We Shared Blue Genes

Jerry,

It’s been a few years since I first saw your obituary online. It was less than 30 words in total. It said you died on January 2, 2012, in a hospital in Redding, CA, and that you had lung cancer. You were only 69 years old. There was nothing much else descriptive. Nothing about family or friends. Just a short passage about your passing. 

On the day before Father’s Day this year, over eight years later, I looked for it again. I found the listing, but when I clicked on the link, the page no longer existed. I searched for it but I couldn’t find it anywhere else. 

You had died seven months before our dad, and almost a full year before our mom. I've never really thought much about how close all the deaths were, because I didn't even know about yours until a few years afterward. 

The last time I saw you I was 13 and my sister Kristen was 11. I'm sure you remember that day. It was supposed to be a visitation day for you, although I don’t remember what time of the year it was. I only remember paralyzing fear from what was about to transpire. We had already told a judge that we didn't want to see you anymore and you must've been notified about that.

You came to our front door dressed in a untucked light collared shirt and blue jeans (I think). You may have also been wearing that a straw cowboy hat you wore the few times we were with you since the divorce. I do remember you held a grocery bag full of dirty carrots you said you had pulled from your garden and were for us.

Kristen and I practiced what we were going to say, but what seemed like an eternity went by before anybody said anything. She stood slightly behind me, one hand on the back of my shirt. 

I'm not sure what I said, if anything. You must have sensed how we felt, because you said, "So, you don’t want to see me anymore?"

I nodded slowly. I felt Kristen pull on my shirt. Then you set the carrots down and said, "Goodbye kids."

And that was it. All I remember. We never heard from you again. At least I didn't. Decades later you and Kristen actually got together and talked. She told me she was glad that happened. 

But you and I never did. And so, I never really knew you, Jerry. I only remember you as a man who was supposed to be Dad, who smoked and drank a lot. Who was either very angry at Mom, at us, or very quiet and depressed. I was always so scared of you, too, because you hit Mom, and I always worried you'd hit all of us. I could only fantasize of standing up to you, of yelling at you and hurting you for hurting Mom. 

I'll never forget the fights and the pain you caused Mom. Kristen and I would sometimes huddle together in my room to wait for the fighting to stop. Or, I'd go hide in the treehouse you had built for me years earlier. I'll never forget how miserable you made us. The shitty things you did. 

There were rare moments of feeling like a family, and the last Christmas we spent together was one of the happiest I'd ever seen you. You told us all you were sorry. You may have even cried a little when you said to us, "There's no place like home." 

I never really knew you, though. And yet, I remember that I never seemed to be the boy you wanted either. My severe allergies and asthma hindered my limited athletic abilities at the time. I was skinny and shy and only remember feeling disappointment from you back then. 

I didn't hate you then, though. I was scared and angry then, but I didn't hate you. No, that came after you and Mom divorced and we found ourselves in a new and abusive house with a man who hurt us all. Mom was just trying to find stability for us, but we had no idea he would emotionally, psychologically and sexually abuse us. That was a scary two and a half years.

I know that's not your fault, but it was compounded by the fact that we still had to see you for those years, which we never enjoyed. I never felt like you really wanted us around anyway. That you really didn't like us. You probably wouldn't have helped us even if you knew what was going on. That's why I started to hate you.

But none of that matters anymore. Not one fucking bit. Not then, and certainly not now. Because I never saw you again after that day on our porch when I was 13. You were just my birth father. 

And not once after that day did you try to contact me. Not once. That's why I hated you more. Our second step-father, the one whose name we took when he adopted us a few years after he and Mom got married, he was the one we called Dad and will always call Dad. I miss him and Mom every single day.

I know I didn't try to contact you either, but you were my birth father, and I your son. Why didn't you try?  What the hell happened to you in your life to make you that way? You never knew how hard it was for us until Mom married Dad. How hard it was for me at the end of high school and well into my 20's. How I had severe anxiety attacks, and how smoked and drank too much, just like you did. How miserable I made my first failed marriage. The shitty things I did. 

