Actionable Blessings

For me, the hardest part has been mitigating the painful absurdity of purposeful misinformation and how it impacts the truth and our children. Cobbling truths together based on verifiable but fragmented facts isn't easy anyway, but when we mislead ourselves and our children due to our reactive beliefs and confirmation bias, we lead them down a dangerous path. The double-speak path of power, control, and suppression.  

Which is why we've always wanted our children to understand the realities of our country's history, our human history. From slavery to Indigenous people to the Civil War to civil rights to women's rights to the Holocaust to 9/11 to COVID-19 to the U.S. Capital insurrection to Russian invaded Ukraine and more -- we've talked about it all, especially when they've asked about it. 

Sure, we have our own political and ideological prejudices that taint our objectivity, but we try to give our children as much information that they can process that's age-appropriate. Because in the years to come, they'll begin to form their own ideologies and perspectives about the world around them and the people around them. 

What I really hope for our daughters is that they can perceive the double-speak of power and control when it discriminates against and suppresses others. That they can perceive the painful absurdity of equating pandemic public health safety mandates to making Jews wear stars during the Holocaust. 

That they can perceive the difference between the hateful violence at the U.S. Capitol and legitimate political discourse. 

That they can perceive the danger of praising of a relentless dictator with a murderous history as a talented and savvy leader. A leader who has now displaced over 360,000 Ukrainians by invading their homeland, a sovereign nation since 1990. 

Imagine that happening here in the U.S. Just thinking about all these things and the many other absurdities that continue to be perpetuated angers and exhausts me. 

We're not going to flee from history with our children's eyes and ears closed, or let them drown in Orwellian and Atwoodian double-speak of power, control, and suppression. We're going to talk about what's happened and what's happening around them in their city, their state, their country, and their world, with as many objective and verifiable facts we can find. We'll give them the opportunities to ask questions, understand as much as they can, and eventually formulate their own perspectives and world views. 

We don't want them to feel bad about being human, but we do want them to be better humans throughout their lives, always with more love, compassion, and actionable blessings.

Today, we send our actionable blessings to the people of Ukraine. 

Not How They Will Wind Up

They found me at the elementary school down the street from our house. We'd been at a senior event only weeks before high school graduation, and I had to leave. Another intense panic attack had come on quickly, and I had felt out-of-my mind stressed out -- scared, hot, sweaty, trapped, ashamed, not being able to breathe, needing to get out. Like that very second. 

And so I left. Said I had to go to the bathroom or something like that. I left and drove around and then went to the elementary school and sat on a bench. Still stressed out, scared, ashamed, full of guilt, and drenched in sweat. 

At the time I couldn't quite grasp the impact of years of perfectionism, of not wanting to disappoint family or friends, of not living up to expectations, of wanting to be the best in whatever I did and willing to lie about it if I wasn't, and of wanting to be liked no matter what. There was also the gulf of not dealing with childhood trauma I had experienced that added to my feelings of inadequacy and shame. It was like I'd wrapped myself in barbed wire and I couldn't break free without shredding myself -- and keeping others at bay. 

From junior high through high school, I armored up year after year with more and more barbed wire by not talking about any of it, of withdrawing more and more into my anxiety, which then triggered more and more frequent panic attacks. So, that day at the elementary school at the end of my senior year, I finally did my best to explain to my parents what had been happening to me, why I felt the way I did, and why I responded how I did. I couldn't articulate all the stress and shame I felt, or why, and it would be at least another 15 years before I truly began to free myself from it all and the shame of it, but I shared what I could.

According to researcher Brené Brown, shame causes people to feel trapped, powerless, and isolated,  and common shame triggers like appearance and body image, sexuality, family, motherhood, parenting, professional identity and work, mental and physical health, aging, religion, speaking out, and surviving trauma.

Trapped, powerless, and isolated. The good news was my parents listened, even if they didn't fully understand. They empathized, especially my mom, because she, like me, had experience a whole lot of screwed up shit in her own life. She was a perfectionist as well, survived trauma, and was full of a boatload of shame. 

