Before We Wreck It All to Hell

"You're an idiot!"

That's Beatrice. She's the big sister both in age and in size. Especially in size. 

"Stop it!"

That's Bryce. She's the little sister. She's about a foot and a half shorter than Beatrice. They're only two years apart, but when they stand side by side, you'd think it was a much greater age difference.

It's then that Bryce lunges at Beatrice and hits her on the arm. Or on the back. Or on the leg. Or on the head.

Multiple things are happening here at once; the physics of sibling actions and reactions. One moment they're playing cooperatively and all friendly like, which thankfully is most of the moments to date, but then the next moment they're antagonizing each other, going at each other's throats. The oldest can goad her younger sister to spark confrontation and then the youngest is much more physical in her response. 

Strike and retaliation and counter-strike. Again, not unusual for siblings. With positive discipline and  Kidpower in play, we approach as follows:

• First we sportscast: "It looks like you have trouble solving your problem and you need help."
• Then we encourage them to set clear boundaries without painful retaliation: "Beatrice, you were experimenting with your power but were being unsafe with your words. And Bryce, good job setting your boundary, but make sure to use your trash can and just throw those words away without hitting back."
• Then we encourage them to play something else: "It looks like you both aren't playing the same game so maybe you should both do something different."
• Then lastly: "Can you check in with each other please?"

That last part helps them expand their empathy by ensuring each other are okay both physically and emotionally. 

"Are you okay, Beatrice?"

"Yes. Are you okay, Bryce?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

I know what you're thinking: That's nice, but sometimes you gotta be firmer than that. That's where I still gravitate sometimes; it's tough to rise above canceling out a negative with an even stronger negative.

But even I've come a long way from my childhood and I know how it works. I see how it works. The Mama sees how it works and helps to teach us all. And yet, we do have to be firmer sometimes when the girls are way out of bounds. We get mad and yell. We're human. It happens.

When it happens in the confines of home we can learn and grow from it and use our trash cans and throw all that crap away.

Except when it comes from outside the home and that crap is online. When it arises from simply being different and being made fun of, or for making a mistake that you end up paying for over and over and over again.

When "you're an idiot" becomes a painful brand inflicted continuously by legions of cyberbullies and haters. And it's even worse when you're a woman. I read a recent rare interview via The Guardian with Monica Lewinsky, the woman who had an affair with then President Bill Clinton back in the late 1990's. Of course I'm not condoning the what happened between them, and when I imagine it being one of my daughters, I'm sure one of my first thoughts would be you're an idiot.

But then we'd be there for her to help her work through it all and to help her heal and move on. That's no easy trick today considering how much abuse individuals much less iconic than Monica have to put up with online. From the fallout and abuse she still receives today, from both men and women, she's now a respected and perceptive anti-bullying advocate. In fact, she helps out many different organizations including Bystander Revolution, a site that offers video advice on what to do if you’re afraid to go to school, or if you’re a victim of cyberbullying.

The writer of the above article pointed out something that as a parent of girls cuts me to the core:

"I noticed something similar during my two years interviewing publicly shamed people. When a man is shamed, it’s usually, 'I’m going to get you fired.' When a woman is shamed it’s, 'I’m going to rape you and get you fired.'"

I'm going to rape you and get you fired. Jesus H. Christ. It's not enough just to bully the individual, because when it's a woman, you're going to throw in a violent crime to raise the hater power stakes. 

When it comes to our children and teens, this is where we must start educating on what cyberbullying is and the harm it causes to all of us. Kidpower, the global nonprofit leader in personal safety and violence prevention education, has some great tips on how to do just that including asking kids who are actively using technology for communication what they already know about cyberbullying. They usually have a lot of information and strong ideas. Ask if this has ever happened to them or anyone they know. Make sure that the young people in your life know that:

• Cyber-bullying means using computers, mobile phones, or other technology to hurt, scare, or embarrass other people. Cyber-bullying gets people in serious trouble at school and also with the law. In a growing number of places, certain forms of cyber-bullying are illegal.
• Being mean is being mean, no matter how you do it. Don’t ask if it’s funny. Ask if it will make someone unhappy.
• Even if you think someone was mean to you, being mean back is not a safe way to handle the problem. Instead, get help from an adult you trust.
• Have the courage to speak up if you notice anyone cyber-bullying. Say that this is wrong and that you are not going to keep it a secret.
• Use privacy settings, but never post anything in social medial or send anything out electronically that you don’t want the world to see.
• If you get an upsetting message or see something that is attacking you: Do not reply. Do not delete. Save the message, get a screen shot, print it if you can and get help from an adult you trust. If one adult does not help you, keep asking until you get the help you need.

