We Can Curb the Egg Slinging

We egged his house and he wasn't even home. His parents weren't home either. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway, caught up in the stupidity of teenage groupthink. One night at dusk when I was 16 years old, I drove my El Camino with friends in the back, while another friend drove his truck with other friends in the back, and we raced by another supposed friend's house and threw two dozen eggs at his house. As we drove by, the neighbors across the street, people who knew who we were because their daughter went to school with us, said to each other, "Wow, there goes Kevin and his friends."

When my egged friend's parents got home, they called the police and the neighbor witnesses gave us up. When I got home later that night, a police officer was waiting outside our house to question me about the egging. My parents and sister were most likely asleep, and so I denied the egging. The officer, who already had eye-witness testimony, pressed me further, even threatening to wake up my father to get me to confess. My father at the time was a long-time police officer himself, so I definitely confessed after that. 

The part that was the most devastating for me was when we all agreed to meet with my egged friend's parents and both my parents came. My egged friend wasn't there because his parents wanted to know why we did what we did, especially since we'd all been supposed friends for years. They were visibly hurt, especially his mom, and I could barely look her in the eyes. I could barely look my own parents in the eyes because their disappointment and hurt were unbearable as well. 

Not all the guys who participated in the egging agreed to come to the meeting, but what was even more uncomfortable for me were some of the guys whose toxic fathers came. They mocked the meeting and laughed at the vulnerability of my egged friend's parents, just saying basically that boys will be boys and it wasn't that big of a deal. That we were just teasing. 

But we weren't just teasing, and I knew it even before the first egg was thrown. I knew it even more painfully when I was one of two of us who agreed to scrub the eggs off his house, and it was excruciating when I faced the friend I'd egged and apologized to him. I knew what we did wasn't teasing. Teasing is supposed to be playful, friendly, and even sometimes affectionate, without intending to harm or demean. It's a way of socializing and bonding within a group. This wasn't that. 

And even if I didn't intend to bully, I participated in the bullying. Bullying is deliberately attempting to hurt, harm, or humiliate others. The impact of bullying is well-documented and can cause physical, emotional, or psychological distress. The targets of bullying often feel threatened, frightened, and/or humiliated. 

Today, with the reach and impact of social media and the dark side of artificial intelligence, cyberbullying is even more prevalent and can be way more devastating than egging someone's house. It's even worse because the reach is greater, the perpetrators are usually anonymous, and the algorithms themselves are smarter than ever, serving up more and more relevant crap -- throwing more and more literally rotten eggs -- that can make us feel like the very crap it's serving up, especially to our children and teens. Plus, we worry because more teen girls are the targets of fake nudes and fake pornography today, which is horrific. 

Thankfully, our teen girls haven't been bullies themselves, nor have they been bullied to date, online or in person. We monitor their social media usage as much as we can, talking with them about what they're watching, the impacts of all that, and encouraging them to limit their time online. We've empowered them to make good decisions, which we know they'll miss making sometimes, but they're doing pretty good overall so far, and we're never afraid to talk about anything and everything with them. My wife Amy always channels Kidpower by living these words: "The safety and well-being of ourselves and those in our care are more important than anyone's embarrassment, inconvenience, or offense."

Congress recently grilled social media leaders about the negative impacts of their platforms, with many families in the audience holding up pictures of the children they've lost because of those negative impacts. While we wait for actual federal legislative action that could make help difference, and sadly may never come, it's up to parents and families everywhere to make the difference. In fact, it's always been up to us. Virtually and organically, there will be bullying, and yet we can work on bullying prevention from a very early age into adulthood with our own kids, and then they can do the same for their kids. We can curb the egg slinging. 

A Second to Go South

"In the desert, you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain..."

–America, A Horse with No Name

It was the stars I remember the most. The nights were dark and the sky clear, with little to no external lighting around us save our camper's strip of outside LED's. The night sky sparkled like a diamond-encrusted ocean.

We took our family to the desert for spring break near Joshua Tree National Forest, and out of all the fun things we did, looking up at the twinkling stars before going to bed was the most relaxing for me. Of feeling safe and content. Of endless positive possibilities. Not a care in the world. "'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain."