My wife and I agreed that going into parenthood we were going to ensure a positive, loving, empathetic, and supportive environment. As we've learned with Kidpower, we want them to be socially, emotionally, and physically safe. We knew we weren't going to get it all right all the time, and we didn't, but we were committed to this journey. Are committed to this journey. 

And while there are physical and emotional changes our daughters are going through now being a tween and teen, the teen brain two-step for one, we also want them to be able to talk to us about anything. Of course there will be things they only feel comfortable talking with their mom about, but no matter what, we want them to feel like they can talk with either of us. 

Every week at our family meetings we discuss:

• Things we're grateful for and what positive things we've noticed about each other 
• Positive communication with each other and others
• Managing our emotions with each other and others
• Providing support to each other and others
• The awareness to understand and share the feelings of others (more empathy) 
• The willingness to be vulnerable with themselves and others and not armor up

The fact is, our girls will have many emotional and psychological adventures to come; the developmental tsunami has only just begun. We want to ensure they wrap themselves in actionable resiliency to mitigate perfectionism, poor self-image, shame, sadness, and anxiety. We want them to be able to talk with us about anything, which is why we're always checking in with them. To the point where we hear "why are you asking me so many questions!" again and again and again.

We'll continue to cover all this with them regularly. These days the weekly meetings do come with giggles, sighs, and eye rolls, but they do listen and participate. Thank goodness, because it took me decades to unravel those barbed-wired defenses learned so long ago. This is not how they will wind up. 

The Teen Brain Two-Step

"Now would I say something that wasn't true?
I'm asking you sugar
Would I lie to you?"

—Eurythmics, Would I Lie to You?

I remember teen brain. Oh, do I ever. Although it's funny to say that now decades later when I didn't remember much then about things I did then. Like completely spacing out on things. Or, I just didn't want to remember them because I wasn't supposed to do them, and so I lied about them because I didn't want to get into trouble. Or, because I didn't want to do them when I was supposed to do them, and so I lied about doing them because I didn't want to get into trouble. 

Shall we dance?

Teen brain development goes on for years until at least our mid-twenties based on research I've read. Teen brains are more susceptible to stress, but are more adaptable the resilient that what adults give them credit for, because there is a big learning curve. However, the prefrontal cortex is one of the last brain regions to mature and is responsible for skills like planning, prioritizing, and controlling impulses.

Which is why teen brain can be bonkers at times, like lying about stuff. I do remember lying to my parents, or wanting to lie about something, more than once, what many of us did at that age.

Take for example the time I fell out of a moving truck when I was almost 16. Yes, a moving truck. There were no alcohol or drugs involved, just teen brain stupidity. My friend at the time, who was 16 and had his license, was driving me and another friend around the neighborhood in his truck. We were in the back of the truck sitting on either side of the truck bed. Above the bed actually, sitting up on the sides of the truck with only our hands holding on as we sat. 

So, what did we do then? My friend and I in the back of the truck begin to rock the truck. Because it was fun. We laughed and rocked — until my friend driving began to swerve back and forth. That's when things took a teen brain turn for the worse. 

I flipped over the side of the truck going around 25 miles per hour. My chest hit the moving back tire and I put my hand out to stop my fall. I hit face down on the asphalt and rolled over 10 feet (according to my other friend who didn't fall out). Both friends ran over to me, the one driving extremely apologetic, to see how I was. It was dusk now and we were under a street light. I remember asking how bad it was as I held up my right hand I used to break my fall that was now fat and swollen (and broken I'd find out the next day). 

They both looked at each other and then me again and said, "It's bad."

I remember I said, "Maybe I'll just tell my parents I got in a fight."

The other friend who was in the back of the truck with me shook his head and said, "With the road maybe. No, you know you've never been in a fight, Kevin. They'll know you're lying. You'll have to tell them the truth."

And there it was. So, that time, I didn't end up lying to cover my butt, because it would've made it worse. Weeks later when the road rash across my face, chest, and legs was healed up, and the case on my hand came off, and I wasn't grounded any longer, it was back to teen brain business as usual. 

