Relationships That Travel Well

"You get annoyed so easily," Bryce said. "You both do."

Our youngest was talking to us, her mom and dad. She said this because we got snippy with our oldest Beatrice for always taking too long to choose something to eat and drink while we were on vacation (and just in general). Bea always needs more time to choose since she's a vegetarian, and we understand that. 

Bryce doesn't need more time to choose, because she's not a vegetarian, but she can be really picky about what she eats and how she eats it. Sometimes when she orders food she's like Sally from When Harry Met Sally -- "And I'd like it all on the side, please." She also gets really "hangry" when she's hungry and picky, which did annoy us a few times on this vacation. 

Both kids were actually pretty good the entire trip and the family grump level was low overall considering how much we make the kids go, go, go and do, do, do. This after traveling over 13,000 miles, most of which was the long flights to London and back. Overall, it was a two-week trip of planes, trains, automobiles, buses, and taxis to and throughout the UK and Ireland. This trip also included about 90 miles of walking over two weeks, an average of seven miles per day. Our kids didn't walk all 90 miles, but they did do most of it. 

As I mentioned in my last piece, there are no greater companions in the world than my family. No more how great, though, the snippy grumps happen between all of us, including between mom and dad, my wife Amy and me. It all comes with the travel territory when vacationing together as a family. Or when we're just living together 24/7. Which is all the time. 24/7.

After over 25 years together and many destinations under our belts, Amy and I can definitely get snippy with each other when traveling, especially when it comes to:

1. How early to get to the airport, which for Amy is never early. She'd prefer to get there at not necessarily the last minute, but without a lot of sitting around time. I prefer earlier than later, just to have wiggle room if something goes wrong. (We compromise nicely on this one now.)
2. Directions, which in full transparency, I'm not the greatest at, even with the Maps app and GPS. We can walk or drive somewhere, and then if we did it again, I would still second-guess which way to go, even with GPS.

In regards to number 2, during the last leg of our trip in Ireland, we decided to rent a car and drive ourselves around. Before this trip, the one and only time we drove on the other side of the car and road was in Australia back in 2018, and we ended up doing okay with the driving. So, we did it again in Ireland. 

This time there were a lot more roundabouts than in Australia (at least it seemed that way), which actually are quite efficient compared to stoplights. The problem (for me) was which exit to take. The Maps app would tell us specifically which exit to take, but when Amy drove I told her to take wrong one a few times. In my defense, the Maps exit number didn't always match the exits on the roundabouts we took, but I was still wrong most of the time. That frustrated her to no end and I finally stopped commentating. Kind of.

I did the same thing when we used Maps while walking around, and it took me over a week to figure out that the little flashlight-like directional glow coming off the blue dot was like a compass reminding us to keep following the right blue-line directions. Again, in my defense, Maps and GPS can freak out and give incorrect directions, but most of the time they were correct. And I was not. Amy and I are still a good team and we get to where we're going. 

Yes, we all get grumpy traveling together (and living together). However, there's a nuance to the mom and dad travel and everyday life grumpies that sometimes our kids mistake for fighting. Amy and I have been together for over 25 years now and we know each other very well. Of course we've had our share of disagreements, even a few serious fights, but we also like to tease each other where it sounds like we're grumpy, but we're really not. They're just one part of our long-term relationship terms of endearment and this came up with our kids during vacation.

"You guys get annoyed so easy," Bryce again reminded us. "Are you fighting now?"

"No, Bryce, we're teasing each other this time, but we can get snippy with each other as you've already seen on this trip," Amy said. "The difference is we always work it out no matter what."

"We don't always agree, but we know how to compromise," I added. "And of course we love each other very much."

That was my queue to give Amy a kiss. 

"Ugh, stop it!" both girls cried out. 

Then I kissed her again.

We hope someday they'll have their own loving and elastic relationships based on trust and compromise. Those are the relationships that travel well. 

Probably Together Forever

"I don't like that you and Dad keep fighting," Beatrice said. 

Our oldest daughter stood there looking very concerned. If our youngest, Bryce, felt concerned as well, she didn't show it or say anything. She doesn't like conflict anyway; she usually makes herself small and withdrawals. 

"We're not fighting," my wife Amy said.

"Beatrice, we don't always agree, but we're not fighting," I said. 

"Yes, you are," Bea said.

"No, honey, we're not."

In reality there have only been a handful of times over 24 years together that Amy and I have really fought unhappily. Even having to leave the house to cool off. A couple of those times were in front of the girls. However, upwards of 40%-50% of marriages end in divorce, and the odds are, and have been, that our daughters will have friends whose parents split up. Temporarily or permanently. 

It's not something that they were aware of, or articulated, at younger ages. But now they're both painfully aware of parents who split up, whether that be from friends or family. They also know that I was married once before. When they first learned that years ago, Beatrice riddled me with questions. In fact, my parents were divorced and Amy's were, too. 

Amy wasn't married before, and from our first meeting to today, she's been the catalyst that keeps the priority of our love intact, and our willingness to do the work. It's not that I haven't made it a priority. I have. But I've also struggled a lot more with my past continuously affecting my present. The good news -- I don't think that I've ever been more psychologically and emotionally in place than today.

