A Family Affair

When Reagan was elected in 1980, that's when I started pushing back on my parents' conservative political and societal ideologies. In fact, throughout high school in the early 1980's I always empathized with those undermined because of who they were and those who wanted equality and equity for all. Anyone whose civil rights were in jeopardy and who were subjected to the conservative politics of that engulfed the 1980's post President Carter. 

Looking back now, I'm still so very grateful that my parents let me push back and debate on their political and societal ideologies. I'm still so very grateful they pushed back and debated mine. They listened patiently as I argued why we needed to support marginalized people, from immigrants to LGBTQ to people of color to the homeless -- that they all had a right to exist. Sometimes I'd get so frustrated and angry when they'd give up and tell me they that "it's just the way things are". We sometimes agreed on things and sometimes agreed to disagree. And sometimes we'd just tell each other that the other was just plain wrong. But that was the extent of my protesting. 

Because I was also still a teenager who loved school, played sports, made messes, slept in until noon, liked girls, and just wanted to have fun, without degrading most others who weren't like me. Back then I never really cared about whether someone was gay or straight. We never really talked about it as a family, nor did I talk about it with my friends, at least until the AIDS epidemic began. Unfortunately, I was still guilty over the years of using "gay" and "faggot" as comedic but derogatory slurs and did so with my friends for many years after high school. It's something I finally stopped doing and encouraged my friends to do the same.

Once my wife Amy and I had children, we knew that we were all in for being empathic and caring parents who would love their children no matter who they were or what they'd become. So many of our generation, Gen X, were brought up to not challenge authority, especially after the societal counter-culture upheaval of the 1960's and early 1970's. It wasn't quite the old English proverb, dating from the 15th century, "Children should be seen and not heard," especially since many of our parents worked while we were in school and we had way too much time to kill without the adults around, so we weren't seen or heard a lot. But there were those of us who were encouraged not to speak out against things we were supposedly too young and immature to understand. 

And so many of us bit our tongues a lot over the decades and didn't speak out, even when the powers that be created policies that didn't serve our best interests and muted our rights. What I've realized is that many of my generation became supportive apologists for the conservative status quo that continued from the 1970's and 1980's, and into the 1990's and 2000's, even with two-term Democratic presidents being elected. And even if they never really agreed with policy decisions that disparately impacted already marginalized segments of the population that included them. 

Amy and I truly believed it was going to be different for our family. As our children grew older, we took them to peaceful protests and marches in support of women's rights and more. We discussed current events at home, and they would ask us questions. We encouraged them to find multiple verifiable sources for things they heard or read about. Although we're much more aligned ideologically than I was with my parents, they still push back on us, and us on them. 

But our teens are still teens doing the things teens do that can drive parents a little crazy -- sleeping in, making messes, the emotional roller coaster rides, and more. The difference for us is that we listen to them, and they listen to us (mostly), allowing for a reciprocal trusting and understanding dialogue about nearly anything they/we want to talk about. That's why when Bryce shared they wanted to organize a local march event to support the rights of LGBTQIA+ people that are in jeopardy (along with the rights of us all), we were more than proud and supportive. 

Bryce also wanted to do a school walkout, in which they get students to walk out of class and school, which we were not supportive of. For one, I'm on the local school board and I could not support that because our district supports the safety and well-being of all students with a strong policy against discrimination, harassment, and retaliation. 

The "We Will Not Be Erased" march that Bryce conceived and organized with help from Amy (Mom) and The Diversity Center, along with the support of many other organizations including the Santa Cruz County Office of Education and Santa Cruz City Schools, was an inspiring and peaceful event with student and adult speakers, chants, music, and hundreds in attendance with a whole lot of empathy, love, and support for not only LGBTQIA+ rights, but for the rights of us all. 

This was also a family affair, and to put a positive 21st century spin and the 15th century proverb I referenced earlier: "Children should be seen and heard and encouraged to take the chances and make the changes that we never made so that the world will be a better place for all people." 

Amen.

We Will Not Be Erased

When Bryce shared their vision statement about organizing a local march event to support the rights of LGBTQIA+ people, we were more than proud and supportive.

Hello! My name is Bryce Grossman, I’m a 14 year old living in Santa Cruz and I identify as nonbinary. I’m inviting you to participate in an event I’m hosting, “WE WILL NOT BE ERASED”. I’ve always had activist ideals and I finally felt compelled enough to make something happen. I’m quite tired of waking up everyday fearing for mine and other’s safety and wellbeing. I want this event to help people feel empowered to live their truth, to not hide themselves away. 

