No Matter What We Believe

It always feels easier when our kids don't ask about horrific world events. About why some people do something awkward or horrible to others; or denounce others because they don't like a specific group, how they live, what they believe in; or push their beliefs on others because they feel they're right and everyone else is wrong. We'd rather them stick to their normal day-to-day friend drama as is. 

Thankfully our teens don't listen to or watch the news regularly like my wife Amy and I do, but they still hear about local and world events through friends, social media, school, and us. They can also experience them directly, and that's when we need to talk with them about it. 

For example, recently a group of men from Gideons International, a Christian Business and Professional Men’s Association, came to the middle school unannounced where our youngest daughter Bryce attends, and distributed Bibles to students while on the public sidewalk, which was their right. The Bibles however had a table of contents pointing to verses about abortion, sexual temptation, adultery, and many other topics, which I wasn't happy about. I remembered when I was in high school and a Christian group distributed a pamphlet denouncing the music I listened to and why it was evil. My favorite band Rush was supposed to mean "Rangers Under Satan's House." Good God, please. 

Bryce thought it was funny though and brought the Bible home. We ultimately weren't that upset and were happy about how the school responded. The school staff was respectful to the missionaries as were the middle schoolers themselves. The principal sent a note to all parents letting them know what happened and that the bible distribution was not a school sponsored event. Even better, social studies teachers made time to discuss the First Amendment, which is under attack on all fronts more and more. We also don't practice Christianity, but still had a discussion with our teens about both. 

When our teens do want to talk about something significant and/or traumatic that's happened globally or locally, we listen to them first, without judgment (which isn't easy when you're fighting with your own world-view parental demons), and then have a dialogue about it. We help them understand as much as we can the greater context as to the why of the something that happened.

We also talk all the time about verifying something we've heard about or read about with multiple "objective" credible sources if at all possible. Because if not, that's when the adulting complexity of biases and -isms of all stripes can also be dangerously impactful on our kids, directly and indirectly. We've seen enough destruction of late of what it can do to grownups and children alike. 

Talking to our teens about why people believe what they believe and do what they do is still really hard. It's hard because everyone sees what they want to see, which we have to be okay with, even in the face of sometimes unsurmountable evidence to the contrary (which we're not quite okay with), but we remind them we will always lead with love and empathy. 

The difference, we also remind them, is that when beliefs intentionally cause harm to others socially, emotionally, and/or physically, that's where we draw the line. That's when there must be accountability for that harm, no matter what we believe.

Stuck in the Middle with Me

"Clowns to the left of me!
Jokers to the right!
Here I am stuck in the middle with you..."

—Stealers Wheel, Stuck in the Middle with You

My mind is mired in work. I'm stuck in a problem; I'm stuck at a light. We are stuck at a light. I'm driving my family somewhere. To where again? I'm not sure. I don't remember. The light's still red. 

How do we solve for our growth problem at work? The market's never been more in our favor, but hitting a wall trying to figure it out. We've created the right services, but what else was our consultative approach missing? 

Frustrating. Where are we driving to again? Down to the water? Our dog Jenny's in the car, so we must be going somewhere to walk her. To the dog beach maybe? Where everyone takes their dogs? It's not that far away; it's time to take a work break anyway. The light's still red.

It's hot. We're having a warm spell in spring. The drought is still with us and isn't going anywhere. We're using too much water at home. Have to curb what we're using each day. 

Red light. Inflation. Recession fears. War in Ukraine. Work stress. Drought. Family stress. Tweens and teens growing up—

The light's now green. There are many cars behind me and some in front of me. We're supposed to cross the road, right? Turn left? I'm not sure and I don't commit either way. My family is talking to each other; I don't know what they're saying. 

My wife asks me if I'm going straight. That's when this younger guy in a solar company work car (I can see the word "solar" clearly but that's all) goes around me on the right to cross the highway and I hear:

"Why don't you turn on your fucking signal!"

