Probably Together Forever

"I don't like that you and Dad keep fighting," Beatrice said. 

Our oldest daughter stood there looking very concerned. If our youngest, Bryce, felt concerned as well, she didn't show it or say anything. She doesn't like conflict anyway; she usually makes herself small and withdrawals. 

"We're not fighting," my wife Amy said.

"Beatrice, we don't always agree, but we're not fighting," I said. 

"Yes, you are," Bea said.

"No, honey, we're not."

In reality there have only been a handful of times over 24 years together that Amy and I have really fought unhappily. Even having to leave the house to cool off. A couple of those times were in front of the girls. However, upwards of 40%-50% of marriages end in divorce, and the odds are, and have been, that our daughters will have friends whose parents split up. Temporarily or permanently. 

It's not something that they were aware of, or articulated, at younger ages. But now they're both painfully aware of parents who split up, whether that be from friends or family. They also know that I was married once before. When they first learned that years ago, Beatrice riddled me with questions. In fact, my parents were divorced and Amy's were, too. 

Amy wasn't married before, and from our first meeting to today, she's been the catalyst that keeps the priority of our love intact, and our willingness to do the work. It's not that I haven't made it a priority. I have. But I've also struggled a lot more with my past continuously affecting my present. The good news -- I don't think that I've ever been more psychologically and emotionally in place than today.

Of course there are reasons why people shouldn't stay together. If there is physical or emotional abuse for either person, safety should be the highest priority. My mother divorced twice due to excessive abuse at the hands of her spouse. And if someone is continuously unhappy, or both, for whatever reason, then that could be another reason for splitting up. 

Amy and I have always done the relationship work. The open and honest communication. The criticality of intimacy. The interconnections that come from compromise. The boundary setting with each other and others. The emotional and psychological investment in each other and in ourselves. The not going to bed angry. We've both committed to doing the work and we want to do the work. It's also work that's never-ending (which is why we love Brené Brown's work so much). It's not really hard work when you're all in, but is it never-ending. 

Also, when you're with someone for any length of time, again 24 years for us, there's a comfort in how well you know each other. There are a million inside jokes and catch phrases we've shared over the years that still bring a smile or a laugh. There's also a teasing banter we've developed over the years with one another that can sound like we're unhappy when we're really not. And when that overlaps into disagreements about any topic, the girls may misinterpret what's happening. 

We continue to impart on our daughters what it takes to keep a relationship thriving, when both people want it to thrive. We impart on them that disagreements are important to healthy relationships; we each have our own minds and spirits. Just like the line from our marriage vows and one of my favorite Rush songs The Speed of Love -- "where two halves make two wholes."

We are hopeful romantics who do the work. We also know that absolutes aren't realistic -- we will be together forever, for example. We'll be together as long as we both do the relationship work. Also, in the same spirit of jest we have with one another, when Beatrice asks if we're going to be together forever, we tell her -- probably together forever. She smirks at this. Hopefully one day they'll both find what we've found together. And in sense, within our own family love, they already have.

Epilogue

"I always see you guys kiss after you tease each other," said Bryce. "That's loving."

The Greatest Reward of All

Watching his grown daughter congratulate him for all his hard work and success, and thank him for pushing her to always do her best, to being such a positive supporter of her life and life choices, made me think of what that might look like someday with our own daughters. 

One of my dear friends from high school recently retired. At least, from the career he had for decades at the same company, which isn't as common as it used to be, not with average tenures, even with promotions, being much shorter. 

This friend listened to me provided with with supportive counsel during some very dark times my senior year in high school. He's one of a handful of people who have kept our collective friendships going for over 40 years. The last time we were all together was early 2020, pre-covid, and I couldn't wait to see them all when we were invited to his retirement party with his family and colleagues. We've put the work in to sustain and grow our friendships over the years, so it was a pleasure to be with most of them again. 

Listening to his daughter speak about her father gladdened by heart. My wife Amy sat next to me and I thought about how we've put the work into our relationship. How we've been loving and supportive of each others ups (and downs), of our careers and life choices, of how we manage our emotions and positive communication every day and encourage our daughters to do the same. How we're positive supporters of their lives and life choices. We're still the parents, and they're still the children, with us imparting parental guidance and positive discipline when necessary; we want them to ultimately live their best lives as adults. 

