The Hopeful Drive of Togetherness and Play

I remember when she said she'd score a goal this time. It was our second-to-last game during the last year I had coached recreational soccer in 2018. Our youngest daughter Bryce was on the team and she was confidently clear -- she would score a goal and the team would play well together. 

I also remember thinking, Would either of our girls will play soccer again next year? Will I ever coach again? No matter what, we're all going to finish out this year strong as a team, tears and all. Winning is great, the competitive side of me knows that all too painfully well. But in the end, it is how you play the game. Not how it plays you. 

Then that game started and something was different. The girls played better. They ran harder, went to the ball instead of waiting for it, controlled the ball, passed the ball – and they scored. A lot. After being pummeled all season, we actually won this game. Six goals to the other team's two. And one of those was Bryce's goal. She made it happen. They all made it happen. We subbed players in and out and coached them along the way, but this, this was all them.

And they knew it. They felt it. They lived it. They loved it. They had fun doing it, which was key. They celebrated every moment of it in every moment of it. That's the stuff we wanted them to encase in their still-growing hearts, the making it happen and making it their own, to access this playful confidence as needed throughout their lives.

Because we need it now more than ever, kids and adults alike. The year after that, both our daughters played, but I didn't coach. I was too busy at work and I traveled a lot in 2019. While I enjoyed my work travel, and my the work I did (and still do), I missed coaching Beatrice and Bryce and their teammates. 

Neither one played in 2020 due to the pandemic. Rec soccer wasn't available anyway, at least not the full regular seasons of the past. They did run a social distanced and masked practice clinic of sorts, but our girls didn't want to do that. They did both missed soccer, however; they've mentioned it multiple times during the past two years. They missed the friendships, the team building and the fun mostly. So did I.

This year I knew my work travel would be limited, so I decided to volunteer to coach again. Bryce wanted to play again as well, so I'll coach her U12 team of 11-year-old girls this fall. Our oldest Beatrice decided she wanted to be my assistant coach and give me a hand, and that made me smile. 

When I went to this year's coaches meeting to kick things off, the new local soccer club leaders were excited so many of us were volunteering to coach after such a difficult year and a half. The rec soccer coordinator walked us through everything we needed to know for the year. He had played both recreational soccer and competitive soccer in his formative years, and then played competitively in college. 

He talked about a specific a new methodology of play called Play-Practice-Play, developed by the U.S. Soccer Federation's Grassroots initiatives. It was a methodology I didn't learn when I volunteered to coach for four years from 2015 to 2018.  

According to what he shared and the U.S. Federation website: 

Play-Practice-Play is a Grassroots developed philosophy designed around a player-centered approach to coaching. Taking a player centered approach places the needs and motivations of the player at the forefront of a coach’s approach to coaching his or her players. The concept of Play-Practice-Play is to allow young players to experience the game and game-like situations as much as possible. This approach differs from traditional practices that may have children standing in lines, running laps and participating in drills that don’t resemble the game of soccer.

And that's when it hit me -- my personal philosophy of coaching in the first place was around teaching skills, team-building and having fun. And all of these things, especially the fun, comes from the play. That's why the favorite part of practices were the scrimmages, the playing. Every single time one of my teams played their hearts out -- win, lose or tie -- they were playing within all the multi-faceted meanings of the word. 

They knew it. They felt it. They lived it. They loved it. They celebrated every moment of it in every moment of it individually and together. It was all them; I just helped facilitate it.

So, Coach Kevin is going to give it a go again this year. Our sponsor is appropriately Kidpower, and at a time when too many adults feel less than inspirational, or inspired themselves, including myself, I look forward to the hopeful drive of togetherness and play. 

Their Love of Learning

"All right -- rapid fire questions, girls. What are you the most stressed about going back to school this year. Bryce, go."

Our youngest daughter, Bryce, didn't hesitate. "Not knowing who my teacher will be and who will be in my class."

"I know," I said. "You'll know the night before, though." 

Bryce nodded. 

"Beatrice, go."

Our oldest daughter, Beatrice, jumped right in. "Remembering my locker number and getting lost on campus." 

Those weren't new to her. Early in the pandemic, before we had to end up distance learning for over a year, she was stressed about going to 6th grade in middle school and having to use a locker. Now, going into 7th grade, she will, which is why I'm going down to the hardware store to buy her a combination lock to practice on.

"Okay. What about what you're looking forward to the most? Bryce, go."

"I'm looking forward to learning again," Bryce said. "And seeing my friends." 

Love that girl. "Nice. Beatrice, go."

"I'm looking forward to seeing my friends and meeting new people and taking art," she said. "I hope I get into that."