Hopefully our daughters won't have this kind of literal painful teen brain moment, but the odds are there will be some things in the years to come. Maybe not falling out of the back of a truck something — good God, not that. But we are already experiencing teen brain now, and that includes saying that chores were done, when obviously they were not. 

Compared to falling out of the back of a truck and wanting to lie about it, lying about doing one's chores is pretty mild. But it's still something as parents we have to deal with. My default setting is always to go punitive, to confront the lying and to take allowance money away if the chores weren't done. My wife on the other hand reminds me that teenage brain will double down on the lies when called out. We both had plenty of experience with that when we were their age. 

Instead, we compromised and said the chores had to be done again, which after some protest they were, and in the future would have to be done when we're around to verify they were done. Not that we didn't believe they weren't done, just that we need to verify they got done. 

That's pretty much the same thing as not believing they were done, because they weren't, but that's the teen brain two-step we'll be dancing for the next decade. 

The Ultimate Quits

"Nothing is perfekt

Certainly not me

Success to failure

Is just a matter of degrees..."

—Geddy Lee, Working at Perfekt

Two weeks in, I was miserable. Actually, misery had already been trailing me like a nasty funk, but it was the physics did me in. Literally the physics class. I had started community college with a scholarship, down a path to engineering, something I thought I wanted, but really didn't. In fact, I didn't know what I wanted at all way back then after high school. The end of high school for me was marked with horrible anxiety that stemmed from childhood trauma and the pressure to succeed from others, and from myself. 

Bottom line — I was a mess. So, two weeks after community college started, I quit. For a week after that, I pretended to go to classes, too afraid to tell my parents. They figured it out, were disappointed, but listened to me struggle to tell them why. A year later I'd start college at San Jose State University, where I eventually and proudly finished, but even that was a rocky road at first.

People quit things for many reasons. They quit school they never wanted, bad habits, unhealthy relationships, and thankless jobs. In fact, during the past year, millions of people have quit their jobs in search of something more for themselves, for their families, or both. If anything, the COVID-19 pandemic became a super-accelerator of change for many. Not just about jobs, but relationships and many other life choices. There's been so much loss as well of all the things we used to take for granted. We can't forget that we're nearing 1 million deaths related to COVID-19. 

Our children have also experienced traumatic changes during the past two years — losing loved ones of course, but also how they learn, where they learn, where they can go, who they can be with and see, what extracurricular activities they can or can't participate in. It''s no surprise that mental health challenges have increased dramatically with children and teens today. 

Pandemic aside, I was raised that when you start something, you finish it, no matter how unhappy you are or you become. It's worse when you're forced to do something you don't want to do because the adults in charge want you to do it. That it's the unhappiness of the challenge that builds character, resilience, and grit.

I used to believe that, but I don't today, although I've struggled with it to this day. There is context for for everything, and while persevering and working through challenging situations can help us become more resilient, we still have and should have the capacity to choose. To change our minds. To quit if necessary, especially when it's no longer fun and fulfilling. 

My wife Amy and I have always wanted our children to try new things, to want to learn new things. Beyond core curriculum in school, we're talking about sports, music, art, and other related activities. Years ago I wanted our daughters to sign up for the Jedi training at Disneyland, being the big Star Wars fan I am. There were nervous and stressed about trying it, almost backed out, but did it and loved it. 

Maybe they didn't want to disappoint me, but they did it. And true, that was me living my life through them, an adulting habit that can be hard to break. However, when they do discover activities they find fulfilling and fun, then we encourage them to pursue them further (even if we encouraged it in the first place). Fun and fulfilling is foundational for positive growth, grit, confidence, and overcoming fear. If they aren't feeling it, and misery follows and they want to quit, then they should, even if they're good at it. Soccer they both felt and still feel. Playing in the school band, not so much. They still tried, though. 

