Be Here Now

As we walked to our local farmers’ market, I told my father-in-law about how I think I hurt my right leg recently. “Well, as the expression goes,” I said, “I’m no spring chicken anymore.”

“No, we’re not,” he said.

“It’s the same when Amy pulled her hamstring,” I said. “We just can’t do the same things we used to do. Moving furniture, running, the list goes on.”

He nodded and added, “But I still want to do the things I can do and be here now.”

“Amen,” I said.

Be here now. That rang the old gong in my aged head for the rest of the day. He’s had his own health issues including partial knee replacements. But I still want to do the things I can, he had said. That also rang the gong for some time afterward.

I definitely still want to do the things that I can, but he reality of age and body parts deteriorating is here. Has already been here for years. In August 2014, I had knee surgery due to a torn meniscus and disintegrated cartilage in my right knee. Ugh. This after actually hitting a personal best of a 8.5-minute mile at age 48. Not bad for a big old ex-smoker with two young children. 

Ah, yes. Two young children. The two children we didn't want to have until we did that we're so grateful for. I was 42 when we had our oldest Beatrice. 44 when we had Bryce. My wife Amy is six years younger than me, so she was still in her 30's when she had our daughters. I read that the average age of first-time mothers in America today is now up from 21 to 26, while for fathers, it's increased from 27 to 31, so we both skewed that average. But there are a growing number of people waiting longer to have kids for whatever reason (finances, jobs, changing minds like us, etc.). 

Knowing that I'd be a much older father of two children didn't really bother me until now. Only because of what I outlined above -- my body can't do what it used to do. Even after coaching both girls in soccer for six years that included me running around with the the teams, changing directions quickly, and kicking the soccer balls back and forth. I felt good. I could do it then. Not so much now. 

We have family and friends dealing with debilitating illnesses, paralysis, and more, and so Amy and I are very grateful that we're relatively healthy and are able to keep ourselves in good shape with regular exercise. However, we are more easily injured these days and it takes a lot longer to recuperate. It doesn't change the fact that we live our lives fully, but it does mean we have to be more realistic with what we choose to do and how we do it. 

Which is why we want to remain relatively healthy (as much as we can control) and keep ourselves in good shape for us and our children, now 12 and almost 14 years old. Not just physically healthy, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Those latter two things can break as well and I'll be way north of 60 when they're in their 20's. Which is why we exercise them all regularly. Why we're always pushing ourselves to learn and grow. Why I started drumming at age 56. Why Amy is an avid puzzle person. Why we meditate every day. 

I heard a great quote from Florida Scott-Maxwell, a playwright, author, and psychologist who said:

"You need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality."

It took some time for me, but that's how Amy and I live our lives; we embrace all the things that we've been and done; all the ups and downs and aches and strains and pleasures and pains; we are fierce with reality. Our daughters have benefited from that, will benefit from that, and we hope will live their lives that way in their 20's and beyond, especially after we're both long gone. 

Again, my father-in-law's words keep banging the gong in my head: I still want to do the things I can do and be here now.

Be here now, fierce with reality. Always. 

With My Own Two Hands

I took woodshop in 7th grade. I don't remember exactly why I took woodshop in 7th grade, but maybe it was because my dad worked with wood and built furniture, toys, and other gifts. He was definitely inspiring over the years with all the things he built. Our home garage was full of table saws, and circular saws, and jigsaws, and so many other saws and routers and so many other woodworking tools. 

So, I took woodshop. And I made a cabinet. An actual working cabinet with shelves and hinged doors. I stained it, too. I used that cabinet for decades. Painted over it more than once. I wanted to refinish it at some point but haven't got to it yet. May never get to it, but I still have it and use it in our garage. And I made it with my own hands. 

I never really did any woodworking after 7th grade, and over the years I never really picked up anything else like it, meaning another trade of similar sorts. Drum playing more recently, yes, but that's not the same thing. I've built things and put things together and tried to fix broken things. We originally did the backyard ourselves when we bought the house. We replaced a garbage disposal, too, so there's that, but anything else above my pay grade as I like to joke, well, was above my pay grade. Somebody else had to help no matter how much Amy thought we could figure it out and do it ourselves (and many times she was right, I'll give her that). 

