Sunday, July 26, 2020

Memories Now and to Come

The turpentine burned as it hit the bites that covered my head. That much I remember. And all my crying. At that time, we had no other options as there wasn't anything else available at the small store. 

This all because of sand fleas. Although at the time, my mom called them sand lice. Whatever the heck they were, they got on my head and bit, bit, bit. Small welts all over my head. I do remember itching the bites and that's when Mom discovered what was crawling and biting my head. 

This was one of many memorable times when we camped growing up. Most being much more fun than the sand fleas. For a few years when we were younger, and before my mom and Jerry got divorced, we'd go tent camping in Huntington Lake in the Sierra Nevada mountains. I remember eating breakfast on cool and crisp mornings, exploring and climbing rocks with my sister, swimming in the cool lake and fishing for trout. 

After that, there was no more camping. A decade later, Mom and Dad had a boat, and then after that a motorhome, but we never went camping. My sister's kids when with them, though, and dad and I did go fishing a few times together on the boat, and I treasure those times. 

We've never gone camping with our girls. It's just never been a thing we've done. We've gone hiking in the mountains and swam in lakes and rivers with them, but no tent camping at all. And probably for good reason for my wife Amy as I've written before. The year after we met, Amy and one of her best friends took a safari trip to Africa and camped in tents. It was an amazing trip until they all got dysentery for days. And that was the end of tent camping for her. 

Although I've sworn in the past I would never own, much less drive, a motorhome and/or pull any kind of trailer camper, that's exactly what this old "no" guy Jedi has gone and done. We're super grateful that we were in a position to do this for our family, especially in these dire times with a pandemic surging around us that's leaving economic devastation in its wake. Neither has hit us yet. Either one still could at some point, but it hasn't, and our hearts go out to those who have lost loved ones and livelihoods. 

So for now, this is the only travel we'll be doing for the next few years. A way to see the great American outdoors and still be able to social distance, wear our masks and be safe. We researched the camper, we shopped for it, and we bought it, knowing we were in this for years to come. We then joined a wonderful online RV community that has been very helpful and supportive. 

Sure, some call it glamping, because we're camping in a tiny traveling hotel room, and not really roughing it. We're okay with that, because it's still time with our family and we can go anywhere we can drive to. The first day of our inaugural trip it only took about 6-7 minutes to back it into our camping spot correctly -- well, almost correctly -- when we thought it would take 20-30. We actually set it all up in our first campsite without hitting anything or breaking anything. I told one of our camping neighbors that and he said, "That's great, but you're not home yet."

Dammit. 

We barbecued hamburgers on our tiny camping grill (thank you, Mom and Dad!), and then on the first morning, we played card games and then fixed a yummy breakfast outside in the cool coastal air (we stayed close to home for our first trip). The girls rented banana bikes and we walked around the camp with our dog Jenny while the girls rode. On the way we made mental notes of everyone else's rigs and and all the camping stuff they brought with them.

We need this and we need that and we need that and we need this. We may never be ready for the zombie apocalypse, but we'll be pretty damn close. The true test after we have a few trips under our belts will be the dry camping, without all the hookups, especially if we have to stop somewhere to sleep, otherwise known as boondocking. We're going to make mistakes, hopefully not costly ones, and yet the only way to know is to do. 

We also made s'mores around our own tiny campfire, although they didn't quite look like they do on T.V.  We were then s'more shamed by family because we didn't use Hershey chocolate bars for our s'mores, and our chocolate looked like baby poo. That's love, baby. What they didn't know is that we used generic marshmallows that just didn't work the same either, so that's what we get. Still tasted good, though!

With so many new adventures ahead, all I could think about as we walked through the campground were my childhood memories and our own children's memories now and to come. I hope I've made you proud, mom and dad. Love and miss you both!


Sunday, July 19, 2020

Especially Our Kids

It's hard to imagine what it's been like for our children. Of course, as parents, we've all lived through the past few months with them, have done our best to guide them, to help them with school, to get them outside to play safely. Like us, maybe you have had a small cohort of friends and/or family whose kids and adults you feel safe around, knowing who else they hang out with, so at least there's some social distance contact-tracing space-sharing during this pandemic. 

But if the worst of it for some of us is bored kids telling us how bored they are, and in our case, how resourceful they've had to become, keeping themselves entertained with art projects, reading (at least one of them) and other activities, and not always on their devices or watching television, then we're in better shape than we thought. Our two young daughters have been pretty resilient in the face of such disruptive changes to their "normal" everyday lives. And we've also been very grateful since we've been able to be home with them this whole time, while we work. 

My wife Amy has also helped them try out various online virtual activities like an acting and drawing class for Beatrice and American Doll hair-braiding class for Bryce, and other joint online activities for both of them. We also do fun science experiments, play games, go outside for walks and ride our bikes sometimes, or go to local parks for the girls to play and for us to walk our sweet dog Jenny. And we'll be camping soon! Unfortunately the morning summer school work has become a little sparse, but we keep trying!

Yes, it's been summertime for many of us in the U.S., and even partial daycare won't happen again until August or September, depending on where you live and what your local healthcare restrictions are. Daycare meaning school, of course. Publicly-funded daycare unless your kids attend private schools, and then it's privately-funded daycare.

