How We're Teaching It

"...The road unwinds towards me
What was there is gone
The road unwinds before me
And I go riding on..."

–Rush, Driven

It's our tone. Our inflection. The way we emphasize "no, don't do that" or "no, you can't stop now" or "what are you doing!?!".

And in the defense of our oldest Beatrice who's been driving with her permit now for a couple of months, with nearly 30 hours of driving total, she's not wrong. 

As parents, my wife Amy and I haven't forgotten how hard it is when you're learning to drive. Operating a 4,000+ pound machine at any miles per hour can still be rough sometimes for adults, like us who have driven one million miles (based on the current driving average of 60 minutes a day). We haven't had to commute to work for any significant distance for many years either. 

It's a lot to remember, all the rules of the road, while also trying to anticipate what all the other drivers around you may do. We don't have fully autonomous driving vehicles 100% on the road yet, which may in the future reduce accidents, but don't tell that to Waymo today if you'd seen the bizarre self-driving behavior in San Francisco and other cities.

Beatrice has been driving herself and sibling Bryce to and from school and other places, with Amy or me or both of us in the car with her. We grab her permit, slap on the "PLEASE BE PATIENCE -- STUDENT DRIVER" magnets on the car, and off we go. Unfortunately, Beatrice gets double the adult trouble when Mom and Dad engage in crosstalk driving tips. Which don't always align and adds to the inflection frustration. 

"Beatrice stop! You're really close to that parked truck."

"No, she's not, Amy. Plenty of room. Beatrice, keep going. You can't stop here."

We don't crosstalk every time thankfully (whether that's contradicting each other or literally sounding cross). But again, no matter how we say it, our tone can sometimes feel like we said, "Good God kid, what were you thinking stopping when turning right on a green light and no one else is around! Go now!" 

We really try to not to do that, but it's harder for me because I'm the gruffly direct Dad while Amy is usually the warm empathic Mom. And yet, Beatrice reminds us again and again to not crosstalk when we're together and to not be angry, judgy, or shaming with our words when we think we're helping her. 

We don't think we are, but I'm sure it might sound that way when we're stressed about driving with a student driver. We also have to remind ourselves she's a teen and is stressed learning to drive and more subject to feeling like we're disappointed when we point out something to her. If we speak up, it feels like to her we're freaking out, which freaks her out. 

And now Bryce is right behind and cannot wait to learn to drive. Sigh. 

We'll help Beatrice with her driving skills as much as we can (and eventually Bryce). The more hours she gets in pre and post driver's license the better (and hopefully safer) driver she'll be. The best way to know is to do; experience is the greatest driver of "doing" mastery. She's doing great.

For Mom and Dad, we'll keep reminding to not turn left into oncoming traffic even when the light is green, and many other important driving tips. We also need to keep reminding ourselves that it's not what we're teaching, it's how we're teaching it, whether together or one-on-one. Watch the crosstalk, kids. 

From Now Until Forever

"...(Forever) Got a feeling that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(Forever) From now until forever
You're the biggest part of me
You're the life that breathes in me
You're the biggest part
Of me..."

–Ambrosia, Biggest Part of Me

The summer before I started high school, I typed the song lyrics out on a single sheet of paper for my girlfriend at the time. The song was "Biggest Part of Me" and had just been released in April of 1980 and became one of Ambrosia's biggest hits. Music had become a defining part of who I was and how I saw the world. 

I was an avid reader then (and now), and that same year I read Lucifer's Hammer, an end-of-world story set Central Valley of California near where I grew up, and that book started my love of reading about how humanity survives a natural or manmade catastrophe.

Decades later, after my wife Amy and I first met, we discovered we both loved mostly the same music, including Ambrosia's "Biggest Part of Me", and that we both loved end-of-the-world stories. Hopeful romantics who felt humanity was hopelessly doomed. 

In 1999, the night before we moved in together, Amy took me to see Ambrosia at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. And we danced to our song. Four years later we were married and we danced to our song (it's been the wedding for many folks over the decades). Every time we hear the song we dance to it and sing it to each other.

