Safe and Sound

Bryce's dot on the map app hadn't moved for 23 minutes. 

That usually wouldn't have worried us, knowing exactly where they were, but they weren't responding to our texts, which they usually did.

The day neared dusk and Bryce wasn't responding. They said they wanted to go take pictures in the "canyon" as we call it: a trail that cuts through the mountainside near where we live. They had a new vintage film camera purchased at a garage sale and wanted to put it to the nature test. 

The "canyon" is a weekly hike that Amy and I take and is only a few minutes from our house. There are homes that run along either side of the mountain about 100 feet above the trail. It starts off as a dirt trail that quickly turns into a paved trail weaving its way up the small canyon to a city park. It's lined with eucalyptus trees, wild blackberry brambles, and overgrown brush along the way. There's also a tree swing at the bottom of the canyon we constructed after the last one was cut down. Both our kids (and us) used to swing away on it when they were younger. On our hikes we've seen other hikers, runners, dog walkers, and sometimes deer, rabbits, squirrels, and coyotes. 

The coyotes have never been an issue, but we've never hiked at dusk or at night. It can also feel a little creepy sometimes in the canyon, where in the past there have been homeless camps hidden in the brush and trees, and who knows what else. 

"Stranger danger" is extremely rare, accounting for less than 1% of all reported missing children cases in the US. The vast majority of missing children and teens are runaways, or those taken by family members in custody disputes, or taken and/or hurt by other people they know (intimate partner violence). We live in a relatively safe and supportive community, but for those like Bryce who identify as LGBTQ+, they can be and are targeted with harassment, bullying, and worse. 

Bryce still didn't answer our texts. We called multiple times. No answer. Their dot on the map didn't move.

"Should we go look for them?" I asked my wife Amy. 

"Yes, I'll drive around," she said. "You walk up there."

Both our kids are teenagers, Bryce and their sibling Beatrice, and have been immersed in Kidpower safety skills since they were children. They understand to always be calm, confident, and award of their surroundings, to always move away from danger, and to defend themselves and fight back only if there is no other recourse. 

I took our dog Jenny and headed to the canyon. Still no response from Bryce. Amy drove around the neighborhood, parked near the canyon trail, and walked in ahead of me. Nightfall was coming fast. Walking along the trail at dusk creeped me out. Jenny was all too happy to go for another walk, oblivious to her owners' trepidation. 

Amy was maybe five minutes ahead of me on the trail. I checked in twice, but both times she hadn't found Bryce yet. It's a horrible feeling thinking that something happened to your child. Your heart rate speeds up. Your gut cramps. Disturbing images you don't want to imagine swarm your sanity and you move faster towards where you'd hoped they'd be -- to that static dot on the map app. I pulled Jenny along by her leash and she reluctantly sped up unable to stop at prime sniffing spots.

Amy called me, relieved. "They're fine. They're up here at the first small pond taking pictures and trying to catch frogs."

"Good God," I said. "Frogs? At least they're safe."

Amy and Bryce walked back to me and Jenny and then to the car, and I drove us all home in the early darkness. Bryce apologized that they didn't check their phone, but we still reiterated our safety rules and the fact that they should've checked in when it started getting dark. 

We're light years from the days when Amy and I grew up staying out until dusk. No cell phones. No GPS. No way to check in. Just showing up on our doorsteps before it was completely dark. 

We trust our kids to follow our safety rules, most of the time, and they're grateful we have them, most of the time. Your heart rate returns to normal. Your gut relaxes. And the disturbing images are banished by the sanity of being safe and sound. 

Our Children's Future

Our oldest Beatrice loves history. Our youngest Bryce loves science. Both have been rewritten and rolled back by the current U.S. government. Our rights continue to be trampled on, and citizens are being harassed, injured, and killed. These are scary times for all Americans. Even those who support it all.

But they're especially scary for our children. My wife Amy and I hopefully have many more years of living ahead, but our children's futures are in jeopardy. We know. Our friends with kids know it. Our kids know it. 

Which was why we were okay with them both participating in the "Stop ICE Day of Action" school walk out and protest. Over 1,000 high school and middle school students in our district exercised their 1st amendment rights to gather peacefully and protest what's happening in our country. 

That wasn't without some reservations from us, however. First, being a parent and a school board member, I was torn letting our kids miss school for this event. Our district issued a statement for parents that read, "On Friday, schools will offer optional structured opportunities for reflection, discussion, writing, and creative expression so students can exercise their first amendment rights while safely remaining on campus. Because school attendance is state law, we cannot endorse or provide resources for any walk-out of school. This is true regardless of the nature of the protest." 

