Getting It All Done

I sat at my desk working on algebra homework after school. I was in junior high at the time and loved math, did very well in math, but didn't always love all the homework (of any subject). What teenager does? True, I always felt like I had accomplished something important in finishing the homework and studying for quizzes and tests when I had them, no matter how long it took. And the reward was in understanding what I was learning, and of course, good grades. 

What made it all more palatable during the homework time was the music I'd listen to. I put in an 8-track tape of Aerosmith, Kansas, Journey, or another rock band of the time (this was a few years before I became the Rush fan I still am today). Yes, 8-track tapes. I had those along with cassettes and record albums. 

Not really the best study music, and definitely not reading music (I did turn off the music when I was just reading), I still enjoyed my rock and roll with math, history, science, and other subjects throughout junior and high school. 

Yes, my parents would ask me every day if I had homework, and remind me to do said homework, and I got it done, with or without my music. The deeper into high school I got the later I would stay up, although that wasn't always the best time to study and finish homework. I had to because playing sports and other extracurricular activities ate up my after school time, especially in the fall when I played football. But I got it done. It's always a beautiful mess in progress. 

For our own children today, we've impressed upon them good study habits and the autonomy to get their homework done and study for tests. We do ask them if they have homework every day, and they can get stressed about getting their work done, but most of the time their own developing work ethic keeps them on task. Also, they both love their own music sometimes when they're doing their homework. Our middle schooler Bryce is a night owl and will work after dinner and late sometimes, and our high schooler Beatrice likes to be fresh in the morning before school, or to do if before dinner if there's time. No matter when and where, they're doing the work. 

We help our kids when they have questions about their schoolwork, or at least try to help them. Some of these subjects we haven't studied for decades, and the curriculums have certainly evolved over time. We've found that, if we can't help them, even if we look up the subjects online for refreshers, having them attempt to explain to us what they're trying to learn actually helps them find the answers we can't help them with. And in their explaining, we follow along a little bit better and learn something ourselves. My goodness, I had AP calculus in high school, and I have no idea about the math they're doing today. Mom is also more patient than me, and the usual go-to; I'm like the substitute teacher that way. 

In the end, our kids are getting it all done with their unique strengths and struggles, and in their own unique autonomous ways, with great grades to show for it and we couldn't be prouder. Even with a little teen whining along the way. Or a lot. 

The Leader in Bea

As Bryce and I approached Beatrice's camp, I could hear the accolades from the camp staff and the remaining campers. It was the last day of summer day camp for the season and Beatrice received high-fives and hugs from everyone. I could feel a proud smile grow big on my face. She had been a junior leader volunteer for the summer working with younger kids seven to eight years old and she loved every minute of it. And they loved every minute of her. 

This was something she wanted to do all year since being a camper at last summer's day camp. Back in early May of this year, I remember the video interview she did to become a junior leader. She was stressed prior to the interview, but she was so confident and calm during it. Just like her younger sister was when she spoke to her 5th graduating class at the end of May. 

Beatrice will definitely be a junior leader again and wants to be part of the staff in a couple of years. We're proud to be raising such confident and empathic leaders. Kids who have been part of a public school system that has served them well. That's not always the case in other places throughout America, and the system buckled and broken further during the pandemic, which has led to frustrated and angry parents, teachers, and administrators. 

Parents of varying socioeconomic backgrounds who have looked for alternatives like home schooling or school voucher programs that gives parents a choice of possible private school programs (if they can afford to supplement the cost not covered by their current public funding). Teachers and administrators who have looked for alternate professionals, completely burnt out by the constant harassment from frustrated and angry parents, and especially from the fringe political perspectives fueled by misinformation and outright lies. 

I can't and won't speak for the parents who've struggled with their children's education elsewhere because we haven't had those same experiences, but I will say we're so grateful for all the wonderful and caring teachers, support staff, and administrators we've had over the past 10+ years of public school to date, especially during the pandemic. Distance learning sucked on some level for everyone, and yet our children always had the academic and social support that have helped them thrive. Both my wife Amy and I have also been very involved in their schools and in their education, volunteering in and out of the classroom, running the PTA, and being on the school site council. 