You never saw me graduate college, to be the first in our family to do so. You never saw me move to Santa Cruz where I met the love of my life. How I traveled the world with her. How we had two daughters of our own. How I'm a father who loves his children, who cares about them deeply and who wants them to always be emotionally and physically safe. How my wife and I are raising them to be strong, smart, independent and inclusive women and people. How we're doing it all in the middle of a global pandemic.

You never knew any of that, and I never knew you. Never really knew why you struggled. Never knew why you didn't have the capacity to care for yourself, or for us. The only thing I ever really knew is that we shared blue genes, and that I overcame them, and you did not. 

I am sorry you died alone, Jerry. I really am. And for the first time in my life, I forgive you. Happy Father's Day. 

Other "Days of Coronavirus" posts:

Agree to Disintegration

The Teacher Parade

All These Things Can Lead To Grace

Our Freedom Is Always Welcome

A Well of Strength

This Bad History

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Problem

The Iceberg Underneath

The Healing Hope We Can Give

Donate Your Date Nights and Help Feed Families

About All The Things

Dad, Our Family's Computer Guy

The Newest Normal

Where Our Troubles Are All The Same

This Is The Life

When There's Nowhere to Go

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can I Turn To

Everyone Is Safe Today

If you've ever experienced it, you know painful it is for all involved. The accusation from someone you love that you've done something heinous, something you know you could never do. There's that tragic betrayed look in their eyes, the seismic tremble in their voice, their shaking hands. Your heart and soul are gutted and you scramble to defend yourself and categorically deny. And even if you're exonerated and it's only temporary, the fact that the accusation was made in the first place takes time to heal, although it never really goes away.

If you've been there, then you know what I'm talking about, because I know what I'm talking about. Of course, any accusation of sexual harassment,  domestic violence, sexual assault, child molestation -- anything accusation related to these horrible acts -- should be taken quite seriously, even if they're eventually found unfounded.

The research is clear about the prevalence of false allegations -- it's between 2% and 10%. But even with this incidence, it's the real victims, those who have actually been assaulted, have the much longer road to healing, if ever truly can. They're also the ones who are in fear of reporting what happened, due to the way we victimize the victims.

I'm a work-in-progress husband and a father today who wants to help with the awareness and prevention of all things related to sexual harassment, domestic violence, sexual assault and child molestation. When I experience my sexual abuse as a child, I couldn't tell you the exact days the incidents occurred and there was never anyone there in the moment to corroborate what had happened. It was my word against his, and I didn't tell anyone for over a decade.

And when the man (who was my first step-father) found out that I shared what happened to me, he threatened to kill me. After one public confrontation with family and friends, nothing ever came of it and no litigation was ever pursued. He has long since passed away, but not only have the memories of what happened to me have never faded, the extreme emotional and psychological abuse my mother and sister experienced from the same man have never faded either.

For those who sympathize with all the men today being accused of sexual harassment and assault and who think, "Wow, no man is safe today," I wish they'd understand the pervasive patriarchal violence that has been committed against women and children for thousands of years. This isn't a partisan problem or a greater prevalence of false allegations. These are brave individuals finally confronting the visceral memories that desperately need to see the light of day in order to heal.

As I've mentioned in another article, according to data collected by RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), one in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys under the age of 18 experience sexual abuse or assault at the hands of an adult.

In 88% of the sexual abuse claims that Child Protective Services (CPS) substantiates or finds supporting evidence of, the perpetrator is male (mostly parents and relatives and others trusted by the children).

And as few as one in five victims report their sexual assault, so they often don’t get the help they need.

We can be part of the solution, to work together with women to transform their communities and shift gender stereotypes, end rape culture and deconstruct the patriarchy. That’s just what we’re attempting to do in Santa Cruz with the Commission for the Prevention of Violence Against Women (CPVAW), holding a one-day awareness and prevention conference called Transforming Together on Saturday, October 6, 2018, at the Louden Nelson Community Center. For those who are local and in the Bay Area, please join us.

The very public attacks against alleged victims of sexual harassment and assault are a painful reminder of how much our patriarchal heritage protects the perpetrators. Why don't we want to believe those who are brave enough to come forward share their traumatic experiences? Why would anyone want to come forward knowing the polarizing and ostracizing assault they'll experience?