However, that's the hard part for me, fighting my "when you start something, you finish it" upbringing, no matter how miserable you are. That you can only be proud when you stick it out, because quitters are losers. But that's such crap. The latest meditation that Amy and I have been practicing is all about letting go. Letting go of things that are no longer fulfilling or fun, nurturing or loving, that are destructive emotionally and physically, and the list goes on. 

So, when we went to Ms. Tina's celebration of life, one of the beloved teachers from our girls' grade school who passed away suddenly last December, I looked out over the sea where the setting sun was headed as it let go of yet another day of possibilities. And it hit me — life is here, and then it's gone. Letting go of the not fun or fulfilling is healthy, the ultimate quits, ones we should be proud of for ourselves and our children. 

Truly Their Oyster

And just like that...nearly nine years goes by.

When I look at old pictures of every time we've gone to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, I can't help but smile. That's because every time we've gone we've learned something new about the all the sea creatures they care for there, many that are being rehabilitated to be released again into the Monterey Bay. We've been proud members for a long time. 

Today, our youngest Bryce is very interested in marine biology, just like her mom a long time ago. Whether or not that passion continues remains to be seen, but it doesn't matter, because just like when Bryce wanted to be an astronaut, she's passionate about learning. Our oldest Beatrice is just as passionate about learning as well, and our latest trip to the aquarium included watching a short film called "Behind the Glass." It was about the work they do at the aquarium and how they try to create environments for the fish and mammals that are similar to their wild habitats. They pump 2,000 gallons per minute into aquarium that fills the exhibits for nearly 80,000 plants and animals.

Some of what we see each time reminds us that as humans, we have a big impact on the wildlife ecosystems around us. Take plastic for example. According the Monterey Bay Aquarium website, early 7 billion of the 9 billion tons of plastic that have ever produced ends up as waste. In fact, the average American creates 270 pounds of plastic waste every year. And most is never recycled. 9 million tons of plastic make their way from land into the sea every year. That’s like dumping a garbage truck full of plastic into the ocean every minute. Ugh. This is why we've worked hard to do our part by reducing our plastic usage. 

Also, 90% of fish populations are currently fished at, or above, their sustainable limits. And even with 50% being farmed seafood, it's not always done in the most eco-friendly way and can damage the environment further. In fact, when fish are farmed, there is an increased risk of disease and parasite outbreaks. To combat these diseases, some farmers use antibiotics or pesticides. Lots of fish housed together also produces concentrated waste. Many farmers release this waste into nearby waterways. In addition, experts are concerned with antibiotic resistance. The aquarium also has a search engine where you can find sustainable seafood recommendations and what to avoid. 

Of course we love all the animals we see when we visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium. We love watching the sea otters play, the alien jellyfish dance, and turtles and sharks gliding away in the deep sea tank. The girls also still love going to the touch tanks in the children's area to feel the starfish, sea cucumbers, crabs, and more. 

More than the fun, it truly is the importance of continuous learning about our backyard Monterey Bay that keeps us coming back. We want our children to know the realities of the world around, the role they play in those realities, and the sometimes elusive truths that evolve as our scientific understanding of them evolves, including the mysterious sea and the creatures therein. The world is truly their oyster. 

After writing this, I told the girls during our weekly family meeting how I've noticed over the years how much fun they've had at the aquarium, and how they've always learned something new. 

They both then asked, "What did we learn?"

We laughed and I told them to write us a 5-page essay on what they've learned over the years. They didn't like that idea very much. Oyster indeed. 

Quite The Kick

Bryce had asked when our first kiss was. Beatrice, who's exercising her teenage sarcasm and sass muscles, asked when our first "kick" was. 

"Ha, ha," I said.

"Wasn't it when we took that first walk along the water?" my wife Amy asked. 

"No," I said. "It was when I fixed you dinner for the first time. Technically our second date."

Our daughters both wanted to know the story, so we told them.

After Amy and I first me one day at the beach in 1997, I had asked Amy to go on a walk at dusk the next week. We brought flashlights and walked along the water and talked and talked. We sat on one of the benches along the water and talked and talked. Then I walked her back to her apartment.

