A Far Cry

We saw it scurry across the road. At first we didn't know what it was until we saw a crow swoop at it from above. It ran back and forth, trying to get away from the crow. 

"Is that a baby bunny?" my wife Amy asked. 

"I think so," I said.

We were near the end of one of our weekly workout walks when we came upon the tiny bunny running for it's life back and forth across the road. The crow tried to grab it, peck at it, but the bunny kept getting away. 

"Oh, no!" said Amy.

A truck drove down the road and I thought the bunny was going to be squashed for sure. But it darted back again to the other side of the road, the crow desperately trying to get. That's when we noticed the hawk flying just above the action calculating its own odds.

We thought the bunny finally exited into the underbrush, but then we saw it run back across the road. Our presence had startled the crow and the hawk, but they circled in the air above us waiting for their chance. The bunny made it to the other side, but it couldn't make it over the curb to the wilderness on the other side. 

I ran over and saw that it was indeed a sweet little baby bunny, scared to death, frantically trying to get up over the curb. 

"Can you help it?" Amy said.

"Yes," I said. 

I pulled my sweatshirt sleeve down over my hand and then scooped the bunny up over the curb. 

"Is it okay?" Amy said. 

"I think so," I said. "It went into the bushes, so it should be okay for now."

Amy teased me about taking the bunny home to take care of, which we didn't, and then we finished the rest of our walk. We both knew it was survival of the fittest, the animal kingdom's circle of life. Yet, the parental urge to take care of this helpless baby bunny was strong. An animal that had no skills or abilities to protect itself except to run and hide. But the crow and the hawk weren't harassing the bunny due to any malicious forethought or power play; they just wanted to eat the bunny, while the bunny just wanted to not be eaten. We couldn't hold them accountable for our anthropomorphizing, attributing human characteristics to them and the situation. They were only at the mercy of their genetic predisposition to survive and propagate. 

Unlike humans. Humans (mostly men according to the data) who bully, harass, assault, rape and kill. Humans who have a need to dominate, who may have malicious forethought and who aren't accountable for their actions in the end. Human who even deny their actions are malevolent, who blame their very own victims for the very violence perpetrated. And then add in those other humans who refuse to believe the violence perpetrated and blame the victims as well, in support of the violators. Patriarchal hubris is definitely alive and well today.

I know, that's quite a segue from saving a sweet little baby bunny trying to cross the road, but that's where the experience got me thinking. Thinking about our own children, our daughters, growing up in a world of vicious manimals ready to attack them without notice. 

And even that isn't accurate. Violent crime has decreased dramatically over thousands of years, and more recently, violent crime has decreased dramatically since the early 1990's. That's the good news.

The bad news is that nearly 1 in 3 women have experienced physical or sexual violence at least once in their lifetime, according to a report released by the World Health Organization. Also according to the report, intimate partner violence was the most prevalent form – and it starts early. Nearly 1 in 4 girls and women who'd been in a relationship have already experience physical and/or sexual violence by age 19. As always for incidents like these, they can be woefully underreported. 

This is why we have to teach our children safety skills. If you read my Get Off The Ground posts, you know that practicing Kidpower is a big part of our lives. Our daughters have learned (and continue to) boundary and safety rules to ensure positive consent for affection as they head into teenage-land and beyond.

We also want our daughters to be safe and protect themselves from any predators they may come to know. Intimate partner violence can happen, and our parental need to protect is strong, but we can't always be there to scoop them up over the curb to safety like the baby bunny we helped. We're a far cry from the rest of the animal kingdom anyway, because we can be accountable for our own safety by learning the skills for protecting ourselves and respecting healthy boundaries in daily activities. Skills that are essential to preventing sexual abuse and assault as kids, teens and adults.

Because We Could Be Them

“The future disappears into memory
With only a moment between.
Forever dwells in that moment,
Hope is what remains to be seen…”

—Rush, The Garden

We did our best to stay focused on our strategic planning, but the raucous laughter and marijuana smoke kept distracting us. The nightly homeless encampment outside city hall was bigger than ever and it had nearly blocked the entrance to the conference room where we met.