I am no longer a victim. And those who come forward take the first steps at instigating justice and healing their broken lives. However, there are so many others who need our help and our support. We need to change the misleading perception that "no man is safe today" to a new reality that "everyone is safe today." Aspirational and idealistic, yes, but that's the world we want our girls to live in, and we will do everything we can to get there. This is our #BhivePower, the very essence of our family's mission.

Unraveling Our Own Patriarchal Demise

“So we may boldly say: ‘The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?’”

–Hebrews 13:6


"You better think (think) 
Think about what you're trying to do to me
Yeah, think (think, think) 
Let your mind go, let yourself be free..."

–Aretha Franklin, Think

It was the Sunday school coloring pages of Jesus smiling with open arms that still haunt me today. Jesus and little children gathered around him, all smiling back, seemingly safe and sound.

And Jesus was a man. 

And God is a father.

And Father knows best.

And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” 

But they most certainly do. It's a man's world, for God's sake.

I grew up in an evangelical Christian family, and while to date I don't have a problem with the idea of a benevolent and loving God, I do have a problem with its human roots in patriarchy and its history of oppression -- a system of society, religion and/or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it.

A system of control that has enabled horrible atrocities to continually occur. The latest grand jury report out of Pennsylvania on abuse in the Catholic Church revealed that at least 1,000 children had been abused by 300 priests and accusing senior church officials of covering up abuse complaints. 

Not just that it happened, but that the church officials covered it up for decades. Men have been doing this for other men for thousands of years, and it's so entrenched in our social and cultural DNA, it's no wonder the unraveling is so painful for us all, especially for women and children.

For men and fathers like me, and I know there are many of you out there, we are finally understanding that deconstructing patriarchy and its ultimate oppressive control is how we can help prevent systemic domestic violence and sexual assault on women and children (and even other men).

We can be part of the solution, to work together with women to transform their communities and shift gender stereotypes, end rape culture and deconstruct the patriarchy. That’s just what we’re attempting to do in Santa Cruz with the Commission for the Prevention of Violence Against Women (CPVAW), holding a one-day awareness and prevention conference called Transforming Together on Saturday, October 6, 2018, at the Louden Nelson Community Center.

According to data collected by RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), one in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys under the age of 18 experience sexual abuse or assault at the hands of an adult.

And in 88% of the sexual abuse claims that Child Protective Services (CPS) substantiates or finds supporting evidence of, the perpetrator is male (mostly parents and relatives and others trusted by the children).

The statistics go on and on and the stories of children being sexual abused continue (like the recent migrant children in Arizona).

The sexual and emotional abuse I experienced as a young boy at the hands of my first step-father, one who told me each time it happened that it was "our little secret" and not to tell anyone, especially my mother. I never repressed it, and I knew it was wrong, but I didn't talk about it for years.

Kidpower teaches that problems should not have to be secrets, and that sometimes grown-ups have to touch kids' private areas for heath or safety, but it should never have to be a secret. Otherwise, other people are not supposed to touch private areas, nor are they supposed to ask you to touch their private areas, or to show pictures or movies about people and their private areas. 

Kidpower is the global non-profit with a mission to teach people of all ages and abilities how to use their power to stay safe, act wisely, and believe in themselves, and one organization I truly believe makes a difference in the lives of children, teens and adults around the world. (For an important related read on protecting and empowering children, check out Doing Right By Our Kids.)

I also know that many religions, their respective institutions and the people who belong to them do many good things for their followers and their communities around the world. I also still believe in a loving, benevolent (and genderless) God. However, as a child I wanted so desperately to believe in those pictures of Jesus loving and protecting the children. And yet, I was let down again and again by lesser, more fallible men pimping out patriarchy in the name of their heavenly Father for their selfish pleasures at the expense of women and children, just as they continue to do today. We will do everything we can not let that happen to our daughters, to empower them to protect themselves.

This may be uncomfortable for some folks to read, but change for the better doesn't come from acquiescing to the status quo and believing its God's will. Because it's our will, and it comes from confronting the very discomfort we've allowed ourselves to live with, the defaulting to faulty male leadership for generations. I'm angry that this destructive male dominance continues to subdue love, freedom and yes, feminism. A feminism that has nothing to do with being anti-male and everything to do with ending oppression, domestic violence and sexual assault (thank you, bell hooks and Aretha Franklin).

