The Act of Simply Doing

Oh, how I dreaded it. The long walk up a driveway or a walkway to the front door. I'd park my bike on the sidewalk and approach a porch imagining so much ridicule and shame coming my way once they'd open the door. I felt that way going to every home on my paper route to collect their monthly newspaper fees. 

Most of the time was without negative incident. They'd either be home and respond pleasantly getting me cash or writing a check, or they wouldn't be home. Sometimes I'd get a scolding about throwing their newspaper into the bushes or the front yard and not right on their front porch in front of their door. Sometimes I had to go back multiple times to collect when they weren't home (or they saw me coming and didn't want to pay). 

It was my first job at 12 years old. I enjoyed the newspaper delivery part most of the time, but not the collection part. Also, the early Saturday mornings folding, banding, and delivering the papers weren't all that fun either, but the reward was worth it. A little money and after Saturday delivery, fresh donuts and a Coke as a treat. 

The collecting of payments was an anxiety-filled drag. I didn't have the job for very long, but I'll never forget it either. Through all that stress, there were some important communication and persistence skills I learned at a young age. Asking people for money isn't easy, even when they owe it to you, especially for a 12-year-old.

Decades later, it's hard to watch your own kids stress about new life experiences, and the fear of putting themselves out there and then failing and being ridiculed and shamed is a difficult rite of passage for many kids and teens (and adults). For our youngest Bryce who's now 12, the angst was over trying out for a youth theater production of Beauty and the Beast. She had never done anything like this before where there were auditions being held and she actually had to try out for a role. Her anxiety was palatable, but after she got through the initial auditions, she really started to enjoy it. In fact, now she's loving all the rehearsals, the learning, the singing, and the dancing with a new found confidence. We can't wait to see the production!

More recently for Beatrice, who's now 14, the angst was over marketing herself to babysit. She took an online course, passed, and I then helped her put her first resume together for her. After getting the word out that she's ready to babysit, a friend gave her a paid practice run, but afterwards she got no other bites, which was another stressor. The hurry-up-and-wait time added up -- until finally she got the call for a babysitting gig (a text to her and her mom actually). She wanted to do it, but was apprehensive, and went back and forth about it. She also worried about making mistakes and her mom and I told her the only way to learn is to do it. And she did do it and did just fine. 

The stress-relieving catch phrase for both girls has been, "But they're going to throw rotten tomatoes at me," whether that's about trying out for theater, babysitting, presenting in class, etc. How they heard that expression, we have no idea. It's an old expression that refers to the practice of throwing tomatoes at bad performers going back to the early 1900s. Nobody throws rotten tomatoes anymore, at least, not literally.

Put yourselves out there, kids. Take risks, face your fears, stretch, learn, fail, and try again. Do it all. Sometimes the greatest success is in the act of simply doing. And that cumulative success of doing can empower self-confidence for a lifetime.

The Choice of Chance

"We go out in the world and take our chances

Fate is just the weight of circumstances

That's the way that Lady Luck dances

Roll the bones..."

—Rush, Roll the Bones

We hadn't even been drinking when we blew the stop sign. Up until that moment, we had just been driving around, cruising the main drag, listening to music, and talking about girls. For us, it was normal guy teen time in high school. 

My best friend and I decided to hang out with another friend one Friday night who had a pretty sweet old Mustang. He was in the passenger seat and I was in the back seat. After driving around for maybe an hour, we headed to 7-11 to get Big Gulps and other snacks. As we drove along a side street, our Mustang friend accelerated quickly. That wasn't unusual for any of us at the time when we'd decide to hit the gas and flex our testosterone a bit. 

But this time we weren't very far from a main artery in town, a four-lane avenue that usually had regular traffic at all times including later at night when we were driving around. He hit the gas and didn't let up as we headed to the intersection of the main avenue. I remember us cussing and yelling at him to stop -- and then we blew the stop sign. 

We thought we were going to die a horrible death. Unbelievably there were no other cars near us when we ran the stop sign, but when we got to the other side of the main avenue, our friend driving screeched to a stop, laughing hysterically. That was enough for us, though. Both my best friend and I were all done and demanded to go home. 

Teen risk is a ubiquitous rite of passage that transcends generations. It's a big part of the teen brain two-step of growing up and tripping over itself, hopefully learning and growing along the way. I was a conservatively safe kid and still took more risks than I'd like to admit, including those that were seemingly out of my control like the above example. 

When we were first dating and getting to know each other, my wife Amy and I both commiserated over our own risky teen behavior (and beyond teenage-land) that included sex, alcohol, drugs, dangerous driving and other dangerous activities (like jumping off our roof into the swimming pool), and the list goes on. Now that we have teens, we definitely have revisited these memories, the scary ones and those we remember fondly, no matter how much in danger life and limb were. 

For the past two years, even prior to teenage-land, our kids call us the safetyists. They think we're overly concerned with their emotional, psychological, and physical safety, and that we worry too much. And they're right; these are normal parent-teen time discussions we have every week during our family meetings. 

When it comes to risky behavior, teens have a different level of risk assessment than adults do (although adults don't do a great job at times either). Roll the dice and let's go! We'll be okay! Teen brains are still developing and decision-making is a work in progress for sure.

It's true that there's no reward without risk and risk without consequence is no risk at all. However, the realities of visceral life-changing consequence come from experience, something teens don't have a lot of, which is why we review safety plans with ours every week.

Does that mean we don't want them taking chances in life? Of course not. However, it's the choice of chance that makes all the difference. 

