That Pocket Comfort

We lived those 1970's social media memes. The ones that touted how we played outside at night unsupervised. How we rode bikes without helmets. How we rode in the back of pick-up trucks at high speeds. How we had dirt clod fights in vacant lots. How we took Polaroid selfies. And how we didn't need any stinkin' smartphones. Gen X forever!

Nope, we used pay phones and we liked it. When we had loose change to make a call that is. Otherwise, we'd have to call collect, meaning the recipient of the phone call had to pay for the call charges. If they accepted. Of course our parents accepted when we were stranded and needed help as a young adult. Which never happened to me. Maybe.

Cell phones wouldn't be available for at least another 15 years, and even then most people couldn't afford them. My wife Amy and I have a running joke about a movie I made her watch years ago called Miracle Mile. It was an apocalyptic thriller that came out in 1988 starring starring Anthony Edwards and Mare Winningham. I loved the movie. Amy did not. There was another actress in the movie, Denise Crosby, who also played Security Chief Tasha Yar in the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, which Amy loved. In Miracle Mile, Denise played a mysterious businesswoman who had a huge cell phone she used it to call government officials from a diner. You'll have to watch the movie to see the rest. 

I didn't have a cell phone until the mid-90's, and it was a plastic "Star Trekkie" Motorola flip-phone. Fast forward to today, and there are nearly 3 billion smartphones in the hands of people everywhere around the world. 

And that now includes our daughters' hands. 

We've never been resistant to the idea that they would have phones at some point. We are a device-friendly family, and both girls have been using old iPhones as iPods for a few years now, as well as iPads. We monitor their device time and what they're doing on their devices, and have empowered them to tell us if they see something inappropriate or experience an inappropriate exchange with a stranger while playing Roblox.

After a year of distance learning, our oldest Beatrice finally gets to experience middle school in person soon, even if it's only two days per week. Bryce goes back to in-person 4th grade soon, too. Because of this and the fact that they're on their own more often inside and outside of the home, it was time to activate phones for them so they can text and call us, and we can do the same with them. Plus, we have phone rules about texting others and our family safety plans in place and review them every week. 

Decades ago when Amy and I were kids and teens, we never imagined a world where we could be in contact with our friends and family anytime and from practically anywhere. Today, we couldn't imagine not having the ability to text and call our children anytime and from practically anywhere. No apocalyptic thrillers here; we'll take that pocket comfort the phones bring us every day of the week. 

Where The Cool Kids Are

There's only one way in and out while driving a car. You can walk in and out, but that wasn't going to help us or them in that moment. Plus, we had the art teacher's number and she had ours in case of any emergency. Later, my wife Amy said that she would've gotten out the car and walked if we wouldn't have been to get to our daughters. 

For a few forever moments we weren't sure what was going on until we got close enough to make the turn. What we saw was a police action going on just a few blocks away, which is why the traffic was so slow. Amy told me to make an illegal left, which I did, so we could skip the backup where the streets were blocked ahead of us. Otherwise, Amy would've called the teacher, got out and started walking, while I figured out how to wind around and double back. 

Thankfully we didn't have to do that; we still got to our children on time to pick them up. The art class was held outside at one of our lovely community parks, primarily due to COVID-19 concerns. Once we got there, our daughters Beatrice and Bryce told us there was scary situation that happened while they were there. A woman, most likely homeless and mentally ill (we assumed based on their description), was yelling and wandering around too close to where they were. In the general vicinity there are quite a few people experiencing homelessness, living in tents and campers, with many in desperate need of mental health services.

"She kept saying things about God and Jesus," Beatrice said. "But like she was mad."

"Yes, it scared us," Bryce said. "So we moved."

The art class teacher told us that our girls wanted to move away from the yelling woman, so they did just that until she left the area. 

"That's exactly what we want them to do," Amy said. "It's definitely part of our safety plans."