"The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"

"You better think (think)..."

Anything he wants. So, I'd argue being a real man today is all about unraveling our own patriarchal demise.

Be Part of the Solution

One minute I was happily serving drinks, and the next minute I blacked out. And I don’t think the Mickey was meant for me.

Neither of us did. A few years before our oldest Beatrice was born, the Mama (what I lovingly call my wife) and I attended a coworker’s Halloween party. Dressed as Han Solo and Princess Leia, we volunteered to help run one of the backyard bars.

We were having a lot of fun chatting it up with dozens of different people dressed in all sorts of great costumes, most of whom we didn’t know. The Mama was a much better barkeep than me since she’d worked in restaurants over the years and did some bartending. She helped me mix the drinks and I mostly stayed with serving beer and wine.

Maybe two hours or so into the party, I felt wasted. Literally shitfaced. And I shouldn’t have been. I’d only had a few glasses of wine.

“Are you okay?” the Mama asked.

Thankfully the crowd had thinned at our bar, because the world spun way too fast for me at that point.

“I feel really drunk,” I said.

“Wow, you're slurring. You haven’t had that much to drink. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t feel good,” I said. Although I probably said, I stone fee goo.

“I have to go to the bathroom now.”

I af to go to da bamoom now.

We went to the bathroom and then went back to bartending. A while later it was time to go and that was when the world became an acrylic swirl of black and yellow light like Van Gogh’s Night Sky. I barely remember the Mama putting me in our car and driving us home. Then I vaguely remember stumbling into our house. She knew something was definitely wrong at that point.

The next morning we reviewed the night. I had a killer headache and there was no way it was just from the wine I drank. After some research online, we agreed that something had been put into my drink, probably what’s known as a rufie, the date-rape drug.

But again, we don’t think it was meant for me. Probably another woman. Whenever it happened, however it happened, and whoever it was intended for, I happened to be the unlucky victim of a drug-induced blackout. Thank God my wife was there to take care of me. Again, most of the party goers were strangers to us, so it could have been anybody.

After telling my coworker about it, she was mortified and said she’d look into it. These people were her and her husband’s friends, and sure enough, she uncovered someone they knew who had tried to drug someone at a previous party, but denied having anything to do with what happened to me. Without proof, there was nothing she could do about it, or we could do about.

What if I was a woman and the intended victim? What would’ve happened to me? Would I have been sexually assaulted? Would it have been someone I knew, or a stranger?

Today I’m an appointed volunteer on the Santa Cruz Commission to Prevent Violence Against Women (CPVAW) and part of our mission is to partner with local law enforcement and collect data on a variety of CA penal codes to better understand the nature of sexual assaults, occurring within Santa Cruz, and distribute this information to our community. Some of our findings from 2014-2016 of non-juvenile cases to be released soon include:

• In 40% of the incidences of reported rape or attempted rape, the suspects were acquaintances of the victims.
• 86% of the victims reporting sexual assault are Santa Cruz City locals.
• Women between the ages of 18-29 make up 45% of the victims reporting sexual assaults.
• Suspects were 59% locals, 32% unknown and 9% visitors to the area.
• Alcohol was involved in 42% of the cases reported between 2014-16.

One of these days our girls will be young adults and may go to parties like this, whether locally or at college or wherever they end up living. Wherever that will be, according to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization, 7 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. Mix in alcohol and powerful sedative drugs and you've got a very dangerous combination for potential victims. We can't be there all the time to protect our girls, but we can educate them to be aware and protect themselves.

The work we do at CPVAW has a broader mission of ending sexual assault, sexual harassment, and domestic violence in the City of Santa Cruz through prevention, programs, and public policy. October has also been domestic violence awareness month, and 1 in 3 women have been victims of some form of physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime and an average of 3 women die every day at the hands of a current or former intimate partner. Growing up, my sister and I witnessed my mother suffer continuous verbal and physical abuse, another reason why I speak up about it. To give voice to those who need help.