Again from the above article: Lewinsky has advice for bystanders, too: “Don’t bully the bully. It doesn’t move the conversation forward. I see bullying as similar to cutting. People who cut are trying to localise their pain. I think with bullying, people are suffering for myriad reasons and are projecting it. Instead of cutting themselves, they’re cutting someone else.”

That's positive and quite progressive, something I'd struggle with being the father of a victim of so much visceral hate. Just as I wrote earlier this year about hateful online trolling and the site called Yik Yak, Kidpower also offers up another eight important skills on how to face bullying with confidence.

Skill #2, which is all about "leaving in a powerful, positive way," recommends that the best self-defense tactic is called "target denial." In other words, "don’t be there." Or as I like to call it -- change the channel, kids. Turn the channel and don't give "them" any more power than they already have. I do it all the time, especially online. This doesn't mean I wouldn't face an oppressor and stand up for myself, and there are many options and flavors of defensive responses including physical self-defense if ever needed.

That's really tough advice to give, I know. I'm still conflicted because I'll defend our girls no matter what -- both the Mama and I will -- and we want them to do the same for themselves. And in the same breath of me saying "turn the channel" I sometimes want to say "smack them back."

But instead of a world where victims and haters refer to each other as idiots, regardless of how much we want to believe otherwise about the latter, we should do a lot more checking in with one another before we wreck it all to hell. Because if we're not playing the same game, then for goodness sake do something else. 

Like read a book. Adopt a pet. Plant a garden. Go for a walk. Don't be an idiot. 

Please support Team Kidpower in The Human Race!

Support Team Kidpower at The Human Race

Many of you know the Mama (my wife) is a certified instructor for Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, known as Kidpower for short, and I'm a big supporter of the organization as well.

Kidpower is a global nonprofit leader in personal safety and violence prevention education. Instead of using fear to teach about violence prevention, the Kidpower Method makes it fun to learn to be safe, building habits that can increase the safety of young people and adults alike and that can last a lifetime.

Our family is now part of team Kidpower in this year's Human Race Walkathon & Fun Run, raising funds to help make our community a stronger, safer, more vibrant place to be.

The Human Race has been helping nonprofits fundraise together for over 35 years, giving an opportunity for Santa Cruz County nonprofits, individuals and groups to fundraise for local programs. 

The 2016 Human Race takes place on Saturday, May 7, 2016. Registration starts at 8 a.m. The run begins at 9:00 a.m., and the walk immediately after. Online giving goes through May 7, 2016.    

My Kidpower team goal is only $500 and I hope you will help me reach it (which you can do below).

Let's all rise up and create healthy realities for our families and communities!

You can also find recent Kid Power articles below and my interview with Irene van der Zande, Executive Director and Founder of Kidpower:

• #2 Reach West Radio - Empowering Every Person’s Well-Being
• Let's All Rise Up And Create Healthy Realities
• The Calm Down Power of Dragon School Rules
• The Haters of Happy Should Never Be Second Best
• A Jukebox of Our Sweeter Past

Let's All Rise Up And Create Healthy Realities

“How can you expect a child to understand the sickness of a world whose eyes are blind? The dying man inside this little boy is questioning his once upon a time…”

—Toy Matinee, There Was A Little Boy

And on the morning that Jesus haunts, our girls awakened to stuffed bunnies and plastic eggs filled with jelly beans. They arose still innocent and full of hope, living in the safety of loving parents and a larger community whose social fabric is still fairly intact.

The day before Easter I took our girls downtown to go grocery shopping and then to get a "treat" at our favorite local candy and ice shop called Marini's.

As we passed locals and Spring break tourists shopping, eating and taking in the sights, I was again reminded that Santa Cruz has always been a progressive city and a defender destination of those less fortunate -- runaways and homeless that include aggressive panhandlers, many of them either mentally ill, drug addicts or both.

This time I was extremely conscious not of the older homeless on Pacific Avenue, but those younger kids, the teenagers with hollow eyes and shallow smiles selling homemade jewelry and other various items, or simply asking for money with poorly handwritten signs.

As we passed the female teens, most likely runaways from broken homes due to abuse of some kind (upwards of 75% of runaways are female), my heart cried out for them. I held my girls hands tighter, thinking to myself that no matter what, this wasn't going to be them. That no matter how much the world shakes things up around us, the Mama and I would always be there to protect and guide our girls.

