A Long-Term Well-Being Win

My best friend Robby of 45 years always likes to tell the story of how he almost wasn't part of our long-term friend group. The one that keeps getting together year after year, decades after high school. We first met in 7th grade, and while we became best friends later on in high school, my best friend in 7th grade at the time, Brad, saved Robby from being bullied in wood shop class. Back then I was a skinny, asthmatic, shy, and fearful kid, not a hero, and was relieved and grateful with Brad's intervention. I was also grateful that Robby and I befriended each other through goofy humor and the music of Cheap Trick, Kiss, and many other rock groups at that time.

Our long-time friend-group origin story birthed sometime between our sophomore and junior years in high school. That's when, Robby jokes, he was "included" in our group of friends. It wasn't like one day he got a pass, or any of us for that matter. We had already been amalgamating into this cohort for a few years, based on mutual affection, trust, support, shared interests, communication, respect, humor, and more. 

The thing with me was, I struggled to exclude others. Even when I probably should have. Beyond Robby, my other close friends back in high school, and family, I've had many acquaintances and friends from many differing backgrounds. From college to work to other parents of kids ours go to school with. What I know now, but did quite understand then, was that there was always something to learn from others, friends or not. Sharing knowledge and experiences with one another was how I grew as a person and how it's shaped my life awareness and belief systems over the years. Still is.

The hard part was and is the adulting. My nature was always to be liked, and to exclude others was to not be liked. That can get you in trouble when you're in middle and high school, always trying to please, with it only to backfire on you when you do and say the wrong thing to people about other people. Mercy me I had some failures there.  

But as I failed, grew,  and evolved, there were some difficult adulting decisions to make -- getting a divorce and ending an old friendship from our long-time friend group, just to name a couple. I had to learn boundary-setting and how to exclude others when it came to my own happiness and well-being, sanity and safety, and unfortunately not always empathically either. Conversely, I had to learn that I wouldn't always be included with others and their activities, even when hubris shoved my empathy and understanding to the ground like a bully and said, "What the hell?"

And now our teens are learning about inclusion and exclusion with their own friend groups, and like most normal teens, they want to be liked and included. They need their own space, too, and boundary-setting is new to them and a struggle, but we listen and provide parental and our own experiential feedback. We tell them they don't always have to include, and they will be excluded, and that's okay. 

Boundary-setting and exclusion for well-being and safety is one thing, but exclusion based on fear, ignorance, prejudice, and to purposely hurt can lead only to painful isolation, loneliness, or worse, for both perpetrator and victim. That's a lesson for us all. 

But if they have enduring friendships based on mutual affection, trust, support, shared interests, communication, respect, humor, and more, then it's a long-term well-being win for sure. As I've written before, I'm grateful for the dear inclusive and loving friendships I've had over 40 years now. Blessings to them. I wish the same for our teens as adults. 

Men of a Stand-up Age

When my lovely wife texted me some pictures from the disco party she was at, I smiled. Not just because they included her, who I missed, but because of the picture of our oldest daughter Beatrice and one of her best friends for many years since grade school. Now high school teens, the picture was cute and fun, a refreshing sweetness to see while I was away. This being just one friendship of many she maintains.

Our younger daughter, Bryce, is officially a teen herself, and like her sister, has her own established close friendships. Both girls hang out more with their friends after school and on weekends, spending less time at home than ever before. 

While these changes are bittersweet, our kids no longer kids, it brings an even bigger smile to my face when I see them with their friends. Their relationships are new, honest, and fragile; a multiverse of emotion and inside jokes and laughter, each of them grappling with the overwhelming adolescent changes that become the DNA of their adulthood. Only time will tell if they remain friends over the decades, but there's always that chance. 

For anyone who's had friends for decades, it certainly is a blessing, especially for men who tend to not fare as well as women in the long-term friendship department. In 7th grade I met Robby, a tall and thin boy who befriended me and gave me a cassette tape of two Cheap Trick albums (Heaven Tonight and Live at Budokan), recorded on a discount-bin Thrifty Drug Store cassette mind you, and our rock and roll best friendship was born. I'd love to say I still have that cassette tape, but alas, I don't, just the wonderful memory of when our friendship began.

Then in high school came many new (mutual) friendships, including Jeff, Rob, Greg, Charles, Craig, and many others. And then after right high school came Craig (connected to Robby and other high school friends) and Troy (meet in college). Not all the friendships I've had over the years have withstood the test that time and circumstance bring, but thankfully there are those that have. 

We do get together when we can each year, sometimes together and sometimes one-on-one, and this last time was a wonderful visit, complete with decades of inside jokes and comedy clips (SNL, etc.), lots of laughter, and yes, even serious banter about our lives. It's been decades of friendship. The stereotype of straight male friends isn't lost on us, which is why we thought the Saturday Night Live Straight Male Friend commercial skit was so funny (but a little edgy, so beware if you watch it). Thankfully we're not exactly that (and yet, sometimes we are). 