It feels like slow motion, but now I feel anger quickly. I raise my right hand and flip him off and mouth the words "fuck you." I don't say them out loud, but our kids in the back seat see what I do, feel my anger and frustration. I want to punch him in the face. My wife Amy feels my anger and frustration. It's not a great moment for me. 

"Are you going to go?" Amy asks me.

I cross the highway and the young guy in the solar car is right in front of me. He turns left and we turn right. 

As I refocus on the moment and driving my family safely in the car, I say, "I'm so sorry family. That was not how you're supposed to respond to people like that."

"It's okay, Dad. He was being mean to you," our oldest Beatrice says. 

"Yeah, how rude," our youngest Bryce says.

But I could feel Amy's eyes on me. We work so hard to manage our emotions and respond positively to even the most negative of situations, especially in front of the girls. We talk about it every week at our family meetings. Ugh, but I blew it by flipping the guy off. 

"Again, I'm sorry," I say.

"It's okay. It happens," she says. "But we should call that guys company and report him. He represents his company driving that car and cursing at us like that is subpar."

"Agreed," I say. 

Our girls concurred, "That's right!"

I smile. We've got each other's backs. As adults, we're always stuck at red lights mired in adult problems, and if we can take a break, we should take one. We can't control how others respond to us, but we are responsible of how we react and interact, no matter how we feel. Always stuck in the middle with me, that is. 

Mercy me, that beach break was nice. 

Some Things Are Not A Choice

Checking first is critical. Always has been. Especially when there's an agreed-upon plan with the adults in charge. Meaning us, the parents. Checking with us first before they, our kids, change the plan.

For example, if the plan is, you, our children, will wear your masks inside when over at one of our pod homes, then you wear your masks inside. Pod homes meaning the families we rotate with a few times a week to watch each other's kids. Our kids get to play with their friends after school, and the parents get a break for a few hours after school. 

Even if the adult in charge at that point and time in the house they were all in says it's okay to not wear masks, our children know they are supposed to check first with us before they do anything different than the agreed-upon plan. One of their friends didn't wear a mask inside, then others joined in, including our children. 

After we went camping recently and were around a lot of people we did not know, even though we wore our masks and practiced COVID-19 safety protocols, we still were around a lot of different people. That, combined with the fact that another one of our pod families were around others indoors without masks, and we decided it was for the best that our girls wear their masks inside when at the other pod families that following week. That included our own home when it was our turn during that week.

Like checking first, some things are not a choice is another Kidpower mantra we repeat daily. And no matter the COVID-19 fatigue we've all been feeling, and mercy me have we been feeling it, it doesn't change how we practice health and safety protocols during a pandemic. This is true for our pod families and they all want to be safe as well. 

It's been nearly a year since covid lockdown and distance learning for us where we live. And it sucks. Super sucks. We've done well as a family, and with our friends and pod families, but it still super sucks. We also don't disparage our friends because our kids decided to change the plans and take their masks off, no matter if the adult in charge said it was okay. We're all exhausted from this pandemic. Again, it super sucks. 

Both our daughters tried to make the case that, since this was an agreement they didn't agree with, that it was okay to take off their masks. And we again reminded them, some things are not a choice and that we always check first with us before the plan is changed. 

What is the natural consequence to be though? Should our daughters not be allowed to get together with the pods and friends for a week? That was our idea at first, and we posed this question to the parents in the Positive Discipline class we're in. The consensus was, no. Punitive discipline does not foster learning the right lessons, and especially not after the fact. Keeping communication open and continuing to be clear about the plan is key: thank you for telling us and what could you/we do differently next time before making a decision to change the plan. Always check first.

Children and teens don't have the capacity for consistent and rational decision making. Good God, so many adults don't either. We believe in including our daughters in the decision-making process, even though obviously we are the parents, the adults in charge. 