Amen. Much of what follows I wrote last year, but sadly this is an ongoing problem too many children and teens face every day, their hope of Springtime faded like pastel watercolors washed out in the rain.

Admittedly I've never been fond of Easter. It was always an emotionally conflicted holiday for me. The spirit of Spring renewal, and for those of us raised with Christianity and learning of Christ's ascension from the grave, always gave me elusive hope that I too could overcome anything life put in my path.

For decades I felt helpless, the healing from abusive relationship after relationship just as elusive, and then channeling my impotent rage into depression and unhealthy relationships as an young adult.

My mother and sister here the only support network back then, but they were just as damaged at the time, if not more so than me. Unfortunately too many other family and friends didn't want to know and/or acknowledge what was happening. And we didn't have the skills to ask for help either.

Decades later the Mama and I went from not wanting children at all to changing our minds happily and having two lovely little girls. We knew we were "all in" and would do everything we had to do to protect and empower them while ensuring and sustaining only a healthy network of relationships around us all.

Sadly, the statistics say otherwise for too many others. A report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds — 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18. And that's only what's reported. Statistically speaking, child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.

This combined with having children of our own is why I've been a domestic violence and child abuse awareness advocate for years, and why the Mama is now a certified instructor for Kidpower headquartered here in Santa Cruz.

Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, known as Kidpower for short, is a global nonprofit leader in personal safety and violence prevention education. Instead of using fear to teach about violence prevention, the Kidpower Method makes it fun to learn to be safe, building habits that can increase the safety of young people and adults alike and that can last a lifetime.

Since April will again be Child Abuse Prevention Month, I wanted to again share four recommendations from Kidpower on how awareness, action, and skills can keep our precious children and teens safe from most abuse, most bullying, and most other violence, most of the time:

1. Making SURE kids know you care. Discuss the Kidpower Protection Promise with every young person in your life who you are in a position to help. Tell them, “You are VERY important to me. If you have a safety problem, I want to know. Even if I seem too busy. Even if someone we care about will be upset. Even if you made a mistake. Please tell me and I will do everything in my power to help you.” Ask them occasionally, “Is there anything you have been wondering or worrying about that you have not told me.” Listen with compassion to their answers, avoiding the temptation to joke or lecture.
2. Not letting discomfort get in the way of safety. Decide to make the Kidpower Put Safety First Commitment: “I WILL put the safety and well-being of young people ahead of anyone’s embarrassment, inconvenience, or offense.”  The fear of upsetting or bothering someone can make it hard to speak up – and breaking the silence is at the foundation of stopping sexual abuse. Don’t automatically trust people or places because they are familiar to you, have a great reputation, do nice things for kids, are in positions of authority, or seem wonderful. Make sure that their behavior and values are consistently Worthy of Trust.
3. Supporting young people in developing healthy boundaries and strong relationships. Teach kids positive communication skills. Uphold the Kidpower rule that touch, games, or play for fun or affection should be the choice of each person, safe, allowed by the adults in charge, and not a secret. Teach kids that touch should not be secret, games should not be secret, presents someone gives you should not be secret, videos and photos should not be secret, and problems should not be secret. Coach young people so they are successful in practicing skills – using examples that are relevant to their lives – so that they are prepared to stay aware, speak up, resist emotional coercion, move away from trouble, and be persistent in getting help from busy adults.
4. Sharing information. Tell parents, educators, and administrators about Kidpower’s tools for teaching child abuse prevention strategies and skills for schools and other youth-serving organizations that help protect children and teenagers, including those with special needs, from most abuse, bullying, abduction, and other violence. Share the articles and videos on our Child Abuse Prevention Resource Page.

Let's all rise up and create healthy realities for our families and communities. To that end, our family is part of team Kidpower in this year's Human Race Walkathon & Fun Run, raising funds to help make our community a stronger, safer, more vibrant place to be.

Join us!

The catalyst of cause to action

An old friend told me she was happy I had a girl so as to be more sensitive to women’s issues.

That’s probably true, although I think it’s more about changing our minds and deciding to have a child. And hearing that my abusive birth father was dying of lung cancer.

I’ve lived the majority of my life abhorring violence, particularly violence against women and children; that’s what I grew up with. Unfortunately I participated in my own share of emotional abuse back in the day and am not proud of those unsettling moments.

