To Take Their Mother's Lead

One of the best things we've done for our kids, besides the positive discipline parenting, the Kidpower parenting, the empathic parenting, is to let them be and become.

Meaning, to let them become who they already were, are, and will be. 

Of course, we've had our own thoughts on what we've wanted them to become, but never at the expense of their own decision making. Their own mistakes. Their own regrets. They own successes. 

A teen's prefrontal cortex is still in its infancy, and it has until later in the 20's to fully develop. This means that teens often rely on the amygdala, which is the emotional center, and that leads to heightened emotions, risk-taking, and impulsive behavior.

But that doesn't mean they can't learn the coping mechanisms they'll need to deal with the adulting stressors of life that have only just begun. Because it begins in childhood today, no matter how loving and supportive you are as parents.

Kids can be more resilient than most parents think they can. We struggled and stressed about our own kids' struggles and stresses about their own social anxieties and mental health. At some point, both have had their own breakthroughs; they've adapted, overcome, and are thriving. These are great personal leadership skills to develop and practice whatever those "anxieties" are. That includes us the parents getting them whatever supports and resources they may need at the time they need. 

Kids can also know more about who they are and how they identify than most parents want to believe. That makes it hard for adults who have specific beliefs and ideologies about who their children are and who they should be. Sexual orientation and gender identity, for example. Our youngest was clear when they told us they were queer and identified as they/them. We've been nothing but supportive parents, and staunch allies, ever since. They were even nominated for a youth leadership award this year for the march they organized last year. 

Before we wanted to have children, it was my wife Amy who opened me up to endless possibilities with our lives. To always look at life through eyes of love without judgement or shame. To learn and adapt as best I could. That was hard at first, but I got there. 

When we changed our minds about children, then we were all in on being the best parents we could be. That they would learn to embrace and manifest endless possibilities that we believe in. That we would guide them and teach them as best we could. Again, they have to develop their own decision making. Make their own mistakes. Own their own successes. And hopefully learn to limit regrets. 

That's a constant work in progress, and no matter what, one of the best things we've done for our kids is to let them be and become. 

One of the best things I've done for myself and our kids is to take their mother's lead. For that, we are all grateful. 

Happy Mother's Day.

The Long Tail of Daddy Goat Gruff

 "One day I'd nail it; the next day I couldn't. All you can do is keeping trying – be stubborn."

–Neil Peart

Don't eat on the couch.

Stop leaving your towel on the floor.

Don't leave your art on the kitchen table.

Stop playing on your devices.

Don't leave your clothes in our bathroom.

Stop leaving your towel on the floor!

Don't. 

Stop.

Don't. Stop.

Don't stop!

It's been my default response setting since the day our first daughter Beatrice pulled herself upright and began stumbling around the house. I even doubled down on the default responses when our youngest Bryce did the same. 

I am still that Daddy Goat Gruff. It isn't easy to reprogram such wired reactive responses of punitive discouragement going back decades to my own childhood. Don't do this and stop doing that. It's how I was raised, even with a loving and encouraging mother. 

My wife Amy has always encouraged an alternate way of raising our children. That solidified in her study and practice of Kidpower and now Positive Discipline. These days we practice Kidpower every single day, empowering each other with emotional and physical safety skills, boundary setting and more. We're also now taking a Positive Discipline course together, which is designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities.

According to Positive Discipline, there are different styles of parenting that not only impact our children's lives, but all the lives we interact with each and every day. For example:

Authoritarian (Control Through Power & Coercion)

• Order without freedom.
• No choices.
• You do it because I said so!
• Behavior modification with a heavy emphasis on rewards & punishment.
• Often invites rebellion & sneakiness.
• And more...

Permissive (No Limits)

• Freedom without order.
• Unlimited choices.
• You can do anything you want.
• Very loving, however, low demands with few guidelines & rules.
• Makes things as easy as possible for the child.
• And more...

Positive Discipline (Firmness With Dignity & Respect)

• Freedom with order.
• Limited/realistic choices…you can choose within limits, which show respect for all.
• Formulates guidelines for the child.
• Provides the child with decision-making possibilities.
• Holds the child accountable.
• And more...

It's the positive discipline I'm really working on. We're both working on, although it does come easier to Amy. And thankfully she encourages me all the time. That's important, because encouragement is also a big part of positive discipline. 

For example, every night after Beatrice takes a bath, she leaves her clothes on our bathroom floor, and then dumps her wet towel on the floor, either in the hallway, on her bedroom floor, or sometimes downstairs in the living room. 

It's drives me friggin' bananas. And every night before bed, I tell her to please pick up her clothes in the bathroom and hang up her towel. Amy echoes that sentiment. I've even started encouraging her to put her clothes in the dirty clothes right after she gets out of the bath and then hang up her towel when she's done with it. I want her to be part of the solution.

So, I am working on it. There needs to be constant and firm reminders for Bea about the clothes and towel, but we are working on it. Even thought the Neil Peart quote I shared was more about drumming than parenting, there is an equanimity between being firm and stubborn to get the positive parenting right. Sure the default settings still kick in -- don't -- stop -- stop -- don't. As I wrote above, reprogramming decades of such wired reactive responses of punitive discouragement, the long tail of Daddy Goat Gruff, takes practice and perseverance. All I can do is keep trying and doing. 

Not quite a Christmas miracle

It wasn't quite a Christmas miracle.