Our school district added, "Our highest priority is student safety, well-being, and belonging." For every single student. Another board member also reminded me that "through existing school board policy, we have a shared responsibility to uphold student rights, maintain safe learning environments, and support staff in their professional roles." 

Absolutely. And Amy reminded our two teens about our family safety plans going to a protest or any event (concert, sporting event, etc.). Always be aware of what's happening around you. Stay away from the cars driving on the streets. If confrontations happen, move away from them as quickly and safely as possible. Do not go towards them and engage. Listen to and let local law enforcement do their job. Go into a store or any place of business to find refuge. Call 911 if need be. Call us as well.

I've never pretended to ignore what's been happening in America. As citizens and parents, we will speak our truth more frequently because this will not stand. Our democratic republic is being transformed daily and we could spiral into authoritarianism for decades if we don't act. This includes contacting our elected officials, peacefully protesting, voting, and empowering our local communities. Beatrice will be voting for the first time in November and she's excited to exercise that right. So are we. 

Because if we don't act, it does not bode well for our children's future. Hit the streets (and the books), kids. No cap (as the kids would say, or maybe not anymore now that I've said it). 

Hug Your Kids

The text floored me. 

"MHMS is in lockdown. There is no immediate threat to the school. All children are accounted for and safe."

It was from our daughters' middle school and that's all it said. I had just gotten off of a work call and immediately went inside our house.

"Did you see the text?" I asked my wife Amy.

"Yes," was all she said. She was texting herself.

"Who are you texting?" I asked.

"Beatrice. She's working in the office right now. She says they may be someone nearby the campus with a gun, so they're barricading the door."

Our oldest Beatrice, now in 8th grade, is an office aid in the morning and was able to get to her phone and text her mom. She was scolded for that by one of the adults in the office, but another had already told her she could use her phone. Most of the time the students with phones have to keep them in their backpacks in their lockers. She texted Amy that she heard they were in a code red lockdown.

Another text came through on my phone: "Police are investigating an anonymous tip of a threat to Santa Cruz High. There has been no violence and no evidence of an active threat."

That didn't make us feel any better; the high school wasn't far from our middle school. Beatrice texted Amy that they were fine, but many of the adults were scared. She wasn't panicking and that was a good thing.

I paced back and forth in our living room, not sure what to do, if anything. We didn't know how our youngest Bryce was doing, only that she was in her core 6th grade classroom on the first floor. The were reports from local media that someone had called the police to report multiple shots had been fired at the nearby high school. That was all we knew.

Amy texted Beatrice to stay away from the windows. Beatrice said they closed all the shades, but we both knew that still wouldn't stop any bullets from outside. There's been too much violence on school grounds this year; there have been at least 141 real incidents of gunfire on school grounds, resulting in 48 deaths and 115 injuries nationally. Statistically it's at an all-time high. 

It was heart-wrenching to have to wait for more information in light of what's been happening more and more in this country. I knew if we tried to go down there, we wouldn't be let inside the school during a lockdown. Beatrice would tell us later that a parent pounded on the school doors shortly after the lockdown started, which scared everyone in the office. 

Imagining both our children trapped inside the school with someone roaming the halls with guns ready to kill filled me with angry dread. Amy and I kept it under control, though. We've repeatedly discussed what to do in case of this kind of emergency and counted on the fact our girls would do their best to stay safe. Until we knew more, there wasn't much we could do and that we had to be ready for action if and when necessary. Then there were reports that the active shooter incident was a hoax. An hour later that's what the text from school indicated as a possibility as well. 

Thirty minutes later I went to pick up our daughters. There had already been many parents picking up their kids once the lockdown was lifted, and while I waited for ours, I watched every other middle schooler come out of the front doors looking shaken, even crying. It was unbearable. 

I hugged both daughters when they came outside. Hearing them describe the anxiety they experienced as well as their classmates and teachers, having to push desks and chairs to barricade doors and hide under their desks, kids crying and shaking and even throwing up, everyone waiting for God knows what, was heart-wrenching. Bryce said she had a panic attack but she was better now; I hugged her again. The rest of the day we talked through it all with them, reviewed our safety plans and our Kidpower, and were grateful to have our family safe at home.

Thank you to our local law enforcement, the teachers, and the administrators for following safety protocols and keeping our children safe. Sadly this is part of a growing trend nationally where callers disguise their number and identity through and deceives emergency responders into sending services to create fear and disruption. This combined with the real violence on the rise is no joke and the trauma is devastating. 