Beatrice's summer camp leadership journey has definitely inspired me to stay involved in our community. At the beginning of summer, when she started her junior leader journey, I was contacted school district friends asking if I'd be interested running for school board in our area. At first, I wasn't sure I could make that kind of commitment with my current work-life balance; wasn't sure my lack of education background would be liability; wasn't sure if I had recovered fully from the fringe fallout I experienced when I was on the city commission for the prevention of violence against women. 

What I am sure of today is that I want the children in our public school district get the same level of individualized academic and social support they need that our children have received. They'll both be in middle school this year and still have 5+ years to go to finish high school. The superintendent of our city schools told me that public education is one of the cornerstones of democracy, and with our republic continuing to fray in the fringe, I wholeheartedly agree. So, I actually think I may run, all thanks to the leader in Bea. 

Forging Life Paths

When she was 3, we had no idea what would come from her developmental delays. Now that she's nearly 13, we're so grateful for how much she's thrived. And she's only just begun. Our oldest, Beatrice, will be going into 7th grade this fall. Mercy me -- 7th grade. After a year and a half of pandemic and mostly distance learning, except for the last two months of the school year, she did well. And for someone who dislikes math so much, she did really well. We made a big deal out of that. She, however, did not. 

Reading isn't a favorite of hers either, but graphic novels have found a home in her heart and her mind. One of her favorite authors/artists is Raina Telgemeier who wrote Smile, Guts, Drama, different iterations of The Babysitters Club (based on the novels by Ann M. Martin). Not just reading them either; she's working on multiple stories herself. She's writing her own story lines, developing characters, drawing her characters and story lines, giving them depth and back stories. She runs her stories by her mom and I, and we give her feedback and ask her questions, which helps her think through them even more. 

When our youngest Bryce was 3, she didn't have the same delays her sister had. She thrived in school from the very beginning, with math and reading being some of her favorite subjects. Science, too. It wasn't too long ago when we took the girls to the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, and Bryce was convinced she wanted to be an astronaut. Today we watched the Virgin Galactic space flight, and while Bryce has moved onto an interest in marine biology and the ocean, another unexplored space itself, I can see how she watched the Virgin Galactic livestream with curious intensity.

Bryce will be going into 5th grade this fall. Mercy me -- 5th grade. Bryce also survived the distance learning and unlike her sister is an avid reader. She loves chapter books (and graphic novels, too), and some of her current favorites are The Mysterious Benedict Society series (which I read to her at night; never gets old to read to your children), Wings and Fire series (just like my love of fantasy when I was their ages), The Magic Treehouse series, and others, as well as reading marine biology books for kids. 

Besides academics and reading, we're also so proud of how both girls have developed socially. They are good friends themselves, treating each other with empathy and respect, looking out for each other. They treat their friends the same, both sharing mutual friends and having each their own. This summer they've both gone to a daily summer camp and are now in summer school (which they both enjoy, but Bea says it's too much like school-school). They've gotten to know some of their current schoolmates better (since they weren't in person for over a year) and have also met new friends. 

They are also fiercely independent, as much as you can be when you're almost 11 and 13, and we continue to help them practice boundary setting and find their voices. Each week at our family meetings we discuss managing our emotions, providing positive support and engaging in positive communication with each other and others in our lives. 

And now Beatrice is developing her mentoring and leadership skills by wanting to work with younger kids. She's already helped as a junior leader in different after-school programs like Kids in Nature, and next year she wants to be a junior leader at the summer camp both girls attended this summer. Soon she'll help out with the little kids at another day camp a friend of ours is running. Babysitting is right around the corner too and she's already putting the word out she wants to start practicing. We're sure Bryce's leadership development isn't too far behind.