Recently we started doing home improvement projects. After living here for 16 years, it was time to do some things. Stuff we've talked about for a few years and we finally started doing them. New flooring to replace tired carpet for starters and the list goes on. We also hired a renovation professional who's installing a window and doing some other projects for us, and who knows what the hell he's doing for sure. 

I on the other hand, do not. I really wanted to paint a few walls with a new color in our living space, and convinced Amy we should do it, something we've never done before. I've never really painted much in my lifetime, maybe touch-ups here and there, but never full walls, trim, etc. My wife Amy and I, and our kids, checked out many different color swatches and went back and forth between lighter and darker. Our oldest Beatrice liked the darker colors, but our youngest Bryce wanted a lighter one. Amy and I settled on darker one in the end, kind of a terra cotta, orangy-reddish-brownish color. 

At first, I was confident I could do it, that I could paint just the designated four walls we picked out over one weekend. I taped off the ceiling and the baseboards and laid drop cloths down where I'd be painting. Then I started to paint. I had to paint up high and in awkward places, too, and it went smoothly for the most part. But once I removed the painter tape, I realized painting clean lines on textured walls ain't easy. The much harder part was trying to fix all the places that looked off, and that was a pain in the butt for sure. No matter how much I tried to clean up the lines, when you look closely, they're still off. 

My attempt at painting only four walls in our house got me thinking about people who have actual trade skills -- carpenters, electricians, plumbers, heating and air conditioning technicians, and so many others. And painters, of course. 

I've always respected those who trained in a trade, learned specialized skills, and made a profession out of it, and a living as well (and for some, a pretty good one with so many trade skills in demand today). We've had family and friends who have helped us out because of the trade skills they know. Even those hobbyists like my dad and his woodworking. Sometimes I wonder if I missed out on not learning a hands-on trade for a career. I'll tell you this, if our daughters ever wanted to learn a trade, I am all for it. 

For now, I'm exhausted from painting only four walls in our house, and if you don't look too closely, it doesn't look too bad. Amy and our daughters said they liked it, even though Bryce still thinks it's too dark. 

Sigh. That still made me smile, though, because I did it with my own two hands, and they watched me do it and encouraged me the entire way. 

The First Day Every Day

The first day of school was always awesome for me. Fresh off a hot summer break, wearing new clothes that our mom scrimped and saved for (put on law-away for many years early on), sporting a new hair cut, catching up with old friends, meeting new ones, seeing old favorite teachers, meeting new ones, and all the learning.

Yes, all the learning. I always loved the learning. Still love the learning. 

And the obligatory first-day-of-school picture. My sister and I took them out front of our house every year before we braved day one, and we've done the same with our children since nearly day one. 

No matter how exciting it was, apprehension never failed to arrive. Being nervous for day one was normal and the night before brought little sleep. But after the first week of back to school, I always settled into it, even after the bigger transitions of going into junior high and then high school. 

And now after a #BhivePower summer of camps and leadership, our kids are together in middle school. This is one of those transitions that our oldest Beatrice had a much different experience with, since her first year in middle school was all distance learning during COVID-19. It sucked and was a blessing at the same time, but then came 7th grade, and one of the biggest stressors for Bea was remembering her locker combination (which she did).

Now Bryce transitions into middle school and has her big sister there to help her if needed. Bryce was definitely nervous the night before, and Bea was anxious too (just like I was back in the day). The week before they couldn't wait to get their schedules and to know the teachers they'd get. In fact, once their schedules started to come out online, that's all we kept hearing about -- the good, the disappointing, and the unknown. After the first few days of school, both kids are settling in nicely. Bryce was stressed like her sister about remembering the locker combination, which she didn't have a problem with either, but poor Bea was the one who had a jammed locker on day one and had to get a new one. Bummer.