But that was an illusion, because there are still those who are everywhere giving out pain of all kinds. Too many broken people with guns willing to take lives. 600 mass shootings in 2020 and 147 so far in 2021. 

I grew up in a law enforcement family; I grew up with guns. I never like them much, though. When I was 8 years old, I took my Red Ryder BB gun to what used to be called Little Forrest where I grew up, a small grove of Central Valley oak trees where we used to go as kids. I shot at a black bird and hit its wing, maiming it, and then I cried. 

Four years later my mom married my police officer step-father. Early in their relationship he hunted deer and dove, something I had no interest in. A year later, a man broke into our home carrying a large Bowie knife and was right outside our bedroom doors. I posted the story way back in 2012. My mom and dad woke up and my dad chased him out of the house and down the street. My mom then asked me to take my dad's gun to him. I carried it like a dead rat out to the street. My family has been gun owners for a long time, and it was clear early on I was never going to be comfortable with them.

And that's fine. Today, however, our children could be shot in their own schools (now that they're back to in-person school). We could be shot just going to the store. Or anywhere for that matter. And if our children were black, they could be shot just because they were black. Or Latino. Or Asian. Or any race other than being white. 

For those who are lawful gun owners who have had proper safety training, thank you. I do not want your guns taken away from you, but unfortunately you do not make me or my family feel any safer. Because when any of our lives go south, which can happen without warning, with a flash of anger after one drink too many, and/or when suffering from depression, and/or other mental disorders manifest, and/or when struggling with addiction, and/or when so many other problems can compromise safety, gun safety grays out and lives are at risk. 

Also, citizens armed to the teeth standing in front of state capitals or our nation's capital do not make me feel safer. White supremacist military and law enforcement do not make me feel safer. Permitted guns buried deep in your purses or under your car seat. Guns locked away in a safe buried deep in our closet do not make me feel safer.

I don't know how much gun reform will help in the long run, if it ever passes, like universal background checks. No matter what though, our families can practice safety skills every single day. We can also think about the why of the safety skills we practice, how can we prevent dangerous behavior before we're forced to protect ourselves. Back in 2019 I shared that one of the Kidpower instructors I admire (besides my wife, of course) inspired me with this analogy:

When we're literally on fire, we're taught to -- Stop, Drop and Roll -- to extinguish the fire.

But why are we on fire in the first place? What happened to cause the fire? What things can we do to prevent these fires in the future? To make ourselves safer? To make our families safer? To make our communities safer?

In light of the continued mass shootings of late, we need to keep our fears in check and work hard to be aware and prevent these tragedies from happening in the first place, including:

• Practice skills for taking charge of your safety and your family's everyday
• Learn and practice the safety plan at your school/business
• Practice speaking up about safety to those with power to act
• Practice overcoming the “Bystander Effect" and empowering yourself and others to take action
• Help strengthen a positive social climate in your community

These being just a few of the Kidpower Safety tips for individuals and families. 

With these safety tips, I long for the peaceful stillness of the desert's starry night we experienced on our spring break. Of feeling safe and content. Of endless positive possibilities. Not a care in the world. But this illusion of gun safety today is heartbreaking, because no how matter responsible people think they are with guns, they do not make my family feel any safer. It only takes a second to go south. 

Something To Celebrate

Beatrice keeps using the word in the wrong way. In her defense, she does think she's kidding, so I get that. I'll ask her to clean up her clothes or a mess she's made, and she'll say, "Dad, stop bullying me." 

We know she understands the difference; she's had enough Kidpower in her life to never get that one wrong. That's the organization my wife Amy works for that helps kids, teens and adults build healthy relationships and protect people from bullying, child abuse, kidnapping, prejudice, dating/domestic violence, and sexual assault.

But when Bea uses the word "bullying" in that context, I get uneasy. The fact is, bullying, harassment, intimate partner violence (domestic violence) and sexual assault are all to alive and well in 2020. Thankfully both her and her younger sister Bryce have the safety skills to protect themselves from all of the above, and we'll continue to reinforce them.