As their parents, we don't always get the leading with eyes of love right, and we're blinded by our own flash floods of bias and fear. We know the world is full of precarious canyons and cliffs, and yet, they are forging life paths for themselves with compassion and empathy we could have never imagined for ourselves when we were their age. We're so proud of them both. 

With Grit and Gumption

I loved math; I cheated at math.

It was third grade. Our teacher, Ms. Evans, a small, frail woman with rheumatoid arthritis and a really big heart (and really smart), would give us speed math quizzes every week in class. She'd had out a sheet of addition, subtraction or multiplication math problems that we'd have a few minutes to complete (I don't remember exactly how long).

We completed the speed math tests at our own desks and I used my plastic purple file folder as a privacy shield. My goal was to convince the teacher and my classmates that I didn't want any body cheating off my answers. I usually won the speed tests finishing first with impeccable accuracy and longed for the praised lauded on me each week.

But what I actually used the purple file folder for was to conceal the fact that I started answering the math problems before Ms. Evans told us to "start". Always at least a 2-3 minute jump, and always I'd finish first. I craved the praise and the approval. And the more I craved, the more I kept cheating on the math tests.

Now, why I thought my teacher, or some of my classmates even, didn't see what I was doing was the foolish self-deception of a 3rd grader. I'm sure my teacher knew. Maybe she just wanted me to build by confidence, although today behavioral economics point out that low-level, incremental cheating is a slippery slope to a much bigger negative economic impact over time. Thank goodness for me it was short-lived. I was good at math and didn't need to cheat (for acceptance and approval and status).

Decades later, our girls have learned a different math than the Mama (what I lovingly call my wife) and me learned back in our day. They've learned the "new math" -- the Eureka Math -- the math where you group instead of carrying the numbers.

Bryce does okay with the new math, but Beatrice has struggled, especially when it comes to word problems, related to her reading delays. Neither seem to have the same acceptance/approval issues I did -- I'd argue primarily because when my sister and I were that age, our home life was pretty unstable due to an abusive deadbeat dad who rarely gave us supportive love (although our mother did -- the best she could considering the circumstances), while today our girls have a very stable family environment with the Mama and me.

With Beatrice, too much academic pressure shuts her down like someone flipped off her motivation switch. It stresses her out to be tested in school, especially with both reading comprehension and math, and she struggles to finish those tests with timeliness and accuracy. So it's not apathy, it's more fear and frustration than anything. Interestingly, science, art, music and related social activities she thrives in.

The Mama has done an admirable job of keeping both girls reading and practicing math during the summer and it does help (Bryce has needed a little bit of help as well). I help as much as I can and it does make a difference working with the girls and encouraging them to learn. No matter how much they protest when it's time to "get to work."

Last year during the school year we had math night at school featuring instructors and creative exercises from an organization called Mathnasium. They both loved it and the Mama thought we'd give it a go this summer for Beatrice to take classes from Mathnasium and I concurred.

At first she was livid that we were going to make her take the classes. But once she made it through the first class and realized the fun she could have by earning rewards from the program as she learning and progressed, she's pushing herself more and less resistant to her own shortcomings.

And that's what we wanted -- for Bea to build more self-confidence incrementally, to challenge herself more and more to learn and not shut down if she's overwhelmed and stressed, even if subjects like math and reading comprehension could be continuous struggles for her.

Because it's only going to get harder, and we want them both to be able to adapt and thrive with grit and gumption in more ways than we ever dreamed growing up, without compromising their values or integrity along the way. Because that's what #BhivePower is all about.

Stigma Be Damned

"But there you give me one - another you just finished
You're my library - always open for business
But you never show it
You're just sitting with it
But I know the score, and you're killin' it
Line after line - when you're taking it in
Time after time - when you try to fit in
To some white shoes, or a blue collar..."