Ambrosia played locally again this weekend and we went to see the show, while . Before the show started, we met a lovely couple named Jim and Nancy while we were eating dinner across the street. Nancy's cousin was one of the keyboardists for Ambrosia, Mary, and the wife of the drummer and one of the original band founders, Burleigh Drummond. We told them it was our wedding song, and they smiled and said that was wonderful and that it's been many couple's wedding song. We smiled and said we couldn't wait for the show. I was so grateful for such synchronicity! 

The Ambrosia show was wonderful. They played their hits and some covers and songs we had never heard before. They played "our" song and we danced to it just like we always do. 

Here we are in our 29th year with two teens, a cat, and a dog. We're still hopeful romantics trying to make a positive difference. We also still love our end-of-world stories; we still feel that humanity is doomed. But not as hopelessly anymore. It's not quite cynicism -- it's pragmatic realism now laced with mindful hope. 

The doomsday fiction we've read and watched over the decades usually ended with some form mindful hope, of the people wanting to be better, rebuild, and make the best of what was left. Understandably our kids do not like this about us. They're very aware of the world they're inheriting now and want to do something more directly active to improving it. We hope they do.

Trust me, we really don't want the world to end. We want a better world for our children. We're working on a better world for our children. Our children are working on a better world for our children. But if the end of the world comes, we'll go out with a love-filled bang dancing to "Biggest Part of Me" and salvaging as much of the best of us we can along the way -- from now until forever -- amen.

Excavate With Love and Care

"...The world weighs on my shoulders
But what am I to do?
You sometimes drive me crazy
But I worry about you

I know it makes no difference
To what you're going through
But I see the tip of the iceberg
And I worry about you..."

–Rush, Distant Early Warning

Even with a lot of friends in high school and a close family, there were times when I was lonely. Extremely lonely. The kind where I didn't know how to articulate how lonely I was and periodic depression set in. It got worse toward the end of high school when I started having panic attacks and extreme anxiety, which at the time I understood nothing about. 

I tried to talk about it with friends and family, but it sounded trite to me. I had everything in the world going for me, so why did I feel this way? Why did I feel so alone? Why was I falling apart? No one treated me that way, but no one knew exactly how I felt, and when your self-perception is skewed to dark extremes, it's hard to accept help of any kind. The spiraling feeds on itself, propelling you into isolated oblivion where no one can reach you.

Fortunately, I worked through all that after high school, with help from dear friends, family, and therapy. Decades later I'm married with two teens and haven't felt severely lonely, anxious, or depressed for a long time. There are small fires here and there from time to time, but those are easily managed and put out. 

But today, according to a recent AARP study, 40% of U.S. adults now report being lonely, a significant increase from 35% in both 2010 and 2018. Besides us "old" folks, it's also a greater problem for Gen Z, Millennials, and the LGBTQ+ community. 

Also, according to the article, nearly half of lonely adults have limited social resources and wish for stronger connections, compared to about a third of adults overall. Community engagement is also declining: fewer people are attending religious services, volunteering, or joining local groups. 

While technology can help a helpful connector, too many adult dive into social media rabbit holes and stay too long. Even our own kids tease my wife and I about spending too much time on our devices, flipping through Facebook and Instagram. My usage is down 50% from a few years ago, but they still think I'm on too much. Social It's no wonder that more lonely adults are turning to artificially intelligent (AI) companionship. 

Loneliness is a strong predictor of poor health outcomes, including a higher risk of cognitive decline, depression, and stroke. It's linked to approximately 871,000 loneliness-related deaths annually, with significant health impacts. I read it's equated to the damage smoking a pack of cigarettes can do to the body. Thank goodness I'm an ex-smoker with limited anxiety these days. 

As a close family that does our best to fill our lives with daily joy, we're very open and empathic communicators, ready to listen to each other and provide counsel if and when needed. Or, just simply listen. Well, our teens aren't always the best listeners, and sometimes it's clear when all they hear come out of our mouths is, "Blah, blah, blah..." Because we are still the parents and the adults in charge. 

Both our kids have their own friend groups and close friends, but like many teens today, have struggled with loneliness sometimes since middle school. We've found that having the open communication with them, without shame or judgement, is the key to healthy family relationships and curbing isolation and loneliness. The more adulting they do, the more it translates into healthy relationships with others in their lives. Same goes for Mom and Dad. 