Because all of the above continues:

• 1 out of every 5 (20.2%) students report being bullied
• A slightly higher portion of female than of male students report being bullied at school (24% vs. 17%)
• Nearly 1 out of every 5 (19%) of people report being bullied at work -- 65% of those are women -- 70% of the perpetrators are men
• About 1 in 4 women have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and reported some form of IPV-related impact
• Over 43 million women have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime
• Females ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault
• The reasons for being bullied reported most often by students include physical appearance, race/ethnicity, gender, disability, religion, sexual orientation
• There is a strong association between bullying and suicide-related behaviors, but this relationship is often mediated by other factors, including depression, violent behavior, and substance abuse

Lots of work to do here. Plus, divisive anger, fear, hate and general toxicity have thrived this year, just more of the same from the past decade, except now we're in a global pandemic and another election year. It's never been harder for so many of us to find common ground. 

So, I'll try find some common ground here for those of us with children. Daughters in particular since that's Amy's and my world today. We all want our daughters to be safe. I don't think anyone would disagree with that. 

Check. 

We all want our daughters to be empowered with safety skills and to always be aware, calm and confident. 

Check. 

We don't want our daughters to be in toxic relationships of any kind, or support toxicity of any kind from others, whether those be friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, other adults, future bosses, future leaders, etc., and to not be a bystander as well -- to call it out when they see it. 

Check. 

And if they are in toxic relationships, for whatever reasons, we support them and help them to get out, not just tell them to deal with it. 

Check.

We want them to have healthy, loving relationships, and healthy boundaries, and have empathy for others regardless of physical appearance, race/ethnicity, gender, disability, religion, political ideology or sexual orientation. 

Check. (Although that's always a hard one for some of us.)

Because we want to be proud of our children no matter what they end up doing with their lives, and for them to lift others up instead of tearing them down. Today we can imagine that one day our daughters could be an astronaut, or an author, or an artist, or an actor, based on what they've told us to date. To have the freedom and support to make their own way regardless of where it leads, and to be safe along the way. 

My God, one of them could someday be the vice president, or even the president. Can you imagine that? How amazing would that be? 

Definitely something to celebrate! 

Other "Days of Coronavirus" posts:

The Haunted Garden

Mapping the Way

Mask Up First For Your Families

All Because of One Day on the Beach

Awash in Love and Hope

The Building Blocks of Healthy Lives

The Part Where All Lives Matter

The Clarity Bridge for Homelessness

Stars to Shine

Loving Community Wide Shots Abound

A Foundation Worth Saving

This Hit-And-Run Thunderstorm

Help Prevent the Back-to-School Bullying

Memories Now and to Come

Especially Our Kids

This Old "No" Guy Jedi

Choose Eyes of Love

The Morning Work

We Shared Blue Genes

Agree to Disintegration

The Teacher Parade

All These Things Can Lead To Grace

Our Freedom Is Always Welcome

A Well of Strength

This Bad History

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Problem

The Iceberg Underneath

The Healing Hope We Can Give

Donate Your Date Nights and Help Feed Families

About All The Things

Dad, Our Family's Computer Guy

The Newest Normal

Where Our Troubles Are All The Same

This Is The Life

When There's Nowhere to Go

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can I Turn To

Help Prevent the Back-to-School Bullying

He wouldn't let up. He just kept picking on other kids, making fun of them, especially those smaller and different than him, even shoving some to intimidate them further. This was 7th-grade woodshop for me, and while I don't remember him picking on me directly, he still scared me. I was a shy, skinny and asthmatic 13-year-old, and he, I'll call him John, was a much bigger 7th grader with a silver-capped front tooth.

Our woodshop teacher would intervene when he witnessed it, but John was good at getting away with it, too. Until my best friend at the time, Brad, finally had enough. Brad wasn't as bulky as John, but he was taller. John started picking on my long-time best friend, Robby, and Brad had had enough. I don't exactly remember if he shoved Jeff down on the ground, punched him, or both, but whatever he did, it stopped John from bugging the woodshop kids for the rest of the semester. Probably not the best choice to in confronting a bully, however, considering there could've been repercussions for Brad as well. 

