No One’s Ever Asking for Rape

There they were, three little words: And more rapes.

These three words were in response to someone sharing a seemingly positive article about President Obama addressing Air Force graduates that female leaders will help make a stronger U.S. military.

It’s a post that seemed to be relevant for the professional networking site known as LinkedIn – leadership, education, business, etc. But these three little words were the first comment on this post: And more rapes.

I couldn’t get the post and comment out of my head after that, although I never went back to it, nor did I click on the post link the first time I saw it. However, I did take a screen shot of it and wondered what the context of those three words was. I may want to reference it at some point. Sadly, the reference came sooner than I thought.

Was he suggesting that more women leadership in the military would prompt more rapes in lieu of making for a stronger military? Probably. I feel that’s the only read on why he commented that way. Forget about what his politics are. Forget about whether or not he’s was being comedic (or thought he was). Forget about whether or not he was an asshole, which he probably was.

The tired answer of “this is the way it is in the military” or any other modern day male-dominated industry and/or society, which most if not all still are – is simply pathetically tired. That women who put themselves in certain situations are “asking for it” – that it shouldn’t be a surprise that they will be raped.

The reality is that every two minutes in the U.S. someone is sexually assaulted. I’ve been a victim myself. In fact, a report of child abuse is made every ten seconds – 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18. And that's only what's reported. Statistically speaking, child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.

Brighter minds than mine have discussed all this for many years, but I need to speak up (yet again) because of one simple truth: I have a wife and two daughters. Three human beings that reinforce in me every day how precious life is and how important it is to love and respect each other.

I also had a mother, a sister and other strong female role models in my formative years to thank for the respect I have not only for women, but for other men as well. Respect, empathy and restraint. At least for those who share in kind. (God knows the men early in my childhood were no help whatsoever.)

Nobody’s asking for it. No matter what gender, how they dress, how they speak, how they act, their beliefs, their sexual orientation – even if they first say yes to intimacy and then change their minds. Nobody’s asking to be raped. No one. When it’s not consensual, when another person forces themselves sexually on another via intercourse, it’s rape and it’s a violent crime. It’s nothing else but that. It will never be anything else but that.

Except that there are countries, like in Brazil and elsewhere around the world, where a culture of rape thrives. Where a 16-year-old girl has reportedly been raped by at least 30 men in Rio de Janeiro. Where “images of the alleged attack on social media ‘racked up more than 550 likes and a deluge of replies with smiley faces and thumbs-up,’ The Globe and Mail reports. Where ‘Commenters using vulgar language celebrated the damage apparently inflicted on the girl's genitalia and said she had no doubt 'been asking for it.'"

Again, nobody’s asking for it. And yet, even in America, we still blame the victims a lot of the time. That for example, if they hadn’t been at that party drinking and wearing sexy clothing, then they never would’ve been raped. Like the Stanford student Brock Turner convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman, but only sentence to six months in county jail and three months’ probation because, according to the judge, “A prison sentence would have a severe impact on him. I think he will not be a danger to others.”

And when the father, understandably defending his son, states before the sentence was handed down, “That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life. The fact that he now has to register as a sexual offender for the rest of his life forever alters where he can live, visit, work, and how he will be able to interact with people and organizations.”

Sure, it’s his son. But I don’t care that his father thinks it’s a steep price to pay. I really don’t. This isn’t fucking Con Air where the tattooed rapist telegraphs his every violent tendency towards women. This isn’t about stereotypical he-man woman haters.

No, this is about a young man who didn’t stop himself from raping when the girl lay unconscious behind a dumpster. Where he penetrated her with “a foreign object.” Where according to a statement the victim made she wanted “to show people that one night of drinking can ruin two lives. You and me. You are the cause, I am the effect. ... My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today."

He was the only cause. Not her. He went too far. Nobody’s asking for it. It wasn’t her fault. I remember one night early on dating my now wife, really drunk, both of us stumbling up the stairs to my apartment, making out and groping each other, and never in my most primal drunken delirium could I have forced myself on her, conscious or not.

So Scott Herhold of the San Jose Mercury News, I’m not confused “about the severity of this case for him.” I sadly think you are. A culture of campus drinking (and for those of us who went to college know of that culture everywhere) makes no never mind when it comes to rape. Because the 20 minutes of Brock Turner’s rape really comes down to the seconds where he could’ve and should’ve stopped himself. Where he could’ve taken her home, no matter how inebriated, and then gone home himself and slept it off. However, like my dad always used to say (who was in law enforcement for over 32 years), “Should’ves and could’ves only count in horseshoes and hand grenades; they don’t mean shit.”

I have a wife and two daughters. Or, I could have a husband and two sons. It doesn’t matter when it comes to rape and sexual abuse. Either way I will defend their worth unconditionally, as they would defend mine.

I’m outraged. You should be as well. We must all give voice to victims of sexual abuse and rape. We must stop blaming the victims and start making the rapists and abusers accountable. We must be the defenders of those precious seconds prior to a life destroyed, to instill self-aware prevention in our children. We must support organizations like Kidpower, a global nonprofit leader in personal safety and violence prevention education, that provide positive prevention tips to help us focus on what to “DO” to handle different types of personal safety problems.

We must ultimately and definitively educate society here and abroad that no one’s ever asking for rape or sexual abuse. We're just asking for prevention and justice.

Let's All Rise Up And Create Healthy Realities

“How can you expect a child to understand the sickness of a world whose eyes are blind? The dying man inside this little boy is questioning his once upon a time…”

—Toy Matinee, There Was A Little Boy

And on the morning that Jesus haunts, our girls awakened to stuffed bunnies and plastic eggs filled with jelly beans. They arose still innocent and full of hope, living in the safety of loving parents and a larger community whose social fabric is still fairly intact.

