Dump Free

If I had water in my mouth, I would've sprayed it everywhere. My wife Amy and I were on our way to the 51st annual Wharf to Wharf race when she said something that cracked me up.

"After we park and walk, there will be plenty of time to use one of the porta-potties," I said. "We always have to pee before we start the race."

"Ugh. I hate the porta-potties because everybody always has to take a big ol' dump before the race, and then I get that one."

God, that was funny, because she's also not wrong. I seem to find those, too. I guess we don't have to look down when we enter a porta-potty, but we always do. (I'll bet you do it, too.)

The Wharf to Wharf Race is a super-fun annual10K race that goes from the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk to the Capitola Wharf and usually attracts over 15,000 people. The race donates proceeds to Santa Cruz County youth sports and running programs. We've done it for many years together, and I think I've participated in it myself for 15 years now (the earliest I documented the race here was the 2nd year I ran it in 2008). I ran this 10K race until 2014, because that's when I hurt my knee and couldn't run or walk it that year (I had knee surgery that year). 

After that we mostly walked the race each year. During the covid years when there was no in-person race, we did our own 6-mile hikes and tracked them on their app. We did try to run again a little last year for the big 50th year, but that was rough on my legs. This year, we walked. One of the fun parts of the race is that there are live bands and other musical groups sprinkled throughout the race route. Good times! 

After we parked downtown and walked to the Boardwalk before the Wharf to Wharf race started, we approached the infamous porta-potties. I smiled thinking about Amy's "everybody always has to take a big ol' dump before the race" comment in the car.

"You know, they should have dump-only porta-potties," Amy said. 

I chuckled. "Yes, and pee-only ones, too."

We laughed and stood staring at the dozens of porta-potties for a few seconds. So many people and so many dumps, I thought. 

"I'm going to go," I said. "What about you?"

Amy looked at them and said, "Yes, I guess I'll go." 

Afterwards, as we headed to the race starting area, I gave her a big smile. 

"Any dumps in yours?" I asked.

"No! Dump free! What about you?"

"Same!"

And then we were off to start another Wharf the Wharf race. Good times!

The Poop Completion Principle

At the door I paused. Is it safe? I thought. Will it be clear? Will it be fresh?

It was a one in three shot in this house, finding a clean one to visit. The good news is that we keep them clean with regularity, me being the latest scrubber and wiper-downer. 

I crept into the bathroom, not sensing anything unusual, no pungent smells assaulting my nostrils or watering my eyes. As I inched closer to the toilet, my confidence level increased that all would be well in the #BhivePower world.

Thank good--

Before I could finish my thought, I had made it to the eggshell white abyss and peered into its watery bowl. There it was in all its normal functional glory: poop.

Noooooooooo!!!

"Hey, who didn't flush the toilet?!?" I yelled.

No response. I knew the girls were in the living room playing. 

"Who didn't flush?" echoed the Mama.

Still nothing; the girls were playing pet adoption with their stuffed animals.

"Who didn't flush the toilet?!?"

"How big is the poop?" answered Beatrice finally.

"Does it matter?"

"Then it was Bryce."

Sigh. Of course is was the other. It's always one or the other. Much more Bryce these days than Bea, but still...

Months and months if not more of potty training to get them the tipping point of poop-wipe-flush-wash. But the flushing part? Not so much. Yes, we're still in a drought in California even with the El Niño storms, and the old adage "when it's yellow let it mellow, but when it's brown flush it down" has always been one we've practiced, drought or no drought.

The flushing is a struggle because of the noise outside of the home. Beatrice has always been noise sensitive and those industrial toilets in schools, businesses and other locales can frighten even those wearing ear plugs or ear muffs. They are really friggin' loud. Like blasting the waste into another universe via a porcelain wormhole.

Bryce is also sensitive to it, but she's just not as hip to the poop completion principle, not always wiping and usually never flushing. Washing hands are intermittent as well, but Beatrice is really good about that these days.

Wiping correctly takes a while and any parent who does the family laundry can attest to that. Mercy me, even in adulthood it's a struggle sometimes, but at least we've got most of the traditional peeing, pooping, wiping, flushing and washing hands in a sustainable cadence. With the only exceptions being if you're camping, having to use holes in the ground of bathrooms (Mama and I have seen a few of those in our travels), an astronaut (and those are very expensive holes), and unfortunately living in poverty and third-world squalor. 

Fortunately we're in good potty shape overall. It'll take practice and patience with Bryce, but eventually she'll get there. And at least I've got a fun activity waiting for me when I get there as well.

[Flush!]