I hope this event will build a stronger community around a shared goal of respect for LGBTQIA+, and in solidarity of all marginalized groups.

Amen. "In solidarity of all marginalized groups".

My wife Amy and I have always wanted our children to understand the historical systemic problems that continue to negatively impact and diminish the lives of women, LGBTQIA+ people, people of color, people in poverty, immigrants, people with mental health problems, people with special needs and disabilities, and other marginalized groups. 

And not just to understand all this systemic discrimination and why we need equitable rights. To also think critically about what's really happening today and how to make the world a better place for all, instead of a dark dystopian place for all. A more empathetic and inclusive place for everyone. Including the very people and governments that perpetuate this systemic discrimination and division.

I guess that means we're "woke", something that too many around the world misunderstand and use against the very people who want to be better informed, educated, and conscious of social injustice and racial inequality. That's literally what woke means. But that's not necessarily appropriate for us, since it comes from the Black community and is in reference to the racism they've experienced and how they need to be aware of it all to survive.

Regardless, we want to be better informed, educated, and conscious of social injustice and racial inequality. Today when I hear things like "the woke radical left ideology endangers our children", it makes me angry and frustrated. Because it's these very anti-woke policies that minimize the marginalized, sustain systemic discrimination, and only make the world safer and fair for the conservative-right in power.

If you know anything about history, you know where this all could go because of where it has gone before:

• Tulsa Race Massacre (1921)
• Apartheid in South Africa (1948–1994)
• Japanese American Internment (1942–1945)
• The Pulse Nightclub Shooting (2016)
• Stonewall Riots (1969)
• Chechnya Anti-Gay Purge (2017–present)
• Holocaust (1941–1945)
• Cambodian Genocide (1975–1979)
• Rwandan Genocide (1994)

Just do an online search for any of these to learn more. One horrific act of violence after another. The slippery slope to all this continues to be greased in America today, with shifting societal scapegoat norms, and co-opted racism, sexism, misogyny, and more at the highest levels of government, all leading to discriminatory government policies against specific groups. Deporting immigrants. Dismantling DEI. Deleting LGBTQIA+ and women's rights. And the list goes on and on in today's America (and around the world).

Which is again why when Bryce told us they wanted to organize a student march for the rights of LGBTQIA+ people in partnership with The Diversity Center, we were more than enthusiastic. They have been paying attention to what's happening around them and do not want to be erased. 

As the adults and parents in the room, we've been involved in protests and marches when it comes to protecting the civil rights of others, contacted our elected officials, written articles, have fought the good fight on the ground where we live, and have encouraged the activism of our children. But I've felt exhausted and hopeless the past few months, not sure what to do, if anything. 

Bryce decided to step up and speak out. They are braver than me and have given us hope that we can and should continue to speak out and protest where this country is headed. 

Supporting the rights of one group never has to come at the expense of others, not when it supports all our rights as humans and citizens. And yet, that's exactly what America is doing. 

We will not be erased, Bryce. We will do everything we can to ensure that. 

Normalize Love and Empathy

I've always been a hopeful and empathic male. Read any of my posts since 2007 and that's clear. I grew up mostly as a lower middle-class white male, yes, and still very privileged in an inequitable world, but I never had any issues with supporting gender or racial equality and equity.

As I reflect now on where the world is today, half the world does have a problem with equality and equity. But half the world also conflates equality with equity repeatedly, something those who decry DEI do regularly (which I don't), misrepresenting much of what the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and related programs intended for inclusivity, equity, and fairness. Even the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA), first proposed in 1923, has never been fully ratified as the 28th amendment to the U.S. Constitution. 

Equality means treating everyone the same by giving them the same resources or opportunities, regardless of individual differences or disadvantages.

Equity means providing resources or opportunities based on individual needs to ensure fair outcomes. It recognizes that people start from different positions and may require different levels of support.

Although both are important, it's the later example that is the most meaningful to me, as well as the most accurate of what underrepresented and underserved segments of the population experience day to day -- starting from different positions and requiring different levels of support -- i.e., women, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community, immigrants, etc.

But discussing equity is more polarizing than ever because too many people don't take the time to understand what it really means. Too many people also get their news and information from fragmented sources that sustain their biases and continue to negatively impact their perceptions of the world around them. 