Of course there are reasons why people shouldn't stay together. If there is physical or emotional abuse for either person, safety should be the highest priority. My mother divorced twice due to excessive abuse at the hands of her spouse. And if someone is continuously unhappy, or both, for whatever reason, then that could be another reason for splitting up. 

Amy and I have always done the relationship work. The open and honest communication. The criticality of intimacy. The interconnections that come from compromise. The boundary setting with each other and others. The emotional and psychological investment in each other and in ourselves. The not going to bed angry. We've both committed to doing the work and we want to do the work. It's also work that's never-ending (which is why we love Brené Brown's work so much). It's not really hard work when you're all in, but is it never-ending. 

Also, when you're with someone for any length of time, again 24 years for us, there's a comfort in how well you know each other. There are a million inside jokes and catch phrases we've shared over the years that still bring a smile or a laugh. There's also a teasing banter we've developed over the years with one another that can sound like we're unhappy when we're really not. And when that overlaps into disagreements about any topic, the girls may misinterpret what's happening. 

We continue to impart on our daughters what it takes to keep a relationship thriving, when both people want it to thrive. We impart on them that disagreements are important to healthy relationships; we each have our own minds and spirits. Just like the line from our marriage vows and one of my favorite Rush songs The Speed of Love -- "where two halves make two wholes."

We are hopeful romantics who do the work. We also know that absolutes aren't realistic -- we will be together forever, for example. We'll be together as long as we both do the relationship work. Also, in the same spirit of jest we have with one another, when Beatrice asks if we're going to be together forever, we tell her -- probably together forever. She smirks at this. Hopefully one day they'll both find what we've found together. And in sense, within our own family love, they already have.

Epilogue

"I always see you guys kiss after you tease each other," said Bryce. "That's loving."

A Family That Just Happens To Be Human

"I have everything but I feel like nothing at all

There's no risky thing for a man who's determined to fall..."

–U2, You’re the Best Thing About Me

I thought it was the trigger. When she said, "What's it to you?" 

What my wife Amy said to me wasn't meant to be mean. A little ornery, but not purposefully mean. It was more defensive posturing based on what I said to her and our two girls. And yet, the moment quickly erupted with the heat of a roaring fire. 

It was just about taking baths, for God's sake. Our girls they take baths every day. Sometimes twice a day.

I do not. That's a lot of water and energy to heat the water every day. And after dinner every night when I'm doing the dishes and loading the dishwasher and the girls are taking their usual one bath per day, sometimes they run the hot water too much and I end up with lukewarm water to rinse the dishes with. That bugs me. 

On one level it's a dad thing, being concerned about water and power, although these regular baths haven't pushed up our water or power bills at all (heating my garage office with an electric heater actually does that).

So after dinner one night the two baths issue came up. I had already been complaining for a few weeks about losing hot water after dinner.

And that's when I said, "The girls cannot take two baths a day."

"Yes, we can!" the girls said together. 

Then Amy said, "What's it to you?"

Which was to me. Then I said, "Then you pay the bills, Amy!"

That outburst shocked Amy and the girls. Things escalated further with the f-word and pounding the table and yelling from both of us. Beatrice and Bryce looking surprised and a little scared. Although it wasn't the first time we've fought, we haven't had many of them over the years. Disagreements, yes, but heated fights, not so much. Even in the year of COVID-19 and stay-at-home orders and distance learning and everybody in the house all the time, not at all. Until now.

Thankfully I checked myself and used my own Kidpower version of "calm down power." I took a deep breath and just let it go. I understood that in these times of intense emotional triggers, the eruption duration leads to further escalation, and there's a split-second when the angry maw could consume us all. Amy told the girls to go upstairs and take their baths. As they quickly climbed the stairs, I apologized to Amy and even tried to joke that I should call Irene, the executive director and founder of Kidpower, and tell her I needed a remedial course on managing emotional triggers. 

Amy wanted to make sure there was nothing else bothering me. There wasn't. She apologized for her flippant response, and we apologized to each other for escalating the situation, which in reality was a non-situation. 

It wouldn't be until a few days later when I would realize the true trigger wasn't literally what she said, it was more about an ongoing issue for me (and many men) -- the false sense of being emasculated, to be made to feel weaker as a man for usually inane reasons. Patriarchy can be a soul sucker, that's for sure, and that combined with millions years of biology and my very own blue genes, it's a super soul sucker. 

But the beauty of this breakdown is that I was again reminded that I'm married to a loving and strong, emboldened and empathic, independent and interdependent, human being, who just happens to be female. 

That I'm a father of two loving and strong, emboldened and empathic, independent and interdependent, human beings, who just happen to be females. 

That I'm a loving and strong, emboldened and empathic, independent and interdependent, human being, who just happens to be male. 

When the girls came down from their baths, I apologized to them both for how I had acted.

"It's okay, Dad," Bea said.

"Did you call Irene at Kidpower?" Bryce said.

I laughed. "You heard that? Ha! That's funny, Bryce."

"Well, did you?"

I laughed again. "I love you both."

"We love you too, Dad." 

And there it was, another mindful #BhivePower moment in another New Year, and a reminder we're a family that just happens to be human. 

"You're the best thing about me
The best thing that ever happened a boy
You're the best thing about me
I'm the kind of trouble that you enjoy
You're the best thing about me
The best things are easy to destroy
You're the best thing about me
The best thing about me..."

–U2, You’re the Best Thing About Me