The day before Easter I took our girls downtown to go grocery shopping and then to get a "treat" at our favorite local candy and ice shop called Marini's.

As we passed locals and Spring break tourists shopping, eating and taking in the sights, I was again reminded that Santa Cruz has always been a progressive city and a defender destination of those less fortunate -- runaways and homeless that include aggressive panhandlers, many of them either mentally ill, drug addicts or both.

This time I was extremely conscious not of the older homeless on Pacific Avenue, but those younger kids, the teenagers with hollow eyes and shallow smiles selling homemade jewelry and other various items, or simply asking for money with poorly handwritten signs.

As we passed the female teens, most likely runaways from broken homes due to abuse of some kind (upwards of 75% of runaways are female), my heart cried out for them. I held my girls hands tighter, thinking to myself that no matter what, this wasn't going to be them. That no matter how much the world shakes things up around us, the Mama and I would always be there to protect and guide our girls.

Amen. Much of what follows I wrote last year, but sadly this is an ongoing problem too many children and teens face every day, their hope of Springtime faded like pastel watercolors washed out in the rain.

Admittedly I've never been fond of Easter. It was always an emotionally conflicted holiday for me. The spirit of Spring renewal, and for those of us raised with Christianity and learning of Christ's ascension from the grave, always gave me elusive hope that I too could overcome anything life put in my path.

For decades I felt helpless, the healing from abusive relationship after relationship just as elusive, and then channeling my impotent rage into depression and unhealthy relationships as an young adult.

My mother and sister here the only support network back then, but they were just as damaged at the time, if not more so than me. Unfortunately too many other family and friends didn't want to know and/or acknowledge what was happening. And we didn't have the skills to ask for help either.

Decades later the Mama and I went from not wanting children at all to changing our minds happily and having two lovely little girls. We knew we were "all in" and would do everything we had to do to protect and empower them while ensuring and sustaining only a healthy network of relationships around us all.

Sadly, the statistics say otherwise for too many others. A report of child abuse is made every 10 seconds — 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18. And that's only what's reported. Statistically speaking, child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.

This combined with having children of our own is why I've been a domestic violence and child abuse awareness advocate for years, and why the Mama is now a certified instructor for Kidpower headquartered here in Santa Cruz.

Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, known as Kidpower for short, is a global nonprofit leader in personal safety and violence prevention education. Instead of using fear to teach about violence prevention, the Kidpower Method makes it fun to learn to be safe, building habits that can increase the safety of young people and adults alike and that can last a lifetime.

Since April will again be Child Abuse Prevention Month, I wanted to again share four recommendations from Kidpower on how awareness, action, and skills can keep our precious children and teens safe from most abuse, most bullying, and most other violence, most of the time:

1. Making SURE kids know you care. Discuss the Kidpower Protection Promise with every young person in your life who you are in a position to help. Tell them, “You are VERY important to me. If you have a safety problem, I want to know. Even if I seem too busy. Even if someone we care about will be upset. Even if you made a mistake. Please tell me and I will do everything in my power to help you.” Ask them occasionally, “Is there anything you have been wondering or worrying about that you have not told me.” Listen with compassion to their answers, avoiding the temptation to joke or lecture.
2. Not letting discomfort get in the way of safety. Decide to make the Kidpower Put Safety First Commitment: “I WILL put the safety and well-being of young people ahead of anyone’s embarrassment, inconvenience, or offense.”  The fear of upsetting or bothering someone can make it hard to speak up – and breaking the silence is at the foundation of stopping sexual abuse. Don’t automatically trust people or places because they are familiar to you, have a great reputation, do nice things for kids, are in positions of authority, or seem wonderful. Make sure that their behavior and values are consistently Worthy of Trust.
3. Supporting young people in developing healthy boundaries and strong relationships. Teach kids positive communication skills. Uphold the Kidpower rule that touch, games, or play for fun or affection should be the choice of each person, safe, allowed by the adults in charge, and not a secret. Teach kids that touch should not be secret, games should not be secret, presents someone gives you should not be secret, videos and photos should not be secret, and problems should not be secret. Coach young people so they are successful in practicing skills – using examples that are relevant to their lives – so that they are prepared to stay aware, speak up, resist emotional coercion, move away from trouble, and be persistent in getting help from busy adults.
4. Sharing information. Tell parents, educators, and administrators about Kidpower’s tools for teaching child abuse prevention strategies and skills for schools and other youth-serving organizations that help protect children and teenagers, including those with special needs, from most abuse, bullying, abduction, and other violence. Share the articles and videos on our Child Abuse Prevention Resource Page.

Let's all rise up and create healthy realities for our families and communities. To that end, our family is part of team Kidpower in this year's Human Race Walkathon & Fun Run, raising funds to help make our community a stronger, safer, more vibrant place to be.

Join us!

To Never Be 9

And then late last Sunday afternoon, July 26, she disappeared.

The search ensued with hundreds of locals fanning out for miles with law enforcement. My wife helped to post flyers. The Santa Cruz community banded together and held their collective breath. I was on a flight to Boston, not knowing yet what had happened.

Monday morning came and went. I learned the news and commiserated with my wife. I hoped and prayed they'd find her. Hours ticked by. The FBI was called in. Monday evening came earlier for me being in the east and I went to bed.

That's when they found her dead in a recycling bin around 7:55 pm PT. I read the news the next morning, Tuesday. Sadness, helplessness then rage coursed through me. The 8-year-old knew her killer, already in custody, although how well is unclear. He's a 15-year-old boy who lived in her apartment complex, not two miles away from where we live. He had kidnapped her, beat her badly, raped her, killed her and dumped her body in a recycling bin.

Tuesday morning I sat in disbelief and sent my wife a Facebook message:

"Sweetie, they found Maddy. I'm so sad and all I want to do is hold our girls and I'm 3,000 miles away. Love you."