The first day of school is always awesome for our kids and we wouldn't want it any other way. We're grateful for the public education they’ve had over the years and for what's to come. They've had caring teachers, empathic friendships, and no bullying to date. If only it could be like the first day every day in life today. No worries except for locker combinations and class schedules, and looking forward to seeing old friends and meeting new ones. Blessings for all the first days. 

The Leader in Bea

As Bryce and I approached Beatrice's camp, I could hear the accolades from the camp staff and the remaining campers. It was the last day of summer day camp for the season and Beatrice received high-fives and hugs from everyone. I could feel a proud smile grow big on my face. She had been a junior leader volunteer for the summer working with younger kids seven to eight years old and she loved every minute of it. And they loved every minute of her. 

This was something she wanted to do all year since being a camper at last summer's day camp. Back in early May of this year, I remember the video interview she did to become a junior leader. She was stressed prior to the interview, but she was so confident and calm during it. Just like her younger sister was when she spoke to her 5th graduating class at the end of May. 

Beatrice will definitely be a junior leader again and wants to be part of the staff in a couple of years. We're proud to be raising such confident and empathic leaders. Kids who have been part of a public school system that has served them well. That's not always the case in other places throughout America, and the system buckled and broken further during the pandemic, which has led to frustrated and angry parents, teachers, and administrators. 

Parents of varying socioeconomic backgrounds who have looked for alternatives like home schooling or school voucher programs that gives parents a choice of possible private school programs (if they can afford to supplement the cost not covered by their current public funding). Teachers and administrators who have looked for alternate professionals, completely burnt out by the constant harassment from frustrated and angry parents, and especially from the fringe political perspectives fueled by misinformation and outright lies. 

I can't and won't speak for the parents who've struggled with their children's education elsewhere because we haven't had those same experiences, but I will say we're so grateful for all the wonderful and caring teachers, support staff, and administrators we've had over the past 10+ years of public school to date, especially during the pandemic. Distance learning sucked on some level for everyone, and yet our children always had the academic and social support that have helped them thrive. Both my wife Amy and I have also been very involved in their schools and in their education, volunteering in and out of the classroom, running the PTA, and being on the school site council. 

Beatrice's summer camp leadership journey has definitely inspired me to stay involved in our community. At the beginning of summer, when she started her junior leader journey, I was contacted school district friends asking if I'd be interested running for school board in our area. At first, I wasn't sure I could make that kind of commitment with my current work-life balance; wasn't sure my lack of education background would be liability; wasn't sure if I had recovered fully from the fringe fallout I experienced when I was on the city commission for the prevention of violence against women. 

What I am sure of today is that I want the children in our public school district get the same level of individualized academic and social support they need that our children have received. They'll both be in middle school this year and still have 5+ years to go to finish high school. The superintendent of our city schools told me that public education is one of the cornerstones of democracy, and with our republic continuing to fray in the fringe, I wholeheartedly agree. So, I actually think I may run, all thanks to the leader in Bea. 

This Renovation Adventure

I took last week off of writing because my wife Amy and I ran (mostly walked and stopped for free tacos) the 50th annual Wharf to Wharf race. First time since 2019 that it was in person and over 14,000 people participated. It was a fantastic community event that again raised money for local youth running programs.

But that's not what this piece is about. Because it was right after that when we had to finish prepping the house for new floors, which began a renovation adventure. We're grateful to have this house we've lived in for over 16 years, and up until this week, still had the original carpeting.

That was a few years longer than I would've liked, but we've always taken care of our house as it was "out of the box" as they say. It was in a new housing development when we bought, at a time when we weren't going to have children, and soon enough that changed. And then there was a lot of history in our original carpeting -- from our daughters and their friends crawling, playing on it, and falling down; to a variety of spills and splatters; to allergy-driving dirt and dog hair. 

