For Us And For Them

It was the pickaxe over his shoulder that bothered me. He stood shirtless in faded jeans near the railroad tracks with his back to my wife Amy and I as we walked our dog Jenny on the other side of the tracks. There were mirrored tattoos below each shoulder blade that looked like wings, but I wasn't sure because my eyes kept going back to the pickaxe.

We were on one of our usual walks where we take Jenny not too far from where we live. Jenny was oblivious to the man standing there, and if Amy noticed him, she didn't say anything at first. He faced a vacant lot where there was a makeshift wooden shelter semi-covered with palm fronds, which I assumed was his. The camp had been there for a few months already. Nearby are various businesses and a combined middle and high school (not where our kids go). 

The shirtless man with the pickaxe moved and headed toward his encampment. As he moved, I heard him say:

"These children with wicked tongues..."

And then it trailed off. I heard him say the first part again and then we were moving away from him as we walked our dog.

I asked Amy if she heard what he said and she did. There were teens everywhere being picked up along the street in front of the vacant lot, and it made us both very uncomfortable. I told her I should call the police department. Not 911, because there was no emergency; he didn't threaten anyone as he walked back to his camp. I called the non-emergency line to ask for a mental health check. They said they'd send an officer to check it out and would call me back.

According to the 2022 Homeless Point-in-Time (PIT) Count in Santa Cruz, there was a 6% increase in the number of people living unhoused in Santa Cruz County since 2019. The survey data indicated dramatic changes in health outcomes compared to those reported in 2019. For example, numbers of people self-reporting alcohol and drug use increased from 30% to 67%; reports of physical disability increased from 26% to 57%; and reports of chronic health conditions increased from 21% to 49%. These are quite dramatic increases since before the pandemic. 

Plus, nearly 40% of people experiencing homelessness self-reported psychiatric or emotional problems. The key here being self-reported (imagine how many of us in homes suffer from increasing psychiatric or emotional problems who aren't self-reporting). And maybe the shirtless man with the pickaxe wasn't really a safety problem for us and the teens getting out of school that day. The fact is we didn't know. 

When the officer called me back later that day, he asked me again to share with him what happened. Then he told me he'd check it out (although I thought he would've already done that), but there wasn't much he could do since it was private property, unless the man exhibited being a threat to himself and/or others, which he didn't when we saw him. I thanked the officer and still worried about what if -- the homeless camp is still there housing the man with the pickaxe who said out loud "these children with wicked tongues" while dozens of teens were getting picked up from school.

We've always supported allocating more resources to house and heal those who need help. We're also seeing more people breaking down everywhere resulting in senseless violence. We certainly don't want to live in fear, which is why being safe is so important to our family, and why I called for a mental health check on the homeless man. Too many times people won't call because it's inconvenient and they feel like there's always somebody else around who will (i.e., the bystander effect). 

We just can't do that. Amy and I are all about Kidpower's founding principle: Our safety and well-being of ourselves and those in our care are more important than anyone's embarrassment, inconvenience, or offense. That includes our own. This is something we live by every day, because our ultimate safety is for us and for them.

Aglow With Healthy Choices

The only thing worse than telling a stressed out adult that everything's going to be okay is telling a stressed out teen that everything's going to be okay. There's a nuclear fission reactor inside teens that's constantly splitting emotional atoms that unleash inordinate amounts of overdramatic erratic and irrational energy.

And that's on a good day.

This body-changing and hormone-raging energy can run the gamut from frenetic to brooding and change in a millisecond. It's not that teens can't be rational and somewhat adult-ish in their daily disposition, because they can, but developmentally their frontal cortex is just coming online as everything else in their body changes. It's a whole new world for them, and for their adults in charge. When I think back to my teen years (and even through my 20's), there were seemingly countless stress-filled days and nights that completely altered my perception of reality. I split emotional atoms regularly and radiated myself with mind-melting anxiety that got worse as my teens wore on. 

Adults struggle with how to deal with radiating teens. My parents did their best to understand my sister and I and to talk to us rationally. They offered me sound but unrealistic advice on how to deal with stressing about a test, or a teacher, or trying out for sports, or a part-time job I had, or going to college, or a girl I liked, or -- the list goes on and on. It was unrealistic because developmentally I couldn't "adult it" like they could (or tried to), no matter the choices in front of me. Thankfully they never told me to just "deal with it."