I had to wait a few hours because it was only 5:30 am ET. I cried. I longed for my family, but had to work the rest of the week on the East Coast. I cursed the monster who did this, wishing him an equally horrible and painful death. Kill the sonofabitch. I cried a little more.

Sweetie, they found Maddy...

We may tell ourselves we can't imagine such horror, but we can and do. Even with the incidence of stranger child abduction and murder being lower than it's been in decades, when the world spawns a new monster, we imagine he or she is right around the corner.

But none of that matters, not when a child has been killed. It doesn't matter because all you want to do is wall off and protect. It doesn't matter that he'll be tried as an adult or what his background was or the fact that "no one who knew him saw this coming" or how many times it's analyzed until it vanishes under the weight of future "bad news" cycles. Because unfortunately it will happen again and we don't want it to be our family.

All that matters is that Maddy is lost forever. We emphasize and sympathize and thank our deity of choice that our children are safe and we do whatever it takes to ensure that safety.

Later Tuesday morning I asked my wife, "Should we talk with the girls about this?"

"No," she said. "We have to protect them from what we're feeling. Talking with them about what happened will only scare them because they won't understand."

"Okay. Love you."

"I love you too, Sweetie."

Every child's life that's lost to this darkness should be celebrated, regardless of family history, ethnicity, location or socioeconomic background.

In fact, their lives must be celebrated so we as the adults can overcome some of what we're feeling: our fear and our anger and the sadness of not knowing what it's like for our own young children to never be 9. Or 13. Or 21. Or 49.

God bless you and your family, Maddy. We celebrate you and your brothers and sister before you.

What can we say to our own kids if a child is missing in our community? What can we do to keep them safe when they go out into the world on their own? How can we make our community a safer place for everyone?

Read these important recommendations from Kidpower, a Santa Cruz headquartered global nonprofit that teaches people of all ages everyday safety skills and now serves people worldwide in over 30 countries. 

Kidpower is also offering two free community workshops to learn about "People Safety" skills and how to practice them. 

The first is a Parent-Child Workshop geared toward children ages 5-12 years old with their adults and will be held on August 7th from 3:00-5:30 pm. 

The second is a Parents and Caregivers Workshop. This is an adult only workshop and will be held on August 7th from 6:00-7:30 pm. 

These workshops are free thanks to a special grant from Plantronics to support workshops for our Santa Cruz community at this important time. Preregistration is required for both. 

Kidpower was founded here in Santa Cruz over 25 years ago by Irene van der Zande as a nonprofit to teach people of all ages everyday safety skills and now serves people worldwide in over 30 countries. To enroll in either of these workshops or for more information, please visit our website at www.kidpower.org or e-mail Kidpower at safety@kidpower.org.

From Elusive Hope to Helpful and Healthy Realities

Admittedly I've never been fond of Easter. It was always an emotionally conflicted holiday for me. The spirit of Spring renewal, and for those of us raised with Christianity and learning of Christ's ascension from the grave, always gave me elusive hope that I too could overcome anything life put in my path.

For decades I felt helpless, the healing from abusive relationship after relationship just as elusive, and then channeling my impotent rage into depression and unhealthy relationships as an young adult.

My mother and sister here the only support network back then, but they were just as damaged at the time, if not more so than me. Unfortunately too many other family and friends didn't want to know and/or acknowledge what was happening. And we didn't have the skills to ask for help either.

Decades later the Mama and I went from not wanting children at all to changing our minds happily and having two lovely little girls. We knew we were "all in" and would do everything we had to do to protect and empower them while ensuring and sustaining only a healthy network of relationships around us all.

Sadly, the statistics say otherwise for too many others. A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds — 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18. And that's only what's reported. Statistically speaking, child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.

This combined with having children of our own now is why I've become a domestic violence and child abuse awareness advocate, and why the Mama will soon become a certified instructor for Kidpower soon, which is headquartered here in Santa Cruz.

Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, known as Kidpower for short, is a global nonprofit leader in personal safety and violence prevention education, which has served more than 3 million people of all ages and abilities across six continents, since its founding in 1989. Instead of using fear to teach about violence prevention, the Kidpower Method makes it fun to learn to be safe, building habits that can increase the safety of young people and adults alike and that can last a lifetime.

Since April is Child Abuse Prevention Month, I wanted to share five recommendations from Kidpower on how awareness, action, and skills can keep our precious children and teens safe from most abuse, most bullying, and most other violence, most of the time:

1. Making SURE kids know you care. Discuss the Kidpower Protection Promise with every young person in your life who you are in a position to help. Tell them, “You are VERY important to me. If you have a safety problem, I want to know. Even if I seem too busy. Even if someone we care about will be upset. Even if you made a mistake. Please tell me and I will do everything in my power to help you.” Ask them occasionally, “Is there anything you have been wondering or worrying about that you have not told me.” Listen with compassion to their answers, avoiding the temptation to joke or lecture.
2. Not letting discomfort get in the way of safety. Decide to make the Kidpower Put Safety First Commitment: “I WILL put the safety and well-being of young people ahead of anyone’s embarrassment, inconvenience, or offense.”  The fear of upsetting or bothering someone can make it hard to speak up – and breaking the silence is at the foundation of stopping sexual abuse. Don’t automatically trust people or places because they are familiar to you, have a great reputation, do nice things for kids, are in positions of authority, or seem wonderful. Make sure that their behavior and values are consistently Worthy of Trust.
3. Supporting young people in developing healthy boundaries and strong relationships. Teach kids positive communication skills. Uphold the Kidpower rule that touch, games, or play for fun or affection should be the choice of each person, safe, allowed by the adults in charge, and not a secret. Teach kids that touch should not be secret, games should not be secret, presents someone gives you should not be secret, videos and photos should not be secret, and problems should not be secret. Coach young people so they are successful in practicing skills – using examples that are relevant to their lives – so that they are prepared to stay aware, speak up, resist emotional coercion, move away from trouble, and be persistent in getting help from busy adults.
4. Sharing information. Tell parents, educators, and administrators about Kidpower’s tools for teaching child abuse prevention strategies and skills for schools and other youth-serving organizations that help protect children and teenagers, including those with special needs, from most abuse, bullying, abduction, and other violence.  Share the articles and videos on our Child Abuse Prevention Resource Page.
5. Partnering with International Child Protection Month. International Child Protection Month was established in September 2014 to support, inspire, and honor adult leadership in keeping young people safe from harm and in empowering children and teens to take charge of their own well-being. Our first year, we reached over 300,000 adults. Join us so we can reach over 1,000,000 educators, parents, and other caring adults with simple effective actions they can take that can make a great difference in their families, schools, organizations, and communities.