I didn't grow up with that kind of fragmented news and information (social media, podcasts, etc.), but Gen Z more than any other generation to date has. That includes our two teens, which is why we discuss these issues openly as a family, leaving space for questions and disagreements. 

Siloed information and an erosion of shared experiences have both impacted the younger generation, especially men, to become resentful of both gender equality and equity. Hyper-masculine anti-woke content and podcasts abound, contributing to bullying and the discounting of women, people of color, and the LGBTQ+ community.

According to Jackson Katz, researcher and activist about issues of gender, race, and violence: "We’re witnessing a global backlash against women’s progress, since the past 50 years have seen unbelievable challenges to patriarchal norms. Trumpism and rightwing populism isn’t a revolt against the ‘elites’; it’s a reaction to men being de-centered and a backlash against feminism."

Sadly, we're seeing many wealthy male elites and leaders of today fueling this backlash in the guise of meritocracy and return-to-office mandates. I don't understand and can't relate to them or the younger (and older) generation of men who feel they've been displaced by women and feminism. By Black and Brown people. By LGBTQ+ people. By misunderstanding and misrepresenting diversity, equity, and inclusion. 

I grew up with an abusive birth father and stepfather, and swore that I would never be that way. I have struggled with my own faults and prejudices over the years, but I knew I'd always be an advocate and an ally, and my wife the same.

We must once and for all change this systemic and abusive patriarchal leadership, for us, our children, and the world, or we will all suffer a degrading, dangerous fate of being bullied, beaten, and erased. I did not choose to grow up in a patriarchal society then, and neither did our children today, so our entire family will do everything we can to loudly oppose this growing surge of toxic masculinity and normalize love and empathy. 

The Why of History

"Why do we keep treating black people this way?" 

That was a question our oldest daughter Beatrice asked after hearing on the news yet another police shooting of another unarmed black person. 

"I know, Bea," I said. "We have a long history of racism in this country that too often results in violence." 

"It's just sad," she said. "We shouldn't treat people that way."

"I know. And we can do better." 

After that exchange, I heard my dad's voice from the past in my head. He was a police officer when I was a teenager in the 1980's.

"Well, son, there are good cops, and there are bad cops, just like there are good bakers and bad bakers. Unfortunately there are always some who don't play by the rules and hurt others. But for us, yes, there are mostly good cops."

"But Dad, bad bakers don't kill other good bakers, or or other people."

"You are correct, son. You are correct. They do not. Not usually."

My dad and I did talk about systemic racism back then, although the conversation always came back to individuals who discriminated against others, not the fact that it was baked into our societal institutions. As our own daughters have gotten older and their awareness of the world around them has increased, and because they overhear their Mom and Dad talking about current events, they ask about them, especially Beatrice. That can lead to brief exchanges about our history and what really happened in our country since before its independence was declared. 

Like about something I didn't even know, something my wife Amy and I weren't taught in school. We didn't learn that the year before the ship Mayflower brought the Pilgrims to Plymouth Rock, two other ships -- the White Lion and the Treasurer -- brought slaves to Jamestown in 1619. Although scholars called them indentured servants, they were technically slaves. Thus began the tragic history of institutionalized slavery in early America. Slaves who lived in constant fear of their lives -- many of whom who were maimed, raped and killed to keep white power in power. Even after the Civil War and the Emancipation Proclamation and the Thirteenth Amendment in 1865, nearly 5,000 people were lynched between 1882 and 1968 in the United States, and almost 3,500 were black people. And in 2020, three white men stalked and killed a black jogger. And a white officer killed a black man by leaning on his neck for 9 minutes. And the list goes on and on back then through now. 

Bad apples? Or an ongoing struggle with power and our racist past and present? And it isn't just about discriminating against black people -- add in all people of color into out complex historical equation. I understand wanting to embrace our constitutional ideals that we're all created equal and we all have these inclusive inalienable rights (rights we did not collectively have until the late 20th century). That each of us can be whatever we want in this country, regardless of race, gender, sexual preference, political persuasion and/or religion, which is what many of us tell our children.

However, there are those who are pretty vocal these days about how they don't like each other because of race, gender, sexual preference, political persuasion and/or religion. Thankfully many more of us want to lead with eyes of love, empathy, understanding and accountability, and we also want our children to do that same. That includes understanding our history. All of it. In an age-appropriate context, but all of it just the same. Because how else are we going to know better and do better? 