Because we live our best lives every single day, and even when self-doubt creeps in, as it has for me lately, we choose empathy and love over cynicism and self-criticism in our personal and professional lives. Because for us, the professional and personal are inextricably linked. 

And the reality is that things don't always go as we've planned. Like programs I've developed for the organization I run that I was so sure about that just didn't take off. Personal writings that I share each week that I feel just don't resonate with anyone. The cynicism and self-criticism creeps in. That's what I've been struggling with lately. 

But I still put in the work to work through it because the work never ends. There's a new song from the band Twenty One Pilots that I love called Mulberry Street. There's a lyric in it that goes "keep your bliss, there's nothing wrong with this, we just want to feel it all." That truly hits the mark for me these days. 

Feeling failure on any level isn't an endgame; how it's perceived and processed inside is what can bring a new framing. One that should lead to looking at the why upside-down and then trying again right-side up. That's part of doing the work; there's nothing wrong with feeling this way or that. As long as you feel it all and enrich yourself with what's next. 

Keep your bliss, there's nothing wrong with this, we just want to feel it all.

Someday when our daughters are grown they will congratulate us for doing the work, keeping our bliss and for empowering them to do the same, and that legacy will be the greatest reward of all. 

Forging Life Paths

When she was 3, we had no idea what would come from her developmental delays. Now that she's nearly 13, we're so grateful for how much she's thrived. And she's only just begun. Our oldest, Beatrice, will be going into 7th grade this fall. Mercy me -- 7th grade. After a year and a half of pandemic and mostly distance learning, except for the last two months of the school year, she did well. And for someone who dislikes math so much, she did really well. We made a big deal out of that. She, however, did not. 

Reading isn't a favorite of hers either, but graphic novels have found a home in her heart and her mind. One of her favorite authors/artists is Raina Telgemeier who wrote Smile, Guts, Drama, different iterations of The Babysitters Club (based on the novels by Ann M. Martin). Not just reading them either; she's working on multiple stories herself. She's writing her own story lines, developing characters, drawing her characters and story lines, giving them depth and back stories. She runs her stories by her mom and I, and we give her feedback and ask her questions, which helps her think through them even more. 

When our youngest Bryce was 3, she didn't have the same delays her sister had. She thrived in school from the very beginning, with math and reading being some of her favorite subjects. Science, too. It wasn't too long ago when we took the girls to the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, and Bryce was convinced she wanted to be an astronaut. Today we watched the Virgin Galactic space flight, and while Bryce has moved onto an interest in marine biology and the ocean, another unexplored space itself, I can see how she watched the Virgin Galactic livestream with curious intensity.

Bryce will be going into 5th grade this fall. Mercy me -- 5th grade. Bryce also survived the distance learning and unlike her sister is an avid reader. She loves chapter books (and graphic novels, too), and some of her current favorites are The Mysterious Benedict Society series (which I read to her at night; never gets old to read to your children), Wings and Fire series (just like my love of fantasy when I was their ages), The Magic Treehouse series, and others, as well as reading marine biology books for kids. 

Besides academics and reading, we're also so proud of how both girls have developed socially. They are good friends themselves, treating each other with empathy and respect, looking out for each other. They treat their friends the same, both sharing mutual friends and having each their own. This summer they've both gone to a daily summer camp and are now in summer school (which they both enjoy, but Bea says it's too much like school-school). They've gotten to know some of their current schoolmates better (since they weren't in person for over a year) and have also met new friends. 

They are also fiercely independent, as much as you can be when you're almost 11 and 13, and we continue to help them practice boundary setting and find their voices. Each week at our family meetings we discuss managing our emotions, providing positive support and engaging in positive communication with each other and others in our lives. 

