To Make The Shine Glow On

"I just got lost

Every river that I tried to cross

Every door I ever tried was locked

Oh, and I'm just waitin' 'til the shine wears off..."

–Coldplay, Lost!

At first, her painting felt sad and lonely. But she actually painted it at a time when she felt good about her young life, all that was happening in it, and what might happen next.

She was very proud of her work. Is proud of it. Our oldest Beatrice is quite the talented artist and we're proud of her and her work. 

Both our kids are quite the artists actually. Are quite the intuitive feelers. This is evident as they grapple with new life and learning and frontal lobes developing in front of their very eyes. Or, more correctly, in back of their very eyes.

Whether Bea intended it or not, there is a melancholy feel in the painting. The dark forest behind her. The shadow of herself in the pond that's not a true reflection, only dark shadow. It's reminds me of the line from a Coldplay song: "Oh, and I'm just waitin' 'til the shine wears off." Waiting for the good things to fade away, leaving only darkness it it's wake.

But that's me projecting my own life experience into my interpretation of my 15-year-old's painting. It doesn't mean that teens don't have ups and downs and dark deep thoughts -- they do. Not the same life experiences as us their parents, but we're also not dismissive of their angst and encourage them to talk about all their feelings. 

What I love is that the question in her painting was actually a statement: What NOW. With NOW being all caps. Like it's a challenge to what will happen next, what life will bring. Again, I'm projecting my own interpretation here, but I feel it's close.

That's a bold statement as far as I'm concerned, but demanding the "what" to manifest itself this very second is normal instant gratification longing that both teens and adults feel. Making something positive happen is another story altogether. Too many of us wait for the "shine to wear off", because that's what we expect to happen ultimately, if we feel we've been let down before by others and/or circumstances; it's always someone else's or something else's fault. This is all emotionally hard for developing teens to comprehend, but it's especially difficult for adults who never knew how to deal with adversity in the first place. 

Encouraging our kids to experience and feel all the feels, to be able to express them verbally and non-verbally (like through art), and then to work on manifesting what's next will serve them well throughout their lives. We don't want them to wait for the next bad thing to happen. We want them to make the next good thing happen for themselves today -- to make the shine glow on. 

The Positive Spread

Our first-born loved dandelions. When she was nearly two years old she loved to pick them and run with them and blow the parachuting seeds into the wind and watch them float away. She'd giggle and do it again and again until the dandelions were all gone. 

When I think about those seeds now, and how many took root where they landed for other children to pick them and blow the seeds away, I think about both our daughters and how they've taken root and grown into positive, loving, empathic, and resilient little humans. 

Our children have become what I'll call the positive spread -- sharing freely a part of their empowered positive souls wherever they go and with whoever they meet. Something it took me decades to be comfortable with. Something I still work on every day. Something we should all work on every day.

Now a tween and a teen, both of our children have grown up with positive discipline and Kidpower. They've learned a lot about natural consequences of their actions; about being calm, confident and aware wherever they go -- to be able to set healthy boundaries and always be emotionally and physically safe while inspiring others in kind. It doesn't mean they always like it when we reference these life skills they've grown up with, but even when they push back on their influence, they embody them each and every day.

I thought I was done with writing in this space, of sharing my family's journey and my own thoughts and feelings about parenting and personal leadership, and I thanked you all for reading. 

But I'm not done. Life is a work in progress and the past two months have been a deep reflection for me of what I thought I'd let go of, but instead what I've held onto. I allowed resentment and anger to reboot inside me after decades of damaged trust with myself and others I thought I had reconciled, but instead, only shuffled around inside my always hopeful heart. 

A heart full of love and optimism ever since I had picked dandelions as a child and blew seeds of hope into the wind. 

We all deserve to be loved and to be safe, and to be given the chance to learn and practice the skills that make it all reciprocally so. This is why I'm rebooting this blog to continue the positive spread that my children and my wife embody every day. I am so grateful for them. 

Blessings to you all. 

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The Greatest Reward of All

Watching his grown daughter congratulate him for all his hard work and success, and thank him for pushing her to always do her best, to being such a positive supporter of her life and life choices, made me think of what that might look like someday with our own daughters. 

One of my dear friends from high school recently retired. At least, from the career he had for decades at the same company, which isn't as common as it used to be, not with average tenures, even with promotions, being much shorter. 

This friend listened to me provided with with supportive counsel during some very dark times my senior year in high school. He's one of a handful of people who have kept our collective friendships going for over 40 years. The last time we were all together was early 2020, pre-covid, and I couldn't wait to see them all when we were invited to his retirement party with his family and colleagues. We've put the work in to sustain and grow our friendships over the years, so it was a pleasure to be with most of them again. 

Listening to his daughter speak about her father gladdened by heart. My wife Amy sat next to me and I thought about how we've put the work into our relationship. How we've been loving and supportive of each others ups (and downs), of our careers and life choices, of how we manage our emotions and positive communication every day and encourage our daughters to do the same. How we're positive supporters of their lives and life choices. We're still the parents, and they're still the children, with us imparting parental guidance and positive discipline when necessary; we want them to ultimately live their best lives as adults. 

Because we live our best lives every single day, and even when self-doubt creeps in, as it has for me lately, we choose empathy and love over cynicism and self-criticism in our personal and professional lives. Because for us, the professional and personal are inextricably linked. 

And the reality is that things don't always go as we've planned. Like programs I've developed for the organization I run that I was so sure about that just didn't take off. Personal writings that I share each week that I feel just don't resonate with anyone. The cynicism and self-criticism creeps in. That's what I've been struggling with lately. 

But I still put in the work to work through it because the work never ends. There's a new song from the band Twenty One Pilots that I love called Mulberry Street. There's a lyric in it that goes "keep your bliss, there's nothing wrong with this, we just want to feel it all." That truly hits the mark for me these days. 

Feeling failure on any level isn't an endgame; how it's perceived and processed inside is what can bring a new framing. One that should lead to looking at the why upside-down and then trying again right-side up. That's part of doing the work; there's nothing wrong with feeling this way or that. As long as you feel it all and enrich yourself with what's next. 

Keep your bliss, there's nothing wrong with this, we just want to feel it all.

Someday when our daughters are grown they will congratulate us for doing the work, keeping our bliss and for empowering them to do the same, and that legacy will be the greatest reward of all.