However, I never made abuse of any kind my personal cause. It was just something I didn’t like, shaking my head at the tragedies reported by the media, maybe vocalizing my distaste to my wife, a family member or a friend.

It’s different now. Having a child is the catalyst of cause to action. I hold my daughter and I remember what my mother, sister and me went through all those years ago. I recall the pain I caused others all those years ago. That’s why I participated in The Human Race and will continue to do more.

We all have a choice and sometimes all we need is a catalyst. People can change for the better. Cycles of violence can be broken. We can be personally responsible.

Last month I listened to a Bill Moyer interview with Marta Peláez, president and CEO of Family Violence Prevention Services, Inc.

The interview was quite informative and disturbing as well, but one thing in particular that caught my ear was the discussion of her intervention services for the abusers themselves.

You don’t hear much about that, how some organizations work with the abusers to get them to understand they have a choice, that they can walk away from hitting and hurting, resolve their anger issues in other ways.

I was happy to hear that the Obama administration and Congress approved a funding package increases support for key programs that help to prevent domestic violence and support victims – nearly $70 million in increases for effective programs related to domestic violence, a tremendous accomplishment to help end against domestic violence. The bill includes more than $15 million in increases for the Violence Against Women Act, a $45 million increase for the Victims of Crime Act, and a $5.1 million increase for the Family Violence Prevention and Services Act. Following last year's cuts, the bill restores funding levels to those of previous years.

Thank God there are these resources. We all have choices. People can change for the better. Cycles of violence can be broken. We can be personally responsible.

What’s your catalyst of cause to action?

Happy Mother's Day!

And what a great weekend it’s been so far!

I was so incredibly happy that my lovely wife and beautiful Bea got to join me yesterday for the Human Race. I raised some awareness in helping to prevent domestic violence, and over $500 for the local non-profit Women's Crisis Support ~ Defensa de Mujeres, whose mission is to end domestic violence and sexual assault by providing intervention and prevention services in a culturally-sensitive way. I did this on behalf of my mother (love you Mom) and mothers around the world who have experienced spousal abuse.

As I tweeted and posted on Facebook Saturday morning – I awoke to the Human Race with a glass half-full of hope.

What a glorious morning for a 7K walk/run! Beatrice was not diggin’ the first half of the race in the jogging stroller, but she warmed up when we put her in the Bjorn.

To date I don’t think I’ve experienced a prouder moment (and I have so many more to come!).

A special thank you to all those who support my cause, either monetarily, voluntarily or in spirit.

Today was a grand Mother’s Day as well! I made Amy a Mother’s Day video that highlighted our journey into parenthood from pregnancy announcement to now. Lots of fun putting together and I’ll have many more of those to go. And there’s nothing finer than a pancake and bacon brunch extravaganza!

Other than Bea helping me make it for Mama for future Mother’s Days to come. Can’t wait for those messes.

Now we’re heading up into the redwoods for an afternoon stroll. (Earlier Mama wanted to go for another brief walk down the street, and I said we’re already going on one this afternoon. She paused, her voice dropping into a low growl, “I sit around the house and play with baby all day everyday, so I want to go for a walk. Now.” Needless to say we were out the door and down the street for some sun and cathartic emotional hopscotch!)

Happy Mother’s Day to all my family and friends!

Mom’s rock, especially the hot one I’m married to. Love you sweetie!

She's a mother for Christ’s sake

When she was on the Today Show earlier this week, I didn’t want to look. I was in the garage working out and I really didn’t want to look.

But I did.

And from all the medical buzz around the face transplant itself, what struck me the most was how she got to the face transplant medical procedure (over 30 of them prior to that).

She was quoted as saying, “If your husband threatens you in any way, it’s going to get worse. Even if they say something to you, they tell you…Oh, you’re ugly, you’re stupid. But if somebody points something at you and they say they’re going to do it, eventually they’re going to do it.”

In 2004 her husband shot her in the face then turned the gun on himself. He went to jail for seven years. She’s been to hell and back again multiple times.

But she said:

“I still love my husband. I forgave him the day he did it. I have to.”

It’s reported that he’s shown remorse since, telling her he’s sorry.

This haunts me. I don’t know how many times my birth father and first step father apologized after beating and berating my mother (not to be confused with the man I call Dad today).

I remember one time when my first step father was threatening my mother with a gun, saying he was going to blow her fucking brains out.

But if somebody points something at you and they say they’re going to do it, eventually they’re going to do it.