This is why our family meetings are so important every week. Why personal responsibility and accountability are so important today, and tomorrow when they're teens. One of the parents in our class shared that in their friend pod, covid spread quickly due to not practicing safety protocol. Here was the natural consequence to learn from. Our oldest Beatrice realized that it wasn't just about potentially exposing themselves to the virus, it was about exposing us to it, her parents, who were more likely to get sick than either her or her sister. 

No matter how tired we all are, some things are not a choice.  

This Is What We Can Do

I tired quickly of the social media memes and why I had to get off social. The memes that said things like "can't we just agree to disagree." Or, this very specific one associated with a picture of an older Clint Eastwood scowling:

I disagree with you. It doesn't mean I dislike you or that I'm mad at you. It just means that like you, I have my own opinions. I won't treat you disrespectfully just because we share differing opinions. Give me the same respect.

I mean, c'mon. Clint Eastwood? The actor/director who played Dirty Harry and a myriad of other strong, tough and unforgiving white-male leads who would more likely punch you or shoot you before listening to you? That's the image associated with this meme seemingly about trying to be understanding of each other, and it doesn't work for me. 

If we agree to disagree about whether or not our children should have their own phones, whether or not speed bumps should be added to our local streets, or even whether or not we support universal healthcare, then that's different. We could have a somewhat informed discussion based on verifiable facts and non-threatening personal opinions. But when what we disagree on could result in a safety problem for me, or my wife, or my two daughters, that could endanger us in any way, then it's not about compromise or respect. It's about personal safety. 

Plus, I just can't agree to disagree when belief and opinions are based on dangerous lies that result in destructive outcomes, even with the overwhelming amount of evidence to the contrary. For example, when someone wants to believe that the coronavirus isn't real, or really a threat to people, or a way to control the masses and negate personal freedoms, and aren't willing to practice safety protocols or eventually get vaccinated. Or they want to believe there was widespread voter fraud in the presidential election and are willing to try to take over the Capitol and kidnap, hurt and even kill government leaders and anyone else who disagrees with them (civilians like us). These are dire safety problems for many of us today who want to prevent others from getting sick or prevent violence in their own communities. 

Which is why it was timely that I received a Kidpower email that announced "We stand for safety!"

Kidpower is a nonprofit organization my wife Amy works for. It continues to teach our family and people of all ages and abilities to use their power to stay safe, act wisely, and believe in themselves.

How do we choose safety in dangerous times? This article describes 3 core Kidpower strategies for protecting ourselves and the young people in our lives:

1. Create emotional safety
2. Stay away from trouble
3. Focus on what we CAN do

We're also teaching our daughters how to be accountable for their own words and actions and how they impact others, and possibly endanger them. And in the same breath, to not shame or marginalize others because they don't agree with them -- even when it involves potential safety problems for them and others. They do need to get away from the trouble, and stay away, and then focus on what they can do about it. The latest Brené Brown podcast highlights how important accountability is and how uncomfortable it is these days to address. Letting ourselves be vulnerable enough to be accountable for our actions is creating emotional safety for us and others. This is what our children are learning to do and will continue to practice into adulthood. 

Four years ago our entire family marched in the Women's March. And while there was angry shaming about the newly elected president then, for many of us it was all about how millions of inspired global citizens added to the momentum of a positive movement -- the transcendent beauty of inclusive community. The same sentiment for the times we participated in our local Martin Luther King, Jr. Day marches. Unfortunately the continued resurgence of misogyny, racism, bullying, intolerance, shaming -- and just blatant hateful dehumanization -- is a big safety problem for us all now.

I've been mostly off social media for the past week, because I feel we just can't agree to disagree anymore. Not when it's based on perpetuated lies that lead to destructive outcomes. And not when there's an ongoing willingness to marginalize others that leads to unnecessary violence. We just can't. The reality is that we should learn how to agree and disagree with each other, while being emotionally safe and accountable and truthful, without shaming or dehumanizing each other in the process. This is what we can do; what our children can learn from us. It will be a lot of hard work and will come with many uncomfortable conversations, but I truly believe this is how we heal.