The carpet was everywhere in our house, except for the entryway and the kitchen and our bathrooms. We kept it pretty clean over the years, steam cleaning periodically, but after the 10th year it began to look tired, especially in the high-traffic areas, and even being a shoes-off-in-the-house family. That's when I started to work on Amy. But at that time, she wasn't having it and reminded me how good it still looked compared to other neighbors with kids over the years, where their carpets looked like zombie kill zones from The Walking Dead. 

But ours just kept getting more tired, and the steam cleaning didn't really help anymore. And after 16 years of living, it was time. Not only did I get Amy onboard with new flooring, we're doing a few other projects as well (thank you home equity, when only 12 years earlier we almost walked away from the house after the Great Recession). 

We started the process of looking at new flooring, faux hardwood vinyl that's durable and easy to keep clean. We made it a family affair as well, bringing home flooring samples for our kids to help us pick what might look the best. We picked out our style and scheduled the project. 

The day after the Wharf to Wharf, the flooring crew came and in the first day, the old carpet was completely removed and our furniture askew. I thought, that was quick. This should go faster than what the salesperson told us. 

Not exactly. I mean, I knew it was going to be a lot of work, putting in an entirely new floor into most of the house, but it was a lot, lot more work. As I always like to joke, this work was way above my pay grade; renovation and construction are nowhere near my vocational wheelhouse. After the carpet was gone, there was a lot of floor prepping that had to be done. There was an entirely new secondary floor they had to lay prior to installing the hardwood vinyl. 

We had to adapt to keep our dog and rabbit safe and sound during the construction, to keep working from home as Amy and I do, and to keep living from home as best we could. Compared to the dumpster fire the world around us can be, this new flooring project wasn't so bad, but the sawing, vacuuming, sanding, hammering, nail gunning, and more got a little mind-bending at times. Thankfully the girls were at summer camp all week during the day. What was supposed to take 3-4 days slipped to 6, but it got done. And if wasn't for a plumbing emergency elsewhere, the downstairs bathroom would've been reassembled, so that part we have a few more days to wait for. 

For the most part, this renovation adventure is done, and we love it!

Except our tween Bryce. "Bryce, how do you like it?"

"I don't."

"What do you mean? You helped us pick it out."

"Well, it's okay, but I'll hurt myself if I fall."

Sigh. It's not like the old carpet was a bouncy house, I thought. Or maybe it was.

Well, at least our dog Jenny approves. I think. 

The Possibilities of Prevention

"Was she asking for it?
Was she asking nice?
Did she ask you for it?
Did she ask you twice?"

–Hole, Asking For It

I saw a social media meme that talked about how we tell our children told not to talk to strangers in person or online, not to get into cars with strangers, and yet today as adults, we order rides on our mobile phones and get into cars with strangers. 

Funny, not funny, because it is exactly what we do. I've used ride shares for years now while traveling for work and even at home sometimes. We've used them as a family when traveling, too. My wife Amy brought up ride shares as well because she knows someone who shares their ride share mobile app with their kids, teenagers, so they can book rides when they need them. That prompted a conversation between us about it, because while we don't judge other parents for doing this, we're both uncomfortable with it. Although we've empowered our kids to be safe by practicing safety skills learned from Kidpower, we don't want our teenagers taking rides with strangers without us. 

Nothing's ever happened to us when using these ride services. Quite the contrary; I've met some very nice people who drive for Uber and Lyft, who are just trying to make a living or some part-time money. But, there have been documented cases of drivers who assault their passengers. 

A new suit just filed in SF County Superior Court has 550 women claiming they were “kidnapped, sexually assaulted, sexually battered, raped, falsely imprisoned, stalked, harassed, or otherwise attacked” by their Uber drivers, and the law firm claims another 150 more women may join the suit.

Jesus. And this isn't new either. These allegations have been going on for a few years. Again, we've never experienced anything like this while using ride sharing services, and we never want to put our daughters into a situation where it could happen. 

But this isn't just a women's issue. Should never be just a women's issue. According to Dr. Jackson Katz, a leading academic and activist on gender-based violence and co-founder of Mentors in Violence Prevention:

“Men commit 99 per cent of rapes. Why is rape a women’s issue? Why do we use passive language about men’s violence? We ask, ‘How many women were raped last year?’ rather than, ‘How many men raped women last year?"