And we'll never do that either. Whether it was last year when our oldest Beatrice worked through her angst about applying to be a junior leader and camp, and then doing it and loving it, or this year when our youngest Bryce recently wanted to audition for a youth theater production of Beauty and the Beast. And then she didn't. And then she did. And then she didn't. And then she did. And now she's loving it. It's hard to watch your kids stress out about things you believe ultimately they'll enjoy and will help them learn and grow, but stress they will. Plus, even with the competitiveness in growing up, we want them to enjoy what they choose to do, just like all the years I coached them both in soccer.

My wife Amy and I understand all this (or try to) and do our best to provide our daughters the strategies and tools to manage splitting their own emotional atoms and the choices they'll make (or won't). We can't prevent the anxious meltdowns from happening, no matter how much we'd like to, and no matter how trivial we think it is. Because to a teen, all things are far from trivial. We're also not going to tell them to just deal with it and/or get over it; that's just not realistic or even possible for them (or us as adults). Thankfully parenting with Kidpower and Positive Discipline has helped us traverse childhood's easy bake ovens to teen-land's nuclear reactors. 

However, we can't expect them to just do something because we think they should, no matter much we want to see them do it. Or force them to do it by shaming them or telling them they don't have a choice. Because they do. At least ours do. Understanding and applying choices, good or bad, are a big part of growing up, and our kids should have choices. Because choices can help them overcome their anxieties when they have the right tools and strategies. Finding their own way won't prevent them from stressing and radiating anxiety, but it will help them grow up aglow with healthy choices.

Finding Magic In Every Moment

We'd been on the same rides dozens of times over the years. This one included: The Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, which is converted to the movie theme The Nightmare Before Christmas during the holidays from Thanksgiving through the first week in January. That's when we were there this time after the New Year. 

During the ride, you're taken up above a long dining area with ghosts and goblins dancing and flying around. As I took it all in, I looked at the place settings on the dining room table and thought, That's odd, why does that place setting look so different than the others?

I stared at it for the seconds we had in that part of the ride. What was different?

Then it hit me: That's a hidden Mickey. The place setting configure as the iconic Mickey Mouse face and ears.

Supposedly over 1,000 hidden Mickeys have been recorded throughout the Disney theme parks, properties, media, etc. We've been coming to Disneyland with our daughters nearly every year since 2014. The exceptions were 2019 when we took them to Disney World for the first time, and then of course 2020 during the first year of the pandemic when Disney (and everything was closed). Years before the girls we spent part of our honeymoon in Disneyland. We're grateful for every visit we've had at the Magic Kingdom. Yes, we love going, even with the crush of rude people, long lines, occasional broken-down rides, and overpriced food and drinks.

But we've never seen a hidden Mickey until now, and we actually found three. 

We've heard about the hidden Mickeys over the years, but never found any until now. We never really looked for any either. We just enjoyed our visits as much as possible until we were done. However, every visit prior to this time wasn't without its adult and child angst, frustration, stress, and grumpy bouts with each other. Normal human stuff that happens no matter how well you think you plan and mitigate with your kids. 

This time was different in Disney, though. Yes, our girls are older now, teens, and while you'd think that would've added to the angst, frustration, stress, and the grumps, it really didn't. In fact, it was the most mellow and enjoyable few days in the Magic Kingdom ever. The girls were ready to spend more time on their own for the first time in Disneyland including going back and forth to the hotel on their own when they wanted to take a break. 

Even with the torrential storms happening throughout California and our daily worries about our community, neighborhood, our home, and our dog Jenny back in Santa Cruz (and checking in on all of it each day), we enjoyed our mostly sunny Southern California Disney in between the storms. This trip had been planned over 10 months ago and no one could've predicted getting 700% of average annual rainfall in just a few weeks. I also don't think I'd ever seen a headline before that said, "90% of California Under Severe Weather Watch."

With all that -- going to Disney, finding hidden Mickeys, and traversing the storms -- my wife Amy and I always plan for safety everywhere we go (at least for what we have control over). We've also been working hard at letting go of "things" that we have no control over, and things that no longer serve us, whatever those are, and being open to anything and everything all at once. Our daily meditations have helped us understand that the more you let go, the more new possibilities and ideas can occur; you see connections and opportunities you never saw before. Emotional, psychological, and spiritual connections and opportunities. More than that, the ability to accept whatever happens and whatever we manifest while enjoying the moments we have with one another. 