Recently on Facebook a friend asked why men don't speak up about the #metoo movement (the sharing on social media by other women who have been sexually harassed and/or assaulted), and also why so many men stand by and let harassment and sexual assault happen (and anything related to violence against women).

My response was simple:

I have stood by. I have called out. I have harassed. I have been harassed. I have never sexually assaulted anyone. I have been sexually assaulted. 

My wife and I have two young daughters who we are empowering to be strong and be part of the solution. As parents, we all have an ultimate responsibility to instill in both girls and boys their own sense of personal responsibility, empathy, compassion, to be safe with their bodies and their minds, to not react inappropriately and violently, and to encourage all of the above with others. We need to be clear with our children that violence against women and girls, men or boys, including sexual assault, harassment, bullying or anything related is never okay.

So let's be part of the solution, today.

Let's Keep Talking About It: April Is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Here's the thing -- we just don't like to talk about it. 

And I get it. I do. For those of us who have young daughters, my wife and I included, none of us want to imagine what could happen to them at the hands of a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or a significant other, or a spouse, or simply a "date" they've known for less than 24 hours. 

If we only pray, then we pray that God will watch over them so they're safe, always, as well as our boys, to ensure they become better men and treat other women and men with respect and empathy.

If we only hope, then we hope the same sentiment as the prayer. 

And if we go beyond the prayers and hope, and do our part to create awareness and prevention, we can make and do make a difference in the lives of our children and teens (and even the adults in our lives). It isn't easy, because it's an uncomfortable conversation for even those of us currently involved in awareness and prevention. 

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and according to the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, women experience about 4.8 million intimate partner-related physical assaults and rapes every year. Less than 20 percent of battered women sought medical treatment following an injury.

That's millions, mind you. It's horrific and complicated, and yet prevention and awareness still seems to be one of the best paths forward for children, teens and us all. 

I'm proud to have been selected to serve on the City of Santa Cruz Commission for the Prevention of Violence Against Women, to contribute my time to help generate awareness and prevention locally within our community as well as work with local law enforcement, and to help reduce the incidence of domestic violence and sexual assault.

For those of us with children, girls and boys alike, we have an ultimate responsibility to instill in them their own sense of personal responsibility, empathy, compassion, to be safe with their bodies and their minds, and not react inappropriately and violently. We need to be clear that violence against women and girls, and men and boys, including sexual assault, harassment, bullying or anything related is never okay.

Here's the thing -- let's keep talking about it. 

Join us in April (and year round) in giving voice to those who feel they don't have one, in particular victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. The following local, national and global events and activities are happening in April:

April 4, Tuesday – WEAR TEAL FOR NATIONAL “DAY OF ACTION”
All Day – Everywhere

Nationally recognized in the United States and observed annually as part of Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), SAAM Day of Action provides a day to focus awareness on sexual violence prevention.

April 5, Wednesday – CRIME VICTIMS RIGHTS AWARENESS WALK

6:00 p.m.–7:30 p.m. – Santa Cruz County Courthouse

The goal for this observance is to increase public awareness of the impact that crime has on individuals and on communities.  Participants will meet on the steps of the County Courthouse on Ocean Street and walk to Santa Cruz City Hall on Center Street.  For more information, please contact Sylvia Nieto at Victim/Witness Services at (831) 454-2010. 

April 26, Wednesday – DENIM DAY – WEAR YOUR JEANS

All Day – Everywhere 

Why Denim? The campaign was originally triggered by a 1999 ruling by the Italian Supreme Court where a rape conviction was overturned because the justices felt that since the victim was wearing tight jeans she must have helped her rapist remove her jeans. The following day, the women in the Italian Parliament came to work wearing jeans in solidarity with the victim. Make a point to wear Denim on this day to challenge one of the myths surrounding sexual assaults. For more information, please contact the Commission for the Prevention of Violence Against Women at (831) 420-5010 or cpvaw@cityofsantacruz.com and visit www.denimdayinfo.org. 

April 26, Wednesday – WALK A MILE IN HER SHOES 

5:00 p.m.–7:30 p.m. – Lighthouse Point, Santa Cruz, CA (or find one near you)

Join fellow community members as we put on our fanciest high heels to speak out against sexual violence in our community. Men, women, kids, and dogs will be teetering on heels down West Cliff to raise awareness and create a safer Santa Cruz County.  