Exactly. Rape culture normalizes violence against women, children, and many others who are marginalized in societies around the world. It drives political agendas. It is excused by media and entertainment. It's so institutionalized and protected by patriarchy that decades go by while millions are raped and assaulted. Like Olympic gymnasts. Like the Boy Scouts. Like young boys and girls in the Catholic and Southern Baptist churches. Like Uber riders. Like spouses, significant others, and countless others. 

I've been a domestic violence and sexual assault awareness advocate for a long time, and the toxic masculinity that has fueled patriarchal control for thousands of years is still quite alive and well in 2022. It's so pervasive that even when there's momentum in dealing with abusive men, the very people who still support those men no matter what turn on those they were supposed to help. I see it happen over and over again. I was also caught up in it three years ago when I served on city commission to help prevent violence against women. Sadly I let it take a toll on my psyche and stepped back from directly volunteering to help. 

That's changing again for me. With our daughters growing up, and with violence against women (and children) still prevalent in every corner of the globe, I have to speak up and again be part of the solution.  Nobody's ever asking for it. Rape culture just wants you to believe they are, or to believe they're lying about it, so it will give men who perpetrate a pass do it again and again. Thankfully there are more men speaking up and standing up to rape culture and patriarchy, with all sorts of organizations around the world enlisting men and women to change societal norms that encourage this cycle of violence. 

Nobody's ever asking for it, so I'm asking for the possibilities of prevention.

Almost Gridless

As we hiked up to the falls, I imagined what it would be like to live off the grid in our trailer camper. Away from most people, politics, and all the polarization of today. Away from all things work and day-to-day responsibilities. Away from most everything. Except when we needed gas, food, and other staples. 

By choice of course, not because we had to if we were experiencing homelessness, or if we were running from the law. Then I thought of the Paul Theroux novel The Mosquito Coast where the main character takes his family to the Honduran jungle to try to live a purer utopian lifestyle with this family, which didn’t happen. But I'm also not a crazy inventor who would put his family in such danger. 

And then I thought of Roger Water’s album The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking, about a man dreaming about his midlife crisis and his crazy attempt of saving his family by moving to the wilderness, but that was another Conrad Heart of Darkness journey that wasn’t what I had in mind. 

I like the idea of it, though. Of living off the grid. A more positive living experience than the examples above. To travel to places we’ve never been, to see wonderful new sights and hike and have amazing (and safe) new adventures. I’d write my great American novel, practice drumming on my practice pad, and read all the time. We’d still need the internet so our children could distance learn. My wife Amy could still work if she wanted and/or just read to her heart’s content and meditate. Maybe she could write her own self-help mindful presence parenting guide. 

However, like the examples above, it may take an unhappy turn (or two) along the way. Our daughters especially would miss all their friends, their devices, their school, and the all the other creature comforts of where we live now. Plus, the reality that Amy and I aren’t ready for retirement yet would also keep my dream of living off the grid just a dream. 

I’m not even sure I’d want to do it full-time either, no matter how much I liked the idea of it, as steep hike up to the falls continued. Our kids weren’t happy about the hike anyway. They never are when it comes to hiking. Thankfully we were with some dear family who live near Clearwater Falls in Oregon where we were hiking to and that kept them motivated. 

It’s Nature’s ride as I wrote recently, the off-the-grid payoff that keeps us all coming back, though, no matter how much the kids dislike hiking. We made it to the end of the trail where the final fenced off observation area was and we stood there in awe watching the water spill over the cliff’s edge. It raced to the rocky river below and the waterfall spray washed over us like a light rain. 

When the rest of our group headed back down the trail, our oldest daughter Beatrice and I wanted to stay for a bit longer. Together we watched the water dance as it fell, and in that moment, there was no other place on earth I wanted to be. And if these are the moments that are almost gridless, peacefully away from most everything, I’ll embrace them every time.