchanting. I loved the story and that began a parallel reading journey of all that I consumed inside and outside the classroom. 

The English literature curriculum I had throughout junior high and high school was transformative for me. I had no idea that reading books like Brave New World and 1984 back then would be so relevant and scary today. I also don't remember if any books at the time were banned from our schools, but looking back now, books like The Grapes of Wrath, Of Mice and Men, and The Color Purple were banned by many school districts across America in the 1980's due to profanity, sexuality, and violence. 

Even growing up evangelical, I never fully understood why so many books were banned outright, instead of simply ensuring age-appropriate consumption if there was explicit material. However, for a 6-month stretch my sophomore year in high school I reactivated my evangelical upbringing by attending a weekly youth bible study where we were told that most things that weren't of God were evil and should be destroyed before they destroyed us. Thankfully I didn't burn any books back then, but I did burn some of my record albums. Eventually I woke from that dystopian Christian stupor even hungrier for new ideas and perspectives and escapism, and my voracious appetite for reading (and the truths in life) continued without delay. 

What's with book banning today? Are we more enlightened and inclusively empathic with what we want our children to read and learn? The short answer is no.

In a recent report by PEN America, the nonprofit free speech organization cited 1,477 instances of books being prohibited during the first half of the 2022-23 academic year, up 28.5% from 1,149 cases in the previous semester. Overall, the organization has recorded more than 4,000 instances of banned books since it started tracking cases in July 2021. And many of these books are largely by and about people of color and LGBTQ individuals. 

4,000 banned books from school districts across America since July 2021? What the hell is going on? What are we so afraid of? Now that we have kids, teens actually, we encourage them to read every day and we're grateful for our school district's inclusive curriculum. Both have been readers since they were little, and while they each have their own reading tastes today, we encourage them to read without any heavy-handed parental censorship. Of course we want to know what they're reading and what the content entails to ensure it's not age inappropriate, but we also want them to learn about other worlds, peoples, pleasures, and pain, just like we did growing up and why we still read so much today. 

Our teens will experience their own angst and heartbreaks, but we want them to understand what others experience as well, to learn about other cultures and ideologies and see the world with eyes of love and empathy without whitewashing the tragic truths throughout our history. This includes everything they're taught in school besides what they read outside of school.  

Writer James Baldwin wrote, "You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive."

That's exactly how I felt growing up. Reading books of all flavors can help us become better humans, to feel connected to other humans, and we want to nurture who are teens are becoming, not what we want them to be out of fear and prejudice. So, read a banned book today and open your eyes to a new world of perspectives. It doesn't mean you have to agree or live in that world, but it does mean you'll get a better understanding of why they are and who you are. 

A Renaissance of Pure Potentiality

We've always told our kids that it's not about the school grades, it's about doing their personal best and learning. Our oldest Beatrice would argue that we do care about grades, especially now that she's been in middle school for the past two-plus years. She's not completely wrong nor is she completely right on that one. For me, someone who grew up constantly striving to excel in school with the payoff being the grades, and the parental and peer recognition and social acceptance that came from that. What I didn't consciously realize then was that it wasn't so much about the learning; it was about being esteemed, even envied. 

It's different now. I'm different now. My wife Amy has definitely been more about pure potential and willingness to do our best, whatever the outcome, and I'm there now, too. Because the outcomes literally should be learning and growth as humans trying to traverse a lifetime of inevitable challenges and failures. Some self-imposed and many others brought on by others as well as circumstance. 

Our youngest Bryce has an easier time with her schoolwork overall than her big sister does. Don't get me wrong, even with Beatrice who struggles with math and reading, they both are thriving in school (Bea has an A+ in English -- and there's the grade pride thing again). Their grades reflect that, yes, but their entire daily exercise of living has translated to else their abilities to learn, adapt, and apply new insights to how they approach life as teens and beyond.

However, a lifetime of inevitable challenges and failures, whether self-imposed or not, isn't how life should be viewed exclusively. Yes, they will make decisions that won't be in their best interest. Yes, there may also come a time when they are discriminated against and opportunities withdrawn because of their gender, of who they are, of what they do.

But we want them to believe and breathe the Law of Pure Potentiality, that they can create anything, anytime, anywhere. This was one of our latest meditations and one that really resonated with me. It's based on the fact that we are, in our essential state, pure consciousness. Pure consciousness is pure potentiality; it is the field of all possibilities and infinite creativity. Pure consciousness is our spiritual essence.

Maybe we're not so far off when we tell our children they can be whoever they want to be and do whatever they want to do -- their spiritual essence is pure potential. The fact is that the challenges, limitations, and discrimination that can and will happen to them are all transitory -- they will still be able to create anything, anytime, anywhere. That includes creating love, empathy, happiness, and peace. 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right. Although I grew up a Christian, only now do I understand why others react so negatively when someone talks about their spirituality, their faith, and how God (our pure consciousness) provides. 

Our family's faith today is a renaissance of pure potentiality. Already both of our girls have started developing the ability to adapt, overcome, and to keep creating a positive vision of what's next. The latter being the biggest life differentiator of all. Grades may measure academic progress, while what we manifest measures the rest. 

