Because That's The Job

"A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us, 'No'
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming..."

–Disney's Aladdin 

But this isn't a Disney movie. It's just real life raising complex little humans -- now teenagers -- don't blink. The sentiment in the song is how they feel, though, and everything they're experiencing is a whole new world. For them and for us. 

I've been writing about my own personal experiences with parenting and personal leadership for over 15 years, how my own past impacted this journey, and all my learning and growth throughout. My wife Amy and I have mostly lead our lives together, and our parenting, with love and empathy and positive discipline, and of course, practicing social, emotional, and physical safety via Kidpower. Our children have been raised with all this, and for over four years we've had weekly family meetings to check in with each other and review managing emotions, providing support, positive communications, and safety plans.

It doesn't mean with get it all right with them, because we don't, but we're proud of our parenting to date and the closeness we have as a family. Change is constant, however, and now our kids are teens are new experiences are happening all the time for them. Thank goodness nothing close to what Amy and I experienced at 12, 13, and 14 years old (which I'm not telling you or them about). But then again, our kids are now at an age where they're not telling us everything either. Ugh. 

Not only that, they're sometimes embarrassed to be around us, their sarcasm has developed and is no longer their "inside voices," they fight us on doing their chores, they question a lot of what we comment on as adults, they're doing things they're not supposed to without asking us first, they're sometimes lying to us and not telling us everything, and who knows what's next. Thank goodness there's no experimentation with drugs, alcohol, or (God forbid) sex (yet), but school is getting harder and more competitive academically, extracurricularly, socially -- all the ly's -- and the stress has increased exponentially. Plus, the perception of that stress is skewed by a still developing prefrontal cortex, hormonal changes, new life experiences happening every day, and friend group influences happening every day. 

God, it's a wonder that any of us survived adolescence. 

In high school I had a civics teacher who read a passage to us all about how young people today are selfish, misguided, obstinate, sarcastic, emotional, have a lack of respect for their elders, etc. The passage had been written over 2,000 years ago during the Roman Empire. Over 2,000 years later, the point was, it could've been written today (by less forgiving adults).

Again, we're grateful to be so close as a family. That's helped us help our kids deal with new and stressful experiences that could lead to social and emotional struggles if left unchecked, something I went through as a teen that I certainly don't want them to go through. We don't always get it right as their parents, but we've worked hard to provide empathic love, support, and guidance to them -- to help them make good choices in all the choices they'll make more and more on their own each day (and there will be bad ones). Whatever this whole new world of adolescence brings us all, we'll always meet our teens where they're at to help them persevere, overcome, learn, grow, and thrive into adulthood. 

Because that's the job, kids. Happy New Year!

Be Here Now

As we walked to our local farmers’ market, I told my father-in-law about how I think I hurt my right leg recently. “Well, as the expression goes,” I said, “I’m no spring chicken anymore.”

“No, we’re not,” he said.

“It’s the same when Amy pulled her hamstring,” I said. “We just can’t do the same things we used to do. Moving furniture, running, the list goes on.”

He nodded and added, “But I still want to do the things I can do and be here now.”

“Amen,” I said.

Be here now. That rang the old gong in my aged head for the rest of the day. He’s had his own health issues including partial knee replacements. But I still want to do the things I can, he had said. That also rang the gong for some time afterward.

I definitely still want to do the things that I can, but he reality of age and body parts deteriorating is here. Has already been here for years. In August 2014, I had knee surgery due to a torn meniscus and disintegrated cartilage in my right knee. Ugh. This after actually hitting a personal best of a 8.5-minute mile at age 48. Not bad for a big old ex-smoker with two young children. 

Ah, yes. Two young children. The two children we didn't want to have until we did that we're so grateful for. I was 42 when we had our oldest Beatrice. 44 when we had Bryce. My wife Amy is six years younger than me, so she was still in her 30's when she had our daughters. I read that the average age of first-time mothers in America today is now up from 21 to 26, while for fathers, it's increased from 27 to 31, so we both skewed that average. But there are a growing number of people waiting longer to have kids for whatever reason (finances, jobs, changing minds like us, etc.). 

Knowing that I'd be a much older father of two children didn't really bother me until now. Only because of what I outlined above -- my body can't do what it used to do. Even after coaching both girls in soccer for six years that included me running around with the the teams, changing directions quickly, and kicking the soccer balls back and forth. I felt good. I could do it then. Not so much now. 