Together we can go from elusive hope to helpful and healthy realities. Happy Easter and all the actionable hope that can and should come with it.

This Day After Christmas

"When someone breaks their heart, we have to wash it to fix it." -- Bryce Grossman

Mom raised the broom over her head and crashed the handle through the window. We froze; the breaking glass should have been louder than it was, but instead sounded as if it were inside a pillow. My sister and I stood behind her, straining to hear anything else around us, hoping that no one heard.

Especially him. But he was at work over 30 minutes away, and I kept reminding myself of that hopeful fact while Mom cleared the jagged glass away from the window frame. It was early afternoon and not too hot yet, especially since we were on the shaded side of the house. I wondered if the older neighbors next to us were home, and if we ran into trouble, would they call for help.

"Okay, honey," Mom whispered to my sister. "You're the only one who can fit through the window. Once you get inside, go open up the front door for us. Be quick about it, too."

He had already changed the door locks, which wasn't a big surprise to us, and Mom had anticipated that we'd have to break in. I couldn't even begin to fathom how much fear coursed through my sister at that very moment. But even if it pulsed through her little heart as it did mine, she didn't show it. Mom laid an old towel over the bottom of the window frame and then hiked my sister up through the window.

"I love you, honey. Just go straight to the door and open it."

And that's exactly what she did. Before going inside, I turned quickly to see if anyone on our street was watching, but all was quiet. Once inside it felt darker than I remembered just a few days prior, the air heavy and stale. It pressed in on us from every direction, changing atmospheres with every step.

Mom handed us each a trash bag. "We have to be quick about this, so look for anything we missed and put it in your bag. Take only what you can carry and then we're leaving."

The house was immaculately clean, which was unsettling considering how much of a mess it was only a few days earlier as we moved our stuff out with five officers in the driveway ensuring our safety. One of those officers was the man I'd eventually call Dad, and it took every single ounce of his police professionalism to remain calm while the crazy one shouted horrible obscenities at Mom. My "almost dad" knew just as his fellow officers knew there was nothing they could do, except keep us safe.

I opened the refrigerator and gazed inside. There was really nothing I wanted, considering we were never allowed anything more than bologna for sandwiches, mustard and Miracle Whip. We hadn't starved living with him, but we weren't allowed anything more than a few staples most of the time. Bologna has very few creative variations and I had experimented with all of them. I actually smiled for a minute.

But then a car drove by and again the wildfires of constant fear returned. I imagined that, as soon as I closed the refrigerator and turned around, he'd be standing there holding a gun and smiling his crazy smile, the same gun he'd pointed at Mom many times before. He'd already tried to kill her, more than once, including poisoning her, and he'd already abused me more than once, my sister absorbing it all like furniture nailed to the floor in a perpetually flooded room.

He wasn't there, though. Only Mom and my sister, full trash bags in hand.

"I love you," Mom said. "Time to go. We're going to be okay now."

And for the most part, we were. Bryce is right, although the washing can take decades, which is why the Mama and I thankfully have some control over the "heartbreaking," at least until both girls are on their own as young adults.

This day after Christmas I again remember and renew my vow to help educate and end domestic violence and sexual abuse. A nice thought if we could ever get there, but at least we can try. This holiday season, the next time you’re in a room with 6 people, think about the following (according to statistics compiled by NOMORE.org):

• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men experience violence from their partners in their lifetimes.
• 1 in 3 teens experience sexual or physical abuse or threats from a boyfriend or girlfriend in one year.
• 1 in 5 women are survivors of rape.
• 1 in 2 women and 1 in 5 men have experienced some form of sexual violence in their lives.
• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men were sexually abused before the age of 18.

Help give a voice to those who can't find their own, so that maybe someday the most wonderful time of the year will be everyday.

Stop! Or Mama and Daddy will mop the floor with you

When you're broken, all you want is to believe.

To believe that there are adults in your life who are trustworthy and will take care of, protect you and not harm you.

That's what we believed when my sister and I were children, what our mom believed. Shame, resentment and anger years later that almost led to a vengeful incident.

Almost.

And then the most recent sad news: The charges against ex-Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky include:

40 charges of sexual abuse involving at least eight alleged victims and spanning 15 years, beginning in 1994.

This from supposedly helping kids from The Second Mile organization, many from single-parent homes and in need of another adult in their lives.

When you're broken, all you want is to believe you can be safe.

Sure, the charges are alleged until proven, but we've seen similar stories over the years, all involving men and women in positions of power and beloved trust, sometimes even in the name of God, supposedly helping the broken young ones (and those who aren't even broken, yet), but then abusing that power while abusing the children.

A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds. And that's only what's reported. Statistically speaking, child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.

Tragic. It hurts my heart when I hear these things. I've been there and we'll do whatever it takes to protect our girls.