Also, get your whole family involved where you live. Volunteer your time. Join a church and/or a club. Play recreational sports. Take a class. Organize a march. Make new and lasting social connections. And if you see the tip of a loneliness iceberg, excavate with love and care to find the heart that's always there.

No Harmless Joke

We used the f-word all the time. We threw it at each other like teasing darts, meant to sting and leave a mark. We also knew other people who used the f-word to make others feel less than human, a filthy sub-species that wasn't worthy to bask in the same circles or sunlight as them. 

That may seem dramatic, but it was more than true, going all the way back to grade school for me and my friends. The usage became especially prevalent in junior high and high school. It continued for years after high school as well. It was about men minimizing other men, to demasculinize each other. When we used it against each other, we never thought about its origin or why it was ultimately offensive. And when it was between us, we were only joking with each other. 

It was only a harmless joke. C'mon.

The f-word I'm talking about is faggot. Including any derivative or tangential equivalent like "you're so gay".

Let's go back in time. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the morpheme comes from the French fagot, which means a small bundle of bound-together sticks to be used as kindling. 

By the mid-16th century, the word had become associated with the burning alive of heretics and was used in callous phrases such as "fry a faggot." 

By the 1800s, the term was also being used to refer derogatorily to women. The modern term may have come from these origins, but the etymology is in dispute.

The Oxford English Dictionary cites a 1914 reference in a book of criminal slang as the first modern American use of faggot as a slur for a homosexual male.

Today the term is listed in most every dictionary as derogatory or offensive.

When I read about the high school incident in Visalia where I grew up, I was disappointed and angered. It was my rival high school when I was a teenager, but that was decades ago and nothing like this happened then that I remember. 

A group of senior students, some who were part of the ASB student leadership, spelled out a homophobic slur with the t-shirts they were wearing. 

According to the news reporting, the picture of them doing this was taken during school hours, immediately following a senior class photo shoot. In the senior photo, the shirts spelled out "Class of 2026 Always Legit," before they rearranged the letters to say the derogatory word.

It seems to have been prompted by the fact that the seniors were leading an eight-grade orientation on when some ASB leaders reacted to two middle-school boys holding hands. Then later in the day, a small group of eight ASB students – male and female, made shirts to spell out “2 FAG6OTS” while seating next to each other on the bleachers.

Student leadership did this. During school hours. In front of the entire student body, teachers, and administration. 

The Visalia Unified Superintendent said, "This is unacceptable behavior and this matter is being thoroughly investigated and appropriate action will be taken."

He added, "Every student deserves to feel respected, protected, and valued on our campuses. We will continue working to ensure our schools are places where dignity, belonging, and accountability guide our actions."

I also read that one of the students' parents was quoted anonymously that "we will deal with them; they didn't mean any harm".

I ask the parents of these kids -- then why did they do it in the first place? Why did they think it was okay? The problem with privileged circular logic is that some of them probably do believe it was a harmless joke. 

When some of my friends in high school egged another friend's house, him and his parents were very hurt. My parents were very upset and disappointed in us. I was upset and disappointed in us. But some of the other fathers didn't care and chocked it up as harmless teen fun. 

Back in the day, my friends and I also rationalized it as harmless joking amongst ourselves. We thought we were pretty good guys who just teased each other relentlessly. It took many years after high school for us to understand how cruel and offensive it was using gay slurs, ethnic slurs, female slurs, etc., and we finally changed our behavior. We never spelled out a slur with our t-shirts at a school function, but that didn't make our behavior any less hurtful if others knew what we said.

Many of us went on to have families of our own. My wife and I have two daughters, both in high school now, and our youngest identifies as non-binary and is gay. Something they knew since they were in the 4th grade. Something we've accepted fully because we love our children and fully support them in being who they are and becoming happy and healthy adults. I believe that's true with most parents. 

We now live in a country whose leadership openly and unapologetically practices discrimination, humiliation, cruelty, misogyny, and harassment of historically marginalized populations. Masked in the guise of equality and unity. Thankfully most of us pushing back against the offensive and dehumanizing rhetoric and actions.