"I know, me too," I said.

"And I'm looking forward to learning again, too," she added.

Love these girls. I had taken them out to lunch after they helped me take our trailer camper to get a check up. They both have the hooking up and the parking the camper down. 

School is about to start again, and they're both going back five days a week. Earlier in spring, Bryce had gone back in person five days a week, and Beatrice when back two days a week. We were all grateful for this and are all grateful again for a new school year. Grateful for the teachers and the school districts encouraging vaccinations and requiring masks indoors.

The girls didn't end up saying a word about having to wear masks again indoors at school. They both went to summer camp and summer school and mask safety protocols were in place then as well. Social distancing became a wash, though, because keeping kids and adults alike to stay six feet apart was never easy. Non-existent most of the time. 

We've never had vaccination fears over the years, and all of us are now vaccinated, except for Bryce. And because of that, we continue to have her wear a mask indoors when we're all out together, especially where required. The Delta variant is super contagious and spreading fast -- and child infections are on the rise. Over 4 million children have had covid since the pandemic began and now more young unvaccinated people are getting sicker with the virus. 

Even for those who are vaccinated, wearing masks continue to help prevent the transmission of the COVID-19 virus. Infectious disease and healthcare professionals know a lot more about the virus now and the science facts are clear. The percentage of those who have extreme adverse side effects is quite low (less than 1%) compared to the prevention benefits of keeping people out of the hospital. Simultaneously the misinformation and myths about vaccinations and wearing masks continue to divide and confuse. The battle between personal freedoms, fear of stigmatization and shame, and health and safety is so lost on me now more than ever. I'm tired of the argument. Tired of the pandemic. Tired of wearing masks.

However, health and safety will always win in our family, so we will do what we have to do to stay healthy and safe. And as soon as the vaccination is available for Bryce, she's getting the shot. We'll all wear masks when needed and if mandated in the meantime. Here are some quick reminders about mask myths and realities for us all (from healthychildren.org):

Can wearing a mask make it harder for my child to breathe?

No, masks are made from breathable materials that will not block the oxygen your child needs. Masks will not affect your child's ability to focus or learn in school. The vast majority of children age 2 or older can safely wear face masks for extended periods of time, such as the school day or at child care. This includes children with many medical conditions.

Can masks interfere with a child's lung development?

No, wearing a face mask will not affect your child's lungs from developing normally. This is because oxygen flows through and around the mask, while blocking the spray of spit and respiratory droplets that may contain the virus. Keeping your child's lungs healthy is important, which includes preventing infections like COVID-19.

Do masks trap the carbon dioxide that we normally breathe out?

No. There have been false reports that face masks can lead to carbon dioxide poisoning (known as hypercapnia) from re-breathing the air we normally breathe out. But this is not true. In fact, surgeons wear tight fitting masks all day as part of their jobs, without any harm.

Can masks lead to a weaker immune system by putting the body under stress?

No. Wearing a face mask does not weaken your immune system or increase your chances of getting sick if exposed to the COVID-19 virus. Wearing a mask, even if you do not have symptoms of COVID-19, helps prevent the virus from spreading.

For parents who are concerned about their kids going back to school, who may have to deal with bullying and harassment due to wearing or not wearing masks, getting vaccinated or not, or just the fact of being back to school again in person with all the human challenges of being all together again, Kidpower has great resources and workshops for parents and kids to stay safe and healthy. 

It's hard enough growing up and it's now gotten a lot harder because of the ongoing pandemic. Too many adults in charge continue to downplay verified health science, and instead, promote myths, fear and shame about vaccines and wearing masks that put us all at risk. And our children today are the most at risk to this preventable insanity. 

When I reflect on the earlier conversation I had with our daughters about going back to school, their love of learning was a clear priority. Nothing about covid -- the worst fear being remembering a locker combination. Just their love of learning, seeing their old friends and meeting new friends are what's top of mind for them. That's a back-to-school lesson for us all. 

Surfing the Toxic Afterglow

We agreed that Facebook is too much a cesspool of toxic aggression. A place where it’s all too easy to say whatever the hell you want because you want to, share whatever the hell you want because you want to, fact-based or not. Usually not unfortunately. This includes political aggression, religious aggression, racist aggression, sexist aggression – so much aggression. 

You are wrong and I am right; the posted toxicity leads to an escalated pile-on of aggression on one either side, or both usually. Too many individuals, groups and organizations also use the platform to misinform and divide for whatever nefarious ulterior motives they have.

We also marginalize those we don’t agree with online, those who we think are ignorant and uninformed, those we don’t know very well or want to take the time to understand, those who we thought we knew well and didn't. This all leads to shock, disgust, frustration and further aggression. Or blocking or unfriending (which I’ve done). Or just quitting Facebook altogether (which I’ve been tempted to do more than once). 