The Mama's been teaching Beatrice what's appropriate and what's not with other older kids and adults -- language, touching, etc.

And then just last week, we thought Bea might have a urinary tract infection and the Mama took her our doctor. Of course the doctor had to check out her private parts, and Bea was very quiet, watching Mama the whole time.

The eye-lock trust reassured Beatrice that this was appropriate and the doctor was only seeing if she sick.

So there you go, girl:

"What do you do if someone is doing something to you they shouldn't be?"

"Stop!"

Or Mama and Daddy will mop the floor with you and other colorful expressions you'd rather not experience first hand.

Nobody messes with the B-hive, baby. Nobody.

 

Don't do it for me, or even you. Do it for them.

I remember sitting riveted watching Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. It was the early 1970s, close to the height of domestic violence in our house.

I sat riveted while animal after animal killed one another. Not for sport or murderous intention, but because of hard-wired survival instincts to eat or to fend off being eaten.

I had a hard time reconciling then why a father would beat up a mother, just because.

Just because -- of a bad day, a good day, too much booze, not enough booze, a rainy day, a sunny day...

As far as modern biology and neuroscience can show us, the greater animal kingdom has no conscious design to kill for killing's sake or to rape for raping's sake.

But the great human race does.

It's equal-opportunity killing and raping. Granted, the news this week has highlighted this stories:

• US veterans say military fails in rape claim inquiries
• Lara Logan of CBS attacked by Egyptian mob in Cairo
• 5 Browns dad pleads guilty to sexually abusing daughters

Which primarily focus on women, but the forcing of oneself on another isn't relegated to women. However, statistically speaking, most of the time it is.

Random acts of violence and sexual assault aside, let's talk about intimate partner violence (courtesy of the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence):

In February of 2008, the CDC released the most comprehensive US survey regarding intimate partner violence.

The results:

• 23.6% of women and 11.5% of men reported at least one lifetime episode of intimate-partner violence.
• In households with incomes under $15,000 per year, 35.5% of women and 20.7% of men suffered violence from an intimate partner.
• 43% of women and 26% of men in multiracial non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
• 39% of women and 18.6% of men in American Indian/Alaska Native households suffered partner violence.
• 26.8% of women and 15.5% of men in white non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
• 29.2% of women and 23.3% of men in black non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
• 20.5% of women and 15.5% of men in Hispanic households suffered partner violence.

And this is just what's reported and tabulated.

Consider this:

"A study published in the November 2003 issue of Child Abuse & Neglect found that children exposed to abuse on their mothers -- but not mistreated themselves -- also display increased behavior problems. The research was compiled by the University of Washington-Seattle and the Harborview Injury Prevention and Research Center. The study surveyed 167 Seattle women, all of whom had children between 2- and 17 years old.

The results were stronger among the children who had been abused -- but those only exposed to their mothers' abuse were also affected -- they were 60 percent more likely to show externalizing behaviors. They were 40 percent more likely to test in the borderline to clinical range for total behavioral problems."

Because it's the last story -- 5 Browns dad pleads guilty to sexually abusing daughters -- that bothers me the most.

Because I have two daughters and would and could never harm a hair on their heads. My sister and I had to deal with enough harm of our own growing up.

You can't manage others' impulse control or the whipped fervor of destructive intention, but you can manage your own and teach your children to do the same.

Do me a favor and look at your children today. Take a long look at them and then hold them close and tell them how much you love them.

Don't do it for me, or even you.

Do it for them.

The pain unimaginable is real, and it needs to end.

There is pain unimaginable beyond the bubble of family stability and personal responsibility, caring cultures and community. Pain I don't want anywhere me or my family or anyone I know and love.

It's dark and violent and unrelenting and worldwide -- and it's mostly against women and children.

And mostly by men.

I charged myself to raise awareness and to take action to help prevent intimate partner violence (domestic violence) and child abuse. I grew up with it and don't want others to have to.

Men and women alike can and should work together to break the cycle.

Of violence against women.

I found The Pixel Project recently on Twitter and am so glad I did (they're on Facebook as well). The Project Founder and Lead, Regina Yau, tells the story of why she founded the organization and it's a powerful read.

Both sides also need to realise that it’s not just a “women’s issue” – it is EVERYBODY’S issue.

Men and women alike. Fathers and mothers alike. Brothers and sister alike. Friends and neighbors alike. Everybody.

There's a great resource center for men on the site called The Men's Room.

The Pixel Project believes that as men are a major part of the problem, so they are a part of the solution to ending violence against women.

We believe that as a man, you can make a difference and that you have already taken the first step by showing an interest in and support for The Pixel Project.

Amen, sister.

According to The Pixel Project site:

Violence Against Women, at its core, is about subjugating women. It is the domination of a woman by another human being. One in three women have been abused or subjected to gender-based violence in their lives.

Here are some hard facts:

• The most common persistent act of Violence Against Women is violence by an intimate partner, aka domestic violence. In a 10-year study conducted by the WHO (World Health Organisation), between 15% to 75% of women report physical and/or sexual violence by a husband or partner. Marital rape, a common aspect of domestic violence, is often not seen as a criminal offence, but a domestic dispute, something that could lead to a woman’s death.
• 5,000 women die each year in the dubious name of honour. Most times they are killed to protect the “honour” of the men who abused them. These women were raped, molested, or impregnated against their will. They were then subsequently murdered in cold blood. Some girls were guilty of simply being girls. They too, were murdered because their fathers and uncles thought they needed to be taught a lesson.
• Women and girls are still being forced into marriages against their will, particularly in Asia, the Middle East and sub-Saharan Africa. Many of these women are seen as being merely chattels and are discouraged (sometimes violently) from pursuing their education.
• Worldwide, up to 1 in 5 women report being sexually abused as children. These children are more vulnerable to other forms of abuse in their lives compared to most.