Keep All of Our Students Safe

The email from our middle school principal read:

I am writing to inform you of an incident that happened this morning.  Everyone is fine, but we want to share this information with our families.  A student was approached today on the way to school by a bright blue four door sedan occupied by a few people.  The people tried to coax the student into the car.  We are bringing this to your attention for two reasons.  First, to remind you to talk to your child/children about safety and being approached by strangers.  Second, if you see a car that matches this description, please reach out to the police.  We will have additional police presence today at dismissal.  We want to help keep all of our students safe. 

Yes, we want to help keep all of our students safe. I immediately texted my wife Amy since she was out running errands. As soon as she returned home, she contacted our school principal and the other school principal (where it happened) to thank them for notifying us all and to remind them about Kidpower. Kidpower is the nonprofit organization my wife works for that includes social, emotional, and physical safety programs for children, teens, and adults, including parents. 

Our kids have been raised with Kidpower and we wouldn't have it any other way. Although "stranger danger" as it's called isn't as common as running into safety issues with people you may know, safety first is always our way every day no matter who is involved. Even when our tween and teen daughters give us eye rolls when we discuss safety issues, which they do, they still listen, and they still know what to do. 

So, after school the day the incident happened, Amy again reviewed our safety plans:

"You move away from danger. If anyone stops in a car and tries to get you inside, or is walking and just tries to get you to do something, you run away and find help and safety. You don't have to acknowledge or stop or talk with anyone trying to talk to you who you don't know, no matter what they say. 

"Because they may say, 'Hey, your mom and dad have been in an accident and I need to take you to them.' But if you don't know them, you do not go with them. Since you have phones, you get to safety, get help, and call us. 

"And even if you do know them, you know there are only a few people you're allowed to go with in an emergency. The only exceptions are if you can't get a hold of us and you need to get to safety and you do know the people who can help, and they know us, even if they're not those designated you can go with. 

"We cannot emphasize this enough -- you never have to go with someone or even acknowledge or talk to someone you don't know no matter how convincing they may be. You always move away and get to safety and to your adult in charge, whomever that is."

Eye rolls aside, our girls echoed these lessons back to us and confirmed our safety rules. Since school is back in again and now they'll ride their bikes to school sometimes, we want to help keep all of our students safe.

The Leader in Bea

As Bryce and I approached Beatrice's camp, I could hear the accolades from the camp staff and the remaining campers. It was the last day of summer day camp for the season and Beatrice received high-fives and hugs from everyone. I could feel a proud smile grow big on my face. She had been a junior leader volunteer for the summer working with younger kids seven to eight years old and she loved every minute of it. And they loved every minute of her. 

This was something she wanted to do all year since being a camper at last summer's day camp. Back in early May of this year, I remember the video interview she did to become a junior leader. She was stressed prior to the interview, but she was so confident and calm during it. Just like her younger sister was when she spoke to her 5th graduating class at the end of May. 

Beatrice will definitely be a junior leader again and wants to be part of the staff in a couple of years. We're proud to be raising such confident and empathic leaders. Kids who have been part of a public school system that has served them well. That's not always the case in other places throughout America, and the system buckled and broken further during the pandemic, which has led to frustrated and angry parents, teachers, and administrators. 

Parents of varying socioeconomic backgrounds who have looked for alternatives like home schooling or school voucher programs that gives parents a choice of possible private school programs (if they can afford to supplement the cost not covered by their current public funding). Teachers and administrators who have looked for alternate professionals, completely burnt out by the constant harassment from frustrated and angry parents, and especially from the fringe political perspectives fueled by misinformation and outright lies. 

I can't and won't speak for the parents who've struggled with their children's education elsewhere because we haven't had those same experiences, but I will say we're so grateful for all the wonderful and caring teachers, support staff, and administrators we've had over the past 10+ years of public school to date, especially during the pandemic. Distance learning sucked on some level for everyone, and yet our children always had the academic and social support that have helped them thrive. Both my wife Amy and I have also been very involved in their schools and in their education, volunteering in and out of the classroom, running the PTA, and being on the school site council. 

Beatrice's summer camp leadership journey has definitely inspired me to stay involved in our community. At the beginning of summer, when she started her junior leader journey, I was contacted school district friends asking if I'd be interested running for school board in our area. At first, I wasn't sure I could make that kind of commitment with my current work-life balance; wasn't sure my lack of education background would be liability; wasn't sure if I had recovered fully from the fringe fallout I experienced when I was on the city commission for the prevention of violence against women. 

What I am sure of today is that I want the children in our public school district get the same level of individualized academic and social support they need that our children have received. They'll both be in middle school this year and still have 5+ years to go to finish high school. The superintendent of our city schools told me that public education is one of the cornerstones of democracy, and with our republic continuing to fray in the fringe, I wholeheartedly agree. So, I actually think I may run, all thanks to the leader in Bea. 

Coronavirus Sucks, But We Don't Have To

I was at the airport ready to fly home from a speaking engagement when my wife Amy called. She was clearly upset, which isn't common for her, and what I heard her tell me was "she can't go." I had no idea what she was talking about, until she mentioned our youngest daughter Bryce. Then it became painfully clear.