It was our planning retreat for the prevention of violence against women city commission. At one point an especially loud but indecipherable argument outside the door silenced us. One of our city advisors broke our silence.

"It's sad and ironic that only this wall separates us from where we could be. Many of us today are still only a paycheck away from being out there; we could be them."

I nodded and said, "I know. We're still crawling out of our last economic crater from what seems like a lifetime ago. But it was only a few years ago."

The painful memory of that distress welled in my throat like bile. What I didn't share is that we almost walked away from our home and our community back then. While I wasn't one of millions laid off from their jobs during the great recession -- one poor business decision by me, followed by a severely compromised income, and with two very young daughters in tow, we had to make some very difficult decisions.

Over 9 million people lost their homes in the U.S. during the great recession. In the development of 15 homes where we bought in 2006 near the height of the housing bubble, one-third either went through a short sale or foreclosed. At the time we could afford it until we nearly couldn't, and so we weighed our options on what to do next: either stick it out and work on keeping the house, or walk away and move to the midwest to be close to extended family. We didn't qualify for any of the public assistance plans at the time and our mortgage lender would not work with us at all. Even our accountant recommended we walk from the house, to get out and start over. Many economists echoed that sentiment for those of us underwater at the time.

But in the end, we never missed a mortgage payment, and we were never late with a payment. The unrelenting stress at the time of keeping a roof over my family's head motivated me to hustle, hustle and hustle some more. Both my wife and I hustled. Apocalyptic visions of living on the street were enough to keep us inspired to stay off it.

Of course homelessness is much more complex than that and a recent Santa Cruz City Council subcommittee analysis highlights just how complex it gets on a local level. And although homelessness is down today overall where we live, we're still living in a community with 60 percent of the homeless population living unsheltered within the city limits. Also, over half have been homeless for a year or more and also suffer from one or more disabling conditions like substance abuse, psychiatric conditions, physical disabilities and more. Sadly one in three have been in jail within the past year as well. Then there's the harsh reality for too many homeless is that there is a potential violence and sexual abuse that comes from living on the street.

The noise quieted a bit outside and we continued with our commission meeting. Afterwards we went went home and went on with our lives. The city of Santa Cruz has since converted the public spaces around City Hall from an open-access “park” to more restrictive office grounds, citing a purported escalation of homeless use and aggression. Which has certainly been the case. But everyday we witness the plight of what any of us could become at any time. We empathize and count on the fact that assistance from local organizations and countless volunteers, family and friends can and will help, along with sound public policy empowering safety nets from all levels of government that includes a continuous investment in public safety.

And the argument that dismantling most business and financial regulations today will free up the economy to keep us all employed, our savings intact and safe from being decimated by the greed of a few, and ultimately to keep us all off the streets, is simply ludicrous and ignorant.

Again, it's really complex and I don't know what the answers are. I only know that ignoring it, chastising it or criminalizing it won't solve the long-term homeless problem.

Because we could be them. And then what?

A global family failure

I trusted him. I didn't know him, or him us, but I still trusted him. He had a kind face, like my grandfather. Warm and sincere, he gave me a sense of real security, like I could tell him anything I wanted to and he would listen and provide the right counsel.

My sister and I sat in his chambers listening to him ask us questions. I felt awfully small sitting in there, sinking deeply into a large leather-bound chair, but again I trusted him. I was about 12 at the time, my sister 10.

The judge began to ask us questions about our abusive birth father, what we did with him when it was his turn to do stuff with us, how we felt about it, and why we no longer wanted to do stuff with him.

I remember the judge asking me directly, "Do you want to spend time with your father anymore?"

"No," I answered.

"Are you scared when you're with him?"

"Yes."

"Does he drink when you're with him?"

"Sometimes."

"Do you think he'll hurt you when he's drinking?"

Pause. "I don't know."

Similar answers from my sister. The entire time the judge enveloped us with a sobering warmth, one that gave me the confidence and comfort to be completely honest.