We got out of there just as we got away from my birth father. We were lucky. By the grace of God, or by our own. Or both.

But what about Connie Culp? She's a mother for Christ’s sake. She has a son and a daughter and two grandsons.

I still love my husband. I forgave him the day he did it. I have to.

By the grace of God. I don’t know if I could do it. Actually, I know I couldn’t. I can't and won't speak for my mother, however.

Not the uplifting Mother’s Day post I still plan on writing this weekend, but one that weighs heavy on my heart.

This is for all the mothers out there who have been abused. God bless you and your children.

I’m so happy my wife and daughter are joining me tomorrow for the Human Race.

This is for you, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

***

And Happy Fatherhood Friday as well. It’s a hip place at Dad-Blogs.com for dads and moms to share stories, ideas, photos and movies with one topic in mind – fatherhood. Good times.

Be part of the Human Race. Help prevent domestic violence.

For you are fearfully and wonderfully made…

Psalms 139

That’s one of the first things you read in the uplifting children’s book On the Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman, which is currently in our Bea reading rotation.

I think about that day a lot and the months and years leading up to the birth of Beatrice.

The other morning I held my daughter close while we looked out into the backyard together. A hummingbird flitted then floated above our blooming flowers. We both watched in wonder while the sun cast light on spring’s life renewal. The Japanese maple that Amy had bought for me after we met almost 12 years ago grows strong and vibrant, a tribute to our family’s love.

I’m one of the good guys, I whispered in her ear. You and Mama are too.

Later, after returning to work, my Google Alerts “child abuse” and “domestic violence” stopped me cold.

Everyday they come in – one vile example after another of broken people doing horrible things.

Why don’t I stop them? Because it’s my growing cause TO stop them. Literally. I’ve never been motivated to help on such a specific cause, even though I’ve lived it, but now that I’m a father, everything’s changed.

And keeps changing. Now that I’m a father. We’re the good guys, Bea.

There are examples of hope in those news alerts – various organizations that educate and help make a difference.

One of those is local Santa Cruz County non-profit, Women's Crisis Support ~ Defensa de Mujeres, whose mission is to end domestic violence and sexual assault by providing intervention and prevention services in a culturally-sensitive way.

On May 9, 2009 I will be participating in the 2009 Human Race in Santa Cruz, CA, supporting this organization.

The Human Race is a nationwide community fundraising event for nonprofit organizations, schools, and faith based organizations. This race is the Central Coast's largest collaborative community fundraiser, and features a fun run and walk beginning at Natural Bridges State Park and winding along one of our most beautiful natural resources – West Cliff Drive. Organizations and businesses recruit walkers/runners/pledge-gatherers to raise funds. Participating nonprofit organizations receive at least 75% of monies collected and the Volunteer Center receives the remaining percentage to coordinate and stage the event.

To make this fundraising event a success I am asking others to partner with me in raising $1,000 to benefit Women's Crisis Support (in honor of my mother, a survivor of domestic violence).

I’ve only raised $210 to date, of which I thank my friends and family. And that’s okay, because I’m raising awareness as well and will not stop talking about the issues of domestic violence and child abuse.

Whether you help me directly and Follow This Link to visit my personal Human Race web page, or donate/volunteer in your own communities, I commend you – especially you fathers out there taking responsibility for yourselves and your families. It’s even National Volunteer Week this week.

If you know of anyone who’s in an abusive relationship – physically and/or psychologically – adult and/or child – please get them help.

Be part of the Human Race. Help prevent domestic violence.

Get down on it – The Human Race is coming

All right, I'm in. The Human Race is coming to Santa Cruz and me and Bea are doing it.

According to the Human Race Santa Cruz website:

The Human Race is a nationwide community fundraising event for nonprofit organizations. The Santa Cruz County Human Race features a fun run and walk beginning at Natural Bridges State Park and winding along beautiful West Cliff Drive.

Local organizations and businesses recruit walkers/runners/pledge-gatherers to raise funds for various participating Santa Cruz County non-profit organizations.

Participating nonprofit organizations receive 75-85% of funds raised and the Volunteer Centers of Santa Cruz receives the remaining percentage to coordinate and stage the event.

I'm still thinking about launching a similar event for daddies and babies in the future, but why wait for that when we've got this! Nonprofits and faith-based charitable groups are taking huge hits these days when our communities need them the most.

So, let's get down on it and go for a fun run. I'm hitting you all up for pledges, by the way.