Bryce had looked forward to 5th grade science camp for weeks, something that hadn't happened for three years since the pandemic started (something her big sister had to miss because of covid). Bryce had been slightly apprehensive about going, but more excited overall to experience it with her friends. Two days before science camp, the 5th graders were tested for COVID-19, and Bryce was negative.

But the morning she went to school to join her classmates on the bus to go to camp, her and a few others tested positive. At that moment, she could no longer go to science camp. It crushed her, and then it crushed Amy who had to go pick her up, and then it crushed me.

While I waited for my plane to board, I fumed about the situation and my heart ached for Bryce. Someone in line next to me started griping about having to wear masks at another airport, while the one we were in didn't require it any longer, or the airlines. Another person joined in on the griping and then they both went on yet another personal freedom diatribe that I've become so sick of -- I just wanted to tell them to shut the fuck up. 

And then I wanted to tell them that over 1 million people in the U.S. had already died from covid or covid-related complications. I wanted to tell them that over 6 million have died globally. I wanted to tell them that millions are experiencing "long covid" with a myriad of debilitating and science-stumping respiratory symptoms. Instead, I just stared straight ahead and boarded the plane. We may all want covid to go away, but it's not going anywhere anytime soon.

I was obviously angry and sad for my daughter. All I could think about on the short flight home was the fact that I wasn't there to help them in that moment. I got there soon enough though and gave Bryce a big supportive hug and told her I loved her, that it wasn't her fault she got covid. We've been instilling resilience in both our daughters, and while Bryce was disappointed in missing science camp (and a whole other week of school, another fun event, all at the end of her 5th grade year), she dealt with it better than we thought. Better than me, that's for sure. Fortunately her symptoms were brief. 

After Bryce caught covid, I got it too, even after all this time of being double vaxxed and boosted. We all spent nearly two weeks masked and isolated from each other as much as possible. However, like most viruses, SARS-CoV-2 (which causes the infectious disease known as coronavirus or COVID-19) only wants to infect its hosts, evolve, and thrive; it doesn't care about anything or anyone else they infect or those it makes sick or kills. It doesn't care about vaccinations, or antivirals, or masks, or other healthcare safety measures put into place. It doesn't care about covid deniers or anti-mask advocates (although I'll bet it thanks them in its own surly viral way). 

It doesn't care how disruptive it's been to families and communities around the world. It doesn't care that it stopped our Bryce from going to science camp and missing another fun class event in her last year of grade school. But no matter what, we're thankfully still a resilient, mostly healthy, loving, and grateful family, so blessings for that. Coronavirus sucks, but we don't have to. 

In Balanced Measure

I felt horrible that day. My asthma was killing me and it literally felt that way. The math problems in front of me blurred and shifted on the pages. Every moment felt like forever; each problem I solved felt like forever.

Somehow I made it through the day and still helped our 7th grade math team do very well in the local competition. 

I was a super shy kid in grade school and early junior high with severe allergies and asthma that continued until high school, but I still participated in organized academic and sports activities. I'm so glad I did. I have so many fond memories of these activities over the years, so many friends I made, so many things learned. Memories that continued to be made through college. The social interactions and experiences were invaluable. 

However, my wife Amy and I didn't have to grow up in a pandemic that affected every facet of our lives, and continues to do so. One that has infected over 225 million people and killed nearly 5 million globally. We had the AIDS crisis growing up, which was horrible, but it didn't effect us or our families directly (that I'm aware of). There have been different strains of flu and the H1N1 virus since, but nothing like what we're dealing with in COVID-19. 

2020 sucked. Many of us will probably agree on that one. Sheltering at home, distance learning, social distancing (or not), wearing masks (or not), hospitalizations and deaths. Limited or no extracurricular  activities for our kids. Divisive polarization in nearly every community on every issue, especially COVID-19. 

Finally vaccinations are here! Infection rates are lower! Woo-hoo! The rest of 2021 is gonna rock!

Nope. But at least our daughters are back to in-person school, and are able to participate in school and other activities with their friends. Where we live, if there's a positive covid case in one of their classrooms, then they'll have to forgo activities for 8-10 days, but at least it's not forever, like it felt in 2020. 

Nope, it won't be forever. It still sucks, but not forever. Our youngest Bryce will hopefully be vaccinated before the end of the year, and until then, she'll play soccer. I'm coaching her team and her sister Beatrice is my assistant coach -- we're the Flamingos! Bryce will also play percussion in the school band (my drumming girl!), Bea is a junior guide for an outdoor after-school program, and both are getting involved in clubs and other school activities. They love being in school again with their friends and we want to keep them there. Of course, all of this activity will be in balanced measure with family time and staying healthy and safe. Amen.

It's This Moment That Matters

"Static on your frequency
Electrical storm in your veins
Raging at unreachable glory
Straining at invisible chains..."

–Rush, The Pass

The wheels came off my senior year in high school. Riddled with anxiety and daily panic attacks, I began to skip classes. My grades suffered. What had usually been somewhat effortless for me since I could remember, completing all my work and getting mostly straight A's with math and English being my best subjects, it all became a Sisyphean task for me. Something I had always done easily felt fruitless, pointless, even painful. 