And now Beatrice is developing her mentoring and leadership skills by wanting to work with younger kids. She's already helped as a junior leader in different after-school programs like Kids in Nature, and next year she wants to be a junior leader at the summer camp both girls attended this summer. Soon she'll help out with the little kids at another day camp a friend of ours is running. Babysitting is right around the corner too and she's already putting the word out she wants to start practicing. We're sure Bryce's leadership development isn't too far behind.

As their parents, we don't always get the leading with eyes of love right, and we're blinded by our own flash floods of bias and fear. We know the world is full of precarious canyons and cliffs, and yet, they are forging life paths for themselves with compassion and empathy we could have never imagined for ourselves when we were their age. We're so proud of them both. 

The Future of Freedom

I remember my childhood on the 4th of July: running around with my cousins in my grandparents' backyard, the summer heat beating down on us while we ate hamburgers and hot dogs, homemade ice cream and watermelon. I felt free without a care in the world. Even with the personal troubles we had at home growing up, those moments with the bigger family represented freedom and safety to me. 

Over the years I got to know this idea, America, more and more. Land of the free and home of the brave, where all men were created equal, endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. 

At least, that's what we were taught. In school, we were taught the sanitized version of America, and at the time I didn't know any better. However, growing up with Schoolhouse Rock did help cement the why of America and gave me a civics background in song that was more memorable than any civics class I had from grade school to high school. How I loved the Constitution Preamble episode (those of you from our generation can sing along!).

When I was in college, and then after college, I started studying history, the real history of this country, and how we weren't all created or treated equal. Not by a long shot. Indigenous people, people of color, women, gay people, and so many more segments of our country's population were marginalized, discriminated against and worse. It took nearly 200 years after the Declaration of Independence for the Civil Rights Act of 1964 to be passed, which prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion, sex or national origin. 

There's a great new show on Netflix called We the People. It's kind of like Schoolhouse Rock meets 2021, with today's musical artists composing and singing the songs. So far there have been two episodes: the first one is about how we the people can affect positive change in our country, and the second is about the Bill of Rights. We can't wait to watch the rest with our girls!

As I was thinking about this 4th of July and how my wife Amy and I continue to feel about learning America's history, the real history, and how we want our daughters to do the same, I scanned old July 4th photos on my phone. I found a cute one from six years ago with Beatrice and Bryce holding flags and dressed in old-timey clothes from 100 years ago. 

Pre-covid, Amy and I loved taking the girls Wilder Ranch State Park and celebrate an old-fashioned 4th of July. The park staff and other volunteers would also reenact a women's suffrage parade, complete with signs calling for the right of women to vote in elections. That's an important part of history for our girls to understand and to ensure it doesn't disappear. 

We love this country. Its ideals have empowered many a positive change for all kinds people, here and abroad, and we're grateful for those who have fought for those ideals. It's taken hundreds of years to get here, and we've still got a lot long ways to go in America, and go the distance we will. Because the future of freedom is always at stake. 

The Why of History

"Why do we keep treating black people this way?" 

That was a question our oldest daughter Beatrice asked after hearing on the news yet another police shooting of another unarmed black person. 

"I know, Bea," I said. "We have a long history of racism in this country that too often results in violence." 

"It's just sad," she said. "We shouldn't treat people that way."

"I know. And we can do better." 

After that exchange, I heard my dad's voice from the past in my head. He was a police officer when I was a teenager in the 1980's.

"Well, son, there are good cops, and there are bad cops, just like there are good bakers and bad bakers. Unfortunately there are always some who don't play by the rules and hurt others. But for us, yes, there are mostly good cops."

"But Dad, bad bakers don't kill other good bakers, or or other people."

"You are correct, son. You are correct. They do not. Not usually."

My dad and I did talk about systemic racism back then, although the conversation always came back to individuals who discriminated against others, not the fact that it was baked into our societal institutions. As our own daughters have gotten older and their awareness of the world around them has increased, and because they overhear their Mom and Dad talking about current events, they ask about them, especially Beatrice. That can lead to brief exchanges about our history and what really happened in our country since before its independence was declared. 