As I wrote last year in Men of a Vulnerable Age, men can go longer periods of time without talking or seeing each other, and don't necessarily thrive on intimacy and emotional connection as much as women do. But my friends and I have shared quite a bit of our lives (intimately and emotionally) with each other over the years. The good, the bad, the ugly, the meh -- and a whole lot of comedy and tears of laughter. 

Our relationships are a multiverse of life experience, love, and inside jokes. None of us are safe from each other. We relentlessly tease and "bust each other's chops" as the saying goes, and we bust our own chops as well. We're like veteran stand-up comedians heckling an audience of us. It may be perceived as a little harsh and over-the-top at times, and it's especially awkward when we're in mixed company and we see the reaction of others. But for us, it's at times raw, real, retrospective, and always full of love. We're men of a stand-up age, and we've stood by one another for 40+ years. I hope my daughters are as blessed today with their teen friends as I have been. 

Other past posts about and related to these friends of mine:

• Men of a Vulnerable Age
• Endless Possibilities Actually
• Able-Bodied Grateful
• Men of Our Present Age
• The #MeToo Guys
• Men of a Women's Age
• Men of a Consequential Age
• Grown Men Friends and Fathers
• Like Men Knowingly Bound to Their Future
• Because That's How It Works With The Guys That Work
• Big Heart Love to My Class of 1984
• Men of An Unremarkable Age
• Being What Happens Next
• Daddy Day in Monterey

Men of a Vulnerable Age

I stood in the shade of the awning with others, away from the creep of morning valley heat. A slight breeze ebbed and flowed around us as the service began. Soon after, my friend Craig shared reverent words about his mother who had passed. With the exceptions of my long-time dear friends Rob and Greg, Greg's wife Jody, and Craig's wife Noriko, I didn't know Craig's family. I never even knew his mother. 

But I did know about her through him. And for the nearly 35 years I've known Craig, he has always talked fondly of his mother. For nearly 35 years, we've been getting together with our core group of long-time friends (45+ years for those of us who went to junior high and high school together). The last time all of us were together as a group was January 2020. Then COVID hit. 

Since then we haven't seen each much. There was Rob's retirement party, and then some of us individually going to see the other mutual friend from our core group, my best friend since junior high, Robby. Pre-pandemic we've gone to Robby's as a group at least 1-2+ times a year for decades. Robby, who had broken his neck at a swim meet in high school, has been paralyzed ever since. While still living somewhat independently with home healthcare, his travel mobility has decreased dramatically over the decades, and today he doesn't venture beyond his own city limits. Also, outside of this core group, there's Troy, my best friend from college, and we've only seen each other once in the past few years. 

When Craig's mom passed away, he posted when her service and reception would be, and I knew I had to be there for him, as did our friends Rob and Greg. Listening to him talk about his mother at the graveside service reminded me of when my own parents passed back in 2012, only four months apart, and all the emotional upheaval experienced during that time. At his mom's memorial reception, Craig, Rob, Greg and I hugged, talked, and laughed freely, realizing how much we've missed our time together.  

While it may be true that men can go longer periods of time without talking or seeing each other, and don't necessarily thrive on intimacy and emotional connection as much as women do, my friends and I have shared quite a bit of our lives with each other over the years. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the meh. The stormy rainbow yak of life. 

In fact, what I've found is that the intimacy and emotional connections have increased over the years, even without seeing each other or talking to each other that often. Maybe it's simply maturity and nurturing empathy, although we still know how to give each other quite the inappropriate regular ribbing; we are a diverse group, that's for sure. Now in our mid to late 50's, most of us have our own families and children (and grandchildren!), and all of us have lots of life lived behind us, and hopefully lots more ahead. We are now men of a vulnerable age, making peace with our present, and embracing the presence of each other's love. 

Other past posts about these friends of mine:

• The #MeToo Guys
• Men of a Women's Age
• Men of a Consequential Age
• Grown Men Friends and Fathers
• Like Men Knowingly Bound to Their Future
• Because That's How It Works With The Guys That Work
• Men of An Unremarkable Age

Quite The Kick

Bryce had asked when our first kiss was. Beatrice, who's exercising her teenage sarcasm and sass muscles, asked when our first "kick" was. 

"Ha, ha," I said.

"Wasn't it when we took that first walk along the water?" my wife Amy asked. 

"No," I said. "It was when I fixed you dinner for the first time. Technically our second date."

Our daughters both wanted to know the story, so we told them.

After Amy and I first me one day at the beach in 1997, I had asked Amy to go on a walk at dusk the next week. We brought flashlights and walked along the water and talked and talked. We sat on one of the benches along the water and talked and talked. Then I walked her back to her apartment.

But we didn't kiss then. After our walk, I asked her out for a dinner date. Me fixing her dinner at my apartment was the idea, which was in the building adjacent to mine. She said yes. I told I was thinking of fixing some pasta, salad, garlic bread, and some wine. She said great. 