This continued into my first two years of college. And then one year at a time after that, I began ease off pushing that horrid boulder up the hill, until I finally arrived at one day on the beach. 

When I think about all those years, I try to imagine any of them, especially the end of high school, being stuck in the middle of a global pandemic. If that would've happened back then, what would've then happened back then? Would we have gone to distance learning? Would that have helped ease my panic attack, being put into much fewer social situations? Not having to go to class in person? Although the reality is the technology didn't exist back then like it does today to go to all virtual classes. There probably still would've been back and forth to school to pick up school work, and that would've been too stressful for me. 

Ugh. None of that matters though, because that's not what happened. Not even close. Today we are most certainly in a world in the middle of a global pandemic, and like millions of other parents, we're helping our two daughters traverse distance learning and limited social situations with friends and the pods we hang with. 

But unlike me growing up, our oldest Beatrice struggles with math and reading (except when it comes to saving, giving and spending her allowance). My wife Amy works with her a lot, and so do I in between work, reading with her and helping where I can. Our youngest Bryce does not struggle with any subjects, but we help her as needed as well. However, for both, it's been quite the transition going to distance learning last spring and staying in it all of this fall. They're pretty resilient, though, and we're so grateful for that. We just want them to study, to learn and to do the best they can. To try, no matter how much Bea despises math (and she's quite vocal about that). They may even get the opportunity to go back to school two days per week in the spring, if and only if COVID-19 doesn't surge again in our county (which it has of late, and everywhere for that matter). 

Unfortunately there are too many students falling behind everywhere, struggling with distance learning, with some students not even attending online school. It's been difficult for all involved -- students, parents, teachers, administrators -- everyone. We all just want things to go back to the way they were, but until we're mostly vaccinated and infection rates go down with the virus under control, there will be more distance learning and hybrid school models, and more students falling behind. 

It sucks. Plus, we just had another Friday the 13th in November. Now, 13 is my lucky number, and yet, Friday the 13th is always associated with bad luck. At dinner one night the week of November 13, Bryce became quite animated and told us that because the last day of in-person school was Friday the 13th in March, when we wake up on Friday the 13th in November we should say "Jumanji" and everything would go back to pre-covid normal. 

That didn't happen (even I hoped it would), and it will never happen, but the girls' fall semester grades did happen. For Bryce's grade school, there are no letter grades, but she had high marks overall. For Beatrice, we couldn't be prouder, because she got straight A's. It may not always look like this, but that doesn't matter. It's this moment that matters. And the next one. And the next. 

Other "Days of Coronavirus" posts:

The Bank of Mom and Dad

Something to Celebrate

The Haunted Garden

Mapping the Way

Mask Up First For Your Families

All Because of One Day on the Beach

Awash in Love and Hope

The Building Blocks of Healthy Lives

The Part Where All Lives Matter

The Clarity Bridge for Homelessness

Stars to Shine

Loving Community Wide Shots Abound

A Foundation Worth Saving

This Hit-And-Run Thunderstorm

Help Prevent the Back-to-School Bullying

Memories Now and to Come

Especially Our Kids

This Old "No" Guy Jedi

Choose Eyes of Love

The Morning Work

We Shared Blue Genes

Agree to Disintegration

The Teacher Parade

All These Things Can Lead To Grace

Our Freedom Is Always Welcome

A Well of Strength

This Bad History

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Problem

The Iceberg Underneath

The Healing Hope We Can Give

Donate Your Date Nights and Help Feed Families

About All The Things

Dad, Our Family's Computer Guy

The Newest Normal

Where Our Troubles Are All The Same

This Is The Life

When There's Nowhere to Go

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can I Turn To

Something To Celebrate

Beatrice keeps using the word in the wrong way. In her defense, she does think she's kidding, so I get that. I'll ask her to clean up her clothes or a mess she's made, and she'll say, "Dad, stop bullying me." 

We know she understands the difference; she's had enough Kidpower in her life to never get that one wrong. That's the organization my wife Amy works for that helps kids, teens and adults build healthy relationships and protect people from bullying, child abuse, kidnapping, prejudice, dating/domestic violence, and sexual assault.

But when Bea uses the word "bullying" in that context, I get uneasy. The fact is, bullying, harassment, intimate partner violence (domestic violence) and sexual assault are all to alive and well in 2020. Thankfully both her and her younger sister Bryce have the safety skills to protect themselves from all of the above, and we'll continue to reinforce them.

Because all of the above continues:

• 1 out of every 5 (20.2%) students report being bullied
• A slightly higher portion of female than of male students report being bullied at school (24% vs. 17%)
• Nearly 1 out of every 5 (19%) of people report being bullied at work -- 65% of those are women -- 70% of the perpetrators are men
• About 1 in 4 women have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and reported some form of IPV-related impact
• Over 43 million women have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime
• Females ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault
• The reasons for being bullied reported most often by students include physical appearance, race/ethnicity, gender, disability, religion, sexual orientation
• There is a strong association between bullying and suicide-related behaviors, but this relationship is often mediated by other factors, including depression, violent behavior, and substance abuse

Lots of work to do here. Plus, divisive anger, fear, hate and general toxicity have thrived this year, just more of the same from the past decade, except now we're in a global pandemic and another election year. It's never been harder for so many of us to find common ground. 