Like about something I didn't even know, something my wife Amy and I weren't taught in school. We didn't learn that the year before the ship Mayflower brought the Pilgrims to Plymouth Rock, two other ships -- the White Lion and the Treasurer -- brought slaves to Jamestown in 1619. Although scholars called them indentured servants, they were technically slaves. Thus began the tragic history of institutionalized slavery in early America. Slaves who lived in constant fear of their lives -- many of whom who were maimed, raped and killed to keep white power in power. Even after the Civil War and the Emancipation Proclamation and the Thirteenth Amendment in 1865, nearly 5,000 people were lynched between 1882 and 1968 in the United States, and almost 3,500 were black people. And in 2020, three white men stalked and killed a black jogger. And a white officer killed a black man by leaning on his neck for 9 minutes. And the list goes on and on back then through now. 

Bad apples? Or an ongoing struggle with power and our racist past and present? And it isn't just about discriminating against black people -- add in all people of color into out complex historical equation. I understand wanting to embrace our constitutional ideals that we're all created equal and we all have these inclusive inalienable rights (rights we did not collectively have until the late 20th century). That each of us can be whatever we want in this country, regardless of race, gender, sexual preference, political persuasion and/or religion, which is what many of us tell our children.

However, there are those who are pretty vocal these days about how they don't like each other because of race, gender, sexual preference, political persuasion and/or religion. Thankfully many more of us want to lead with eyes of love, empathy, understanding and accountability, and we also want our children to do that same. That includes understanding our history. All of it. In an age-appropriate context, but all of it just the same. Because how else are we going to know better and do better? 

It's really been on my mind ever since we camped in the Zion area, where we went to Pipe Spring National Monument. The monument is managed by both the National Park Service and the Kaibab Band of Paiute Indians. This is the only water source between the Virgin River and the Colorado River, and its history is a familiar and sad one in America. One where white settlers displaced the indigenous Paiute Indians so they could own the water, and then they brought in their cattle and destroyed the expansive grasslands the Indians had lived symbiotically with for generations. Women and girls from the local tribes were also sold into the slave trade by Spanish settlers. This happened again and again to the indigenous people in America. That combined with slavery and systemic racism and what happened to people of color over the past 400 years in this country are realities we want our children to understand -- and to not stand for them happening again. 

We're a white family. But we do not feel discriminated against. We don't feel like people of color or political leaders want to take our freedoms away (well, some political leaders, yes). We don't feel the civil rights that were fought so vehemently for undermine our rights or our constitution, not when our constitution was supposed to embody the very rights of every citizen in our country in the first place. In fact, our daughters' gender will be held against them much more than our own skin color. 

Last week was Juneteenth, and next week is July 4, so why can't we talk about our history openly and honestly? I am no scholar of Critical Race Theory, but I do believe in studying and understanding history and how it affects the realities of where we're at today as a society. That includes our children learning history as well. All of history, not just the parts that make America look good in the minds of certain groups. While we may not be responsible today for slavery and the systemic racism that came to be, we are all responsible for understanding the why of history to help prevent racism's persistence tomorrow.

Always Safety First

I pushed back on the face shields. I didn't want our daughters to have to wear them while we were traveling during our summer road trip. My wife Amy had been given a pair of face shields prior to us leaving, and they were to be worn if we were eating inside a crowded restaurant. 

Again, I didn't want them to have to wear them; we were already having them wear face masks inside everywhere we went. I struggled with stigma over safety. I worried about being confronted in public, our children shamed, us as parents shamed, and me shouting back in anger. I was caught up in the fear of the political and irrational fringe that refuses to wear any masks and to not be vaccinated. 

Amy reminded me of what I already knew and agreed with -- safety first. Always safety first, regardless of anyone's feelings, even my own. We all still wore our face masks in many places indoors during our vacation due to COVID-19, mostly in solidarity with our daughters, with only our oldest Beatrice being half-vaccinated. Our youngest Bryce won't be able to be vaccinated until it's approved for children under 12. The good news was that many other families wore their masks inside as well while we traveled (and not always required indoors depending on where we were). 

Amy and I are always grounded in the best science of our time, and this time was no exception. According the the CDC, fewer children have been sick with COVID-19 compared to adults, children can be infected with the virus that causes COVID-19, can get sick from COVID-19, and can spread the virus that causes COVID-19 to others. Children, like adults, who have COVID-19 but have no symptoms (“asymptomatic”) can still spread the virus to others.