It's almost unfathomable to me to comprehend these facts, especially now that I have a daughter and another child on the way.

Almost unfathomable, but because I remember what happened to my mother and my family when I was a little boy, the pain unimaginable is real, and it needs to end.

All before the shutting of the door.

Riding the Friday coattails of a happy tearful Jam-B day, Saturday morning was supposed to be more of the same.

Which it was, eventually, but not before the shutting of the door...

We were getting ready to head out for a run/walk along the ocean (pushing Beatrice in the jogging stroller) when I went out front to put the stroller in the car and tried to shut the door.

But something blocked the door. I thought it was this leather bag talisman we have hanging on the door know inside (ask Mama about that one), since it does tend to swing in between the door and the door jamb, but that wasn't it.

No, it was Bea's hand. At first I didn't even realize it because I didn't hear Amy say:

"Wait -- Bea's hand!"

Fortunately her fingers didn't even swell up, although her vocal cords sure did -- from shrieking.

God, I felt so horrible. Frustrated and angry too knowing full well I needed to be checking for tiny hands every where there was a door or drawer to shut. I'm one of her parents, one of her protectors, and shouldn't be the cause of any physical pain.

An accident? Yes. Always preventable? No. Mine and Mama's emotional and moral compasses intact helping us make the right decisions in the aftermath? Most of the time.

We got out Boo-Boo Fish, this little plastic fish full of that blue ice magic that freezes, and that helped to soothe her as it usually does.

Then off we went on our morning walk! No harm, no foul.

However, that horrible feeling of hurting your child unintentionally is so hard to shake for most of us, except for the tragic exceptions we read about in the news -- those who's moral compass has rusted, it's moving parts frozen or broken -- like:

Recently 8-month-old baby Bekm was shot and killed by his father in Meridian, Idaho, while 9-month-old baby Wyatt was killed by his father Stephen Garcia in San Bernardino County.

Yeah, this isn't stuff parents want to read, and it's a crappy segue to an otherwise sweet Beatrice post, but domestic violence and child abuse are issues I feeling strongly about bringing awareness to, and hopefully facilitating positive change for.

I received that news release via e-mail from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence two weeks ago and it's been burning inside my head ever since.

It's not just the fathers either. Remember Andrea Yates?

The NCADV e-mail I received focused on the failure of our "system" that supposed to protect those in danger and the need for family court reform, but my point here is more about why what happens when and can it be prevented way before we get to alcoholism and addiction and mental illness and divorce and custody battles and vengeful anger and tragic, senseless deaths?

I believe more of them can be. Even with the sad fact that almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse and many who survive are irreparably damaged, bringing more of the same destructive behavior to their future families.

There is hope. I broke the cycle of familial violence and abuse along with millions of other responsible, loving parents.

Accidents will happen. We'll hurt our children unintentionally and we'll feel like crap. We can educate, elevate and intervene to help prevent the intentional.

All before the shutting of the door.

Bea just woke up. When will everybody else?

I just put Beatrice down for nap. It's been a pleasure playing with her and watching her play on daddy daycare day, holding her close to me while she sucks her thumb and strokes her fuzzy (blanket). I've been gone all week on a business trip, so each day I longed to talk to her and Mama on speaker phone.

Through my entire crazy week, I kept thinking about the Jane Doe rape in Richmond on October 24.

I only heard about it last weekend and it floored me. It's been a bad enough recently with the unemployment numbers, the Fort Hood shootings and now the disgruntled ex-employee shooting in Orlando.

I have people in my life who have been assaulted, including children - boys and girls. It only takes one for me to know that we're far from being an elevated species.

What's even more disturbing to me is that the media coverage of unemployment and shootings completely overshadowed that of the Richmond rape.

I played with Bea for a couple of hours this afternoon - read books, chased her around the living, fed her lunch, put her to bed.

Jane Doe was raped for 2 1/2 hours by six maybe seven men while at least another dozen watched. She was betrayed by a supposed friend who was one of the attackers. She is 16 years old.

Yes, the victim has been getting lots of support and there have been local rallies and letters, but where's the broader intervention and outreach?

Where's the fucking national outrage? Really, where is it? We're angry when disease takes our loved ones and we wear the ribbons of cause, but who wears the purple ribbons?

I cry just typing this up. Earlier in the week and emailed journalist Patty Fisher from the San Jose Mercury News, the first article I read about the attack. I asked her if she could a follow up piece about what communities are doing to address this complete disregard for human dignity and the utter sexual objectification and lack of respect for women. She said she'd try.

It's hard enough raising girls, but Patty wrote something that struck me:

But I think it's even harder for parents of boys. How do you raise a son to be caring and responsible in a culture that too often portrays women as whores and men as warriors and thugs?

Why aren't parents taking more responsibility to instill love and respect in their children's hearts? Is it really those of lower socioeconomic status who breakdown in their parenting leadership ability? I don't think so. I think it can happen anywhere at anytime. Nobody in our world today deserves to be treated this way.

So for those of us - particularly parents or soon-to-be parents - who have the capacity to control our actions and choose the higher path of respect and dignity, we need a call to action of the highest order to change this behavior, to help curb as much of the violence we can, to work in our communities and our children until they understand what it means to elevate and not to hate.

Those who have lesser capacity and ability to do this need our help.

For my Christian friends and family out there, pray the prayers of personal strength and responsibility, because God empowers us with these and choice, the ability to elevate and the ability to teach.

I implore other daddy bloggers out there, Mocha Dad especially, to keep writing about domestic violence and abuse, to push for action and change, to get involved and make change.

I implore those of you who have been abusers, who have turned your lives around, to get involved in programs that educate and elevate others.