But we didn't kiss then. After our walk, I asked her out for a dinner date. Me fixing her dinner at my apartment was the idea, which was in the building adjacent to mine. She said yes. I told I was thinking of fixing some pasta, salad, garlic bread, and some wine. She said great. 

At the time I had only been living on my own again as a bachelor for a few months (another story for another time), and so, I didn't have a lot of food at my place. I also commuted to work every day to San Jose, and the drives could be grueling. There was a lot of eating out. 

The dinner date night came quick, and I did not plan ahead. Amy came over for the date and I asked her if she'd like to go to the store with me. She said sure and we went. 

I gathered the ingredients I needed to fix dinner, but there was also one more important thing I didn't have at my apartment: toilet paper. She didn't know that, but would know that when she used my bathroom and there was none. 

Amy didn't care that I needed to get toilet paper. Was happy that I was buying toilet paper, of course. That might've been a love killer if I didn't have any. We brought everything back, I fixed the dinner, we ate, we talked, we laughed, and we kissed. And I then I fell deeply in love. 

Nearly 25 years later, I'm still deeply in love, and when they asked, we told our daughters this story of when we first kissed. Beyond the "yucks" they did think it was sweet. We've always been comfortable showing affectionate around them, kissing and hugging and saying "I love you," because we want them to see that we love and care for one another. 

Still, Mom and Dad intimacy may creep them out sometimes, especially during their coming teenage years, but modeling heathy emotional and physical intimacy is key as their early relationships blossom. Telling our kids no, don't like anyone, don't have any crushes or fall in love, don't kiss or hug, isn't an option. It will happen. Probably more than once. And we want to be a part of those experiences and give them the support they need on the rollercoasters to come. 

Beatrice being sassy and asking about our first "kick" definitely hit the mark, because that first kiss was quite the kick.

Appreciate Awards For All

Nearly two months before the holidays, our youngest daughter Bryce wanted an award. Not for herself, but for her 5th grade teacher, Mr. B.

I was ordering trophies for her and her soccer teammates, and she asked if we could order an appreciation award for her teacher. One she'd give to him before the holiday break began. She really enjoys her class and her teacher, and so we agreed. She helped pick out the award out and we ordered it. 

Like many school-age kids everywhere, the upside-down pandemic world continues to impact their education and their mental health. Thankfully, we've been back to in-person school this school year, and even with the Omicron surge, went back to in-person after the holidays. That hasn't been the case for many public school districts in California and across the country. 

In California, more than 65,000 students and staff tested positive for COVID-19 after the holidays. This happened nearly everywhere, and teachers everywhere are burnt out, sick, quitting, and not going back, and lawmakers are rewriting hiring rules and lowering requirements to fill teacher vacancies. 

The negative emotional and psychological impact on children, parents, teachers, and administrators have been significant. We're all trying to right ourselves from flipping upside-down so many times since March 2020. Already teachers struggle with more behavioral problems in the classroom that weren't there pre-covid. Our own children did okay during distance learning and integrating back into in-person school, but so many fell behind and mental health issue abound. Even with more learning choices for families today, our children's education will never be the same. 

This is why losing a beloved teacher like we did during the holidays was so much more devastating to our school community in addtion to all the pandemic trauma. And why it was more bittersweet after my wife Amy had put together teacher-appreciation holiday gifts with supportive notes from our daughters at the end of last year, which they gave to each of the their teachers personally. And why Bryce wanted to give her teacher a very special award. 

Everyone is struggling on some level due to the disruption that seems to be never-ending. Regardless of how or where your kids go to school, don't forget that as parents, we're their teachers, too. Everything we do or say, our kids absorb and model, so blaming broken systems and burnt out teachers isn't helpful. 

I grew up with the competitive criticism that not everyone deserves an award. But for teachers, healthcare professionals, and essential workers everywhere -- along with parents, especially those who are also these very essential workers -- there should be appreciation awards for all with notes of nurturing and support. Blessings to you all.