The Teen Brain Two-Step

"Now would I say something that wasn't true?
I'm asking you sugar
Would I lie to you?"

—Eurythmics, Would I Lie to You?

I remember teen brain. Oh, do I ever. Although it's funny to say that now decades later when I didn't remember much then about things I did then. Like completely spacing out on things. Or, I just didn't want to remember them because I wasn't supposed to do them, and so I lied about them because I didn't want to get into trouble. Or, because I didn't want to do them when I was supposed to do them, and so I lied about doing them because I didn't want to get into trouble. 

Shall we dance?

Teen brain development goes on for years until at least our mid-twenties based on research I've read. Teen brains are more susceptible to stress, but are more adaptable the resilient that what adults give them credit for, because there is a big learning curve. However, the prefrontal cortex is one of the last brain regions to mature and is responsible for skills like planning, prioritizing, and controlling impulses.

Which is why teen brain can be bonkers at times, like lying about stuff. I do remember lying to my parents, or wanting to lie about something, more than once, what many of us did at that age.

Take for example the time I fell out of a moving truck when I was almost 16. Yes, a moving truck. There were no alcohol or drugs involved, just teen brain stupidity. My friend at the time, who was 16 and had his license, was driving me and another friend around the neighborhood in his truck. We were in the back of the truck sitting on either side of the truck bed. Above the bed actually, sitting up on the sides of the truck with only our hands holding on as we sat. 

So, what did we do then? My friend and I in the back of the truck begin to rock the truck. Because it was fun. We laughed and rocked — until my friend driving began to swerve back and forth. That's when things took a teen brain turn for the worse. 

I flipped over the side of the truck going around 25 miles per hour. My chest hit the moving back tire and I put my hand out to stop my fall. I hit face down on the asphalt and rolled over 10 feet (according to my other friend who didn't fall out). Both friends ran over to me, the one driving extremely apologetic, to see how I was. It was dusk now and we were under a street light. I remember asking how bad it was as I held up my right hand I used to break my fall that was now fat and swollen (and broken I'd find out the next day). 

They both looked at each other and then me again and said, "It's bad."

I remember I said, "Maybe I'll just tell my parents I got in a fight."

The other friend who was in the back of the truck with me shook his head and said, "With the road maybe. No, you know you've never been in a fight, Kevin. They'll know you're lying. You'll have to tell them the truth."

And there it was. So, that time, I didn't end up lying to cover my butt, because it would've made it worse. Weeks later when the road rash across my face, chest, and legs was healed up, and the case on my hand came off, and I wasn't grounded any longer, it was back to teen brain business as usual. 

Hopefully our daughters won't have this kind of literal painful teen brain moment, but the odds are there will be some things in the years to come. Maybe not falling out of the back of a truck something — good God, not that. But we are already experiencing teen brain now, and that includes saying that chores were done, when obviously they were not. 

Compared to falling out of the back of a truck and wanting to lie about it, lying about doing one's chores is pretty mild. But it's still something as parents we have to deal with. My default setting is always to go punitive, to confront the lying and to take allowance money away if the chores weren't done. My wife on the other hand reminds me that teenage brain will double down on the lies when called out. We both had plenty of experience with that when we were their age. 

Instead, we compromised and said the chores had to be done again, which after some protest they were, and in the future would have to be done when we're around to verify they were done. Not that we didn't believe they weren't done, just that we need to verify they got done. 

That's pretty much the same thing as not believing they were done, because they weren't, but that's the teen brain two-step we'll be dancing for the next decade. 

Thank You For Reading

"I don't regret it – I'll never forget it

I wouldn't trade tomorrow for today..."

–Rush, Headlong Flight

When I first jumped into social media in 2007, I joined Myspace. Within 30 minutes of setting up my profile, I was "propositioned." 

That was almost the end right at the beginning. I didn't stay on Myspace, but I did get convinced by old high school friends to give Facebook a try. That was December of 2007, nearly 14 years ago. That was also the year I launched this blog, Get Off The Ground, a year before our first daughter Beatrice was born. 

I had already been on the professional network LinkedIn since January 2005, connecting with others in my industry sharing work-related content. That hasn't really changed since, although unfortunately some LinkedIn users have taken a toxic turn of sharing the same toxic crap we see on Facebook and Twitter (which I had joined in May of 2008). 

Social media has been valuable for many to share positive stories and to inspire others around the world. It's helped family and friends stay in touch with photos and videos. It's also been used to market products and services across industries, as well as to promote jobs and and employer brands (the HR and recruiting space I'm in). 

It also divides and destroys. It fueled COVID-19 and vaccination information, and still does. It fueled election lies and the insurrection on January 6, and still does. It fueled racial hate, and still does. For both adults and teens, bullying also thrives on social media.

You may have watched The Social Dilemma, the documentary from early 2020 that shares the dangerous and addictive destruction that social media has unleashed.

And you may have heard about the recent Wall Street Journal investigation referring to internal Facebook research about how Instagram causes increased levels of anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts in teenage girls.

Because our girls are practically teens now, I want to be more attentive to what I share on social channels. It's usually always positive, what I write and the pictures I share, but now it's time to close this Get Off The Ground chapter and start a new one elsewhere. I will also continue to limit my personal time on the social media, as I've been doing for weeks now, except when it's work-related, or when I'm promoting safety skills with Kidpower. 

Our daughters know that they can come to us any time they see offensive or disturbing stuff online (they play Roblox primarily and watch TikTok and YouTube shows they like). While we'll hold off as long as we can from them having their own social media accounts, we'll want them to be responsible, safe and empathetic when we do so. Just like they are now, and just like we're practicing as adults now, finally, after all these years. 