So again, I ask the parents of the students who spelled out the homophobic slur at the school function, and the students themselves who did it (some of whom were ASB leaders): Why did they/you do it in the first place? Why did they/you think it was okay? What should the consequences be? What's the learning opportunity here, the empathic growth opportunity for all involved? 

It's no harmless joke, kids. Everyone deserves to feel respected, protected, and valued. Even those we don't like and disagree with. No one deserves their humanity and rights minimized based on gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or religion. As the parents and the adults in the room, we can and should do better for our kids. For all the kids. 

Finding Joy

I knew immediately she wasn't a conference attendee. Not so much based on what she wore, clothes I remember seeing at Grateful Dead shows in the late 1980's. Colorful, loose-fitting shirt and pants. A little dingy, but no body odor smell. She had a small, kind face, tan and leathered, but I assumed she was only in her forties. She also didn't have on a conference badge, so that was telling. 

She stopped in from our table in the exhibit space eyeing the LEGO figures we had on display. They were part of our fun giveaway; attendees could build their ideal job candidate with the Legos and then we'd talk with them about optimizing their candidate and experience. Our company, Survale, helps companies improve their recruiting, hiring, and retention, through candidate and employee experience feedback. 

"How's the conference going for you so far?" I asked. I instantly felt bad asking her that, knowing that she wasn't attending.

"Great," she said. 

I wasn't surprised she said this. She was eating one of the tapioca deserts they had served at lunch. 

"The tapioca's good, isn't it," I said.

"Yes. Can I build one?" she said, referring to the LEGO people. 

"Of course," I said. 

My co-workers engaged with her as well as she built her first LEGO person. We all knew she wasn't attending the conference.

One of them asked her about the conference, and she said, "Oh, I'm not attending. I was just walking down the beach and saw this event. I came over and had some lunch and now I'm building a Lego person."

As she built her person, her face awakened with determined joy. There weren't a lot of parts to build these Lego people, but she methodically took her time, selecting and re-selecting the legs, body, head, hair, and accessory the figure would hold. 

She finished and I told her it looked great. Then she asked, "Can I build another one?"

"Sure, please do," I said. 

More determined joy. The exhibiting part of the conference was almost over, so we gave her the space and the time to build. 

One of our team asked to take her picture putting the Legos together. Her joy drained away and she looked concerned. "No, I don't think so," she said. But she ultimately agreed when she didn't have to look directly at the phone camera, that it was just for our marketing team.

When she was done with her second figure, she started to walk away, paused, her eyes fixated on the Legos still, and then turned to face us again.

"Can I just do one more?" she asked.

"Of course," I said. 

After the stranger left our table, I realized I never asked what her name was, nor did I share mine. I knew nothing else about her -- whether she was unemployed and/or unhoused; whether she had a criminal past or not; whether she was alone or had her own family; whether she had physical and/or mental health issues. 

What I did know is that for a few moments, she found intentional joy in putting together the LEGO people, and we encouraged her to do it, without shame or judgement. A simple moment of empathic humanity.

I also knew she was someone's daughter, and that made me think about our own daughters, and their adult lives that have yet to unfold. Supposedly humans make over 35,000 decisions each day equating to nearly a billion decisions in a lifetime. Because adulting is hard, we've encouraged our kids to consciously manifest a happy and healthy life. But there will unforeseen circumstances to deal with and poor decisions will be made along the way. Hopefully fewer and farther in between than we experienced, especially me. 

If there's one thing I believe we've imparted on them to date, it's finding joy in everything they do. Always. Intentionally. Unequivocally. Joy.

Our Children's Future

Our oldest Beatrice loves history. Our youngest Bryce loves science. Both have been rewritten and rolled back by the current U.S. government. Our rights continue to be trampled on, and citizens are being harassed, injured, and killed. These are scary times for all Americans. Even those who support it all.

But they're especially scary for our children. My wife Amy and I hopefully have many more years of living ahead, but our children's futures are in jeopardy. We know. Our friends with kids know it. Our kids know it. 

Which was why we were okay with them both participating in the "Stop ICE Day of Action" school walk out and protest. Over 1,000 high school and middle school students in our district exercised their 1st amendment rights to gather peacefully and protest what's happening in our country. 