So, I'll try find some common ground here for those of us with children. Daughters in particular since that's Amy's and my world today. We all want our daughters to be safe. I don't think anyone would disagree with that. 

Check. 

We all want our daughters to be empowered with safety skills and to always be aware, calm and confident. 

Check. 

We don't want our daughters to be in toxic relationships of any kind, or support toxicity of any kind from others, whether those be friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, other adults, future bosses, future leaders, etc., and to not be a bystander as well -- to call it out when they see it. 

Check. 

And if they are in toxic relationships, for whatever reasons, we support them and help them to get out, not just tell them to deal with it. 

Check.

We want them to have healthy, loving relationships, and healthy boundaries, and have empathy for others regardless of physical appearance, race/ethnicity, gender, disability, religion, political ideology or sexual orientation. 

Check. (Although that's always a hard one for some of us.)

Because we want to be proud of our children no matter what they end up doing with their lives, and for them to lift others up instead of tearing them down. Today we can imagine that one day our daughters could be an astronaut, or an author, or an artist, or an actor, based on what they've told us to date. To have the freedom and support to make their own way regardless of where it leads, and to be safe along the way. 

My God, one of them could someday be the vice president, or even the president. Can you imagine that? How amazing would that be? 

Definitely something to celebrate! 

Other "Days of Coronavirus" posts:

The Haunted Garden

Mapping the Way

Mask Up First For Your Families

All Because of One Day on the Beach

Awash in Love and Hope

The Building Blocks of Healthy Lives

The Part Where All Lives Matter

The Clarity Bridge for Homelessness

Stars to Shine

Loving Community Wide Shots Abound

A Foundation Worth Saving

This Hit-And-Run Thunderstorm

Help Prevent the Back-to-School Bullying

Memories Now and to Come

Especially Our Kids

This Old "No" Guy Jedi

Choose Eyes of Love

The Morning Work

We Shared Blue Genes

Agree to Disintegration

The Teacher Parade

All These Things Can Lead To Grace

Our Freedom Is Always Welcome

A Well of Strength

This Bad History

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Problem

The Iceberg Underneath

The Healing Hope We Can Give

Donate Your Date Nights and Help Feed Families

About All The Things

Dad, Our Family's Computer Guy

The Newest Normal

Where Our Troubles Are All The Same

This Is The Life

When There's Nowhere to Go

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can I Turn To

Help Prevent the Back-to-School Bullying

He wouldn't let up. He just kept picking on other kids, making fun of them, especially those smaller and different than him, even shoving some to intimidate them further. This was 7th-grade woodshop for me, and while I don't remember him picking on me directly, he still scared me. I was a shy, skinny and asthmatic 13-year-old, and he, I'll call him John, was a much bigger 7th grader with a silver-capped front tooth.

Our woodshop teacher would intervene when he witnessed it, but John was good at getting away with it, too. Until my best friend at the time, Brad, finally had enough. Brad wasn't as bulky as John, but he was taller. John started picking on my long-time best friend, Robby, and Brad had had enough. I don't exactly remember if he shoved Jeff down on the ground, punched him, or both, but whatever he did, it stopped John from bugging the woodshop kids for the rest of the semester. Probably not the best choice to in confronting a bully, however, considering there could've been repercussions for Brad as well. 

Nearly two decades later, at our 10-year high school reunion, John would show up, get drunk, and start harassing a gay friend of ours, and a whole bunch of us verbally shut him down. I never knew John very well, never knew what his family life was like, what drove him to bully from an early age into adulthood. I was lucky in a way, because I never was really bullied in school, by John or anyone else in junior high or high school. I always got along with people from different backgrounds. 

Junior high for me was 7th and 8th grade and was a scary transition for me from 6th grade. Multiple classes, different periods and teachers, a locker with a combination I had to remember from day one. Physical education classes where I had to take showers with all the other guys and manage another locker for my gym clothes. Free-flowing testosterone spilling over the edges everywhere I went, all managed by Mr. Id, who only cared about grabbing girls' butts in the hallways and calling each other creative names that started with the word "dick". And my physical education teacher (who was also a multiple-sport coach) was a macho man who encouraged all the shaming Tomfoolery. 

But again, I was fortunate that I wasn't bullied directly. Even when in 7th grade I hung out with friends who all loved The Lord of the Rings, writing to each other in Elvish and Dwarfish runes. I was teased by my own friend group, and I teased them, but no bullying. 

I can't imagine being there today having to wear a mask and social distancing during a pandemic. That's complicated family and child well-being and polarized so many of us further. Today, COVID-19 is surging throughout America and school is starting and many states and school districts are sending their kids back to physical classrooms. Not ours; we're going to distance learning, probably for the entire school year.

Our youngest daughter, Bryce, starts 4th grade, and our oldest daughter, Beatrice, starts middle school soon (6th grade for her). While we're sad neither will be in school in person, more for their experiences than for us having both girls at home (we're good with it either way), we also think it may be a blessing. The pre-tween aura is already strong with her, and my wife Amy and I both remember being 12 years old. All the light and shadow swing of it. 