Ah, there he goes waxing philosophical again. What the heck does any of that have to do with going to Disney, hidden Mickeys, and storms? Our teens might think we're nuts sometimes, but hidden Mickeys became the metaphor for letting go and finding magic in every moment, and after all these years, we found them. 

Because That's The Job

"A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us, 'No'
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming..."

–Disney's Aladdin 

But this isn't a Disney movie. It's just real life raising complex little humans -- now teenagers -- don't blink. The sentiment in the song is how they feel, though, and everything they're experiencing is a whole new world. For them and for us. 

I've been writing about my own personal experiences with parenting and personal leadership for over 15 years, how my own past impacted this journey, and all my learning and growth throughout. My wife Amy and I have mostly lead our lives together, and our parenting, with love and empathy and positive discipline, and of course, practicing social, emotional, and physical safety via Kidpower. Our children have been raised with all this, and for over four years we've had weekly family meetings to check in with each other and review managing emotions, providing support, positive communications, and safety plans.

It doesn't mean with get it all right with them, because we don't, but we're proud of our parenting to date and the closeness we have as a family. Change is constant, however, and now our kids are teens are new experiences are happening all the time for them. Thank goodness nothing close to what Amy and I experienced at 12, 13, and 14 years old (which I'm not telling you or them about). But then again, our kids are now at an age where they're not telling us everything either. Ugh. 

Not only that, they're sometimes embarrassed to be around us, their sarcasm has developed and is no longer their "inside voices," they fight us on doing their chores, they question a lot of what we comment on as adults, they're doing things they're not supposed to without asking us first, they're sometimes lying to us and not telling us everything, and who knows what's next. Thank goodness there's no experimentation with drugs, alcohol, or (God forbid) sex (yet), but school is getting harder and more competitive academically, extracurricularly, socially -- all the ly's -- and the stress has increased exponentially. Plus, the perception of that stress is skewed by a still developing prefrontal cortex, hormonal changes, new life experiences happening every day, and friend group influences happening every day. 

God, it's a wonder that any of us survived adolescence. 

In high school I had a civics teacher who read a passage to us all about how young people today are selfish, misguided, obstinate, sarcastic, emotional, have a lack of respect for their elders, etc. The passage had been written over 2,000 years ago during the Roman Empire. Over 2,000 years later, the point was, it could've been written today (by less forgiving adults).

Again, we're grateful to be so close as a family. That's helped us help our kids deal with new and stressful experiences that could lead to social and emotional struggles if left unchecked, something I went through as a teen that I certainly don't want them to go through. We don't always get it right as their parents, but we've worked hard to provide empathic love, support, and guidance to them -- to help them make good choices in all the choices they'll make more and more on their own each day (and there will be bad ones). Whatever this whole new world of adolescence brings us all, we'll always meet our teens where they're at to help them persevere, overcome, learn, grow, and thrive into adulthood. 

Because that's the job, kids. Happy New Year!

The 2022 Top 10 Most Read from GOTG

Here we are again; another year flew past. Mercy me. I wrote 50 articles this year on Get Off The Ground (GOTG), and I've written 843 in total since I started writing in 2007. I went from silly posts in early fatherhood to more serious pieces over the years. 

Thank you for stopping by and reading. We're all works in progress, and my wife Amy and I continue to work at being better spouses, parents, and community members. which is the whole point of what I share here -- and to be the positive spread of growth, empathy, and love. 

Speaking of stopping by and reading, here were this year's top 10 most read from GOTG:

1. Coronavirus Sucks, But We Don't Have To
2. From the Loss and the Pride 
3. The Ultimate Quits
4. Not How They Will Wind Up 
5. Never Too Old 
6. Almost Gridless 
7. Those That Just Might Reconnect 
8. The Teen Brain Two-Step 
9. Thanks to Mom (and me) 
10. Stuck in the Middle with Me

Thank you again for reading, and now it's time for a Christmas break for me and my family. No matter how you celebrate this time of the year, and whatever your holiday traditions are, blessings to you all. Be safe and well. 

"You're all I need

Underneath the tree…”

Our Biggest Cheerleaders

We cheered them on when they performed in plays and musicals. We cheered them on when they played sports. We cheered them on when they graduated from elementary school. We cheer them on every day just hearing about their days. We celebrate their wins and empathize their struggles. 