Prior to this incident, we had already talked with the art teacher about our Kidpower safety skills and plans, including some of the following:

• Moving away and checking first with their adults if they are on their own before they let a person or an animal they don’t know well get close to them (or thinking first if they don’t have an adult to check with)
• Moving out of reach if something or someone might be unsafe
• Making a safety plan for how to get help everywhere they go
• Checking first with their adults before they change their plan about what they are doing, where they are going, and who they are with, including people they know
• Understanding that the safety rules are different in emergencies where they cannot Check First
• Yelling and running to safety if they are scared
• Using self-defense skills to escape and get to safety in an emergency

Our daughters know these safety skills quite well, so we were proud to hear that they used their voices and said they wanted to move away from a seemingly unsafe stranger. This is so important as they spend more and more time on their own, heading headlong to teenage-land and going back to in-person school after a year of distance learning. That in turn will lead to more opportunities to potentially experience harassment and bullying from people they do know, and eventually dating angst. 

I read recently that around the world, almost 1 in 3 women have experienced physical or sexual violence at least once in their lifetime, according to a new report released by the World Health Organization. Also according to the report, intimate partner violence was the most prevalent form – and it starts early. Nearly 1 in 4 girls and women who'd been in a relationship have already experience physical and/or sexual violence by age 19. I've been a harassment, domestic violence and sexual assault awareness advocate for many years, and I worry about statistics like these, but we also don't want our daughters living in fear, or us for that matter, which is why we review our safety plans every week in our family meetings.

We are the safetyists, after all, and living our lives being calm, confident and aware is where the cool kids are.

Lighting Up With Love And Grace

The plan was to throw her a big party when she turned 50, just like she did for me. That one was so much fun: it was the eve of the18th anniversary of when my wife Amy and I met, and our 12th anniversary of marriage. We held it in the banquet room of one of our favorite Mexican restaurants at the time. Friends and family alike were there and we had booked the local iconic Surfing Magician perform for the kids and the adults at my party.

Then last year, the pandemic hit, and everything was never the same. We went out to dinner for Amy's birthday then, the last time at that time we could do something like that for months. 

A year later, things are finally improving. After the tragic loss of over 500,000 people, more people are now getting vaccinated for COVID-19. Cases are going down in many areas, including our own. Our two daughters may be going to back to some in-person school soon; they've been in distance learning for nearly a year now. No matter what, we're grateful because we've been safe and well. We're grateful that we would've been in the position to even have another birthday party. 

However, when we entered 2021, it was clear that there would be no big party for Amy. No Surfing Magician, no friends and family, no carefree laughter. In a country that continues to buckle under the crazy strain of conspiracy theories, the big election fraud lie, the Capitol insurrection on January 6 (which continues to haunt and anger me), the anti-maskers who jeopardize health and safety, there are still so many people struggling financially and with their emotional and psychological health and safety. So many people feeling helpless and alone. 

This is why I'm so proud of my wife and the work that she does. And not just the work she does teaching safety skills to kids and teens at Kidpower or the work she's done on the PTA for our grade school. I'm proud of how she's helped to keep our daughters healthy and sane these past 12 months. How she's helped organize our family-friend pod so the girls could continue to see and play with some of their friends while giving the parents a little free time each week. How she continues to reach out to friends and family to check in with them, sometimes across great ideological divides. How she set up a regular Zoom call with family to reconnect, to play games and share carefree laughter. 

My wife inspires me every day to be better. To lead with eyes of love and acceptance, something I have done and can do quite readily, until I don't do it, defeated. But I keep coming back, and she's there to love me, always.

She deserved to have a celebration of her life at 50. So, I did the next best thing we could do during a pandemic. Set up a surprise Zoom call birthday party for her. For nearly two months I invited old and new friends, family, colleagues and other special people in her life to a virtual celebration on her birthday. I tried to contact everyone I thought should be invited, although I'm sure I missed some people. For those who could make the call, I loved watching Amy light up with love and grace as she talked to each and every person, taking the time to introduce them all. And then, the lighting up with love and grace culminated at dinner with our dear family-friend pod and lots of carefree laughter. 

Happy Birthday, my love. I am grateful for you, always. 

A Wonderful Thing To Witness

The ripped chip bag rested peacefully on the kitchen counter. Although its usefulness had come to an end, and the remaining potato chips now sat safely in a resealable bag, its demise was a violent one. There wasn't just one random rip down the side of the bag -- there were multiple shreds -- as if ripped apart by sharp talons of a hungry animal. 

"Beatrice, let me show you again how to open up the chip bags," I said to our oldest daughter. 

"It's really hard to open!" Bea exclaimed.

And so it goes. Not only about opening up chip and cereal bags, but also resealing them with clips. 