When I saw the image of the Georgia high school hallway packed with teenagers with no social distancing whatsoever, some wearing masks and many others who were not, my first thought wasn't fear of coronavirus transmission. 

My fear is about the bullying, the shaming and the ostracizing. For both those wearing masks and those not wearing masks. And for both those who test positive for COVID-19 and those who don't. Plus, those who choose to homeschool, to join small pods of people for schooling and childcare, or not (and for those who have no friend group pods to join). I haven't read any reports of it yet, but I fear it's coming. As well as the parents bullying each other and the kids about it all; the polarization in America continues to expand. 

According to my wife, who works for Kidpower (helping others create cultures of caring, respect, and safety for everyone, everywhere), adult leadership has to step in and create a culture where this kind of behavior isn't acceptable -- from school administration to teachers to parents to friends and family. I most certainly agree. Also, kids being aware, calm and confident can help curb bullying attacks before they start. And using what they call their walk-away power (walking away from a confrontation without reciprocating), leaving in a powerful and positive way:

The best self-defense tactic is called “target denial,” which means “don’t be there.” Leaving an unsafe situation is often the wisest and most effective solution for getting away from trouble. 

That's not always easy to do, especially in a crowded school hallway, or being trapped in a classroom or somewhere else where there's no where to go, so there are eight Kidpower skills in all that kids, teens and adults can all use to face bullying with confidence. We all deserve to be safe, and with the weight of today still pressing down relentlessly, we can easily break. Let's all practice being aware, calm and confident and help prevent the back-to-school bullying. 

Other "Days of Coronavirus" posts:

Memories Now and to Come

Especially Our Kids

This Old "No" Guy Jedi

Choose Eyes of Love

The Morning Work

We Shared Blue Genes

Agree to Disintegration

The Teacher Parade

All These Things Can Lead To Grace

Our Freedom Is Always Welcome

A Well of Strength

This Bad History

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Problem

The Iceberg Underneath

The Healing Hope We Can Give

Donate Your Date Nights and Help Feed Families

About All The Things

Dad, Our Family's Computer Guy

The Newest Normal

Where Our Troubles Are All The Same

This Is The Life

When There's Nowhere to Go

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can I Turn To

The Teacher Parade

Everything changed for our kids on March 13. That's when the principal of our school sent the email out to all the parents stating: 

The health and safety of our community is always our highest priority.  Today we demonstrated that clearly by dismissing students from school for the next week.  All public schools in our county will be closed from March 16-20, 2020.

This due to the impact of coronavirus (COVID-19) on our lives. He ended the email with I look forward to seeing the Wildcats back on campus soon. Looking back, we obviously never went back, participating in nearly three months of distance learning from our public school. After every new day of working from home and schooling from home, my wife Amy and I got a little bit better with our cadence and working with our two daughters. Amy did most of the heavy lifting as she's always done, and thankfully since there's been no business travel for me since early March, I invested nearly every morning in our daughters' school work.

The girls' teachers also finally found their rhythm after the first few weeks of trying to figure out what the heck to do, how to teach online and how to ensure they were giving as much support per kid that they could. At first, they sent each family a sample checklist of work to do and a sample schedule of when to do it, and soon found that each family had their own unique situations and schedules. Soon after they moved to assigning work to the kids -- core reading, writing, math, science and more. I can't imagine what that transition was like for teachers, kids and parents not used to working this way, since I've worked virtually for nearly the past decade and run a virtual organization for the past five years. Of course, the reality for most parents was that school was/is a place of learning, of socializing, and also for child daycare. Add to that an after school program for kids whose parents and/or guardians worked all day. 

Then take it all away all at once. For those parents who remained employed, it became a juggling act of managing their jobs and managing their children at home. Plus, there were those families who didn't have internet at home and/or computer resources for their kids. Our school district, like many others, provided Chromebooks for families to use and tech companies donated WiFi hotspots for connectivity. We moved to virtual Zoom calls for the classes and leveraged Google Classroom for assigning work and completing it. Other outside resources were utilized as well, like Khan Academy, YouTube and others. 

Add to that families who lost their incomes and struggled to provide food and shelter for their kids. Thankfully our district provided breakfast and lunch for any children under 18 who it and will do so through the summer. 

Also, not all families got the resources or support they needed, and then there were those who just couldn't (or didn't) help their kids complete their schoolwork. Even with the support of our school district and school, and the teachers continuing to teach as best they could, it was a lot of work even for us. Their work totaled about 2-3 hours each day, being in 3rd and 5th grade, and we ensured our girls got the guidance and support they needed from us to get it all done. 

There's also a big difference between 2-3 hours of virtual learning and 6-7 hours of at-school learning, because there's been a whole bunch of time to fill in between and after. Especially when the parents are working. We also know it would've been exponentially harder if our girls were any younger. 