We have family and friends dealing with debilitating illnesses, paralysis, and more, and so Amy and I are very grateful that we're relatively healthy and are able to keep ourselves in good shape with regular exercise. However, we are more easily injured these days and it takes a lot longer to recuperate. It doesn't change the fact that we live our lives fully, but it does mean we have to be more realistic with what we choose to do and how we do it. 

Which is why we want to remain relatively healthy (as much as we can control) and keep ourselves in good shape for us and our children, now 12 and almost 14 years old. Not just physically healthy, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Those latter two things can break as well and I'll be way north of 60 when they're in their 20's. Which is why we exercise them all regularly. Why we're always pushing ourselves to learn and grow. Why I started drumming at age 56. Why Amy is an avid puzzle person. Why we meditate every day. 

I heard a great quote from Florida Scott-Maxwell, a playwright, author, and psychologist who said:

"You need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality."

It took some time for me, but that's how Amy and I live our lives; we embrace all the things that we've been and done; all the ups and downs and aches and strains and pleasures and pains; we are fierce with reality. Our daughters have benefited from that, will benefit from that, and we hope will live their lives that way in their 20's and beyond, especially after we're both long gone. 

Again, my father-in-law's words keep banging the gong in my head: I still want to do the things I can do and be here now.

Be here now, fierce with reality. Always. 

Not How They Will Wind Up

They found me at the elementary school down the street from our house. We'd been at a senior event only weeks before high school graduation, and I had to leave. Another intense panic attack had come on quickly, and I had felt out-of-my mind stressed out -- scared, hot, sweaty, trapped, ashamed, not being able to breathe, needing to get out. Like that very second. 

And so I left. Said I had to go to the bathroom or something like that. I left and drove around and then went to the elementary school and sat on a bench. Still stressed out, scared, ashamed, full of guilt, and drenched in sweat. 

At the time I couldn't quite grasp the impact of years of perfectionism, of not wanting to disappoint family or friends, of not living up to expectations, of wanting to be the best in whatever I did and willing to lie about it if I wasn't, and of wanting to be liked no matter what. There was also the gulf of not dealing with childhood trauma I had experienced that added to my feelings of inadequacy and shame. It was like I'd wrapped myself in barbed wire and I couldn't break free without shredding myself -- and keeping others at bay. 

From junior high through high school, I armored up year after year with more and more barbed wire by not talking about any of it, of withdrawing more and more into my anxiety, which then triggered more and more frequent panic attacks. So, that day at the elementary school at the end of my senior year, I finally did my best to explain to my parents what had been happening to me, why I felt the way I did, and why I responded how I did. I couldn't articulate all the stress and shame I felt, or why, and it would be at least another 15 years before I truly began to free myself from it all and the shame of it, but I shared what I could.

According to researcher Brené Brown, shame causes people to feel trapped, powerless, and isolated,  and common shame triggers like appearance and body image, sexuality, family, motherhood, parenting, professional identity and work, mental and physical health, aging, religion, speaking out, and surviving trauma.

Trapped, powerless, and isolated. The good news was my parents listened, even if they didn't fully understand. They empathized, especially my mom, because she, like me, had experience a whole lot of screwed up shit in her own life. She was a perfectionist as well, survived trauma, and was full of a boatload of shame. 

My wife and I agreed that going into parenthood we were going to ensure a positive, loving, empathetic, and supportive environment. As we've learned with Kidpower, we want them to be socially, emotionally, and physically safe. We knew we weren't going to get it all right all the time, and we didn't, but we were committed to this journey. Are committed to this journey. 

And while there are physical and emotional changes our daughters are going through now being a tween and teen, the teen brain two-step for one, we also want them to be able to talk to us about anything. Of course there will be things they only feel comfortable talking with their mom about, but no matter what, we want them to feel like they can talk with either of us. 

Every week at our family meetings we discuss:

• Things we're grateful for and what positive things we've noticed about each other 
• Positive communication with each other and others
• Managing our emotions with each other and others
• Providing support to each other and others
• The awareness to understand and share the feelings of others (more empathy) 
• The willingness to be vulnerable with themselves and others and not armor up

The fact is, our girls will have many emotional and psychological adventures to come; the developmental tsunami has only just begun. We want to ensure they wrap themselves in actionable resiliency to mitigate perfectionism, poor self-image, shame, sadness, and anxiety. We want them to be able to talk with us about anything, which is why we're always checking in with them. To the point where we hear "why are you asking me so many questions!" again and again and again.

We'll continue to cover all this with them regularly. These days the weekly meetings do come with giggles, sighs, and eye rolls, but they do listen and participate. Thank goodness, because it took me decades to unravel those barbed-wired defenses learned so long ago. This is not how they will wind up.