I'm not writing this to disparage our teachers and the schools we dispatch to our children. We love our school where the girls have gone and they have had amazing teachers. Teachers who had to quickly adapt to distance learning in a very short period of time and then sustain it over time while keeping our kids engaged this spring into early summer. I cannot imagine being a school administrator or a teacher these days. 

However, it's been a lot more difficult for working parents who can't work from home. We have friends in this situation and it's been tough, will continue to be tough. What to do with the children, especially younger children. Maybe some had childcare options like family babysitters. Or maybe taking turns via the cohorts referenced above, something we're planning more of since school will be starting again in a few weeks for us. Not everyone can be home with their kids like we've been able to do, though. 

Or maybe they just had to be left home for periods of time. We had already started that practice pre-coronavirus, and only for an hour at a time if we'd go for a walk or a short hike. The girls can contact us if there ever was an emergency, and thank goodness there have been none to date. But we haven't had to leave them for hours on end. 

Now with school only a few weeks away for us, our school district was planning reopening with “medium restrictions” in place. This would mean that 50% of students are on campus at a time and would allow for social distancing in the classrooms. Students would then attend school two days a week and participate in distance learning three days a week. They'd have contact with their teachers daily whether they are participating in distance learning or in-class instruction. Or, parents can opt for homeschooling curriculum or other private online school programs, if they can do that and manage their jobs as well.  

With COVID-19 surging though, and no vaccine for who knows how long, it's looking more and more like all distance learning this fall and maybe next spring as well. That means no publicly-funded child daycare for many working parents, some of whom may be single parents. So, opting for homeschooling or other private programs will not be an option for them.

Add to that so many people who have lost their jobs and lost their businesses due to coronavirus, hitting people of color much harder than white people. According to the Economic Policy Institute, “The disparate racial impact of the virus is deeply rooted in historic and ongoing social and economic injustices. Persistent racial disparities in health status, access to health care, wealth, employment, wages, housing, income, and poverty all contribute to greater susceptibility to the virus—both economically and physically.”

Also, according to the World Health Organization (WHO), there's been a rise in online bullying and violent behavior, as well as spikes in child abuse and intimate partner violence during this pandemic. Thankfully there are nonprofit organizations like Kidpower that offer emotional and physical safety resources and online classes for children, teens and adults. 

Too many people continue breaking under the weight of today, and too many children may fall farther behind and struggle to learn during the coming school year. This is why we've all got to help each other help our kids -- parents, teachers, school districts, communities, government on all levels. 

Employers must also be a part of this equation -- according to the latest coronavirus at work survey my organization Talent Board has been running since mid-March, 30% of employers say they'll provide more childcare benefits for working parents (more remote working when possible, onsite childcare, childcare stipends, etc.). That's important since tax revenue will be dramatically lower in the years to come because of the COVID-19 economic devastation, and the impact on our public schools more traumatic than even the great recession over 10 years ago.

Community cohorts of parents, families and friends willing to help each other with childcare and learning will also become invaluable for all working parents. Health safety must also be a top priority for teachers if and when they go back to the classrooms, the same protocols that will keep parents, grandparents, other family and friends safe as well. 

Never in our collective lifetimes have we been where we're at today. Never before have we needed each other more, especially our kids. 

All of you are loved. Be safe and well. 


Sunday, July 12, 2020

This Old "No" Guy Jedi

“You're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting,
So... get on your way!”



I swore I would never drive one. Never in a million years. Nearly two decades ago, when my parents owned a motorhome, and way before we had the girls, I remember my wife Amy saying, "I'd love to have one of those someday and see the rest of America."

"I'm not driving that bus," I said. "You are."

"We'll both drive it," she said.

"Nope. Let's just go tent camping," I said.

"Nope," she said. 

And for good reason for her. The year after we met, Amy and one of her best friends took a safari trip to Africa and camped in tents. It was an amazing trip until they all got dysentery for days. And that was the end of tent camping for Amy. 

However, my sister's kids had a blast traveling with Nana and Poppa,  my parents, in that motorhome. I mean, I always thought it was cool that they had one, but no, ain't never gonna drive one. 

But with Amy, the love of my life I've traveled the world with, I've learned to expand my horizons, and be more open to doing. I've always been that "no" guy. Where my pragmatic cynicism (oh, ego) kicks in when a new idea is kicked around, or when the reality of the moment kicks me in the groin. Yep, the "no" guy. Both our daughters know that if they want a "yes" then don't ask Dad.

Before we had the girls, when we were fortunate enough to go to Belize back in 2006, we had rented a little jeep, a Suzuki Sidekick, not really thinking about whether or not it would have automatic transmission. We just assumed it would. So, as we stood in the little rental kiosk off the airport getting the jeep checked out to us, we had no idea it had a standard transmission.

Until we loaded our stuff and sat in the seats, with me in the driver seat. 

"Wait a minute. This is a stick," I said.

"It's all right," Amy said. "You can do it."

"But neither of us have driven a stick in years," I said.

"It'll come back. Muscle memory," she said. 

"No way. I can't do it," I said.