Even when we’re trying to change the hearts and minds of others we feel are out of their friggin’ minds with well-measured rational and positive affirmations, that can still lead to aggressive pile-ons that change no hearts and no minds. 

And even when we try to counter all of the above with family-and-friend friendly pictures and posts, and/or socially safe memes, and/or neutral work-related promotional posts, they may only help to diffuse the toxic aggression temporarily. Because there’s also another dumpster fire ready to start somewhere (I'm guilty as charged for starting some of those). 

This was a conversation I had with a dear old friend I hadn’t seen since pre-covid. We were in person for the first time in a long time, visiting with some of my family we also hadn't seen since pre-covid. The added stress of separation, no matter how differently we all see the world, was further poisoned by one of the very platforms that was supposed to help keep us all connected during this pandemic. 

None of this is new either; the nasty social network rhetoric has only escalated since I was first on Facebook back in 2008. And these are people we all know in some capacity – no anonymity here. With anonymity, it's so much worse and such an extreme health and safety problem with bullying and threats of rape and death. 

We keep hearing our daughter’s voices in our heads, “Why don’t you just get off this Facebook thing, Mom and Dad. It just makes you mad.”

And they're right. We don’t want either of our daughters to be on any of these kinds of social networks where they have to trudge through the radioactive waste of everybody else’s nuclear thought bombs. That’s another problem as well, the glow of this nasty sludge never goes away. Others can find it and see it – prospective employers, for example. Or, places where you might want to volunteer at. Or, where you might want to go to college. And the list goes on. 

My wife Amy doesn't spend a lot of time on Facebook anymore. She mostly just likes to numb her mind and surf through it, looking for positive posts and funnies that make her laugh, and now mostly steers clear of the fires. She tells me she doesn't want me to quit Facebook because of these GOTG posts I share, and I'm the family photo Dad posting pics she can share and comment on! 

We didn't grow up with any mobile devices or online social networks. Thank God for that. However, both our girls have grown up with devices and the internet and are quite comfortable playing innocuous and cute kid apps and games for now (which we monitor and check-in on often). 

But we don't really monitor and check-in often on ourselves when online. What was supposed to be the positive aspect of the internet and platforms like Facebook – the ability to connect with anyone, anywhere, at any time and to share positive life stories, important (and true) news that affects us all, pictures and videos to loved ones we can't see in person and other important life events, has really just gone to hell.

We've learned things about each other that we never really wanted to know, complicating further the tenuous relationships we may have already had. Thankfully many of us walk away before escalation, but too many of us still don't. Instead, we release our inner Kraken and don't check ourselves, or each other, repeatedly marginalizing each other with nuclear slight bombs. And then afterwards, we're caught happily surfing the toxic afterglow, awash in wave after wave of negative biases and -isms. 

Our kids are right – we really should get off this Facebook thing. Ugh. 

Probably Together Forever

"I don't like that you and Dad keep fighting," Beatrice said. 

Our oldest daughter stood there looking very concerned. If our youngest, Bryce, felt concerned as well, she didn't show it or say anything. She doesn't like conflict anyway; she usually makes herself small and withdrawals. 

"We're not fighting," my wife Amy said.

"Beatrice, we don't always agree, but we're not fighting," I said. 

"Yes, you are," Bea said.

"No, honey, we're not."

In reality there have only been a handful of times over 24 years together that Amy and I have really fought unhappily. Even having to leave the house to cool off. A couple of those times were in front of the girls. However, upwards of 40%-50% of marriages end in divorce, and the odds are, and have been, that our daughters will have friends whose parents split up. Temporarily or permanently. 

It's not something that they were aware of, or articulated, at younger ages. But now they're both painfully aware of parents who split up, whether that be from friends or family. They also know that I was married once before. When they first learned that years ago, Beatrice riddled me with questions. In fact, my parents were divorced and Amy's were, too. 

Amy wasn't married before, and from our first meeting to today, she's been the catalyst that keeps the priority of our love intact, and our willingness to do the work. It's not that I haven't made it a priority. I have. But I've also struggled a lot more with my past continuously affecting my present. The good news -- I don't think that I've ever been more psychologically and emotionally in place than today.

Of course there are reasons why people shouldn't stay together. If there is physical or emotional abuse for either person, safety should be the highest priority. My mother divorced twice due to excessive abuse at the hands of her spouse. And if someone is continuously unhappy, or both, for whatever reason, then that could be another reason for splitting up. 

