And so I left. Said I had to go to the bathroom or something like that. I left and drove around and then went to the elementary school and sat on a bench. Still stressed out, scared, ashamed, full of guilt, and drenched in sweat.
At the time I couldn't quite grasp the impact of years of perfectionism, of not wanting to disappoint family or friends, of not living up to expectations, of wanting to be the best in whatever I did and willing to lie about it if I wasn't, and of wanting to be liked no matter what. There was also the gulf of not dealing with childhood trauma I had experienced that added to my feelings of inadequacy and shame. It was like I'd wrapped myself in barbed wire and I couldn't break free without shredding myself -- and keeping others at bay.
From junior high through high school, I armored up year after year with more and more barbed wire by not talking about any of it, of withdrawing more and more into my anxiety, which then triggered more and more frequent panic attacks. So, that day at the elementary school at the end of my senior year, I finally did my best to explain to my parents what had been happening to me, why I felt the way I did, and why I responded how I did. I couldn't articulate all the stress and shame I felt, or why, and it would be at least another 15 years before I truly began to free myself from it all and the shame of it, but I shared what I could.
According to researcher Brené Brown, shame causes people to feel trapped, powerless, and isolated, and common shame triggers like appearance and body image, sexuality, family, motherhood, parenting, professional identity and work, mental and physical health, aging, religion, speaking out, and surviving trauma.
Trapped, powerless, and isolated. The good news was my parents listened, even if they didn't fully understand. They empathized, especially my mom, because she, like me, had experience a whole lot of screwed up shit in her own life. She was a perfectionist as well, survived trauma, and was full of a boatload of shame.
My wife and I agreed that going into parenthood we were going to ensure a positive, loving, empathetic, and supportive environment. As we've learned with Kidpower, we want them to be socially, emotionally, and physically safe. We knew we weren't going to get it all right all the time, and we didn't, but we were committed to this journey. Are committed to this journey.
And while there are physical and emotional changes our daughters are going through now being a tween and teen, the teen brain two-step for one, we also want them to be able to talk to us about anything. Of course there will be things they only feel comfortable talking with their mom about, but no matter what, we want them to feel like they can talk with either of us.
Every week at our family meetings we discuss:
- Things we're grateful for and what positive things we've noticed about each other
- Positive communication with each other and others
- Managing our emotions with each other and others
- Providing support to each other and others
- The awareness to understand and share the feelings of others (more empathy)
- The willingness to be vulnerable with themselves and others and not armor up
The fact is, our girls will have many emotional and psychological adventures to come; the developmental tsunami has only just begun. We want to ensure they wrap themselves in actionable resiliency to mitigate perfectionism, poor self-image, shame, sadness, and anxiety. We want them to be able to talk with us about anything, which is why we're always checking in with them. To the point where we hear "why are you asking me so many questions!" again and again and again.
We'll continue to cover all this with them regularly. These days the weekly meetings do come with giggles, sighs, and eye rolls, but they do listen and participate. Thank goodness, because it took me decades to unravel those barbed-wired defenses learned so long ago. This is not how they will wind up.
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