"Yes, you can. Now just drive. You can do it."

The "no" guy stalled out a few times, and so did Amy when she drove it, but it all came back up pretty quickly.

Then there was the "no" time when we were prepping to travel to Australia with our daughters, neither of us sure we wanted to brave driving in Australia, where everything is on the "wrong" side of the car and the road. It wasn't just me this time, and ironically Amy had trained me well, because I convinced her we should rent cars and drive during parts of the trip. 

And that's exactly what we did. To say it was awkward at first would be quite the understatement, but after getting lost shortly after leaving the Sydney airport, we got plenty of driving practice in. After the first day, we both were driving in Australia without a hitch. 

But no motorhomes! Ever! And while that is true, COVID-19 struck. Everything ground to a halt, including leisure travel. With coronavirus now surging again, especially in America, even if we wanted to go on a trip (which we did and it had to be canceled), our choices are pretty limited in order to be as safe as possible. 

We had already thought about renting a camper pre-coronavirus, to try it out, but never did. Then we had friends who bought a trailer camper and hit the road. In fact, RV sales are soaring now! I was conflicted, because while it's not a motorhome, we still have to learn all the things -- all the hoses and the hookups and how to tow and drive the frickin' thing. And back the frickin' thing up into tight places. Again, all the things. Of course, we're grateful that can actually consider getting one in the first place, but to know all the things and drive it safely -- no!

But hey, a camper is a self-contained mini-hotel room where only we'll be, so there's that. Thankfully we both now embody the Yoda philosophy of "do or do not -- there is no try." A long time coming for me, we're both open to all the doing, failing, learning and doing again and again. And if this is the beginning of the zombie apocalypse, then dammit, we're going to be ready to go!

Yes, we like Star Wars and end-of-world stories.

But that's not the point. Self-doubt and fear diminish the do, and even with the vestige of my pragmatic cynicism hanging on, this old "no" guy Jedi is a doer. We researched, we shopped and we did it! The girls are super excited, as are we. We've been getting such valuable advice from friends and family, and I've also been up at night working out the physics of all the things in my head. So much to learn including how to back the frickin' thing up! That's why we're going to a parking lot first and placing orange cones down to navigate around. 

And then after the practice -- oh, the places we’ll go...


Sunday, July 5, 2020

Choose Eyes of Love

"'Cause I told you, my level of concern
But you walked by like you never heard
And you could bring down my, level of concern
Just need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay

Tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay
Tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay
Bring down my, level of concern
Just need you to tell me we're alright, tell me we're okay..."

–twenty one pilots, Level of Concern


Beatrice walked ahead of us. Way ahead. Too far ahead for our comfort level. 

"Beatrice, what are you doing? Stop! Wait for us!" I called out to her. 

She stopped, turned and said, "Why do you always have to sound mean, Dad? Can't you ask nicely?"

I paused, and then said, "Bea, I'm sorry. I'm not being mean, but you are too far ahead of us. Please, wait for us."

"Okay," she said. 

"I love you, Sweetie. Thank you for pointing out my tone. I will work on it."

She wasn't wrong either. There was an edge to my voice and it's something I do again and again. My Daddy Goat Gruff as I've always called it. I'm not a tough guy, never was, and never will be. My voice may carry a masculine boom, but I'm really just a loving dad who parents the best he can. The girls know this, and yet in Bea's pre-tween shadow, it's amplified. My wife, Amy, reminds me that I don't have to be so gruff to parent, and she's right. I don't. 

But I don't ever belittle or shame my children. Never have. Never will. Both Amy and I parent firmly and positively when things aren't done that we asked, or when things are done that they weren't supposed to do. They are the kids, we are the parents, and no matter what, we look at them through eyes of love, always. We can all push back, but we never shove each other to the ground. 

We meet every week as a family, usually Sundays, and share compliments, gratitude, appreciation and "noticing" -- something nice we notice about each other and/or ourselves that we share as a family. We also review managing our emotions, safety plans at home and outside of the home, and anything else that's on our minds. We remind each what we have in common and revel in our positive differences. 

We are their parents and they are our children and we are in this together. During this pandemic, we've never lost sight of that. We still want them to be kids today. Let us worry about all the adult stuff. Let them know that we're alright. 

However, there's been more than one deadly virus thriving today. Like angry and abusive parents, too many of us belittle and shame each other every damn day because we feel our way is the only way, and all others are ignorant. We don't want to hear each other; we don't want to truly see each other. We only want to hurt each other. 

This doesn't mean we don't share some of the same concerns, want to change the world for the better, and to ensure a safer world for our families and communities. And for us, that means we just want our girls to be safe and healthy, armed with masks and social distancing, as well as armed with strong emotional and physical safety skills (thank you Kidpower!).

And if you don't agree, that's okay, but I bet we've got more in common that we're willing to acknowledge on Facebook, or even in real life. Sarcasm and wit can cut quick and deep, but to what end if we all bleed out? 

Especially under the weight of today, look at each other through eyes of love. Effect positive change with each other through empathy and eyes of love. And on the day after America's Independence Day 2020, the irony is how interdependent we really all are when we choose eyes of love.