"Girls, let me show you again how to clip the bags shut," I said to both our girls, holding up a bag of cereal and a clip. "Fold the open end a couple of times and then clip it, like this. That way the stuff inside stays fresh."

"Okay, Dad. We'll do it," they both said.

Which then they don't, half-sealing or leaving open on the table. And so it goes. We keep practicing Positive Discipline, though, and now that our children are flying headlong into teenage-land, there will be constant reminders like these. Over and over and over again. 

The good news is that for the past few years they've received an allowance for doing specific chores each week around the house. And those things they do, with the occasional reminder or two. Sometimes with a serving or two of teen sass as well. 

We're okay with that because we're eons from the days of wiping buts and noses. We do miss those days of their childhood (but not really the wiping buts part), especially when our phones pop up photo memories from years past. But mercy me -- Beatrice is cooking now! And both our daughters are transforming into responsible and accountable human beings, finding their individuality and independence with eyes of love and empathy. 

Recently after the bitter freezing cold weather that stretched all the way down into Texas, Beatrice announced she wanted to do something. She announced this at the end of one of our weekly family meetings. 

"I want to give to Texas," said Beatrice.

"You do?" I said.

"Yes, because of the water and power problems. People need help," she said.

"Do you both want to donate your allowance 'give' money you saved?" said their mom, Amy.

"Yes," Bea and Bryce said. 

"Then we'll match it," said Amy.

Another big milestone arrived recently as well -- one that involves a developing independence. The girls have spent more and more time alone at home by themselves when Amy and I are going for a walk or a hike or running errands. However, this latest milestone was a different kind of alone, one involving venturing into the world without Mom and Dad. Every Saturday there is a farmers' market across the street from us. It's the beginning of a highway actually, but there is a four-way stoplight at the intersection with "walk - don't walk" signals. 

The girls really wanted to go by themselves and get some yummy treats. We agreed and then reviewed our safety plans about crossing the street. We also reviewed our Kidpower safety about being on their own and being calm, confident and aware about everything and every person around them as they walked to the farmers' market and back again. We gave them some money and reminded them to buy us carrots with the greens so our rabbit could eat the greens. 

Off they went. "Should we follow them?" I asked Amy. 

"No, let them go. They'll be okay," she said. 

The girls don't have phones yet, although that will change this year as they start doing more things on their own, and as they finally get to go back to in-person school (Bea will be in 7th grade and Bryce in 5th in the fall!). And while they struggle with opening and closing chip and cereal bags, among other things that we as adults take for granted (and can also still struggle with), their path to independence is a wonderful thing to witness and an honor to be a part of. 

Some Things Are Not A Choice

Checking first is critical. Always has been. Especially when there's an agreed-upon plan with the adults in charge. Meaning us, the parents. Checking with us first before they, our kids, change the plan.

For example, if the plan is, you, our children, will wear your masks inside when over at one of our pod homes, then you wear your masks inside. Pod homes meaning the families we rotate with a few times a week to watch each other's kids. Our kids get to play with their friends after school, and the parents get a break for a few hours after school. 

Even if the adult in charge at that point and time in the house they were all in says it's okay to not wear masks, our children know they are supposed to check first with us before they do anything different than the agreed-upon plan. One of their friends didn't wear a mask inside, then others joined in, including our children. 

After we went camping recently and were around a lot of people we did not know, even though we wore our masks and practiced COVID-19 safety protocols, we still were around a lot of different people. That, combined with the fact that another one of our pod families were around others indoors without masks, and we decided it was for the best that our girls wear their masks inside when at the other pod families that following week. That included our own home when it was our turn during that week.

Like checking first, some things are not a choice is another Kidpower mantra we repeat daily. And no matter the COVID-19 fatigue we've all been feeling, and mercy me have we been feeling it, it doesn't change how we practice health and safety protocols during a pandemic. This is true for our pod families and they all want to be safe as well. 

It's been nearly a year since covid lockdown and distance learning for us where we live. And it sucks. Super sucks. We've done well as a family, and with our friends and pod families, but it still super sucks. We also don't disparage our friends because our kids decided to change the plans and take their masks off, no matter if the adult in charge said it was okay. We're all exhausted from this pandemic. Again, it super sucks. 