And that was the key -- can still spread the virus to others. Amy and I could still get sick being vaccinated. The probability was much lower, but it could happen. And anyone else we were around. With the Delta variant on the rise, a variant that spreads much faster than the first coronavirus, that's a reality we cannot deny.

Over 33 million people infected to date in the U.S., and over 600,000 people have died (most likely underreported). Covid still rages in places all over the world; nearly 4 million have died globally. Comparably, only 290,000 to 650,000 people die of flu-related causes every year worldwide. Also, only 45% of the total U.S. population is fully vaccinated against COVID-19. 53% have had at least one shot. We're still a ways from hitting 70% vaccinated rates, when we can truly move safely beyond the pandemic. It's pretty amazing when you think about it how fast these vaccines were developed, tested and distributed during a worldwide pandemic. 

So, there we were in a very crowded restaurant in Las Vegas, and when the food came, we had the girls wear the face shields. And no one gave us a second look, even with Beatrice getting food all over the inside of her shield (Bryce did not). No shaming or shaking of heads. Most of the time afterwards we either ate outside or were in less populated restaurants (or ate at our camper), but we still wore our face masks when required or needed. 

Now that we're back home we're very happy that our state has opened up, that Beatrice got her second dose, and that eventually Bryce will get vaccinated. I no longer struggle with safety stigma, and am sorry I did in the first place when we were on vacation. 

Unfortunately, too many people are still refusing to get vaccinated, and to wear masks if they're not, and many of those people are men, men who are fathers and grandfathers. I can't control the mass misinformation and conspiracy theories that continue to dissuade men from getting vaccinated, no matter how much free money, food and beer are being offered to them. I can only implore fathers everywhere to make safety a priority for their families and communities. Always safety first.

Happy Father's Day.

Swept Away

"This land is your land and this land is my land
From California to the New York island
From the redwood forest to the Gulf Stream waters
This land was made for you and me..."

–Woody Guthrie, This Land Is Your Land

She almost didn't fly over Fremont Street. We had booked the zip line ride weeks in advance, with our oldest daughter Beatrice agreeing to do the ride with me, her dad. Thirty minutes before our scheduled time, Bea grappled with and stressed out over the reality of flying 114 feet above all the people below walking along the famous downtown Las Vegas Fremont Street.

I on the other hand, grappled with and stressed out over the reality of taking our daughters to Vegas in the first place, the beginning of our two-week summer road trip. Since the first time I remember going to Las Vegas, I never really understood why parents brought their young children and babies there. The many times my wife Amy and I have gone, we've wondered out loud the same thing. Two days in Vegas as adults, and we swear we'll never go again.

But there are things for families to do together, especially for pre-teens and teens. And with that older kid awareness also comes the questions about all the less-than-kid-friendly things they see around them, which we readily answered since we talk openly about the world with our children. 

There was still plenty to do: we played carnival games at Circus Circus, went to the Coca-Cola store and sample sodas from around the world, went to the Hershey store, watched the Bellagio fountain show, ate yummy food, went shopping, went swimming back at the RV campground, and then Bea and I were swept away on the zip line. It was awesome!

For months we planned this summer road trip in our camper, one that we’re very grateful we were able to take. One that echoed the arc of a trip Amy and I took 14 years ago in May of 2007. A trip where the idea of the girls was born. Or, the idea of children for us was born. A two-week trip through the Southwest starting in Vegas and continuing through many gorgeous National Parks, including Bryce's namesake (Bryce Canyon National Park). A trip where our dog Jenny would this time have to stay home and be taken care of since we'd be doing too many non-dog things. A trip where I again take care of the poop.

After Vegas and Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area, we headed to Bryce Canyon National Park. And it was again just as emotional for Amy and me as it was 14 years ago. We went into the park at sunset the first night we were there, and all of us were awestruck. This wondrous span of geological time reminded us again of our family journey we embarked on in 2008 with Beatrice, followed by 2010 with Bryce. 