We did it, though. It was far from ideal and a lot of change all at once, and we still did it. We did it because we've always been invested in our girls' education. Regardless of our circumstance, it's an all-in investment for us, and we require the same from our girls. This was not what they signed up for either -- going from a pandemic to now social unrest in ever-changing world (we hope for the better). The girls have struggled with missing being at school and missing seeing their friends in person. 

The silver lining has been that, while our youngest Bryce is more autonomous with her schoolwork, her older sister Beatrice has benefited with more one-on-one attention from us helping her. That in turn prompted Bryce to want more individualized attention, which we also gave her. This hybrid world of virtual classroom instruction, virtual office hours with their teachers and our overall support definitely paid off for both girls. Again, not ideal, and we'll see what happens when we get to the next school year starting in August, knowing that our state will take a big hit in public school funding, equivalent to losing over $1,200 per student, probably even more than that. If there are in-person classes on campus again, they will be most likely smaller groups that will alternate days. 

We love our school, the teachers and the staff. The girls have been going there since preschool and we've been involved since the very beginning, especially Amy. She's also served as PTA president and vice-president for the past three years. However, because we couldn't do anything in person, the end-of-school activities and ceremonies were bittersweet. Beatrice finished 5th grade and will be going to middle school in the fall. She had a virtual "graduation" ceremony and then we drove through the school parking lot to get her leadership award certificate, club participation certificates, and her 5th grade completion certificate. Bryce will continue at the same school going into 4th grade, and her 3rd grade teacher put together a sweet awards ceremony, dubbing Bryce "Brilliant Bryce". Both their teachers worked hard at helping our kids finish as strong as possible considering the circumstances. Beatrice's band teacher also struggled to keep all the band kids engaged until the end of the year, and yet she still pulled together a wonderful virtual concert, with Bea being one fo the flute players. 

Out of all the end-of-year activities, the simultaneously most wonderful and heart-wrenching part was the teacher parade. Led by a police motorcycle escort and ending with a fire truck (one of the parents is a fireman), our principal, teachers and staff drove decorated cars from the school parking lot and down through many our school district neighborhoods. They waved at us cheering them on, and we held our signs of love and thanks proudly. In that moment, all the teachers I ever loved and cared about growing up, those who truly cared about me and who wanted me to learn and be a better human, I imagined were also riding in the cars with our girls' teachers. Tears streamed down my face and hope filled my heart for what's to come. 

Other "Days of Coronavirus" posts:

All These Things Can Lead To Grace

Our Freedom Is Always Welcome

A Well of Strength

This Bad History

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Problem

The Iceberg Underneath

The Healing Hope We Can Give

Donate Your Date Nights and Help Feed Families

About All The Things

Dad, Our Family's Computer Guy

The Newest Normal

Where Our Troubles Are All The Same

This Is The Life

When There's Nowhere to Go

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can I Turn To

The Newest Normal

Again, she couldn't fall asleep. Stressed about all the coronavirus disruption and missing school and maybe one of us getting sick, our oldest daughter Beatrice wrestles with her anxious thoughts at night because of all the changes (just like me her father when I was her age into my 20's). We still read with both our girls every night, and that normalcy helps, and if needed my wife Amy, Mom with a capital M, will have us all do relaxation, meditation, breathing exercises, and in case Beatrice needs it, we have a little Melatonin at the ready for her to take to help regulate her sleep-wake cycle. Amy and I take it every night as well to help sleep, because sometimes even our own anxious thoughts wrestle within.

We're now two weeks into virtual school and shelter-in-place and like millions of families everywhere today, it's taking different stressful tolls on our entire family, while at the same time, bonding us all closer than ever before. Yes, we can get on each other's nerves, but for the most part, we're doing really well and all getting along and our family love has never been stronger. We're keeping our minds and bodies active: doing science projects, cooking meals, playing games, reading and drawing, with plenty of downtime and nothing as well, and getting out for walks with our new dog Jenny, all the while ensuring the proper social distance between us and others to keep mitigating the virus spread (although, that's getting more awkward and stressful, not less). Heck, my wife and I are Gen Xers and we're actually okay with the social isolation and the downtime (to other Gen Xers, I recommend you read this great piece titled It Took a Global Pandemic, But Generation X is Finally Getting Love by Courtney Dabney -- it's super funny and true!)

We're also playing tennis, otherwise known as chase the balls for those of you like us who can't play very well. This includes Bryce whining a little about chasing the balls, even refusing to chase the balls, with an occasional strong volley between us all. Amy and I used to play randomly at courts that are down the street from us, which still haven't been locked up like many other similar outdoor venues. There's also a public exercise park next to the tennis courts and others have been using it and playing tennis like us, never with any crowds though, just a handful of people at any given time. Even before the lockdown started we'd take the girls to play tennis, using two tennis rackets and two racquet ball rackets. We just bought two inexpensive tennis rackets for the girls (via online order, not in person), so our game of ball chasing should improve the more we play.

However, both girls really miss school and their friends. They've had a few phone calls and video calls with their friends and also playing interactive multiplayer games like Roblox, something they were doing before the lockdown. But there's no more band for Bea. No more science camp that she'll never experience now. No more after school kids in nature program for Bryce. No more sports or run for fun, a weekly running club they were both in. No more after school musical theater that they've both loved so much. No more playdates with friends, except virtually. We've also been checking in with family too and that helps since we won't see them in person for who knows how long. 

