Responsible parenting and leadership are a start. In between reaching for the sky (Toy Story rocks).

Screw the darkness. I prefer the lightness of Pop.

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Daddy K files: Happy baby poop face morphs

It's time for Fatherhood Friday and this time I made it on Friday. Fatherhood Friday is hip place at for dads and moms to share stories, ideas, photos and movies with one topic in mind – fatherhood.

It wouldn't be new parenting with poop. Lots and lots of poop. I originally posted The Daddy K files: The sugar-and-spice myth debunked last November and now there's a frightening addendum.

Recently on some news radio show, I heard that women may be dirtier than men – i.e., they have more strains of bacteria on their skin than men do.

I was floored. I had to pull over and hyperventilate. Actually that was because I had arrived at work and had to go inside. And work.

I'm not sure if the sugar-and-spice myth is cross-cultural, but this anthropology minor has always been fascinated by it. Growing up, girls were ethereal and angelic. Even the anomalies of tom boys fell into a "not of this world" category. Anatomically speaking, girls were as seamless and smooth as the Barbie's we observed with scientific fascination (while we giggled obsessively at the curves and valleys).

Bathrooms were for boys to do their dirty business, but solely for the beautification of girls. In fact, I believed the rumor that public women's restrooms in restaurants, hotels and elsewhere were nothing more than elegant buffets and glittery lounges with eunuchs swinging feather fans.

Even when I grew up and lived with women, the illusion remained. The greatest magicians of today and yesterday (predominantly men) have nothing on the female sleight of hand.

Pregnancy pulled the curtain back a bit, but it was always me who left the bathroom shamed, odiferous air wafting after me like the guilt from a night of nacho/beer binging.

But now that I have a baby daughter, I know the devastating truth. It was horrifying at first, the stark reality slapping me across the face multiple times each day. I couldn't eat or sleep for weeks.

I'm better now; this book has been a Godsend.

Gentlemen, hold my hand. It'll be okay.

Girls poop. A lot.

Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya…

Fast forward to a week ago Sunday. Mama A and I are eating lunch and Mama is also feeding Baby B pureed organic pears. Bea loves those pureed organic pears.

And breast milk. It still wouldn't be a complete meal without the breast milk.

So we're all eating lunch and Bea starts tooting (baby girls don't fart, they toot) and then calls out in her high-pitched Hindi baby velociraptor shriek followed by a huge open-mouth smile.

Happy baby poop face.

Usually the pooping lasts for a minute or two and then she's done.

But this time the tooting keeps coming and the happy baby poop face morphs into unhappy adult grimace red poop face. This continues for almost 10 minutes while we finish lunch.

Now, I've seen baby blow outs before; they don't faze me anymore. We remove Bea from her baby chair and take to her to the living room changing area (every living room should have one).

As soon as I lift her shirt I know we're in trouble. Dear God I haven't see that much muck since fishing in my grandparents' slimy mountain pond when I was 12. I almost call the local hazmat team in. The sun turns blood red. There are locusts.

We wipe off what we can with at least a dozen of her cloth diapers and then Mama carries her – arms extended as far away from her person as possible – quickly to the kitchen sink where I proceed to hose her down with the faucet sprayer.

Horrid. A scene out of Silkwood. Baby howls and we try to console her.

Finally she settles down, we dry her off, get her dressed and all is well with the world again.

Hours later Mama finds poop on her foot.

Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya…


  1. hahahaha, that's awesome. Poor mama for walking around in poop for hours though.

  2. My wife comes from a family of mostly women and like you, I was devastated to discover how frank and crass they all regarding odoriferous gasses, belching and everything else thought of as reserved only for men.

    My daughter has fallen right in line with them.

    Good luck.

    Happy Fatherhood Friday.

  3. Hahahaha...oh man. Great post!

    The title of your post almost sounds like a Japanese-import cartoon "Happy Baby Poop Face." Kinda catchy, don't you think?

    I remember the first serious blowout our daughter had - after she inadvertently had a day of all formula (she was still breastfed at the time). It still haunts me.

  4. Wait til it happens while she is taking a bath.

  5. We just experienced our first "real person" poop. Gross.

  6. Funny post but the pond muck metaphor nearly made me sick. Kumbaya indeed.

  7. I too am becoming desensitized to my daughter's blow outs. . .Never thought I would be this comfortable with poop.

  8. Mommy With a PenisMarch 13, 2009 at 9:59 AM

    Kumbayah indeed. The great thing is it all washes off, and when you do, you still get baby smell. Intoxicating. My daughter will be three in June and baby smell is all but gone. So, breathe it in while you can. Great post. I certainly can relate. Hutch

  9. great post. But I think I could of done without the

  10. Great post, I agree babies can smell good and that smell is great but when they poop not so much. I have an 18 month old daughter that finds anyone who farts funny and she laughs out loud. Man she is smelly when she poops but then again who does stink when they crap. LOL

  11. everyone you have that book btw? lol you know, if our systems aren't right, our bodies are gonna let us know. difference bt men & women? women try not to eat the scheisse that gives them the nasty scheisse in the first place. right now baby poop is just formula or baby food, wait til you have real food. you'll be in trouble then lol

  12. I think what hit me the hardest with our daughter was that the poop got EVERYWHERE - even in her pochenga!

    Now, as a guy coming from a family of guys... I never knew the happened and it freaked the hell out of me!