Both our daughters tried to make the case that, since this was an agreement they didn't agree with, that it was okay to take off their masks. And we again reminded them, some things are not a choice and that we always check first with us before the plan is changed. 

What is the natural consequence to be though? Should our daughters not be allowed to get together with the pods and friends for a week? That was our idea at first, and we posed this question to the parents in the Positive Discipline class we're in. The consensus was, no. Punitive discipline does not foster learning the right lessons, and especially not after the fact. Keeping communication open and continuing to be clear about the plan is key: thank you for telling us and what could you/we do differently next time before making a decision to change the plan. Always check first.

Children and teens don't have the capacity for consistent and rational decision making. Good God, so many adults don't either. We believe in including our daughters in the decision-making process, even though obviously we are the parents, the adults in charge. 

This is why our family meetings are so important every week. Why personal responsibility and accountability are so important today, and tomorrow when they're teens. One of the parents in our class shared that in their friend pod, covid spread quickly due to not practicing safety protocol. Here was the natural consequence to learn from. Our oldest Beatrice realized that it wasn't just about potentially exposing themselves to the virus, it was about exposing us to it, her parents, who were more likely to get sick than either her or her sister. 

No matter how tired we all are, some things are not a choice.  

Running In Parallel

Hearts by Bryce

She kept saying she smelled propane. I didn’t smell it. Now, my wife Amy has Spidey sense (from the comic book superhero Spider-Man – the ability to sense things others can’t – like me), so I didn’t necessarily doubt she smelled something was wrong, but I didn’t smell any propane, so thought everything was fine.

When we hooked up our trailer camper to go on a little family trip, she again said she definitely smelled it. When we arrived at our camping destination and had begun setting up our trailer camper, she said it again.  

“No, really. I smell propane. And do you hear that humming?”

I did. Hear the humming, but I still didn’t smell propane. However, I did smell the faint scent of something burning, something acidic. That’s when I leaned over to one of the two 6-volt batteries that powered our trailer camper. 

There was the hum and there was the smell.

“What the hell?”

We quickly removed the battery covers and sure enough, the humming and smelly battery was also very hot. We then quickly disconnected the batteries and called Amy’s Uncle Brian. Brian is a retired power company lineman and extremely knowledgeable about all things electric, wiring, power and so much more beyond that (he’s helped us with many things). We had him on FaceTime and we walked through how the batteries were supposed to be connected in parallel so as to increase the amp-hour capacity with the voltage remaining the same. This way if there is a break in the circuit, the current is able to pass through the circuit through different paths. Things way above my pay-grade. I had disconnected them months earlier when we stored the camper to prevent what’s called parasitic draw (things on in the camper still drawing power even though it’s just sitting there). I set up solar trickle chargers for the battery as well that helped to keep them charged. 

But when we prepped the camper for our first trip of the year, I connected the batteries incorrectly, hence the smell and the humming. In all fairness to us, which even Brian admitted, the parallel connector cable was red. And red wire usually means positive, but that wasn't the case here, hence the parallel connection from negative on one battery to positive on the other that I didn't follow when reconnecting. Thank God for Spidey sense, teamwork and Uncle Brian. 

"Phew, thank goodness we figured that out and didn't fry our camper," I said.

"Yes, indeed. And now we know how to connect correctly," Amy said. 

"I took a picture as well!" 

"Good."

"Can we finish setting up camp now?" the girls cried out. 

After we reconnected the batteries correctly, all was well. Our daughters were off from school for a few days due to Presidents’ Day, and so it was time to take the camper out again for a little adventure. Plus it was Valentine’s Day weekend, and for us there was no better way to spend it than with our entire family – including our dog Jenny.

We went down to Paso Robles and Morro Bay and had so much fun. I got to show our girls where I spent many pre-teen and teenage summers (Morro Bay), while checking out some fun and funky hot springs in Paso Robles among other wine-tasting activities. For us, of course, not the kids. And then ending every night around our fire pit to make s’mores while the girls shared stories about growing up (dozens of them actually in the 10 and 12 years of their lives so far!). 

After nearly a year of pandemic, working from home, schooling from home, limiting family and friend interactions to our local pod few, we’re more grateful than ever that we’ve been safe and well. Last February we adopted our dog Jenny, which we never thought we would do until we involved the girls in the process of taking care of a dog. We also never thought we'd have a camper either, and that's also been a family affair, with Amy and I learning a whole bunch of new stuff in a short period of time. Still learning, too, especially since I almost caused a nuclear meltdown with our camper batteries. But we didn't, we keep reminding ourselves. We did not.