Our children's biggest cheerleaders are Mom and Dad. Always have been. Always will be. 

Our oldest Beatrice was a junior leader for summer day camp this year and we cheered her on all the way through it. She was so grateful every day she was at camp working with the kids. This was something she wanted to do all year since being a camper at last summer's day camp. Back in early May of this year, I remember the video interview she did to become a junior leader. She was stressed prior to the interview, but she was so confident and calm during it. 

Just like her younger sister Bryce was when she spoke to her 5th graduating class at the end of May. She was one of three students from her 5th grade class who volunteered to speak. She shared how disappointing it was to get covid and miss some of the fun end-of-year events, but that no matter what, she was grateful to be back in the end for graduation to be with all her friends and her teachers. And she wrote the whole thing herself. 

We cheer our children on, we parent them, we take care of them, and we love them. As their parents, we don't expect them to cheer us on, just listen to us and love us back. And of course, deal with all our unabashed supportive cheering. That gets more emotionally and socially complicated now that they're teens when we have to deal with new and improved levels of overdramatic back-talk independence. 

However, they are our biggest cheerleaders, even when they try to act like they're not. Nearly every day when we tell them we hope they have a great day school, they reciprocate about our work days. Occasionally they tell me how good I'm getting at drumming. They cheer on Mom about all her yummy baking and cooking, and everything else that Mom does, which is a lot. 

Their cheering on was especially poignant when I was sworn in as a new school board member recently. Super-cheered on actually. They all sat in front, and Bryce whooped it up on my behalf while Mom and Beatrice clapped along when we walked up to be sworn in, and then again afterwards. Everyone in the room laughed, including past teachers both girls had in grade school. It was all so sweet. I smiled and laughed, thinking that this was the greatest Christmas present of all, the unabashed supportive love of our children. 

The Ride Home

As soon as they get into the car, both girls shout, "I'm going to talk about my day first!"

"No, I'm going first!"

"No, I am!"

"Dad, who gets to go first?"

Sometimes I tell them it's whoever said it first. Other times one of them will concede and let the other go first. The other day I actually had them pick a number between 1 and 10, and whoever was the closest got to go first. Haven't done that in years.

Our daughters have always felt safe and comfortable sharing their experiences with us, something we've fostered and have been quite grateful for. But now that they're both in middle school together, 6th and 8th grade, it's become a race to tell us about their "work" days. Good, bad, or indifferent. Sometimes in mind-numbing descriptive teen detail. About lunch drama with friends, that to me didn't seem all that dramatic, but to them was. Or, classroom drama about group projects where others in the group didn't do very much of the work. Or, more classroom drama about teachers who stress them out. More of these dramas from our oldest Beatrice than her younger sister Bryce, but both of their days are shared with us, drama or not.

My wife Amy takes them to school in the mornings, and unless I'm traveling for work, I pick them up most of the time after school (if they're not riding their bikes or walking, which they're doing sometimes). I love that time with our kids, just listening to them, asking further explanatory questions. That can lead to either further clarifications, or sassy retorts, depending on the context and their mood. It's only a 10-minute ride home, but for me it feels like hours listening to my children grow up. 

The fact that our teens are comfortable talking with us is so important. They tell their mother more than they tell me, but they're still comfortable sharing with me. One of the things that's made a difference is that we listen and let them talk. That doesn't take the parenting out of the equation, because there are situations that call for parental oversight and insight, and for me, judgmental interjections. I try to not to do that, but still do. And both girls call me out on that -- "Dad, I'm not done talking, so please don't interrupt."

The loving bonds of trust are there with our daughters because we listen to them without judgment (again, Mom more than Dad) and without directly trying to solve any of their problems they may have (school, friends, etc.). We help them, of course, but we also want them to learn how to figure things out, how to help themselves, work with others, and self-advocate. 

If there are issues that involve emotional, social, or physical safety, including things that we weren't aware of because they didn't want us to be aware, then there are definitely parental interventions and controls. Hiding things from us are rare, and when it happens, we deal with them immediately.

So, after arguing who tells Dad about their day first when I pick up our girls from school, they tell me about their days, and then argue who's going to tell Mom first when they get home. It's a gift of grace that they both are willing to share their days with us, every day. That's why the ride home is a highlight of my day, every day.