Hug your kids and have a safety plan. Blessings to those who have lost their lives to this violence. We have to do more to prevent it.

Time For Them To Go Make

Thank goodness my parents never chaperoned my junior high dances. Not that there was out-of-control make-out sessions going on; most of the time kids just stood around. Girls on one side of the gym, and boys on the other, all giggling and talking among themselves. Sometimes there was shrieking and running around like crazy kids, but most of the time there was just a lot of standing around. 

However, at my 8th grade dances, there was a little making out and close dancing, and I definitely didn't want my parents seeing that. The teacher, administrators, and other parents who were supervising the dances did their best to keep us all in line. 

Being 12, 13, and 14 are awkward and exciting years. Changes abound, physically and emotionally, and having two daughters means they are exponential. Our girls are amazing and we're so proud of them, no matter how much "sass" we get now. And we're getting it, that's for sure. Especially me. 

We're all very close and feel safe with each other, are comfortable being vulnerable, and can poke fun at each other without being mean. Mostly. We're still their parents, and they are our children, and while we want to ensure they're safe and making good choices, we're very grateful that they share their days with us, how they feel (up or down), and ask for help when they need it. 

They're both in middle school now and participating in more activities on their own with their friends. We review our safety plans every week with them, of what they need to do when they're on their own, like checking in with us, especially if the original plan changes. 

Now there are the middle school dances for our kids. Our oldest Beatrice went to her first last year after pandemic restrictions were lifted. Our youngest Bryce gets to go to her first with her sister and friends this year. Amy volunteered to help with the dance, but not chaperone it. 

The other night when we were all playing a game before dinner, Amy and I joked with them that we were going to both chaperone their next dance. 

"No!" they both exclaimed.

All of us being big fans of the sitcom The Goldbergs, about a family growing up in the 1980's, a coming-of-age decade for Amy and me, Amy pulled out the catch phrases from the mom character Beverly Goldberg. 

"We're going to go to your dance and I'm going to dad dance like this," I said. I shared my funky hitchhiker hand swing.

"No, Dad, you can't do that," Beatrice said. Bryce just laughed.

Amy smiled. "And I'm going to tell everyone how I 'baked my schmoopies in my mom oven' and how much I love you," she said, channeling Beverly Goldberg. 

Both girls laughed and said, "No!"

"And then I'm going to ask you both if you 'need to go make,'" said Amy, dropping her hand into her other one and giggling herself. That reference meaning having to go number 2 in the bathroom. 

Again they both shouted, "No!"

We all laughed. What they don't know is that we just may chaperone a dance before the end of the school year. So we can watch our kids with their friends all stand around giggling and talking, while they periodically shriek and run around like crazies, just like our olden days. Whether we chaperone or not, these are the their formative years when it's time for them to go make. Special memories, that is. Because nobody likes to talk potty time, especially teens.

Keep All of Our Students Safe

The email from our middle school principal read:

I am writing to inform you of an incident that happened this morning.  Everyone is fine, but we want to share this information with our families.  A student was approached today on the way to school by a bright blue four door sedan occupied by a few people.  The people tried to coax the student into the car.  We are bringing this to your attention for two reasons.  First, to remind you to talk to your child/children about safety and being approached by strangers.  Second, if you see a car that matches this description, please reach out to the police.  We will have additional police presence today at dismissal.  We want to help keep all of our students safe. 

Yes, we want to help keep all of our students safe. I immediately texted my wife Amy since she was out running errands. As soon as she returned home, she contacted our school principal and the other school principal (where it happened) to thank them for notifying us all and to remind them about Kidpower. Kidpower is the nonprofit organization my wife works for that includes social, emotional, and physical safety programs for children, teens, and adults, including parents. 

Our kids have been raised with Kidpower and we wouldn't have it any other way. Although "stranger danger" as it's called isn't as common as running into safety issues with people you may know, safety first is always our way every day no matter who is involved. Even when our tween and teen daughters give us eye rolls when we discuss safety issues, which they do, they still listen, and they still know what to do. 

So, after school the day the incident happened, Amy again reviewed our safety plans:

"You move away from danger. If anyone stops in a car and tries to get you inside, or is walking and just tries to get you to do something, you run away and find help and safety. You don't have to acknowledge or stop or talk with anyone trying to talk to you who you don't know, no matter what they say. 

"Because they may say, 'Hey, your mom and dad have been in an accident and I need to take you to them.' But if you don't know them, you do not go with them. Since you have phones, you get to safety, get help, and call us. 

