The Meddling Mentors

It's an awe-inspiring thing, watching your children grow up. And not just for the bigger milestones of age and physical growth and going from elementary school to middle school to high school. It's also for the subtle, incremental maturity moments of their emotional and psychological growth. 

Being a teenager in any generation isn't easy. It's full of hormonal changes, front cortex development, indecision, anxiety, anger, depression, streaming opinions, self-awareness, emotional swings and sass, introversion and extroversion, and yes, radiating moments of pure joy. Like the Inside Out movies on steroids. 

All these changes and experiences are coming at them constantly and they're woven together like a patchwork quilt they wrap around themselves and wear with pride. With disdain. With uncertainty. 

Our youngest Bryce wore their quilt with disdain. They had felt disconnected from people, including us, and extremely introverted and anxious. But we never stopped caring for Bryce, loving them, ensuring we invested in whatever support they needed, encouraging them to develop their passion through music -- singing in the school choir and learning to play guitar.

Bryce never wanted to sing a solo. Like ever. Their choir teacher encouraged them the past two years, but it was always a no-go. Bryce never wanted to even sing in front of us or play their guitar for us (except for when one of us takes them to their guitar lessons).

But then something changed. Bryce's patchwork quilt brightened in the sunlight over the past year with their belief that they could do it (and more). And not just their belief either -- the actual doing of the things with a celebratory heart. Every year Bryce's choir runs a talent show where the kids are encouraged to sing their favorite songs with solos, duets, quartets, or other combos.

Bryce just didn't take on one solo -- they took on four solos total -- radiating with moments of pure joy. 

Our oldest Beatrice had also worn her quilt with cocooned anxiety. Always second-guessing her decisions and her learning ability, she's struggled with feeling confident in her activities and experiences, especially about her classes. It always taken her a little longer than her peers to process what she's learning.

But she's learned to adapt and how to approach learning that works for her and has thrived in school. It's not without a lot of ongoing work, and we've never stopped helping her whenever we can, getting the support she needs when she's needed it. 

Now, she's taking honors classes and will take some AP classes, planning for college and career, stretching herself constantly to learn, adapt, and thrive. She's in theater -- acting, singing, and dancing. She's joining choir next year (and her sister will be in high school choir, too). 

Those incremental, maturity moments of our teens emotional and psychological growth aren't without setbacks and a need to reset; that's just how it works growing up (and growing old). But the key for any of us is how we respond to these setbacks, and what then we do in the shadows of uncertainty and despair. For us as parents to watch them both learn, adapt, and thrive more and more on their own has again been awe-inspiring.

In fact, for me, they've become the meddling mentors, hungry to understand what's made us tick since we were their age, what makes us tick today, and what makes them tick today (and what's coming tomorrow). They're not afraid of asking the hard questions, not afraid of pressing for answers, not afraid of who they are and who they're becoming, while constantly reminding us of why we became parents in the first place. Of why we are who we are today. Of why we want a better world for them and all of us, and the fact they want the same.

Normalize Love and Empathy

I've always been a hopeful and empathic male. Read any of my posts since 2007 and that's clear. I grew up mostly as a lower middle-class white male, yes, and still very privileged in an inequitable world, but I never had any issues with supporting gender or racial equality and equity.

As I reflect now on where the world is today, half the world does have a problem with equality and equity. But half the world also conflates equality with equity repeatedly, something those who decry DEI do regularly (which I don't), misrepresenting much of what the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and related programs intended for inclusivity, equity, and fairness. Even the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA), first proposed in 1923, has never been fully ratified as the 28th amendment to the U.S. Constitution. 

Equality means treating everyone the same by giving them the same resources or opportunities, regardless of individual differences or disadvantages.

Equity means providing resources or opportunities based on individual needs to ensure fair outcomes. It recognizes that people start from different positions and may require different levels of support.

Although both are important, it's the later example that is the most meaningful to me, as well as the most accurate of what underrepresented and underserved segments of the population experience day to day -- starting from different positions and requiring different levels of support -- i.e., women, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community, immigrants, etc.

But discussing equity is more polarizing than ever because too many people don't take the time to understand what it really means. Too many people also get their news and information from fragmented sources that sustain their biases and continue to negatively impact their perceptions of the world around them. 

I didn't grow up with that kind of fragmented news and information (social media, podcasts, etc.), but Gen Z more than any other generation to date has. That includes our two teens, which is why we discuss these issues openly as a family, leaving space for questions and disagreements. 

Siloed information and an erosion of shared experiences have both impacted the younger generation, especially men, to become resentful of both gender equality and equity. Hyper-masculine anti-woke content and podcasts abound, contributing to bullying and the discounting of women, people of color, and the LGBTQ+ community.

According to Jackson Katz, researcher and activist about issues of gender, race, and violence: "We’re witnessing a global backlash against women’s progress, since the past 50 years have seen unbelievable challenges to patriarchal norms. Trumpism and rightwing populism isn’t a revolt against the ‘elites’; it’s a reaction to men being de-centered and a backlash against feminism."

Sadly, we're seeing many wealthy male elites and leaders of today fueling this backlash in the guise of meritocracy and return-to-office mandates. I don't understand and can't relate to them or the younger (and older) generation of men who feel they've been displaced by women and feminism. By Black and Brown people. By LGBTQ+ people. By misunderstanding and misrepresenting diversity, equity, and inclusion. 

I grew up with an abusive birth father and stepfather, and swore that I would never be that way. I have struggled with my own faults and prejudices over the years, but I knew I'd always be an advocate and an ally, and my wife the same.

We must once and for all change this systemic and abusive patriarchal leadership, for us, our children, and the world, or we will all suffer a degrading, dangerous fate of being bullied, beaten, and erased. I did not choose to grow up in a patriarchal society then, and neither did our children today, so our entire family will do everything we can to loudly oppose this growing surge of toxic masculinity and normalize love and empathy.