Nearly two decades later, at our 10-year high school reunion, John would show up, get drunk, and start harassing a gay friend of ours, and a whole bunch of us verbally shut him down. I never knew John very well, never knew what his family life was like, what drove him to bully from an early age into adulthood. I was lucky in a way, because I never was really bullied in school, by John or anyone else in junior high or high school. I always got along with people from different backgrounds. 

Junior high for me was 7th and 8th grade and was a scary transition for me from 6th grade. Multiple classes, different periods and teachers, a locker with a combination I had to remember from day one. Physical education classes where I had to take showers with all the other guys and manage another locker for my gym clothes. Free-flowing testosterone spilling over the edges everywhere I went, all managed by Mr. Id, who only cared about grabbing girls' butts in the hallways and calling each other creative names that started with the word "dick". And my physical education teacher (who was also a multiple-sport coach) was a macho man who encouraged all the shaming Tomfoolery. 

But again, I was fortunate that I wasn't bullied directly. Even when in 7th grade I hung out with friends who all loved The Lord of the Rings, writing to each other in Elvish and Dwarfish runes. I was teased by my own friend group, and I teased them, but no bullying. 

I can't imagine being there today having to wear a mask and social distancing during a pandemic. That's complicated family and child well-being and polarized so many of us further. Today, COVID-19 is surging throughout America and school is starting and many states and school districts are sending their kids back to physical classrooms. Not ours; we're going to distance learning, probably for the entire school year.

Our youngest daughter, Bryce, starts 4th grade, and our oldest daughter, Beatrice, starts middle school soon (6th grade for her). While we're sad neither will be in school in person, more for their experiences than for us having both girls at home (we're good with it either way), we also think it may be a blessing. The pre-tween aura is already strong with her, and my wife Amy and I both remember being 12 years old. All the light and shadow swing of it. 

When I saw the image of the Georgia high school hallway packed with teenagers with no social distancing whatsoever, some wearing masks and many others who were not, my first thought wasn't fear of coronavirus transmission. 

My fear is about the bullying, the shaming and the ostracizing. For both those wearing masks and those not wearing masks. And for both those who test positive for COVID-19 and those who don't. Plus, those who choose to homeschool, to join small pods of people for schooling and childcare, or not (and for those who have no friend group pods to join). I haven't read any reports of it yet, but I fear it's coming. As well as the parents bullying each other and the kids about it all; the polarization in America continues to expand. 

According to my wife, who works for Kidpower (helping others create cultures of caring, respect, and safety for everyone, everywhere), adult leadership has to step in and create a culture where this kind of behavior isn't acceptable -- from school administration to teachers to parents to friends and family. I most certainly agree. Also, kids being aware, calm and confident can help curb bullying attacks before they start. And using what they call their walk-away power (walking away from a confrontation without reciprocating), leaving in a powerful and positive way:

The best self-defense tactic is called “target denial,” which means “don’t be there.” Leaving an unsafe situation is often the wisest and most effective solution for getting away from trouble. 

That's not always easy to do, especially in a crowded school hallway, or being trapped in a classroom or somewhere else where there's no where to go, so there are eight Kidpower skills in all that kids, teens and adults can all use to face bullying with confidence. We all deserve to be safe, and with the weight of today still pressing down relentlessly, we can easily break. Let's all practice being aware, calm and confident and help prevent the back-to-school bullying. 

Other "Days of Coronavirus" posts:

Memories Now and to Come

Especially Our Kids

This Old "No" Guy Jedi

Choose Eyes of Love

The Morning Work

We Shared Blue Genes

Agree to Disintegration

The Teacher Parade

All These Things Can Lead To Grace

Our Freedom Is Always Welcome

A Well of Strength

This Bad History

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Problem

The Iceberg Underneath

The Healing Hope We Can Give

Donate Your Date Nights and Help Feed Families

About All The Things

Dad, Our Family's Computer Guy

The Newest Normal

Where Our Troubles Are All The Same

This Is The Life

When There's Nowhere to Go

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can I Turn To

A Life-Lesson Letter for My Daughters

Dear Beatrice and Bryce,

I’m writing this letter for your future selves to read, to talk about a very serious subject for when you’re both young adults. 