"Again, I ask you -- do you want to spend time with your father anymore?"

"No."

After that visit, we were no longer forced into visitations with our birth father. A year later was the last time I saw him.

I'm sure that because my mother worked for the police department and our soon-to-be stepfather was a cop, that helped get us face time with the judge, probably circumventing the family court system somewhat.

But it could've failed for us, the entire global family system that included our parents, other family members, friends, the police department, the court system, the social workers -- everybody.

It failed for Charlie and Braden Powell and their mother Susan and the millions of other victims of abuse.

No matter how "evil" we claim the Josh Powell's of the world are after the devastating facts come to light, we all failed in the end because we didn't protect our children and all the victims of intimate partner violence.

We didn't give them a voice. We didn't give them safe harbor. And then we have to bury the victims and mourn the loss that could've been prevented.

It was a global family failure that could've failed us all those years ago. Thank God it didn't.

And thank God the B-hive will always have a voice. The Mama and Daddy promise you that.

Please educate your little boys (and girls) for the better today

I went along with it. At first I said no, but he convinced me otherwise. He said it was a game she'd want to play, that she would think it was fun. That girls liked to play these games.

I was six. He was seven or eight, a neighborhood kid, a friend of sorts, one who led and I was a follower. She was only four and still in diapers, or some early iteration of pull-ups (the year was 1971).

I felt uncomfortable. It was late August making everything hot and sweaty. I knew it was wrong, but I remember not knowing what to do about it other than go along.

We didn't touch her or hurt her. The other boy, my sort-of friend, told her to pull her diaper down. She looked scared. I looked away. She pulled it down, he laughed and I stared.

My mom had watched the whole thing from our dining room window and immediately came outside, made us apologize to the little girl. My friend fled, the girl ran away crying (I don't remember if she talked with the parents of the girl or not, but nothing ever came of it).

She then took me inside and began to explain to me the differences between boys and girls, what a vagina was and what a penis was and why it was so wrong to do what we did. And why when I was older, I needed to respect women and never force anything upon them, never hurt them or belittle them in any way.

This coming from a woman who experience years and years of physical and emotional abuse, of which I had witnessed, who desperately wanted to instill in her son the self-awareness of knowing the difference between mutually respectful personal responsibility and the utter human failure of perpetrating intimate partner violence and blaming the victims of abuse.

Young men and boys need this education today more than ever. According to a recent article I read in Ebony online titled Stop Telling Women How to Not Get Raped:

"Telling women that they can behave in a certain way to avoid rape creates a false sense of security and it isn’t the most effective way to lower the horrible statistics which show that 1 in 5 women will become victims of a completed or attempted rape in their lifetime.  The numbers for African American women are even higher at nearly 1 in 4."

For those of us who have little girls, please educate your little boys (and girls) for the better today.

Because we grow up and innocence is so fragile and fleeting.

So this holiday be a warm light to those who have little

"A very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Let's hope it's a good one without any fear." --John Lennon

 

We do our best to not map disturbing statistics onto ourselves, especially during the holidays. Instead we wish them back to the page or the mouths that spoke them, trying to forget them like speeding past dead things on icy dark roads.

But there are 4 women who live with me -- two adults and two girls (Mama, Nonna and the B-hive) -- and according to the CDC's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), 1 in 4 women have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner.

1 in 4.

In fact, on average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States, according to new findings released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Over the course of a year, that equals more than 12 million women and men. Those numbers only tell part of the story – more than 1 million women are raped in a year, and over 6 million women and men are victims of stalking. These findings emphasize that sexual violence, stalking, and intimate partner violence are major public health problems in the United States. In addition, they underscore the heavy toll that violence takes on Americans, particularly women.

This violence affects women much more disproportionately than men, but is still equal opportunity. 1 in 7 men experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner.

Nobody wants to live in fear; both men and women who experience this violence report­ more health problems. Female victims, in particular, have significantly higher rates of irritable bowel syndrome, asthma, frequent headaches and difficulty sleeping.