–Arkells, Book Club

When I picked the girls up from theater class, Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall Part 2 played from our car stereo. Really loud. Probably too loud for a responsible and respectable parent picking up their children from anything school related. Especially since they were rehearsing in a church.

"We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control..."

I quickly lowered the volume and went inside to get them. They were wrapping up another class rehearsing Trolls, a kid-friendly musical based on the popular movie.

The Mama (what I lovingly call my wife) had wanted me to help Beatrice ask the play teacher a question. Bea wanted to know what she was supposed to do after saying her line "Branch, watch out!" when the Bergen scare her.

"Go ahead, ask her," I said.

"Um, what do I do after the Bergen scares me? Fall down? Run away?" Bea asked.

The theater teacher frowned, as if maybe she'd answered this question with every kid in the play at least 1,000 times.

"You run away," the teacher said.

"Thank you."

The teacher smiled, exhausted. The girls and I got back into the car and I asked them how the class went that day.

"Good," said Bea.

"Good," said Bryce. "I really like the singing and dancing."

"Right on. Bea, are you glad you asked the teacher your question? Now you know what to do!"

"Yes," she said, smiling. "I do."

"Excellent," I said.

I turned the radio back on and Van Halen's And the Cradle Will Rock played.

"Dad, turn it back to our channel," both girls echoed. They were referring to the local pop music station. They aren't fans of Daddy's rock and roll.

Too bad. I wanted to rock.

"I will in a minute."

"Dad!"

"Fine."

Right before I turned the channel, David Lee Roth sang:

Have you seen Junior's grades? And Eddie Van Halen's guitar riffed on.

And I had recently seen their grades. That sent me reflecting on where the girls were both at in school.

For the most part, they're both doing pretty good. On most subjects, especially science. And on being social. And on being involved in extracurricular activities like sports and theater. All these things are important for their development. We're not pushing them too hard at this age, but encouraging them to try different activities besides focusing on academics.

However, Beatrice, nine years old now, continues to struggle with reading and reading comprehension. When she was three years old, we discovered she had trouble processing the information she heard in the same way as other kids because her ears and brain didn't play well together. It's called auditory processing disorder (ADP). That in turn affected the way her brain recognized and interpreted sounds and how she reacted to various stimuli -- too much stimuli always overwhelms.

We knew then that, no matter how much help she got, there would be future setbacks academically and/or socially. We just weren't sure exactly what and how prevalent they'd be.

Bryce, seven years old now, didn't have the same problem early on, although recently we worried about her reading ability, too. So, it was time to escalate the reading at home. For Bryce, it's been the recognition and pronunciation of words she should've already been getting at her age. For Beatrice, it's recently been figurative language, metaphors and similes and the like, comprehending was she had just read and able to answer questions about it. To also be able to infer meaning from phrases like "reading is as easy as pie."

We've been working on it for awhile now, with the Mama institutionalizing regular reading times for both girls. We read with them in the mornings and after school and every night before bed. We read all sorts of articles and books, have them read to us, and then for Bea ask her questions about what she read, testing her inference ability, her vocabulary and retention.

Both girls are making great progress. Bryce is reading better and pronouncing new words more readily. And as for Bea, she's much better reading and comprehending at home than at school -- literally and figuratively. We know (as does her teacher and other school specialists) that the overstimulation from a myriad of classroom inputs inundating her regularly hinders her ability to understand written instructions in class, and then she gets overwhelmed and anxious, her synapses backfiring on her. Her teachers are willing to give her auditory and visual directions in conjunction with the written word, which we know from experience will help.

Even with the progress they've made, we have no idea what will happen in the next few years, just as we didn't know what would happen when Bea was three. We do know that the pressure to excel will only increase exponentially from all directions, in addition to the stigma of struggle if and when either girl struggles to fit in. But stigma be damned; as their parents we will do whatever we have to do to give them both the tools and resources they need to improve, adapt, thrive and live their best lives.

"But I know the score, and you're killin' it
Line after line - when you're taking it in
Time after time - when you try to fit in..."