The operative world being we, because we are a team. Amy and I have always been a good team, even when nerves are frayed and I'm Daddy Goat Gruff. We don't always agree on how to get there, but we get there intact. We also both drive and back that dang trailer camper up like semi-pros now, and we ask for help when we need it (thank you, Uncle Brian!). We've also expanded our camping team to our two daughters. They pack most of their own stuff for trips, and help us pack as well. They also help us retract and extend the camper stabilizers and tongue jack, connect and disconnect the camper to the hitch ball joint, and more. Sure, Amy still does most of the list-making, planning, prepping and packing, and I still do a lot of the literal heavy lifting of packing and unpacking, camper connections and more. The girls offer to help and we include them in as much as we can. Except when they're off playing, or taking Jenny for a walk, because they are still kids. 

We are a team. This past year we've become exponentially closer – four hearts running in parallel – with our love a current continuously flowing through each other and back again no matter what we face individually or as a family. In other words, #BhivePower. 

The Long Tail of Daddy Goat Gruff

 "One day I'd nail it; the next day I couldn't. All you can do is keeping trying – be stubborn."

–Neil Peart

Don't eat on the couch.

Stop leaving your towel on the floor.

Don't leave your art on the kitchen table.

Stop playing on your devices.

Don't leave your clothes in our bathroom.

Stop leaving your towel on the floor!

Don't. 

Stop.

Don't. Stop.

Don't stop!

It's been my default response setting since the day our first daughter Beatrice pulled herself upright and began stumbling around the house. I even doubled down on the default responses when our youngest Bryce did the same. 

I am still that Daddy Goat Gruff. It isn't easy to reprogram such wired reactive responses of punitive discouragement going back decades to my own childhood. Don't do this and stop doing that. It's how I was raised, even with a loving and encouraging mother. 

My wife Amy has always encouraged an alternate way of raising our children. That solidified in her study and practice of Kidpower and now Positive Discipline. These days we practice Kidpower every single day, empowering each other with emotional and physical safety skills, boundary setting and more. We're also now taking a Positive Discipline course together, which is designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities.

According to Positive Discipline, there are different styles of parenting that not only impact our children's lives, but all the lives we interact with each and every day. For example:

Authoritarian (Control Through Power & Coercion)

• Order without freedom.
• No choices.
• You do it because I said so!
• Behavior modification with a heavy emphasis on rewards & punishment.
• Often invites rebellion & sneakiness.
• And more...

Permissive (No Limits)

• Freedom without order.
• Unlimited choices.
• You can do anything you want.
• Very loving, however, low demands with few guidelines & rules.
• Makes things as easy as possible for the child.
• And more...

Positive Discipline (Firmness With Dignity & Respect)

• Freedom with order.
• Limited/realistic choices…you can choose within limits, which show respect for all.
• Formulates guidelines for the child.
• Provides the child with decision-making possibilities.
• Holds the child accountable.
• And more...

It's the positive discipline I'm really working on. We're both working on, although it does come easier to Amy. And thankfully she encourages me all the time. That's important, because encouragement is also a big part of positive discipline. 

For example, every night after Beatrice takes a bath, she leaves her clothes on our bathroom floor, and then dumps her wet towel on the floor, either in the hallway, on her bedroom floor, or sometimes downstairs in the living room. 

It's drives me friggin' bananas. And every night before bed, I tell her to please pick up her clothes in the bathroom and hang up her towel. Amy echoes that sentiment. I've even started encouraging her to put her clothes in the dirty clothes right after she gets out of the bath and then hang up her towel when she's done with it. I want her to be part of the solution.

So, I am working on it. There needs to be constant and firm reminders for Bea about the clothes and towel, but we are working on it. Even thought the Neil Peart quote I shared was more about drumming than parenting, there is an equanimity between being firm and stubborn to get the positive parenting right. Sure the default settings still kick in -- don't -- stop -- stop -- don't. As I wrote above, reprogramming decades of such wired reactive responses of punitive discouragement, the long tail of Daddy Goat Gruff, takes practice and perseverance. All I can do is keep trying and doing.