"And even if you do know them, you know there are only a few people you're allowed to go with in an emergency. The only exceptions are if you can't get a hold of us and you need to get to safety and you do know the people who can help, and they know us, even if they're not those designated you can go with. 

"We cannot emphasize this enough -- you never have to go with someone or even acknowledge or talk to someone you don't know no matter how convincing they may be. You always move away and get to safety and to your adult in charge, whomever that is."

Eye rolls aside, our girls echoed these lessons back to us and confirmed our safety rules. Since school is back in again and now they'll ride their bikes to school sometimes, we want to help keep all of our students safe.

That Pocket Comfort

We lived those 1970's social media memes. The ones that touted how we played outside at night unsupervised. How we rode bikes without helmets. How we rode in the back of pick-up trucks at high speeds. How we had dirt clod fights in vacant lots. How we took Polaroid selfies. And how we didn't need any stinkin' smartphones. Gen X forever!

Nope, we used pay phones and we liked it. When we had loose change to make a call that is. Otherwise, we'd have to call collect, meaning the recipient of the phone call had to pay for the call charges. If they accepted. Of course our parents accepted when we were stranded and needed help as a young adult. Which never happened to me. Maybe.

Cell phones wouldn't be available for at least another 15 years, and even then most people couldn't afford them. My wife Amy and I have a running joke about a movie I made her watch years ago called Miracle Mile. It was an apocalyptic thriller that came out in 1988 starring starring Anthony Edwards and Mare Winningham. I loved the movie. Amy did not. There was another actress in the movie, Denise Crosby, who also played Security Chief Tasha Yar in the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, which Amy loved. In Miracle Mile, Denise played a mysterious businesswoman who had a huge cell phone she used it to call government officials from a diner. You'll have to watch the movie to see the rest. 

I didn't have a cell phone until the mid-90's, and it was a plastic "Star Trekkie" Motorola flip-phone. Fast forward to today, and there are nearly 3 billion smartphones in the hands of people everywhere around the world. 

And that now includes our daughters' hands. 

We've never been resistant to the idea that they would have phones at some point. We are a device-friendly family, and both girls have been using old iPhones as iPods for a few years now, as well as iPads. We monitor their device time and what they're doing on their devices, and have empowered them to tell us if they see something inappropriate or experience an inappropriate exchange with a stranger while playing Roblox.

After a year of distance learning, our oldest Beatrice finally gets to experience middle school in person soon, even if it's only two days per week. Bryce goes back to in-person 4th grade soon, too. Because of this and the fact that they're on their own more often inside and outside of the home, it was time to activate phones for them so they can text and call us, and we can do the same with them. Plus, we have phone rules about texting others and our family safety plans in place and review them every week. 

Decades ago when Amy and I were kids and teens, we never imagined a world where we could be in contact with our friends and family anytime and from practically anywhere. Today, we couldn't imagine not having the ability to text and call our children anytime and from practically anywhere. No apocalyptic thrillers here; we'll take that pocket comfort the phones bring us every day of the week. 

Where The Cool Kids Are

There's only one way in and out while driving a car. You can walk in and out, but that wasn't going to help us or them in that moment. Plus, we had the art teacher's number and she had ours in case of any emergency. Later, my wife Amy said that she would've gotten out the car and walked if we wouldn't have been to get to our daughters. 

For a few forever moments we weren't sure what was going on until we got close enough to make the turn. What we saw was a police action going on just a few blocks away, which is why the traffic was so slow. Amy told me to make an illegal left, which I did, so we could skip the backup where the streets were blocked ahead of us. Otherwise, Amy would've called the teacher, got out and started walking, while I figured out how to wind around and double back. 

Thankfully we didn't have to do that; we still got to our children on time to pick them up. The art class was held outside at one of our lovely community parks, primarily due to COVID-19 concerns. Once we got there, our daughters Beatrice and Bryce told us there was scary situation that happened while they were there. A woman, most likely homeless and mentally ill (we assumed based on their description), was yelling and wandering around too close to where they were. In the general vicinity there are quite a few people experiencing homelessness, living in tents and campers, with many in desperate need of mental health services.

"She kept saying things about God and Jesus," Beatrice said. "But like she was mad."

"Yes, it scared us," Bryce said. "So we moved."

The art class teacher told us that our girls wanted to move away from the yelling woman, so they did just that until she left the area. 

"That's exactly what we want them to do," Amy said. "It's definitely part of our safety plans."