That wasn't without some reservations from us, however. First, being a parent and a school board member, I was torn letting our kids miss school for this event. Our district issued a statement for parents that read, "On Friday, schools will offer optional structured opportunities for reflection, discussion, writing, and creative expression so students can exercise their first amendment rights while safely remaining on campus. Because school attendance is state law, we cannot endorse or provide resources for any walk-out of school. This is true regardless of the nature of the protest." 

Our school district added, "Our highest priority is student safety, well-being, and belonging." For every single student. Another board member also reminded me that "through existing school board policy, we have a shared responsibility to uphold student rights, maintain safe learning environments, and support staff in their professional roles." 

Absolutely. And Amy reminded our two teens about our family safety plans going to a protest or any event (concert, sporting event, etc.). Always be aware of what's happening around you. Stay away from the cars driving on the streets. If confrontations happen, move away from them as quickly and safely as possible. Do not go towards them and engage. Listen to and let local law enforcement do their job. Go into a store or any place of business to find refuge. Call 911 if need be. Call us as well.

I've never pretended to ignore what's been happening in America. As citizens and parents, we will speak our truth more frequently because this will not stand. Our democratic republic is being transformed daily and we could spiral into authoritarianism for decades if we don't act. This includes contacting our elected officials, peacefully protesting, voting, and empowering our local communities. Beatrice will be voting for the first time in November and she's excited to exercise that right. So are we. 

Because if we don't act, it does not bode well for our children's future. Hit the streets (and the books), kids. No cap (as the kids would say, or maybe not anymore now that I've said it). 

Keep America Free and Just

What's happening in America has weighed on my heart and my family's, so I wrote an open letter to our federally elected officials that I plan on sending to as many as I can, even to those who don't represent our region and my state. 

There are those Representatives and Senators who do oppose the authoritarian overreach happening in Minneapolis and elsewhere, but it still feels like no one is stopping it. 

And for the safety of all American citizens, stop it we must. Let's keep America free and just. 

***

Dear Representative/Senator [Last Name],

It's with a heavy heart that I'm contacting you. The DHS federal enforcement of immigration policies in the United States of America has become extremely dangerous to undocumented immigrants, legally documented immigrants, and every American citizen. 

Most Americans would agree that we should arrest and prosecute criminals, but it's clear what the federal government is doing goes far beyond that mandate. U.S. citizens are being harassed, pepper sprayed, beaten, and arrested as if they were criminals. It has become a literal fear and shakedown campaign to suppress our 1st amendment rights to gather and protest peacefully. Calling state elected officials and protestors alike domestic terrorists allows the federal government to escalate, arrest U.S. citizens, and unfortunately hurt and/or kill them. Witness accounts (and video proof) of the killings of Renee Good and Alex Pretti contradict that of federal law enforcement, border patrol, and ICE agents. But it's the federal government continues to insist they are enforcing the law and those protesting are violating it. 

This isn't the first time federal law enforcement overreach has jeopardized the safety of American citizens. There's been: The Whiskey Rebellion (1794), Enforcement of the Fugitive Slave Act (1850s), The Pullman Strike (1894), The Bonus Army (1932), Civil Rights & Antiwar Protests (1960s–70s), and Post-9/11 Policing. 

And now this. Throughout our history, there have been times when local communities and local law enforcement have needed the assistance of federal law enforcement, but not today, at least not in the way it's being deployed. We don't need thousands of masked ICE agents terrorizing the streets of America. Families like ours fear that what is happening in Minneapolis is spreading into everyone's neighborhoods, and then none of us will be safe, especially those of us who speak up and out against this authoritarian abuse of power. No more due process for anyone. Just cruelty, fear, and oppression.

Millions of Americans want you to do everything you can to stop these violent actions against our citizens, legal immigrants, and undocumented immigrants, who most are doing what they can to make a better life for themselves and their families. These actions are not making us safer as a nation, just more fearful and unstable.

The United States of America has become unrecognizable. It's time our elected officials recognize this, work together regardless of political ideology, and do something about it. As a U.S. citizen, a husband, and a father of two, I implore you to help end this dystopian madness.

Sincerely,

Kevin Grossman