It's really been on my mind ever since we camped in the Zion area, where we went to Pipe Spring National Monument. The monument is managed by both the National Park Service and the Kaibab Band of Paiute Indians. This is the only water source between the Virgin River and the Colorado River, and its history is a familiar and sad one in America. One where white settlers displaced the indigenous Paiute Indians so they could own the water, and then they brought in their cattle and destroyed the expansive grasslands the Indians had lived symbiotically with for generations. Women and girls from the local tribes were also sold into the slave trade by Spanish settlers. This happened again and again to the indigenous people in America. That combined with slavery and systemic racism and what happened to people of color over the past 400 years in this country are realities we want our children to understand -- and to not stand for them happening again. 

We're a white family. But we do not feel discriminated against. We don't feel like people of color or political leaders want to take our freedoms away (well, some political leaders, yes). We don't feel the civil rights that were fought so vehemently for undermine our rights or our constitution, not when our constitution was supposed to embody the very rights of every citizen in our country in the first place. In fact, our daughters' gender will be held against them much more than our own skin color. 

Last week was Juneteenth, and next week is July 4, so why can't we talk about our history openly and honestly? I am no scholar of Critical Race Theory, but I do believe in studying and understanding history and how it affects the realities of where we're at today as a society. That includes our children learning history as well. All of history, not just the parts that make America look good in the minds of certain groups. While we may not be responsible today for slavery and the systemic racism that came to be, we are all responsible for understanding the why of history to help prevent racism's persistence tomorrow.

Standing Up to Standing Down

One side wants the other to stand down. To acquiesce. To rollover. To not fight the good fight. History is full of the one-sided smack, usually a government, or a corporation, or a political party, or a cultural norm, or a religious or ideological movement, or some other form of precedented mob rule dominating over the masses, especially the disenfranchised. It's masked in the stance that, if we all come together on this, if you all just do as we say and wish, we'll all be the better for it. No one gets hurt. No harm, no foul. Normalize the rising tide so the rest of us can easily look away from the bodies buried in the sand, reasonable voices eventually drowned out. For a little while at least.

But for most of us, it takes a lot of focus and energy to keep our heads just above that waterline, fighting the everyday good fights for family and community. Those good fights being led by our own subjective voices of reason for a myriad of reasons, a hopeful array of daily disarray. There are so many movements to get behind and support, and yet I always come back to one -- domestic violence awareness and prevention.

Growing up, my sister and I witnessed my mother suffer continuous verbal and physical abuse. Her own parents (our grandparents) had told her repeatedly that she "made her own bed," that she married our birth father and needed to figure out how to make it work. That latter part we didn't know until years later, and while not out of the ordinary with the way families sometimes respond, it always hurt my heart that my loving, evangelical grandparents didn't give our mother more support early on. The domestic violence only escalated from that point on until she got us all out. A single mom with two little kids, no child support from our birth father, we were always one pay check from being homeless. Although I don't know what it was then, today according to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness among families.

However, we did have help from families and friends, and our grandparents did eventually take a stand and help us as well. Not a moment too soon either because we went from one violent home to another before finally finding peace and love with the man I called dad from age 13 onward. Too many times my mom's life was in jeopardy. Too many times all our lives were in jeopardy. According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, three women die everyday in the U.S. due to domestic violence.

United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon recently called on governments around the world to increase spending in areas that will empower women, help domestic violence victims, and prevent future abuse. This includes an expanded definition of violence against women and harsher consequences for non-physical violence such as stalking, harassment, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse -- something that the perpetrators of certainly want us to stand down from supporting.

Besides Kidpower, my wife (known as "The Mama" to my regular readers) has also gotten involved in women's rights issues of late due to the contentious election our country has endured. I call it "activate the Mama" in honor of her inspired activism and civic duty in support locally and nationally of the Women’s March on Washington. Their mission is to stand together in solidarity with our partners and children for the protection of our rights, our safety, our health, and our families -- recognizing that our vibrant and diverse communities are the strength of our country. 

Of course it's not without its critics, and the differences among the women involved are as diverse as the very nation they represent. However, they are standing up to standing down, and since we have two girls growing up in a world where civil rights may potentially be diminished, I couldn't ask for a better partner to help fight this good fight. We've even adopted a family from a local women's shelter this Christmas, a mother and her two young daughters, to give them gifts that they couldn't afford otherwise. It's a little something and every little something helps when you're struggling to live day to day.

Whatever positive movement you support locally and/or globally, get off the ground, activate your family and make a stand happen. Every little bit of positive change and sustenance can go a long, long way this holiday season and throughout the year, the special gifts that keep on giving.