Walk as an individual or gather a team. You can also donate here. All proceeds raised will support sexual assault survivors and their families through counseling, legal advocacy, and medical assistance, as well as teen dating violence prevention programs in local junior high and high schools.  

http://www.monarchscc.org/. 

SCHEDULE A DATE IN APRIL – ENGAGING THE BYSTANDER

The goal of this free, two-hour Santa Cruz workshop is to find ways how to respond effectively in difficult situations, as well as raise awareness regarding sexual assault for community members and agencies.  To schedule a workshop for your business, friends, church, or agency, contact the Commission for the Prevention of Violence Against Women at (831) 420-5010 or cpvaw@cityofsantacruz.com. 

Here's the thing -- our children are counting on us.

No One’s Ever Asking for Rape

There they were, three little words: And more rapes.

These three words were in response to someone sharing a seemingly positive article about President Obama addressing Air Force graduates that female leaders will help make a stronger U.S. military.

It’s a post that seemed to be relevant for the professional networking site known as LinkedIn – leadership, education, business, etc. But these three little words were the first comment on this post: And more rapes.

I couldn’t get the post and comment out of my head after that, although I never went back to it, nor did I click on the post link the first time I saw it. However, I did take a screen shot of it and wondered what the context of those three words was. I may want to reference it at some point. Sadly, the reference came sooner than I thought.

Was he suggesting that more women leadership in the military would prompt more rapes in lieu of making for a stronger military? Probably. I feel that’s the only read on why he commented that way. Forget about what his politics are. Forget about whether or not he’s was being comedic (or thought he was). Forget about whether or not he was an asshole, which he probably was.

The tired answer of “this is the way it is in the military” or any other modern day male-dominated industry and/or society, which most if not all still are – is simply pathetically tired. That women who put themselves in certain situations are “asking for it” – that it shouldn’t be a surprise that they will be raped.

The reality is that every two minutes in the U.S. someone is sexually assaulted. I’ve been a victim myself. In fact, a report of child abuse is made every ten seconds – 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18. And that's only what's reported. Statistically speaking, child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.

Brighter minds than mine have discussed all this for many years, but I need to speak up (yet again) because of one simple truth: I have a wife and two daughters. Three human beings that reinforce in me every day how precious life is and how important it is to love and respect each other.

I also had a mother, a sister and other strong female role models in my formative years to thank for the respect I have not only for women, but for other men as well. Respect, empathy and restraint. At least for those who share in kind. (God knows the men early in my childhood were no help whatsoever.)

Nobody’s asking for it. No matter what gender, how they dress, how they speak, how they act, their beliefs, their sexual orientation – even if they first say yes to intimacy and then change their minds. Nobody’s asking to be raped. No one. When it’s not consensual, when another person forces themselves sexually on another via intercourse, it’s rape and it’s a violent crime. It’s nothing else but that. It will never be anything else but that.

Except that there are countries, like in Brazil and elsewhere around the world, where a culture of rape thrives. Where a 16-year-old girl has reportedly been raped by at least 30 men in Rio de Janeiro. Where “images of the alleged attack on social media ‘racked up more than 550 likes and a deluge of replies with smiley faces and thumbs-up,’ The Globe and Mail reports. Where ‘Commenters using vulgar language celebrated the damage apparently inflicted on the girl's genitalia and said she had no doubt 'been asking for it.'"

Again, nobody’s asking for it. And yet, even in America, we still blame the victims a lot of the time. That for example, if they hadn’t been at that party drinking and wearing sexy clothing, then they never would’ve been raped. Like the Stanford student Brock Turner convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman, but only sentence to six months in county jail and three months’ probation because, according to the judge, “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”

And when the father, understandably defending his son, states before the sentence was handed down, “That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life. The fact that he now has to register as a sexual offender for the rest of his life forever alters where he can live, visit, work, and how he will be able to interact with people and organizations.”

Sure, it’s his son. But I don’t care that his father thinks it’s a steep price to pay. I really don’t. This isn’t fucking Con Air where the tattooed rapist telegraphs his every violent tendency towards women. This isn’t about stereotypical he-man woman haters.

