The Possibilities of Prevention

"Was she asking for it?
Was she asking nice?
Did she ask you for it?
Did she ask you twice?"

–Hole, Asking For It

I saw a social media meme that talked about how we tell our children told not to talk to strangers in person or online, not to get into cars with strangers, and yet today as adults, we order rides on our mobile phones and get into cars with strangers. 

Funny, not funny, because it is exactly what we do. I've used ride shares for years now while traveling for work and even at home sometimes. We've used them as a family when traveling, too. My wife Amy brought up ride shares as well because she knows someone who shares their ride share mobile app with their kids, teenagers, so they can book rides when they need them. That prompted a conversation between us about it, because while we don't judge other parents for doing this, we're both uncomfortable with it. Although we've empowered our kids to be safe by practicing safety skills learned from Kidpower, we don't want our teenagers taking rides with strangers without us. 

Nothing's ever happened to us when using these ride services. Quite the contrary; I've met some very nice people who drive for Uber and Lyft, who are just trying to make a living or some part-time money. But, there have been documented cases of drivers who assault their passengers. 

A new suit just filed in SF County Superior Court has 550 women claiming they were “kidnapped, sexually assaulted, sexually battered, raped, falsely imprisoned, stalked, harassed, or otherwise attacked” by their Uber drivers, and the law firm claims another 150 more women may join the suit.

Jesus. And this isn't new either. These allegations have been going on for a few years. Again, we've never experienced anything like this while using ride sharing services, and we never want to put our daughters into a situation where it could happen. 

But this isn't just a women's issue. Should never be just a women's issue. According to Dr. Jackson Katz, a leading academic and activist on gender-based violence and co-founder of Mentors in Violence Prevention:

“Men commit 99 per cent of rapes. Why is rape a women’s issue? Why do we use passive language about men’s violence? We ask, ‘How many women were raped last year?’ rather than, ‘How many men raped women last year?"

Exactly. Rape culture normalizes violence against women, children, and many others who are marginalized in societies around the world. It drives political agendas. It is excused by media and entertainment. It's so institutionalized and protected by patriarchy that decades go by while millions are raped and assaulted. Like Olympic gymnasts. Like the Boy Scouts. Like young boys and girls in the Catholic and Southern Baptist churches. Like Uber riders. Like spouses, significant others, and countless others. 

I've been a domestic violence and sexual assault awareness advocate for a long time, and the toxic masculinity that has fueled patriarchal control for thousands of years is still quite alive and well in 2022. It's so pervasive that even when there's momentum in dealing with abusive men, the very people who still support those men no matter what turn on those they were supposed to help. I see it happen over and over again. I was also caught up in it three years ago when I served on city commission to help prevent violence against women. Sadly I let it take a toll on my psyche and stepped back from directly volunteering to help. 

That's changing again for me. With our daughters growing up, and with violence against women (and children) still prevalent in every corner of the globe, I have to speak up and again be part of the solution.  Nobody's ever asking for it. Rape culture just wants you to believe they are, or to believe they're lying about it, so it will give men who perpetrate a pass do it again and again. Thankfully there are more men speaking up and standing up to rape culture and patriarchy, with all sorts of organizations around the world enlisting men and women to change societal norms that encourage this cycle of violence. 

Nobody's ever asking for it, so I'm asking for the possibilities of prevention.