Prior to this incident, we had already talked with the art teacher about our Kidpower safety skills and plans, including some of the following:

• Moving away and checking first with their adults if they are on their own before they let a person or an animal they don’t know well get close to them (or thinking first if they don’t have an adult to check with)
• Moving out of reach if something or someone might be unsafe
• Making a safety plan for how to get help everywhere they go
• Checking first with their adults before they change their plan about what they are doing, where they are going, and who they are with, including people they know
• Understanding that the safety rules are different in emergencies where they cannot Check First
• Yelling and running to safety if they are scared
• Using self-defense skills to escape and get to safety in an emergency

Our daughters know these safety skills quite well, so we were proud to hear that they used their voices and said they wanted to move away from a seemingly unsafe stranger. This is so important as they spend more and more time on their own, heading headlong to teenage-land and going back to in-person school after a year of distance learning. That in turn will lead to more opportunities to potentially experience harassment and bullying from people they do know, and eventually dating angst. 

I read recently that around the world, almost 1 in 3 women have experienced physical or sexual violence at least once in their lifetime, according to a new report released by the World Health Organization. Also according to the report, intimate partner violence was the most prevalent form – and it starts early. Nearly 1 in 4 girls and women who'd been in a relationship have already experience physical and/or sexual violence by age 19. I've been a harassment, domestic violence and sexual assault awareness advocate for many years, and I worry about statistics like these, but we also don't want our daughters living in fear, or us for that matter, which is why we review our safety plans every week in our family meetings.

We are the safetyists, after all, and living our lives being calm, confident and aware is where the cool kids are.

The Safety Mantra Mumble

"I see the world
And I'm looking from a high place
Way above it all
Standing on higher ground..."

-The Alan Parsons Project, Standing on Higher Ground

I cried at K-mart. I had found the front counter and the blue-light special desk (I remember that vividly), and cried to one of the cashiers that I had lost my mother and sister. I was either seven or eight years old, I don't remember exactly. The fear and the crying I do remember vividly. No matter how many times she told us to stay with her, to not wander, I didn't stay with her and did wander. At what point exactly I got lost I don't remember, although I have a vague recollection of being by the televisions when my mother and sister had vanished.

I was filled with fear and panic. It practically bled from my pores, it was that palatable. One minute her and my sister were right there, and then the next they were nowhere to be seen. Just lots of strangers milling around me oblivious to my frantic searching for them.

Besides her telling my sister and I to stay with her, the other safety rule was, if we did get lost, to find someone who worked there and ask for help.

But I panicked and wandered quickly from aisle to aisle looking for my mother and sister, afraid to ask for help, and then I stopped in my tracks at the front counter. That's when I burst into tears.

I don't remember if they called for her over the PA system, I just remember an eternity had passed until she held me tightly in her arms, telling me everything would be okay.

Decades later, our safety rule is a little different with our girls. If they get separated from us, wherever we are, they need to stay where they're at, to stand tall and be aware, even if they're scared and even if they cry. To stay exactly where they're at once they realize they're lost, because when we go looking for them, if they're moving around too, we may never find each other. It's like the getting lost in the woods survival scenario. Even if it's a police officer who tries to help them, because the police officer can call us, as noted below.

"Then what?" we ask them when we're reviewing safety plans.

"We look for an adult who's walking by and tell them we're lost and we need help," they answer, reluctantly mumbling our safety mantra.

"And if they say, 'Please come with me and I'll get you help,' what do you say?"

Sigh. "We tell them we cannot go with them; please find someone who works here to help us."

"Or, what else can you have them do?"

Sigh. "We can ask the them to call you."

"Correct! And what's our number?"

Sigh.

Recently my wife Amy had taken our girls to Costco, a place we frequent at least monthly throughout the year. I was traveling for work this time and wasn't with them. The girls both know Costco pretty well, but no matter what, the safety plan is the same if they get separated from either of us.

Well, our oldest Beatrice got separated, but instead of staying in one place, she went looking for her mother. She felt she knew Costco well enough and that she'd find her quickly. Luckily, when Amy realized Beatrice wasn't with her, she turned around and backtracked with Bryce and found Beatrice within moments.

Of course, the safety lesson was repeated during our next family meeting during the safety plan part of our regular agenda (yes, there's a regular agenda).

Sigh. Yes, I get it; I will stay in one place.

Never going anywhere with strangers is so important if they're lost, which is why staying in one place is safer for our family, where we can backtrack and find them. Or get a call telling us where they're at. And even if they had their own phones, which they're years from having, they still need to stay in one place for us to find them. Staying safe is the higher ground we walk on, even if the safety mantras are mumbled reluctantly.

We'll take the mumbles for safety any day of the week. These kids today...