At the time I had only been living on my own again as a bachelor for a few months (another story for another time), and so, I didn't have a lot of food at my place. I also commuted to work every day to San Jose, and the drives could be grueling. There was a lot of eating out. 

The dinner date night came quick, and I did not plan ahead. Amy came over for the date and I asked her if she'd like to go to the store with me. She said sure and we went. 

I gathered the ingredients I needed to fix dinner, but there was also one more important thing I didn't have at my apartment: toilet paper. She didn't know that, but would know that when she used my bathroom and there was none. 

Amy didn't care that I needed to get toilet paper. Was happy that I was buying toilet paper, of course. That might've been a love killer if I didn't have any. We brought everything back, I fixed the dinner, we ate, we talked, we laughed, and we kissed. And I then I fell deeply in love. 

Nearly 25 years later, I'm still deeply in love, and when they asked, we told our daughters this story of when we first kissed. Beyond the "yucks" they did think it was sweet. We've always been comfortable showing affectionate around them, kissing and hugging and saying "I love you," because we want them to see that we love and care for one another. 

Still, Mom and Dad intimacy may creep them out sometimes, especially during their coming teenage years, but modeling heathy emotional and physical intimacy is key as their early relationships blossom. Telling our kids no, don't like anyone, don't have any crushes or fall in love, don't kiss or hug, isn't an option. It will happen. Probably more than once. And we want to be a part of those experiences and give them the support they need on the rollercoasters to come. 

Beatrice being sassy and asking about our first "kick" definitely hit the mark, because that first kiss was quite the kick.

Happy Valentine's Day, Hot Stuff

This morning I hugged Mama and whispered in her ear:

"I love me."

Wow. Daddy's still the selfish romantic after all these years...

*sigh*

For those of you significant others with kids, you know what I mean about what it takes to keep the fire stoked over any length of time -- a day, a week, a month, going on 14 years...

But take it from me, if you want love to remain, you'll pay the love piper and not count the cost, because nothing says nothing like a love grown cold.

And it really isn't that much work when you dig the other every day.

I remember when I had a painting commissioned on behalf of my love for Mama, long before she was the Mama (shortly after we met). It was based on a poem I had written her:

Sketch Pad

I trace neck
curves to belly dip bottom rise,
your back to my front in summer evening glow
as dim dusk light drains out your window.
You moan thin
gasp through full mouth eyes shut away,
love scent chants our sides with blanket trance
as cool night breeze slips in your window,
we draw the other in.

I'm telling you, after all these years and two gorgeous little girls later, through thick and thin and from sugar-daddy thriving to day-to-day dollar thimble diving, you've got to remain entwined heat.

Happy Valentine's Day, Hot Stuff.

Male friendship: It’s okay to be an emotive switch hitter

It all started with a cassette tape of Cheap Trick music in 7^th grade. We've been friends ever since.

Our extended network of friendships since has had its share of ebb and flow, but there's still a core group of us that still get together every year to rock and talk and walk the walk of adult men with responsibilities and families.

And create witty new inside-baseball catch phrases like: Are you sure you haven't done this before?

No, I can't tell you what that means, although I'm sure my lovely wife would tell you it hovers somewhere around leftover 7^th grade sensibility wrapped in foil and left in the frig to fossilize.

Good times. Friendships 30 years in the making. I love these guys.

According to the experts, that love varies dramatically from that of women friends; Women relate "face-to-face" and men relate "side-to-side." The major difference being that women share more intimacy and are more supportive of each other than men. Men share by doing with another, but are less intimate and supportive. Male affection has been called "covert"—razzing and backslapping, indirect signs of intimacy, may be quintessential expressions of brotherly love. Razzing and backslapping are two things we do quite well.

Certainly there's a whole body of research around the evolutionary and biological differences between men and women. Men's immune systems are weaker and testosterone reduces the effects of oxytocin, which has a calming effect on the body, allowing women to better nurture their relationships while men battle with fight or flight.

Gentlemen, we really must drink more oxytocin shakes with our mates. Really. It's not called the hormone of love on friendship alone.

But our group of friends push beyond the boundaries of scientific stereotype; we share by doing and razzing but aren't afraid of intimacy and being supportive of one another as well. It's okay to talk about a crazy family member and provide counsel. It's okay to talk about falling down and the epiphanies of fatherhood. It's okay to give each other a hug when needed. It's okay to watch Mama Mia and sing along –

Oh, that's just me. Thanks for reminding me guys. See how supportive they are?

Friendships like this are vital for our longevity and are great models for the daddies in the group to share with their children. Tell them it's okay to be an emotive switch hitter.

Are you sure you haven't done this before?

Mommy's alright,

Daddy's alright,

They just seem a little weird

Surrender, surrender,

But don't give yourself away…