Amy and I have always done the relationship work. The open and honest communication. The criticality of intimacy. The interconnections that come from compromise. The boundary setting with each other and others. The emotional and psychological investment in each other and in ourselves. The not going to bed angry. We've both committed to doing the work and we want to do the work. It's also work that's never-ending (which is why we love Brené Brown's work so much). It's not really hard work when you're all in, but is it never-ending. 

Also, when you're with someone for any length of time, again 24 years for us, there's a comfort in how well you know each other. There are a million inside jokes and catch phrases we've shared over the years that still bring a smile or a laugh. There's also a teasing banter we've developed over the years with one another that can sound like we're unhappy when we're really not. And when that overlaps into disagreements about any topic, the girls may misinterpret what's happening. 

We continue to impart on our daughters what it takes to keep a relationship thriving, when both people want it to thrive. We impart on them that disagreements are important to healthy relationships; we each have our own minds and spirits. Just like the line from our marriage vows and one of my favorite Rush songs The Speed of Love -- "where two halves make two wholes."

We are hopeful romantics who do the work. We also know that absolutes aren't realistic -- we will be together forever, for example. We'll be together as long as we both do the relationship work. Also, in the same spirit of jest we have with one another, when Beatrice asks if we're going to be together forever, we tell her -- probably together forever. She smirks at this. Hopefully one day they'll both find what we've found together. And in sense, within our own family love, they already have.

Epilogue

"I always see you guys kiss after you tease each other," said Bryce. "That's loving."

The Greatest Reward of All

Watching his grown daughter congratulate him for all his hard work and success, and thank him for pushing her to always do her best, to being such a positive supporter of her life and life choices, made me think of what that might look like someday with our own daughters. 

One of my dear friends from high school recently retired. At least, from the career he had for decades at the same company, which isn't as common as it used to be, not with average tenures, even with promotions, being much shorter. 

This friend listened to me provided with with supportive counsel during some very dark times my senior year in high school. He's one of a handful of people who have kept our collective friendships going for over 40 years. The last time we were all together was early 2020, pre-covid, and I couldn't wait to see them all when we were invited to his retirement party with his family and colleagues. We've put the work in to sustain and grow our friendships over the years, so it was a pleasure to be with most of them again. 

Listening to his daughter speak about her father gladdened by heart. My wife Amy sat next to me and I thought about how we've put the work into our relationship. How we've been loving and supportive of each others ups (and downs), of our careers and life choices, of how we manage our emotions and positive communication every day and encourage our daughters to do the same. How we're positive supporters of their lives and life choices. We're still the parents, and they're still the children, with us imparting parental guidance and positive discipline when necessary; we want them to ultimately live their best lives as adults. 

Because we live our best lives every single day, and even when self-doubt creeps in, as it has for me lately, we choose empathy and love over cynicism and self-criticism in our personal and professional lives. Because for us, the professional and personal are inextricably linked. 

And the reality is that things don't always go as we've planned. Like programs I've developed for the organization I run that I was so sure about that just didn't take off. Personal writings that I share each week that I feel just don't resonate with anyone. The cynicism and self-criticism creeps in. That's what I've been struggling with lately. 

But I still put in the work to work through it because the work never ends. There's a new song from the band Twenty One Pilots that I love called Mulberry Street. There's a lyric in it that goes "keep your bliss, there's nothing wrong with this, we just want to feel it all." That truly hits the mark for me these days. 

Feeling failure on any level isn't an endgame; how it's perceived and processed inside is what can bring a new framing. One that should lead to looking at the why upside-down and then trying again right-side up. That's part of doing the work; there's nothing wrong with feeling this way or that. As long as you feel it all and enrich yourself with what's next. 

Keep your bliss, there's nothing wrong with this, we just want to feel it all.

Someday when our daughters are grown they will congratulate us for doing the work, keeping our bliss and for empowering them to do the same, and that legacy will be the greatest reward of all. 

Forging Life Paths

When she was 3, we had no idea what would come from her developmental delays. Now that she's nearly 13, we're so grateful for how much she's thrived. And she's only just begun. Our oldest, Beatrice, will be going into 7th grade this fall. Mercy me -- 7th grade. After a year and a half of pandemic and mostly distance learning, except for the last two months of the school year, she did well. And for someone who dislikes math so much, she did really well. We made a big deal out of that. She, however, did not. 

Reading isn't a favorite of hers either, but graphic novels have found a home in her heart and her mind. One of her favorite authors/artists is Raina Telgemeier who wrote Smile, Guts, Drama, different iterations of The Babysitters Club (based on the novels by Ann M. Martin). Not just reading them either; she's working on multiple stories herself. She's writing her own story lines, developing characters, drawing her characters and story lines, giving them depth and back stories. She runs her stories by her mom and I, and we give her feedback and ask her questions, which helps her think through them even more. 