We spent last Saturday early evening at the Santa Cruz Bible Church Santa Cruz'n Christmas, a fun Christmas event that included oxen and lamb keeping time (kind of -- a donkey and lamb actually), an old school Jerusalem village complete with Roman soldiers and a real baby Jesus, carriage rides, cider and hot chocolate, arts and crafts for the kids, baby Jesus black-light puppet show and Santa.

Yes, Santa. They know how to wrangle in the infidels, don't they.

We were having a grand old time until we lost Beatrice. We had finished in one of the crafts rooms and headed out a side door of the building that read "emergency exit only."

Click. There's Daddy, the Mama and baby Bryce -- but where's Bea?

I checked the door but it was locked. I looked through the window and didn't see her among the throngs of people.

"Where's Bea?" I called to the Mama.

She glanced around quickly, shrugged and I panicked. I ran around the building, one of many on this expansive church property, and shot back inside frantically (but cooly) searching out our elder B.

And there she was, a little rattled but intact, holding the hand of a nice lady who said she saw us walk away from Bea and out the side door, leaving her inside by herself.

A proud moment indeed. I kicked myself mentally as I held Bea's hand and guided her back outside to the Mama and Bryce.

Back together again we headed through Old Jerusalem on the way to our car to go home. When we loaded everyone in the car, one of Bryce's shoes was missing. Night had fallen but the Mama was determined to find it, reminding me how nice the shoes were and how she didn't want to have to get new ones. I'm really glad I didn't say, "Leave it. Let's go. We can get more baby shoes." Thankfully she found it.

But neither of these were the "not quite" Christmas miracle I'm referring to. No, that happened on the way home from the event.

I slowed our Saturn VUE as the light turned green, about 30 feet from the intersection. I proceeded across, the Mama turning back to give Beatrice her water cup, and then the pickup turned left and hit us head on.

Surreal. Unreal. Quick.

I braked. The pickup braked. The impact was slow but -- smack -- we all felt it.

I didn't hear anything. I didn't hear the Mama yelling at me. I didn't hear Bryce crying.

I just couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that the truck hit us. At this point I could see that it was a young woman driving the truck, in her early twenties maybe.

And she looked as if she were crying hysterically --

"KEVIN, GET OUT OF THE INTERSECTION! PULL OVER! GET OUT OF THE STREET!"

The Mama's voice rocked me back to life, as if the kinetic energy from the impact had a delayed effect and only now did I absorb it.

I pulled over, we calmed the young woman down, Mama gave her a big hug and we exchanged insurance information. The impact seemed minimal to both vehicles. Mama finally quieted Bryce. Beatrice seemed giddy, even a little maniacal.

But the shaky image of the young woman crying and apologizing to us, telling us she was from out of the area, that her cell phone was dead, that her pickup was now leaking some kind of fluid -- that image became a future glimpse one of my daughters accidentally running into a family of four coming back from a church Christmas event, and that we wouldn't be there to help her.

It wasn't quite a Christmas miracle, but it sure put life's fast-forward view-finder in perspective.

Merry Christmas. Hold your kids close. Amen.

 

 

From tiny Toddlerville to the big Childhood City

"Daddy, I'm running so fast!"

Zoom.

No, you're growing so fast, Bea. Too fast. But isn't that the way it always is?

Zoom.

Our elder B started preschool this last week, and although she's been more social and seemingly excited for it to start, we just weren't sure how she's respond to more kids, more adults that weren't us, and more structure, at least as much as circle time and potty time create.

We just never know until we get there, but we don't really want to hurry up to get there. At least we don't. You may think your kid is the "bestest" kid of all, but when they run across that great suspension bridge from tiny Toddlerville to the big Childhood City, that space within the span catches in your throat like the first brisk winds of fall (yes, we do get those in Santa Cruz, sometimes).

The most wonderful time of the year!

Not because of school like in the Staples commercial, but because it's time of reflecting change, of reviewing the year falling away, and because now we go from Bryce's birthday, to Bea's birthday next week, to my birthday in October (don't forget now, you hear?), to our anniversary a week later (love you, Mama!), to Thanksgiving (thank you), to Christmas, to New Year's!

The most wonderful time of the year!

Back to school -- Beatrice really had a great time. Mama will be volunteering once a week in the class, so day one wasn't Mama-less, but day two was (it's only two times per week for starters), and Bea rocked the house.

And she made an apple. Right on.

"Beatrice, what's your favorite part of school?"

"Playing!"

As it should be. And what was funny and quite telling is that when Mama picked up Bea on day two, Bryce wanted to stay and play, and play, and play. Beatrice never would've done that at age one. She would've clung to Mama like a Rhesus monkey.

Oh, how the B-hive buzzes differ, but how we love the sounds of same.

The most wonderful time of the year!

 

Surprising the Neigh-Neigh

Watching Bea, I had an epiphany.

Not necessarily new, since I had just read a similar sentiment recently, but connecting the dots generated enough power to light me up.

The fact that when we're young, we're more likely to try the impossible, even if elder others tell us it can't be done.

Jack-ass and destructive activities aside -- I'm talking about positive game-changing activities, like creating integrated circuitry on the head of a pin or developing the neuroscience behind emotional intelligence and teaching us to lead ourselves to a less divisive promised land.

Was Bea imaging springing herself atop the wild mustang to ride away like the wind?

I don't know. Maybe. Remember, she's 2.

It doesn't matter that we as adults know she couldn't do it. She believed she could, or whatever she was imagining.

Fellow leadership Twitterer @angelabisignano tweeted the other day:

If you want great leaders raise great kids.

And one way to do that?

Keep them surprising the neigh-neigh.