From my first post on Get Off The Ground to this last post (for now), I've enjoyed sharing my parenting and personal leadership journey with you all.  I'm certainly no expert. I'm just trying to navigate it all like you are. I wouldn't change a thing; I would never trade tomorrow for today. Thank you for reading.

Be safe and well. Blessings to you all. 

One Time -- Two Kids

It's definitely a sea change. That profound transformation from childhood to teenage-land to young adulthood. Those extreme physical, emotional and psychological changes that take place for both boys and girls. Bodies changing to hormones percolating, but not quite raging. Experiencing crushes and first kisses that lead to end-of-world heartaches. Not quite there yet, thank goodness. 

That's especially true about our eldest daughter, Beatrice, and where she is now. However, it wasn't true about my wife Amy and I growing up. We raged early. Maybe too early. Without consistent safety skills or talk of consent either. We did the best we could with what we knew; our parents did the best they could with what they knew. Would we have listened any differently anyway back then? Being told what not to do without much context? 

I don't know. That doesn't matter anymore, though. What matters is the fact that our girls have grown up with safety skills, with Kidpower, with the correct anatomical knowledge of what female and male parts do what and why and when. Of where babies come from, and of what consent means today, and tomorrow, in teenage-land and beyond. 

What matters is now. And while I'm comfortable talking about all these things with our daughters, they are more comfortable talking with Mom about them. That's okay. There are changes females go through that I have never and will never experience. 

Recently Beatrice asked Mom if she had s-e-x with Dad. What ensued was a funny exchange that I'll share below. As loving and intimate partners, we know the answer, and have had to figure out the when and where's over the years, especially the past year with everybody at home much of the time. But it's not something we talk about with our girls. Not until they're at least 40 years old. At least. It's one thing to talk with your kids about physical intimacy and sex, it's quite another to talk about with your kids you the parents having physical intimacy and sex.

Now that Bea's body and mind are changing, she's more aware of the questions that hadn't surfaced until now. Our youngest Bryce is still in the dormancy stage, though. Thank goodness.

So, Beatrice asked the question:

"Mom, do you and Dad have s-e-x?"

Amy paused, collecting her thoughts. Beatrice obviously knew the answer, but wanted to hear what her mom had to say about it. 

"Yes," Amy said.

Another dramatic pause, and then Amy frenetically added, "But only one time."

"Really?"

"Yes."

One time -- two kids. Thank goodness Beatrice doesn't like math.

A Wonderful Thing To Witness

The ripped chip bag rested peacefully on the kitchen counter. Although its usefulness had come to an end, and the remaining potato chips now sat safely in a resealable bag, its demise was a violent one. There wasn't just one random rip down the side of the bag -- there were multiple shreds -- as if ripped apart by sharp talons of a hungry animal. 

"Beatrice, let me show you again how to open up the chip bags," I said to our oldest daughter. 

"It's really hard to open!" Bea exclaimed.

And so it goes. Not only about opening up chip and cereal bags, but also resealing them with clips. 

"Girls, let me show you again how to clip the bags shut," I said to both our girls, holding up a bag of cereal and a clip. "Fold the open end a couple of times and then clip it, like this. That way the stuff inside stays fresh."

"Okay, Dad. We'll do it," they both said.

Which then they don't, half-sealing or leaving open on the table. And so it goes. We keep practicing Positive Discipline, though, and now that our children are flying headlong into teenage-land, there will be constant reminders like these. Over and over and over again. 

The good news is that for the past few years they've received an allowance for doing specific chores each week around the house. And those things they do, with the occasional reminder or two. Sometimes with a serving or two of teen sass as well. 

We're okay with that because we're eons from the days of wiping buts and noses. We do miss those days of their childhood (but not really the wiping buts part), especially when our phones pop up photo memories from years past. But mercy me -- Beatrice is cooking now! And both our daughters are transforming into responsible and accountable human beings, finding their individuality and independence with eyes of love and empathy. 

Recently after the bitter freezing cold weather that stretched all the way down into Texas, Beatrice announced she wanted to do something. She announced this at the end of one of our weekly family meetings. 

"I want to give to Texas," said Beatrice.

"You do?" I said.

"Yes, because of the water and power problems. People need help," she said.

"Do you both want to donate your allowance 'give' money you saved?" said their mom, Amy.

"Yes," Bea and Bryce said. 

"Then we'll match it," said Amy.

Another big milestone arrived recently as well -- one that involves a developing independence. The girls have spent more and more time alone at home by themselves when Amy and I are going for a walk or a hike or running errands. However, this latest milestone was a different kind of alone, one involving venturing into the world without Mom and Dad. Every Saturday there is a farmers' market across the street from us. It's the beginning of a highway actually, but there is a four-way stoplight at the intersection with "walk - don't walk" signals. 

The girls really wanted to go by themselves and get some yummy treats. We agreed and then reviewed our safety plans about crossing the street. We also reviewed our Kidpower safety about being on their own and being calm, confident and aware about everything and every person around them as they walked to the farmers' market and back again. We gave them some money and reminded them to buy us carrots with the greens so our rabbit could eat the greens. 

Off they went. "Should we follow them?" I asked Amy. 

"No, let them go. They'll be okay," she said. 

The girls don't have phones yet, although that will change this year as they start doing more things on their own, and as they finally get to go back to in-person school (Bea will be in 7th grade and Bryce in 5th in the fall!). And while they struggle with opening and closing chip and cereal bags, among other things that we as adults take for granted (and can also still struggle with), their path to independence is a wonderful thing to witness and an honor to be a part of.