When our youngest Bryce was 3, she didn't have the same delays her sister had. She thrived in school from the very beginning, with math and reading being some of her favorite subjects. Science, too. It wasn't too long ago when we took the girls to the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, and Bryce was convinced she wanted to be an astronaut. Today we watched the Virgin Galactic space flight, and while Bryce has moved onto an interest in marine biology and the ocean, another unexplored space itself, I can see how she watched the Virgin Galactic livestream with curious intensity.

Bryce will be going into 5th grade this fall. Mercy me -- 5th grade. Bryce also survived the distance learning and unlike her sister is an avid reader. She loves chapter books (and graphic novels, too), and some of her current favorites are The Mysterious Benedict Society series (which I read to her at night; never gets old to read to your children), Wings and Fire series (just like my love of fantasy when I was their ages), The Magic Treehouse series, and others, as well as reading marine biology books for kids. 

Besides academics and reading, we're also so proud of how both girls have developed socially. They are good friends themselves, treating each other with empathy and respect, looking out for each other. They treat their friends the same, both sharing mutual friends and having each their own. This summer they've both gone to a daily summer camp and are now in summer school (which they both enjoy, but Bea says it's too much like school-school). They've gotten to know some of their current schoolmates better (since they weren't in person for over a year) and have also met new friends. 

They are also fiercely independent, as much as you can be when you're almost 11 and 13, and we continue to help them practice boundary setting and find their voices. Each week at our family meetings we discuss managing our emotions, providing positive support and engaging in positive communication with each other and others in our lives. 

And now Beatrice is developing her mentoring and leadership skills by wanting to work with younger kids. She's already helped as a junior leader in different after-school programs like Kids in Nature, and next year she wants to be a junior leader at the summer camp both girls attended this summer. Soon she'll help out with the little kids at another day camp a friend of ours is running. Babysitting is right around the corner too and she's already putting the word out she wants to start practicing. We're sure Bryce's leadership development isn't too far behind.

As their parents, we don't always get the leading with eyes of love right, and we're blinded by our own flash floods of bias and fear. We know the world is full of precarious canyons and cliffs, and yet, they are forging life paths for themselves with compassion and empathy we could have never imagined for ourselves when we were their age. We're so proud of them both. 

The Future of Freedom

I remember my childhood on the 4th of July: running around with my cousins in my grandparents' backyard, the summer heat beating down on us while we ate hamburgers and hot dogs, homemade ice cream and watermelon. I felt free without a care in the world. Even with the personal troubles we had at home growing up, those moments with the bigger family represented freedom and safety to me. 

Over the years I got to know this idea, America, more and more. Land of the free and home of the brave, where all men were created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. 

At least, that's what we were taught. In school, we were taught the sanitized version of America, and at the time I didn't know any better. However, growing up with Schoolhouse Rock did help cement the why of America and gave me a civics background in song that was more memorable than any civics class I had from grade school to high school. How I loved the Constitution Preamble episode (those of you from our generation can sing along!).

When I was in college, and then after college, I started studying history, the real history of this country, and how we weren't all created or treated equal. Not by a long shot. Indigenous people, people of color, women, gay people, and so many more segments of our country's population were marginalized, discriminated against and worse. It took nearly 200 years after the Declaration of Independence for the Civil Rights Act of 1964 to be passed, which prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion, sex or national origin. 

There's a great new show on Netflix called We the People. It's kind of like Schoolhouse Rock meets 2021, with today's musical artists composing and singing the songs. So far there have been two episodes: the first one is about how we the people can affect positive change in our country, and the second is about the Bill of Rights. We can't wait to watch the rest with our girls!

As I was thinking about this 4th of July and how my wife Amy and I continue to feel about learning America's history, the real history, and how we want our daughters to do the same, I scanned old July 4th photos on my phone. I found a cute one from six years ago with Beatrice and Bryce holding flags and dressed in old-timey clothes from 100 years ago. 

Pre-covid, Amy and I loved taking the girls Wilder Ranch State Park and celebrate an old-fashioned 4th of July. The park staff and other volunteers would also reenact a women's suffrage parade, complete with signs calling for the right of women to vote in elections. That's an important part of history for our girls to understand and to ensure it doesn't disappear. 

We love this country. Its ideals have empowered many a positive change for all kinds people, here and abroad, and we're grateful for those who have fought for those ideals. It's taken hundreds of years to get here, and we've still got a lot long ways to go in America, and go the distance we will. Because the future of freedom is always at stake.