Your mom and I hope you never experience what too many women, and men, still experience in the world every single day – being harassed, bullied, sexually assaulted and/or raped. Whether by a stranger, or more likely, by someone you know. A significant other, a supposed friend or family member, a classmate, a neighbor, a co-worker or a boss. Unfortunately, the list goes on and on, multiple iterations of the same tragic story. You may even have friends who have experienced one of the above. 

Yes, I said it was serious, and we hope we’ve helped arm you with the awareness, confidence, safety skills and courage to not allow anyone to overpower you because they want to. Especially because you are women, and especially by men (although women can harass other women, too).

It can all start simply enough, with someone bugging you repeatedly that’s demeaning to you over time, who attempts to put you in your place, that you’re not good enough or smart enough, and never will be. Or, someone who pushes you to do something without your consent because they say they like you and think you’re attractive. When it’s repetitive harassment and/or physical assault, it can eat away at your psyche, your very heart and soul, until there’s nothing left but chronic fear and unhappiness, depression and the rock bottom of self-worth. 

If you let it. You don’t have to let it, though. Ever. Whomever is doing it do you, you can use that Kidpower Mom taught us all those years ago and say “Stop!” Then you throw away those intentionally hurtful words and actions and you get yourself in a safe space. Whether at home or at work, you do not have to accept it, even when it’s enabled by others around you who say “but that’s just the way he/she talks to others; it’s the way he/she expresses love; he/she doesn’t really mean it; don’t take it personally; just deal with it, because that’s life and you need this job.”

That’s all bullshit. Sorry, but it is. And no matter how much you think you like someone, if they bully and harass you, or try to force you to do something sexual you do not want to do, then it’s time to get out, to get away to safety. You have the power to say “stop” and “no” – even if you first say yes.

This also means reporting it if it’s at work or calling it out if you have friends or people you work with who are experiencing it. Or reporting it to the police when it’s a crime against you or someone you know. Don’t try to hide it because you’re ashamed or look the other way when you witness it elsewhere, because someday you could be in a situation where you’ll need the support of others to help shine a light on it. Looking the other way is one of the ways that empowers abusive behavior.

This isn’t easy to do and standing up for yourself and others can sometimes come with heavy social, emotional and psychological costs. You could lose the very people you thought were your friends. You could lose your job. You may want to quit your job. You could be fearful of intimacy for a long time to come. You could be socially chastised by those who support the very individuals who have harassed you, and this is a life lesson I want to share with you both. 

You probably don’t remember, but years ago I was on the Santa Cruz City Commission for the Prevention of Violence Against Women (CPVAW). Your mom encouraged me to apply for the commission, because I had already been an advocate for violence awareness and prevention. 

This commission was all about preventing sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape in our community and holding those accountable who perpetrated such activities. I was only one of two men on the commission during my tenure. I learned a lot and was proud of the work we did and even served as chair during the last year I served. 

But then our commission got swept into local politics, something we never intended to happen. There were five women – three city staff employees and two city council members – who had come forward and filed multiple workplace harassment complaints against two other city councilmembers, both men. And one of the five women was also the city staff coordinator for our commission.

The city paid for an investigation that did substantiate there was in fact a pervasive pattern of workplace harassment and bullying by these two male councilmembers, along with a contingent of their supporters who worked with and for them. While the investigation concluded that there wasn’t any gender bias in these workplace harassment complaints, all who came forward were women, and none of the complaints were found to be false. 

Now, imagine multiple city council meetings where men and women in our community repeatedly blamed and shamed the women who had come forward, accusing them of the wrongdoing, that is was there fault that these two male councilmembers were being accused because they just wanted the men removed from office. Their supporters were vocal about various conspiracy theories of why these women had come forward in the first place, that it was all political in the end. And that because one of the men were black, it became about race as well. 

But that wasn’t the worst of it. Our commission experienced the same community backlash because the majority of us continued to stand by the five women. We pushed for what’s called censure, a public reprimand of the two councilmembers, but one in which the council majority didn’t pass. 

We were still berated over and over again with hateful rhetoric. That we were wrong to support these women and that we should only support women who are sexually assaulted and raped. That we should leave workplace harassment and bullying for the workplace itself to deal with. 