No, this is about a young man who didn’t stop himself from raping when the girl lay unconscious behind a dumpster. Where he penetrated her with “a foreign object.” Where according to a statement the victim made she wanted “to show people that one night of drinking can ruin two lives. You and me. You are the cause, I am the effect. ... My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today."

He was the only cause. Not her. He went too far. Nobody’s asking for it. It wasn’t her fault. I remember one night early on dating my now wife, really drunk, both of us stumbling up the stairs to my apartment, making out and groping each other, and never in my most primal drunken delirium could I have forced myself on her, conscious or not.

So Scott Herhold of the San Jose Mercury News, I’m not confused “about the severity of this case for him.” I sadly think you are. A culture of campus drinking (and for those of us who went to college know of that culture everywhere) makes no never mind when it comes to rape. Because the 20 minutes of Brock Turner’s rape really comes down to the seconds where he could’ve and should’ve stopped himself. Where he could’ve taken her home, no matter how inebriated, and then gone home himself and slept it off. However, like my dad always used to say (who was in law enforcement for over 32 years), “Should’ves and could’ves only count in horseshoes and hand grenades; they don’t mean shit.”

I have a wife and two daughters. Or, I could have a husband and two sons. It doesn’t matter when it comes to rape and sexual abuse. Either way I will defend their worth unconditionally, as they would defend mine.

I’m outraged. You should be as well. We must all give voice to victims of sexual abuse and rape. We must stop blaming the victims and start making the rapists and abusers accountable. We must be the defenders of those precious seconds prior to a life destroyed, to instill self-aware prevention in our children. We must support organizations like Kidpower, a global nonprofit leader in personal safety and violence prevention education, that provide positive prevention tips to help us focus on what to “DO” to handle different types of personal safety problems.

We must ultimately and definitively educate society here and abroad that no one’s ever asking for rape or sexual abuse. We're just asking for prevention and justice.

Stop! Or Mama and Daddy will mop the floor with you

When you're broken, all you want is to believe.

To believe that there are adults in your life who are trustworthy and will take care of, protect you and not harm you.

That's what we believed when my sister and I were children, what our mom believed. Shame, resentment and anger years later that almost led to a vengeful incident.

Almost.

And then the most recent sad news: The charges against ex-Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky include:

40 charges of sexual abuse involving at least eight alleged victims and spanning 15 years, beginning in 1994.

This from supposedly helping kids from The Second Mile organization, many from single-parent homes and in need of another adult in their lives.

When you're broken, all you want is to believe you can be safe.

Sure, the charges are alleged until proven, but we've seen similar stories over the years, all involving men and women in positions of power and beloved trust, sometimes even in the name of God, supposedly helping the broken young ones (and those who aren't even broken, yet), but then abusing that power while abusing the children.

A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds. And that's only what's reported. Statistically speaking, child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.

Tragic. It hurts my heart when I hear these things. I've been there and we'll do whatever it takes to protect our girls.

The Mama's been teaching Beatrice what's appropriate and what's not with other older kids and adults -- language, touching, etc.

And then just last week, we thought Bea might have a urinary tract infection and the Mama took her our doctor. Of course the doctor had to check out her private parts, and Bea was very quiet, watching Mama the whole time.

The eye-lock trust reassured Beatrice that this was appropriate and the doctor was only seeing if she sick.

So there you go, girl:

"What do you do if someone is doing something to you they shouldn't be?"

"Stop!"

Or Mama and Daddy will mop the floor with you and other colorful expressions you'd rather not experience first hand.

Nobody messes with the B-hive, baby. Nobody.

 

Be a real father figure to help end child abuse

In high school, we had a choir director who took our singing groups to many a competition, which we won much of the time. I was in men’s glee and choir three of the four years in high school and had the privilege of experiencing some of that success.

There were also rumors that the choir director seduced and slept with many of the young girls in choir. We’d joke on the football field that there was no way the geeky choir director was lucky with the young ladies (yes, football players can sing), although that’s not exactly the way we put it.

But there he was, with what seemed to be a constant entourage of girls following him at break, at lunch, after school. Some were even seen taking rides with him on his motorcycle.