I've reached out to Frank Baird, the founder of Walk a Mile in Her Shoes, to organize a Santa Cruz walk for the women, men and children in our communities who have been assaulted, abused and/or raped. I hope to hear from him soon.

Bea just woke up. When will everybody else?

You may be right,
it's all a waste of time.
I guess that's just a chance I'm prepared to take,
a danger I'm prepared to to face,
cut to the chase --
what kind of difference can one person make?
Cut to the chase.

--Neil Peart

We've got to increase the production of purple elevate patches pronto

I pledge to raise awareness and intervene when necessary.

Because I grew up with it. No one should grow up with it. Sadly I've had too many dear friends and family that have.

Many times I've wondered why my birth father grew up to be such a train wreck. Where were the early markers? What catalysts propelled him to a life of anger, alcoholism and domestic violence? As far as I knew there wasn't any physical violence for him growing up except maybe some corporal punishment. There were definitely emotional distance and dysfunction issues with his mom, but both he and his brother had the support and love of their sister.

And what about my first step-father? Sure he was bipolar and refused to take his meds, but what drove him to abuse my mother, sister and me? His abuse was much more mysterious and insidious than my birth father's, but abuse is abuse and violence is violence. Thank God we were only with him for less than three years.

I just don't frickin' know. So happy to have the father I have now, that much is clear.

How do we break the cycle of violence? Prosecuting the abusers and incarcerating is the end game for many repeat offenders, and as it should be. And even in this dismal economy where victim services and domestic violence programs and shelters are scrambling for every penny to stay alive, what are we doing to break the cycle on the front end?

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. My good friend, Kim Wells, the Executive Director of the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence (CAEPV), posted 10 Things You Can Do About Domestic Violence on her blog Domestic Violence and the Workplace. Even though I haven't met Kim in person yet, I call her my good friend because of our online connection and common cause that calls for healthy non-violent relationships.

Here are her 10 things you can do:

1) Sign the MADE petition to get dating violence curriculum in schools. Go to http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/made (did that)

2) Find out more about domestic violence. Go to http://www.clicktoempower.org/ and see the stories of survivors and what made the difference for them. (you must visit this site)

3) Go to http://www.avon.com/ and buy the Women's Empowerment Necklace or Bracelet. (I ordered a bunch of the Speak Out Against Domestic Violence Unisex Bracelet)

4) Learn about how domestic violence impacts your workplace by visiting http://www.caepv.org/. (great resources here)

5) Remember the National Domestic Violence Hotline Number: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or http://www.ndvh.org/. You can call to help others or yourself.

6) Donate your old cell phone (any brand) at any Verizon Wireless store or use free mailing label www.verizonwireless.com/hopelinemailinglabel (did that)

7) Learn to talk to your kids about healthy relationships by downloading tip booklets from http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/ (will do this)

8) Try to understand what happens in DV and how it impacts people. Check out http://www.domesticviolenceworkplace.blogspot.com/. And comment! (subscribe to this blog)

9) Don't ask "Why would that victim go back?" ask "Why would a person hit or abuse someone they love?"

10) Be safe, healthy and happy in your own relationships. Because you matter. And you deserve it. And you are very, very precious.

Here are some quick facts from Click To Empower:

• Each day in the U.S., three women die as result of domestic violence.
• More than one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
• More than three out of four Americans know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.

The last bullet is where we can help on the front end. Don't pretend it isn't happening. Be responsible and help others to learn personal responsibility and the consequences of not doing so or the cycle will never be broken. I've intervened and it's painful and can cause horrendous relationship rifts. I would do it again and again if I thought it would make a difference for the better.

I believe it does.

I have hope it can so that my Beatrice can grow up strong and safe in the knowledge that most people are good with healthy relationships. We can get there. As Kim wrote, we are all very, very precious - and I know my baby is.

Everyday should be domestic violence awareness day. We've got to help those in abusive relationships model healthy family relationships regardless if they're straight or gay, men or women, children or adults, or whatever they're religious and cultural backgrounds are. In the societal context of today, we do not and cannot accept the norm.

In fact, it's more than literal physical abuse. It's those in relationships who abuse drugs and alcohol, who have mental illness, who verbally abuse - anything destructive to self, family and community.

We've got to increase the production of purple elevate patches pronto.

I pledge to raise awareness and intervene when necessary. That's what I'm pledging on my birthday today.

Be a real father figure to help end child abuse

In high school, we had a choir director who took our singing groups to many a competition, which we won much of the time. I was in men’s glee and choir three of the four years in high school and had the privilege of experiencing some of that success.

There were also rumors that the choir director seduced and slept with many of the young girls in choir. We’d joke on the football field that there was no way the geeky choir director was lucky with the young ladies (yes, football players can sing), although that’s not exactly the way we put it.

But there he was, with what seemed to be a constant entourage of girls following him at break, at lunch, after school. Some were even seen taking rides with him on his motorcycle.

Introverted girls. Girls with emotional problems. Girls that weren’t popular. Girls with low self-esteem. Girls from broken families.

Girls who needed a father figure.

You get the picture.

Shortly after we graduated, he got fired. He had indeed been having illicit affairs with young girls for years and it was said that the administration turned their heads for years as well. Finally a few girls had come forward, brave enough to tell the tale of a man with power and manipulative persuasion who seduced and exploited their insecurities and need for comfort and a father figure.

Girls who needed a father figure.

When asked what he would do now that he would never teach again in any school, he said he wanted to be a truck driver. Years of school and graduate work (he had at least two masters degrees in music) and now he wants to be a truck driver, to see the world.

It’s an insult to truck drivers as far as I’m concerned. We laughed about it then, somewhat nervously while I internalized anger; he should’ve been in jail.