We were also literally threatened that they would “come after us” if we continued to support the women who had come forward. Especially me, being the only male and the chair. The Commission for the Prevention of Violence Against Women being threatened with violence because of women coming forward about workplace violence. Can you believe it? Egregious and absurd, but it happened.

The harassment continued online, and sadly, one of the two accused councilmembers wrote slanderous posts on his Facebook page about the commission and me personally. 

But even after all of that, all I could think about after being threatened by them was you two and your mom. Would my family be in danger now? Would they continue to harass us incessantly like they did to those women and their families who had come forward? 

What if either of you had something happen to you someday and then you come forward so those who hurt you could be held accountable, and this was the hateful backlash you received? That it was all your fault? Because there was no way those you accused could do something like that?

No wonder so many who are harassed and abused or worse don’t come forward. Also note that false reporting happens only about 2%-10% of the time, and that’s probably high because of those who actually don’t report. 

While I’ll always stand by all the work the commission did back then, at that time I had had enough of the harassment and bullying and had to step down. It adversely impacted our family life and my work life (again, you probably don’t remember how stressed I was back then, but your mom does). Of course, my personal woes were nothing compared to anyone who’s been victimized repeatedly, sexually assaulted and/or raped. 

My dear daughters, I implore you to always believe those who come forward and help be a voice for those who struggle to find theirs. Sexual assault and rape are horrific crimes, but don’t discount all other forms of controlling harassment and bullying just because they’re not rape. Many times, it’s this very behavior that’s a precursor to other forms of abuse and violence and can have just as much of a lasting traumatic effect. I grew up with domestic violence and sexual abuse, and so I know firsthand the lasting effects. That’s another story I’ll tell you someday. 

I’m no hero, but I do want both of you to know that my commitment to preventing violence of all kinds against women, men, girls and boys, including harassment and bullying, has never faltered and never will. I know you will continue to be committed as well. 

I love you both very much. 

Dad

Why These Fires Start

"I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep

But I can't, but I can't when you all have

Guns for hands..."

–twenty one pilots, Guns for Hands

I almost brought the nearest to me to the ground; the two pops were loud and unmistakable. I flinched and knew in my periphery my oldest daughter was on my right and my niece and her baby daughter where slightly behind me on my left. And my wife was with our youngest daughter at the other end of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. How was I going to help them all?

I couldn't. And then I thought of part of my Kidpower self-defense training: when someone has a gun, you run. You run for safety as best as you can and get help as soon as you can. That most shooters aren't very accurate when people are running away from them, and police departments concur. That doesn't mean you won't get shot, but falling to the ground where you are can make you more of a target. And trying to fight someone with a gun pointing at you, which should be a last resort for those even with a modicum of training, could mean a quick loss of life. 

All these things went through my mind seconds after the two loud pops. But they weren't gun shots – they were just balloons popping in one of the boardwalk games. Just balloons. I sighed and then we were on our way enjoying the day. I can't imagine what it's been like for real victims of shootings and their families.

The immediate fear was palatable, though. Especially considering that only a few days earlier there was a mass shooting at the Gilroy Garlic Festival. And for the first time we discussed shootings with our children, and what to do if it happens and how to stay safe. No surprise, it scared them, but it was still a necessary conversation. 

Then came the weekend after, where two more mass shootings killed 29 people and injured dozens more. 

That's now already 32 mass shootings in the U.S. this year (defined as three or more killings in a single episode).

There have been many arguments as to why this keeps happening in America, but one clear fact documented over and over again is that there are too many guns in this country with relatively unregulated gun ownership compared to the rest of the developed world. In fact, Americans make up about 4.4 percent of the global population but own 42 percent of the world’s guns. Combine that now with growing civil unrest, resurgent racism, simmering hate and fear being stoked by some of the very leaders who are supposed to call foul and unify us, and we have perpetual societal bonfires jeopardizing the lives of our families. 

I say that because one of the many Kidpower instructors I admire (besides my wife, of course) inspired me with this analogy:

When we're literally on fire, we're taught to -- Stop, Drop and Roll -- to extinguish the fire.

But why are we on fire in the first place? What happened to cause the fire? What things can we do to prevent these fires in the future? To make ourselves safer? To make our families safer? To make our communities safer?