So this holiday be a warm light to those who have little and help generate awareness and prevention, donate money or gifts/toys to your local domestic violence shelters and women's centers, or volunteer your time.

Or, pamper yourself and your friends and loved ones while doing some good this holiday season without breaking the bank.

Spa Fundraiser has teamed up with The Pixel Project to bring you the Purple Pamper Package annual holiday-gift program. Each Purple Pamper Package spa certificate buys you a mini face-and-hand spa pampering session worth $150.00 for just $25.00 per certificate.

You can even double the charitable impact of the Purple Pamper Package spa certificate by donating a certificate to any of the thirty (30) women's shelters across the country so they can get pampered.

That's a warm light deal just in time for the holidays.

The Pixel Project is an innovative virtual volunteer-led non profit organization using social media and online strategies to turbo-charge global awareness about violence against women while raising funds and volunteer power for the cause.

 

Ready to reduce the 3%

When the purple band snapped, I knew it was my last one. Since then a couple of weeks have gone by and I felt as if my call-to-action powers have dimmed.

Of course I know that a bracelet with the words "Hope, Faith, Courage, and Strength" don't really generate superpowers of any kind beyond awareness.

And it won't protect my girls from harm's way.

However, I read recently about a new book by Steven Pinker called The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined.

In tribal societies, hunter-gatherers and hunter-horticulturalists, an average of about 15 percent of people met their ends through violence. In the 20th century, if you try to come up with the highest estimate you can, combining all the wars, all the genocides, all the man-made famines, you get to about 3 percent.

Three percent. That's an amazing decline when you consider the dramatic population growth in the past 100 years.

But in that 3% there is still violence where 3 out of 4 murdered know their murderer and 60% of those raped know their rapists.

As a father of two girls, these stats haunt me. Intimate partner violence is alive and well and it's up to us to generate awareness and prevention programs at work and at home, because domestic violence doesn't discriminate. We do, but it doesn't.

I'll continue to do my part. And now that it's Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I've ordered a new batch of purple superhero bracelets, I'm ready to reduce the 3%.

The Human Race in Santa Cruz

The Human Race is nationwide community fundraising event for nonprofits and schools on May 7, 2011. And while corporate profits are higher than they've been before the global economic meltdown, many non-profits are on the brink of bankruptcy.

The Human Race is about the helping and healing journey for these nonprofits and what it takes to get there. One collaborative step at a time.

I didn't participate last year, but the year before Mama, Bea and me did. The entire B-hive will be with me this year (unless Bryce is napping, but hey, she's only 8 months old).

For those who know me and read my blog, you know my personal mission is to increase the awareness and prevention of intimate partner violence (domestic violence).

So this year my participation in the Santa Cruz Human Race is all about raising a little money and awareness for the Walnut Avenue Women's Center where I volunteer as a child advocate.

The Walnut Avenue Women's Center is a 501(c)3 public benefit organization dedicated to improving the quality of life for women, children, and families in the local community for over 75 years. Through interactive, supportive programs, WAWC seeks to improve the economic, physical, and emotional well being of all families in Santa Cruz County.

If you'd like to sponsor me, I would greatly appreciate it. If not, think about supporting your local family services centers.

Because until we get the partner violence under control, if we ever can, the abused parent and their children will always need a safe place to go.

It would be nice if that were home.

You can support the center by going to my Human Race page.

Thank you.

Don't do it for me, or even you. Do it for them.

I remember sitting riveted watching Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. It was the early 1970s, close to the height of domestic violence in our house.

I sat riveted while animal after animal killed one another. Not for sport or murderous intention, but because of hard-wired survival instincts to eat or to fend off being eaten.

I had a hard time reconciling then why a father would beat up a mother, just because.

Just because -- of a bad day, a good day, too much booze, not enough booze, a rainy day, a sunny day...

As far as modern biology and neuroscience can show us, the greater animal kingdom has no conscious design to kill for killing's sake or to rape for raping's sake.

But the great human race does.