Bryce was thrilled to meet her namesake, and even more thrilled to complete another Junior Ranger program. Kids who do these programs take an oath to protect parks, continue to learn about parks, and share their own Junior Ranger story with friends and family. Each park has its own Junior Ranger booklet to work through with fun learning exercises -- and you earn cool badges in the end! She had already done many of these during other trips we’ve taken and can now wear all of them on her Junior Ranger vest. Beatrice completed some of these too in the past, but now she's a little old for them, although she does help Bryce complete them, as do me and Amy.

From there we went to Zion National Park, another park replete with rugged splendor. And way too many people – the park was already packed early when we arrived. We still got to do everything we wanted to included hiking into The Narrows and the Virgin River. What we didn’t do is hike Angels Landing.

If you’re not familiar with Angels Landing, it’s an iconic rock formation in Zion 1,500 feet tall with a hiking trail that includes a series of chains, guard-rails and carved steps along the way. Amy and I did it 14 years earlier, nearly making it to the end, but in the end we couldn’t finish it. The last half mile or so, the trail is only a few feet wide, and that’s where we stopped. At one point as we held onto the chain, a family with young kids scrambled around us and encouraged us to keep going. We did not. Looking up at Angels Landing again 14 years later, I could not believe we ever friggin’ did it in the first place considering my fear of heights (even though I did do the zip line referenced above and continue to do things that face this fear). 

While in the Zion area, we went to Pipe Spring National Monument, which is managed by both the National Park Service and the Kaibab Band of Paiute Indians. This is the only water source between the Virgin River and the Colorado River, and its history is a familiar and sad one in America. One where white settlers displaced the indigenous Paiute Indians so they could own the water, and then they brought in their cattle and destroyed the expansive grasslands the Indians had lived symbiotically with for generations. Women and girls from the local tribes were also sold into the slave trade by Spanish settlers. This happened again and again to the indigenous people in America. That combined with systemic racism and what happened to people of color over the past 400 years in this country are realities we want our children to understand -- and to not stand for them happening again. 

The last part of our trip took us to Williams Arizona, the legendary Route 66 and the Grand Canyon. It was really fun being on Route 66 again and talking to the girls about it. How it used to be the main traveling road from Chicago to Los Angeles, and how many parts of it were what inspired the original Cars movie. When Amy and I went on our Southwest trip 14 years ago, we stopped and visited Seligman Arizona, another famous Route 66 destination. This time we didn’t stop after we left Williams area to head home, but we did drive through to show our daughters. 

But before we left Williams, and before we visited the Grand Canyon, we went to Sedona Arizona. One of Amy’s best friends lives near there and met us for lunch. After lunch, our family went on a Pink Jeep Tour, off road nearly 600 feet up in elevation, jostling us up and down and sideways like an intense Disney ride (think the Indiana Jones ride). That was super fun with super views!

I'd be remiss not to mention Bearizona, a drive-thru animal park in Williams with lots of sleepy animals. Keep your windows up and doors locked at all times, because seriously, sleepy wolves, bears and bison can wake up and charge (and 2 of the 3 will eat you)! After the drive-thru, there was another part of the the animal park that we walked through. It was fun for the kids and we even had a toddler grizzly bear waving at us.

One of the last big things we did was visit the Grand Canyon, the grandest of all canyons (that we’ve seen to date). We also got to see some family for the first time in a long time who live in Arizona, and so they met us in Williams and joined us in the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon (really a series of canyons carved by time and the Colorado River) holds such immense grandeur. It can also really make you feel so small and insignificant compared to the billions of years of geological time. I continue to push myself to face my fear of heights, and so walking out onto some of the railed ledges definitely fired up my vertigo. 

The views were breathtaking and the experiences unforgettable; we were all swept away. Again and again on this trip, we were all swept away and reminded of how grateful we are. Of why we started our family in the first place. Of why we love to travel. Of why we love to learn. Of why we love America – with all its wonder, imperfections and tragic history – and its unwritten future where we hope our children and yours will help each other, work together and thrive. 

“…this land was made for you and me..."