Magically Elastic

She picked up the tea bag and painted the blank page with it.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

Our oldest child, Beatrice, deftly swept the tea bag back and forth across the paper. "A special project," she said.

"Are you painting with the tea bag?" I asked rhetorically. Of course that was what she was doing.

"Yes, I am."

"Very cool."

She then explained to me how once the paper dried, she would pour rice onto the paper and trace around whatever shapes it made. 

"What's it going to be?" 

Bea smiled. "I'll show you later."

I couldn't wait. She's been into art since she was little and has become quite the artist. Yes, that's easy for me to say, being her proud father who loves her and who is biased, but she really has a unique eye. Nearly every day after school she's sketching and drawing, and nearly every night before bed she's sketching and drawing. She prefers pencil and ink, but has worked in different mediums over the years. 

She recently drew a self-portrait, which I wish I could share, but she didn't want me to. She beautifully captured the awkward unsureness of a teenager, while at the same time, a calm and confident determination centered inside the adolescent maelstrom. That is one thing we've worked hard to help instill in both our daughters, and it really did emanate from her self-portrait.

Back to her latest artwork -- she poured rice onto the dried tea-stained paper and traced the seemingly random shapes the rice created on the page. 

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Something," Bea said.

I couldn't wait to see what she'd do with it, although I did ask her not to make a mess, and to clean up the ultimate mess she would make. C'mon, I'm Dad. 

Beatrice finished her latest piece of artwork and shared it. It was an imaginative map of a fantastical land, something I used to do after reading Lord of the Rings when I was her age. Except hers came from a spontaneous idea of drawing random shapes around rice on paper and then making it all up in her head. 

Creative learning and expression are so important to our family. Especially through music, art, and meditation. Both Beatrice and her sister Bryce love art. Bryce is also now in musical theater and loving it. Amy is an avid puzzle person and meditates regularly to keep her brain and spirit sound and in shape. I meditate as well along with drumming. These learning quests began in earnest during the first year of the pandemic and haven't let up.

That's because creative learning through music, art, and meditation helps us all process life and map its endless possibilities, even when it seems like there aren't many. These mental maps are the creative expressions from learning and experience that empower us keep us magically elastic and living our best lives. Our latest meditative mantra was also "my life unfolds in divine order." Amen to that. Keep the maps coming, Beatrice. 

When the Tooth Fairy Flees

It's creepy when you think about it. The fact that we put our children's teeth under their pillow, and then overnight as they sleep, the Tooth Fairy leaves them a small reward, usually monetary, replacing their teeth. This as a reward for eventually getting their big kid teeth. 

Based on some quick research, cultural traditions like the Tooth Fairy have evolved over the years. In the 13th century, there was a Norse and Northern European tradition of tand-fé or tooth fee, which was paid when a child lost their first tooth. In the Norse culture, children's teeth and other articles belonging to children were said to bring good luck in battle, and Scandinavian warriors hung children's teeth on a string around their necks.

Creepy. And most historians believe that the tradition of ‘trading’ baby teeth for money or treats could link back to an 18th-century story in France, La Bonne Petite Souris (The Little Mouse).

Also of levity note, our kids used to watch a funny cartoon called Teen Titans (based on the DC comics Teen Titans), and there was a villainess character on it called the Tooth Fairy. Literally the Tooth Fairy with an creepy voice who would steal people's teeth and eat them for food. Both gross and super creepy.

Today, it's rite of passage ritual that remains for kids heading toward adulthood. I remember getting a quarter for each tooth I put under my pillow, and today our kids have gotten and get $1-$2 per tooth. What a creepy racket. Our oldest Beatrice is all done with losing teeth and having braces now (besides maybe wisdom teeth someday), but Bryce was later to the party to lose her molars. Developmentally she's still in the window of losing teeth, just later than Beatrice did. Multiple teeth in the past few months have come out and she's got a little dough in her hands. 

Kids are proud when they loose their teeth. "Look Mom and Dad" they tell us when one comes out, holding it up proudly as if they found a gold nugget. Which in a sense it is for them. Because Bryce is a little older than Bea was when she lost her remaining teeth, it's harder to pull off the Tooth Fairy. We know that they know that we're the Tooth Fairy, but like many other myths we teach our children, they want to hold onto childhood as long as possible. We don't blame them; I know I still hold onto mine. 

But it is harder to pull off the Tooth Fairy because both our kids are staying up later. Slipping the cash under the pillow unseen is a tough gig, one that Mom can still nimbly do. Until she forgets (and I'm no help). The latest Bryce tooth remained unpaid under the pillow the next morning, but Bryce didn't say anything until after school the next day.

"Mom, the Tooth Fairy didn't come," Bryce said. 

"Oh, we'll have to try again," Mom said.

"My friends told me we should just leave it on the kitchen table and try that," Bryce said.

"Good idea."

So that's what we did, we left her tooth on the table this time, no matter how much creepier that was than leaving it under her pillow. And presto -- two bucks were left on the table for Bryce the next morning. She was happy and we were happy. 

As adults, we do what we can to keep our grown-up teeth, because there's no payout for losing them later in life. There's only lots of dental work and ultimately false teeth or implants that'll cost us big time. No help from the Tooth Fairy here. That's all we get. 

In the meantime, we thought about buying Bryce out for the rest of her baby teeth, but then that's when the Tooth Fairy flees. Instead, we'll give her a few more payouts until that time, to keep the magic alive a little bit longer.