It's equal-opportunity killing and raping. Granted, the news this week has highlighted this stories:

• US veterans say military fails in rape claim inquiries
• Lara Logan of CBS attacked by Egyptian mob in Cairo
• 5 Browns dad pleads guilty to sexually abusing daughters

Which primarily focus on women, but the forcing of oneself on another isn't relegated to women. However, statistically speaking, most of the time it is.

Random acts of violence and sexual assault aside, let's talk about intimate partner violence (courtesy of the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence):

In February of 2008, the CDC released the most comprehensive US survey regarding intimate partner violence.

The results:

• 23.6% of women and 11.5% of men reported at least one lifetime episode of intimate-partner violence.
• In households with incomes under $15,000 per year, 35.5% of women and 20.7% of men suffered violence from an intimate partner.
• 43% of women and 26% of men in multiracial non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
• 39% of women and 18.6% of men in American Indian/Alaska Native households suffered partner violence.
• 26.8% of women and 15.5% of men in white non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
• 29.2% of women and 23.3% of men in black non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
• 20.5% of women and 15.5% of men in Hispanic households suffered partner violence.

And this is just what's reported and tabulated.

Consider this:

"A study published in the November 2003 issue of Child Abuse & Neglect found that children exposed to abuse on their mothers -- but not mistreated themselves -- also display increased behavior problems. The research was compiled by the University of Washington-Seattle and the Harborview Injury Prevention and Research Center. The study surveyed 167 Seattle women, all of whom had children between 2- and 17 years old.

The results were stronger among the children who had been abused -- but those only exposed to their mothers' abuse were also affected -- they were 60 percent more likely to show externalizing behaviors. They were 40 percent more likely to test in the borderline to clinical range for total behavioral problems."

Because it's the last story -- 5 Browns dad pleads guilty to sexually abusing daughters -- that bothers me the most.

Because I have two daughters and would and could never harm a hair on their heads. My sister and I had to deal with enough harm of our own growing up.

You can't manage others' impulse control or the whipped fervor of destructive intention, but you can manage your own and teach your children to do the same.

Do me a favor and look at your children today. Take a long look at them and then hold them close and tell them how much you love them.

Don't do it for me, or even you.

Do it for them.

The rock bottom perspective

Rock bottom isn't always the Leaving Las Vegas addiction death nell.

It doesn't have to be that devastating and it doesn't have to last years. Rock bottom doesn't discriminate; it's non-demonational. It can be a handful of moments in life that sicken us with heavy rain and gravity, from which most of us rise above newly adjusted and ready to give life another go.

According to BLS stats, there about 8 million men and 6 million women 20 years of age and over are unemployed as of November 2010. The overall employment rate nestled up close to 10% again. I'm now one of that 10%. Not for long, but it's always long enough when you have a family.

With over 73 million children under 18 years of age in households, imagine the percentage of those in unemployed households.

The stress and demands put on the family now that the holidays are here can be enormous. Sadly some fathers and mothers don't make it and fall into depression, addiction and/or violent behavior. Intimate partner violence escalates and women's shelters, family centers and homeless shelters all do a brisk business of help and handouts this time of the year. Anytime of the year actually.

The Walnut Avenue Women's Center I volunteer at is running an Adopt-A-Family For the Holidays campaign. I hope you and yours will give what you can to local organizations like this. I believe paying it forward provides instant karma for when you and yours are in such a situation.

Never say never. It can happen to anyone at anytime.

Whether you draw strength from your God, your family or your friends, do draw strength from them. You don't have to go it alone, and if you know of people bordering on destructive and violent behavior toward others, including their own children, do something about it.

Get off the ground and make a stand happen. Intervene somehow and help save a life. I overcame my blue genes many years ago and hope to inspire others to do the same.

Yesterday I sat for an hour watching the stormy ocean, in a moment of rock bottom reflection...

And then it's an early morning today and we're in bed as bookends to a baby cooing and smiling and staring straight up into the darkness as if it were the sun.

That gives new meaning to the rock bottom perspective.

Family, friends and workplace weave the safety net for victims of intimate partner violence

I posted a similar version of this on my firm's HRmarketer Blog, but I'm giving it a little personal twist for GOTG.