And again, there's no more in-person school. They both really miss it, too. Their teachers having worked hard getting distance learning and video calls off the ground for their classes, to give us as parents some semblance of a structured school day. It helps, but mercy me do we appreciate our teachers more than ever. We've always been invested in helping both girls with their schoolwork, and Amy's done more of the heavy lifting here historically do to my work and travel schedule. But now travel is no more for me, so I can now help more during the school days. It's a lot, it really is, helping them with their work, checking it before they submit it, with both of us still working jobs virtually. My organization Talent Board is doing a lot more virtual events and Amy's organization Kidpower is doing the same. We are thankful we're currently employed as millions of people have already been laid off and many small businesses have closed. 

The Triple P– Positive Parenting Program in Santa Cruz County held a virtual parent check-in this last week and we talked about why it was so important to provide as much consistency and normalcy for our kids (and the parents, too) as possible during these stressful, changing times. To make sure that every family can access the internet and has a computer to access classes and schoolwork, at least for kids in grades 3 and higher, although they're working on plans for even younger kids. Our school district has been providing Chromebooks to families and donated wifi hotspots to those who have limited to no internet access. Plus, those families who depend on school meals for their children will continue to get them during the shelter-in-place while the schools are closed, which now will go through early May, and probably the rest of this school year into June. 

My best friend from college was just diagnosed with coronavirus, and while thankfully he's not in the hospital, he told me on the phone, "We can't live a normal life right now; we have to stay home." He's right. And that sucks. It's hard for our children and for the adults in the room, but again, when there's nowhere to go, the reality is that every day brings the newest normal, one that will never be the same as we pine nostalgic for the old. To continually adapt, we still have our weekly family meetings and we check in with each other and talk about all the things every day. The newest normal is the only life our families will know for now, so keep helping and supporting each other. Be safe and bless you. 

This Is The Life

"You can learn about life
When you play the game of Life..."

–The Game of Life

I skipped college and became a dancer. Although I loved dancing, the work was grueling and the pay wasn't great, so then I decided to go to night school and become a veterinarian. I loved animals, so it made sense. Kids, not so much, so I didn't have any. I did get married, though, and my wife and I enjoyed our travels, bought multiple properties over the years, made risky stock market moves and retired with over $2 million in the bank.

All in the span of one hour.

This was family game time playing the board game Life, time we used to carve out each week when the world was a much different place. Family time is still a priority, and now that we can't do much elsewhere or with anyone due to coronavirus and the shelter-in-place order in California, we're spending a lot of time together in our house working, schooling, playing, venting, stressing and the list goes on. My wife Amy has put together a great home school program for our girls and soon our school district will start distance learning. We can still get out and go for walks and exercise, just as long as we keep our distance from others. We're also learning how to play tennis together since we have free courts down the street from us.

Even with the structure, our family is stressed. It's scary and complex how big of a disruption this has become is such a short time. We've never experienced anything like this and our girls certainly never have. Five days of home school and we've only just begun. Our oldest, Beatrice, is struggling with going to sleep with her mind racing; she misses her friends and school and is worried about the virus. And Mom and Dad are struggling with staying asleep because of everything that's disrupting our lives. It also doesn't help that our new dog Jenny is starting to bark at any new distant sound she hears, including in the middle of the night. Ugh, that better not be a pattern. The most mellow of all of us is our youngest, Bryce, although she misses her friends and school just as much as Beatrice does.

The game of Life was always a fantasy game about living your life as an adult. However, playing it today isn't even close to the surreal landscape of what's happening to us all now. Nearly 300,000 infected globally with COVID-19. Over 10,000 dead. The numbers change hourly due to more testing (still woefully unavailable in the U.S.). Community lockdowns are the becoming the common denominator -- don't go out if you don't have to, non-essential businesses shut down, store shelves empty of staples, supply chains struggling to stay in place. By the end of March, over 1 million people will be laid off and/or furloughed in the U.S. alone, and that could go to upwards of 5 million in April.

We were going to run an errand today, with me running inside a store to buy something fun for our family to share, but then decided against it. We'll wait until it's available again online to be shipped to the safety of our house; we all have to acquiesce to this new life we're living.

We also need to figure out how to help those who will need our help, as there will be millions of people out of work. Governments are mobilizing to help, but we must also help on the local level. Donate food and money when you can, especially to food banks and to programs like Meals on Wheels and others that help families in experiencing financial distress, seniors who need assistance and people experiencing homelessness. Check with your local county and city leaders and community service programs to see how else you can help.

But whatever you do, do your part to flatten the curve and stem the spread of this deadly virus. When there's no where to go, keep your families safe and sound at home. Keep in touch with your family and friends from afar regularly via phone and video calls and texts and other messaging apps, as well as your employees, colleagues and peers if you're fortunate enough to stay employed during this global pandemic. And if you are hiring, please share that will your networks. Many more of us may be in a bad way as the months wear on, so supporting each other must be the new normal.

This is the life and it's not a game. Settle in, settle down and be safe. Bless you all.