Introverted girls. Girls with emotional problems. Girls that weren’t popular. Girls with low self-esteem. Girls from broken families.

Girls who needed a father figure.

You get the picture.

Shortly after we graduated, he got fired. He had indeed been having illicit affairs with young girls for years and it was said that the administration turned their heads for years as well. Finally a few girls had come forward, brave enough to tell the tale of a man with power and manipulative persuasion who seduced and exploited their insecurities and need for comfort and a father figure.

Girls who needed a father figure.

When asked what he would do now that he would never teach again in any school, he said he wanted to be a truck driver. Years of school and graduate work (he had at least two masters degrees in music) and now he wants to be a truck driver, to see the world.

It’s an insult to truck drivers as far as I’m concerned. We laughed about it then, somewhat nervously while I internalized anger; he should’ve been in jail.

Fast forward to now and me having a little girl of my own and the story of the San Jose swim coach, Andy King, who sexually abused his female swimmers, some as young as 10, for the past 30 years.

What started as a "tender, fatherly kind of thing'' ended with King having sex with her for years.

Girls who needed a father figure.

Same story. Different day. Different year. Different city, state, zip.

Why did the girls wait so long to tell?

You're talking about young girls who were faced with the threat: "I won't be your swim coach anymore and you won't be able to swim anymore. That's what was said to a lot of these victims."

It’s all power and manipulation and controlling those weaker and more vulnerable: the children. There’s no love involved at all and it’s usually someone the abused knows and trusts. I know this because I went through it myself.

Responsible parenting and adulthood means paying attention to your child’s behavior, or a child you know, and seek help if need be. Don’t overreact if you think something’s wrong, but don’t under-react either. It’s the latter that’s the biggest problem of all.

Under-reacting leads to a lifetime of emotional problems for the child, or worse.

Reported cases of child sexual abuse in the United States are estimated at 80,000 children each year, according to federal statistics. One in three girls will be sexually abused before she reaches the age of 18. One in six boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18. Fewer than one in ten of these children will report the abuse. Most of these children will carry the emotional scars and guilt of abuse for the rest of their lives, and many (especially men) will sexually abuse others as adults.

Fewer than one in ten will report the abuse. Remember that and be aware.

Here are some important checklists I found online when it comes to identifying sexual abuse.

The following are behavior changes that may occur in children who have been sexually abused:

• Fear or dislike of certain people or places
• Seductive or "sexy" behavior towards adults or peers
• Problems in school, poor grades
• Withdrawal from family, friends, or usual activities
• Advanced sexual knowledge for the child's age
• Regressed behavior, such as bedwetting
• Eating disorders, eating very little or excessive eating
• Hostility or aggressive behaviors
• Drug or alcohol problems
• Suicidal thoughts or attempts

Most children don't tell even if they have been asked, refuse to talk about it or deny that something happened because:

• Are too young to put what has happened into words
• Were threatened or bribed by the abuser to keep the abuse a secret
• Fear that they will be taken away from their family
• Are afraid no one will believe them
• The abuser promised gifts or rewards for keeping the secret
• Blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad"
• Feel too ashamed or embarrassed to tell
• Worry about getting into trouble or getting a loved one into trouble

What Can Parents Do To Keep Children Safe?

• Remember, the person who abuses a child is to blame for the abuse, not the child!
• Always know the people who care for your children, including names, phone numbers and addresses.
• Be actively involved, carefully supervising your child‘s activities.
• Be sensitive to changes in your child’s behavior or attitude, paying close attention to your intuition indicating that something isn‘t quite right.
• Teach your child to listen to his or her intuition or “gut feeling” and communicate it to you.
• When your child tells you they do not like someone, ask them to tell you why and listen carefully.
• Teach your child that it’s okay to tell, no matter who, no matter what!
• Talk about safety and sex with your child, using proper names for genitals.
• Supervise and establish clear rules and guidelines for your child’s computer use.
• Educate yourself (read, listen and ask)

If you suspect abuse has occurred, call your local police department or the child abuse hotline for help: 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

Be a real father figure to help end child abuse. My little Beatrice is counting on us.