There really weren't any resources for my mother in 1972. She volunteered and then worked as a secretary for the local school district where I grew up, and every time my birth father beat her, there was full clothing to cover the bruises, avoiding others stares and conversation, absenteeism when it was really bad, and more.

There were no domestic violence or workplace violence programs, no employee assistance programs offering counseling or shelter referrals, no assessment and action plans from human resources.

Don't ask, don't tell. The fear and shame that comes with abuse and intimate partner violence is overwhelming enough (intimate partner violence another name for domestic violence) - you don't want your employer to know for fear of losing your job. Employers don't want to know for fear of potential violence in the workplace.

You don't want to tell your friends or family either - even when my grandparents did find out about my mom, they weren't exactly supportive at first.

For my mother and countless others it was faith and prayer and finally the personal strength to get out of the violence.

It still is, although today there are thankfully so many more resources available and more and more companies have workplace violence and/or intimate partner violence programs and/or EAPs. Family and friends need to wake up and be part of the solution as well.

Your workplace can and should take the lead in providing these programs, not only to protect the victims of domestic violence, but also to protect the workplace from the batterers. And for those of you who don't have these programs at your organizations, you should go to HR and your management team and request them.

Consider these:

• A recent survey of CEOs found that most believe domestic violence to be a serious issue, yet 71% did not believe it is a problem in their company. (The reality is that approximately 21% of fulltime working adults report being a victim of domestic violence.)
• Over 70% of United States workplaces have no formal program or policy that addresses workplace violence.
• Of the approximately 30% that have formal workplace violence policies in place (usually binders on shelves gathering dust), only 13% have domestic violence in the workplace policies and only 4% provide training on domestic violence in the workplace (Bureau of Labor Statistics from 2006).

Only 4%. Seems like one helluva short trip from 1972.

And consider these EAP obstacles:

• The most common reason women didn't contact their EAP for intimate partner violence is that they didn't think about it or didn't think appropriate.
• Employee utilization of intimate partner violence EAP services is very low.
• The number one concern of battered women before contacting an EAP is confidentiality -- they’re afraid employee will find out.
• Most EAPs don't have standardized evaluations or codes for intimate partner violence.

But even considering there's much work to be done, human resources, security professionals, EAPs and workplace violence non-profits have all made huge strides in working together to address intimate partner violence and workplace violence.

One organization in particular - the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence - is the only national organization of its kind founded by business leaders and focused on the workplace. Check out some the companies that are members. I came in contact with this organizationearlier this year and was fortunate enough to participate in a few of their S2 - Safer, Smarter Workplace webinars. I was also fortunate enough to interview its Executive Director, Kim Wells (that'll be the next HR Market Share podcast after Thanksgiving).

Amazing employer resources come from the CAEPV. Download Six Steps to Creating a Successful Workplace Program here. Also, great list of dos and don'ts here.

EAPs play a critical role as well. One of my firm's clients - Corporate Counseling Associates - recently released a white paper titled Healthy Organizations Mitigate the Risk of Violence that includes several ways to reduce the threat of violence in the workplace:

• Communicate a zero tolerance policy & develop ongoing employee communications to reinforce the message.
• Set up company procedures for reporting incidents of violence.
• Create a Threat of Violence (TOV) Team, involving members of the following departments: Health Services, Human Resources, Security, EAP, Legal, Facilities Management, Corporate Affairs, and Public Relations.
• Establish organizational mechanisms to prevent violence.
• Constantly monitor and identify “weak spots” in management practices and/or development programs.
• Educate senior management on the warning signs and symptoms of violence-prone individuals, and the environmental pressures that can trigger incidents.
• Train the TOV team to ensure a disciplined execution of strategy.
• Learn how to de-escalate aggression and improve conflict management skills. Run crisis scenario simulations.

In fact, the latest S2 webinar was all about Addressing Domestic Violence in the Workplace: An EAP/Employer Partnership.

We have come a long way from 1972. Family, friends and workplace weave the safety net for victims of intimate partner violence.