In light of these horrific mass shootings of late, we need to keep our fears in check and work hard to be aware and prevent these societal fires from starting in the first place, including:

• Practice skills for taking charge of your safety and your family's everyday
• Learn and practice the safety plan at your school/business
• Practice speaking up about safety to those with power to act
• Practice overcoming the “Bystander Effect" and empowering yourself and others to take action
• Help strengthen a positive social climate in your community

These being just a few of the Kidpower Safety tips for individuals and families. 

And as American citizens, speaking truth to power about why these fires start in the first place and what we can do to prevent them through legislation and law enforcement is also our responsibility. We can and should be shouting from the rooftops about reducing the number of guns in our country and addressing the racist hate and destructive anger that's driving these mass shootings of late.

Speak up and be safe. 

Everyone Is Safe Today

If you've ever experienced it, you know painful it is for all involved. The accusation from someone you love that you've done something heinous, something you know you could never do. There's that tragic betrayed look in their eyes, the seismic tremble in their voice, their shaking hands. Your heart and soul are gutted and you scramble to defend yourself and categorically deny. And even if you're exonerated and it's only temporary, the fact that the accusation was made in the first place takes time to heal, although it never really goes away.

If you've been there, then you know what I'm talking about, because I know what I'm talking about. Of course, any accusation of sexual harassment,  domestic violence, sexual assault, child molestation -- anything accusation related to these horrible acts -- should be taken quite seriously, even if they're eventually found unfounded.

The research is clear about the prevalence of false allegations -- it's between 2% and 10%. But even with this incidence, it's the real victims, those who have actually been assaulted, have the much longer road to healing, if ever truly can. They're also the ones who are in fear of reporting what happened, due to the way we victimize the victims.

I'm a work-in-progress husband and a father today who wants to help with the awareness and prevention of all things related to sexual harassment, domestic violence, sexual assault and child molestation. When I experience my sexual abuse as a child, I couldn't tell you the exact days the incidents occurred and there was never anyone there in the moment to corroborate what had happened. It was my word against his, and I didn't tell anyone for over a decade.

And when the man (who was my first step-father) found out that I shared what happened to me, he threatened to kill me. After one public confrontation with family and friends, nothing ever came of it and no litigation was ever pursued. He has long since passed away, but not only have the memories of what happened to me have never faded, the extreme emotional and psychological abuse my mother and sister experienced from the same man have never faded either.

For those who sympathize with all the men today being accused of sexual harassment and assault and who think, "Wow, no man is safe today," I wish they'd understand the pervasive patriarchal violence that has been committed against women and children for thousands of years. This isn't a partisan problem or a greater prevalence of false allegations. These are brave individuals finally confronting the visceral memories that desperately need to see the light of day in order to heal.

As I've mentioned in another article, according to data collected by RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), one in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys under the age of 18 experience sexual abuse or assault at the hands of an adult.

In 88% of the sexual abuse claims that Child Protective Services (CPS) substantiates or finds supporting evidence of, the perpetrator is male (mostly parents and relatives and others trusted by the children).

And as few as one in five victims report their sexual assault, so they often don’t get the help they need.

We can be part of the solution, to work together with women to transform their communities and shift gender stereotypes, end rape culture and deconstruct the patriarchy. That’s just what we’re attempting to do in Santa Cruz with the Commission for the Prevention of Violence Against Women (CPVAW), holding a one-day awareness and prevention conference called Transforming Together on Saturday, October 6, 2018, at the Louden Nelson Community Center. For those who are local and in the Bay Area, please join us.

The very public attacks against alleged victims of sexual harassment and assault are a painful reminder of how much our patriarchal heritage protects the perpetrators. Why don't we want to believe those who are brave enough to come forward share their traumatic experiences? Why would anyone want to come forward knowing the polarizing and ostracizing assault they'll experience?

I am no longer a victim. And those who come forward take the first steps at instigating justice and healing their broken lives. However, there are so many others who need our help and our support. We need to change the misleading perception that "no man is safe today" to a new reality that "everyone is safe today." Aspirational and idealistic, yes, but that's the world we want our girls to live in, and we will do everything we can to get there. This is our #BhivePower, the very essence of our family's mission.