Fast forward to now and me having a little girl of my own and the story of the San Jose swim coach, Andy King, who sexually abused his female swimmers, some as young as 10, for the past 30 years.

What started as a "tender, fatherly kind of thing'' ended with King having sex with her for years.

Girls who needed a father figure.

Same story. Different day. Different year. Different city, state, zip.

Why did the girls wait so long to tell?

You're talking about young girls who were faced with the threat: "I won't be your swim coach anymore and you won't be able to swim anymore. That's what was said to a lot of these victims."

It’s all power and manipulation and controlling those weaker and more vulnerable: the children. There’s no love involved at all and it’s usually someone the abused knows and trusts. I know this because I went through it myself.

Responsible parenting and adulthood means paying attention to your child’s behavior, or a child you know, and seek help if need be. Don’t overreact if you think something’s wrong, but don’t under-react either. It’s the latter that’s the biggest problem of all.

Under-reacting leads to a lifetime of emotional problems for the child, or worse.

Reported cases of child sexual abuse in the United States are estimated at 80,000 children each year, according to federal statistics. One in three girls will be sexually abused before she reaches the age of 18. One in six boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18. Fewer than one in ten of these children will report the abuse. Most of these children will carry the emotional scars and guilt of abuse for the rest of their lives, and many (especially men) will sexually abuse others as adults.

Fewer than one in ten will report the abuse. Remember that and be aware.

Here are some important checklists I found online when it comes to identifying sexual abuse.

The following are behavior changes that may occur in children who have been sexually abused:

• Fear or dislike of certain people or places
• Seductive or "sexy" behavior towards adults or peers
• Problems in school, poor grades
• Withdrawal from family, friends, or usual activities
• Advanced sexual knowledge for the child's age
• Regressed behavior, such as bedwetting
• Eating disorders, eating very little or excessive eating
• Hostility or aggressive behaviors
• Drug or alcohol problems
• Suicidal thoughts or attempts

Most children don't tell even if they have been asked, refuse to talk about it or deny that something happened because:

• Are too young to put what has happened into words
• Were threatened or bribed by the abuser to keep the abuse a secret
• Fear that they will be taken away from their family
• Are afraid no one will believe them
• The abuser promised gifts or rewards for keeping the secret
• Blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being "bad"
• Feel too ashamed or embarrassed to tell
• Worry about getting into trouble or getting a loved one into trouble

What Can Parents Do To Keep Children Safe?

• Remember, the person who abuses a child is to blame for the abuse, not the child!
• Always know the people who care for your children, including names, phone numbers and addresses.
• Be actively involved, carefully supervising your child‘s activities.
• Be sensitive to changes in your child’s behavior or attitude, paying close attention to your intuition indicating that something isn‘t quite right.
• Teach your child to listen to his or her intuition or “gut feeling” and communicate it to you.
• When your child tells you they do not like someone, ask them to tell you why and listen carefully.
• Teach your child that it’s okay to tell, no matter who, no matter what!
• Talk about safety and sex with your child, using proper names for genitals.
• Supervise and establish clear rules and guidelines for your child’s computer use.
• Educate yourself (read, listen and ask)

If you suspect abuse has occurred, call your local police department or the child abuse hotline for help: 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

Be a real father figure to help end child abuse. My little Beatrice is counting on us.

The lost art of the disciplined laughing smack

Happy Fatherhood Friday!

Listen, when I was growing up I had my mouth washed out with soap, my bare bottom spanked with a belt and a fly swatter, the indignant pubescent smirk smacked off my face – all in the name of love and discipline.

I never thought of these incidents as abuse and never will. I’m not making light of it either in the context of today's reality; I wrote yet another post about my efforts to help prevent domestic violence and child abuse and my participation in the Human Race.

But what’s with the link between the baby shaker app pulled from iTunes and encouraging child abuse?

The app encouraged users to shake a virtual baby to quiet its cries. One parent,

whose own son suffered brain damage after being shaken by his biological father, worried that "Baby Shaker" not only was in bad taste but might encourage child abuse.

I empathize with that parent; that’s nothing but blatant child abuse and I hope that father was prosecuted. Apple since apologized and rightly so, but I still don’t buy it would’ve encouraged child abuse. I give people more credit than that and responsible parents wouldn’t be wasting their time with that crap anyway. (I downloaded the iFart and Cylon Detector apps – what a frickin’ waste.)

But the lady who lost it and told her girls to get out of the car and then drove away? C’mon. What the hell?

I’m not a mom (I’m a dad) and I have yet to experience the joy of Bea driving me absolutely bonkers, but I would never tell her to get out of the car and drive away. Mama A doesn’t subscribe to physical discipline, but I’d argue a swat now and again would have a positive impact, not a negative one. Time outs are for woosies (just kidding - no hate mail please).

When my sister and I were 7 and 9 we went with my mom on an errand spree. We were maybe into errand number 2 and we were done.

Done. Whiny done. Sniveling, slobbery, crying done.

Mom warned us multiple times to stop it, but we escalated to whiny shriek, bouncing and rocking all over the backseat (long before the seat belt law). After the third errand we were inconsolable.

Mom said, “That’s it. When we get home you’re both getting a spanking.”

Immediately we shifted to begging and bartering mode. I would’ve sold my soul at that point. Mom kept quiet all the way home while we plead with her.

As soon as we pulled into the driveway, she started laughing. A really honest forgiveness laugh.

We sighed with relief. We were redeemed. There was a God.

“You’re not going to spank us now?” I asked.

Mom laughed even harder.

“Yes, I am. Now get in the house.

I don’t think I ever whined on errands again. I’m just sayin’…

Remember, Fatherhood Friday is hip place at Dad-Blogs.com for dads and moms to share stories, ideas, photos and movies with one topic in mind – fatherhood.