Moms and Men (And Men Who Are Moms)

We were so excited to see our youngest Bryce at the opening night of Beauty and the Beast. Being her first time doing serious youth theater, she didn't have a major role, but that didn't matter to her (or us). She was thrilled to be in it, and she along with all her other cast members had worked so hard for over three months to get here.

It was the Friday before Mother's Day this year and I knew how proud my wife Amy was of both our children. Of course, I was too. However, prior to heading to the theater, I had a flash of what-if. What if a shooter came to the theater hell bent on taking lives?

I used to think these fears were irrational and unrealistic ones, but not any more. Thankfully I don't dwell very long on them; opening night was amazing and everyone was safe and sound. The next night, the night before Mother's Day, Amy volunteered to help in the dressing room. It was after 10 pm when the show was over and the cast went to a local ice cream parlor for a treat, accompanied by many of their parents. Again, my what-if fears appeared as I waited at home for them. Our oldest Beatrice was already asleep when Amy and Bryce got home around 11 pm. Again, everyone safe and sound and all was well. 

Sadly, we live in an ailing democracy with increasing gun violence. I'm not against responsible gun ownership; I grew up in law enforcement with guns in the house. However, today we're far beyond a sensible gun culture. And even with the majority of Americans supporting universal background checks, red flag laws that take guns away from people dangerous to themselves and others, mandatory 30-day waiting periods for guns, banning assault rifles and semi-automatic weapons, and increased mental health funding, as of May 1, at least 13,959 people have died from gun violence in the U.S. this year.

491 were teens and 85 were children.

That's just this year. One of the main causes of death today for teens and children is gun violence. One thing that's not talked about enough though is the toxic masculinity that produces this horrific gun violence. Toxic masculinity meaning a need to be dominant and aggressive, to control others (especially women, children, people of color, LGBTQ+, etc.), and the belief that the threat of violence or the act of violence is the answer to problems. Toxic masculinity that includes mostly young and old white males (i.e., white supremacists), although it can include males of any ethnicity. 

Since 1982, 136 mass shootings have been carried out in the United States by male shooters, and only four mass shootings (defined by the source as a single attack in a public place in which four or more victims were killed) have been carried out by women.

Gun violence is such an overwhelming problem in America. Again, sensible gun laws like universal background checks, red flag laws, mandatory 30-day waiting periods, and banning assault rifles that the majority of Americans support are a start, and that means the majority of us must press our federal and state legislators (and vote) for these changes. 

We're also going to have to deal with the toxic masculinity that fuels the senseless violence. This is where moms and men (and men who are moms) can help dismantle and diffuse the need to be in control and undermine others through violence, to push for increased mental health funding and advocate for a culture of empathy and inclusion. I don't want to be fearful every time our kids are in a theater production, or go to the mall, or go to school. 

That's why I wrote this today, on Mother's Day, for all the moms who have lost the 491 teens and 85 children this year to gun violence, and sadly we know there are more to come. Blessings to you all. The majority of us will work to make a much needed difference. 

From The Loss And The Pride

She wanted to speak, then she didn't want to, and then she did. We're so glad she did because we've never been more proud, even after the wind blew her speech from the podium to the ground. "Oh God" she said with laughter in her voice. A little well-timed (or accidental) levity always goes a long with an audience. 

I saw it all proudly and I wasn't even there. Months earlier I had scheduled a workshop event in Chicago on the same date as Bryce's 5th grade graduation, which almost didn't happen for her because of COVID-19, and it was too late to change it.

If there's one thing that coronavirus changed for the good, it's the fact that we've been virtualizing and streaming important events like graduations for family members and friends who couldn't make it otherwise. The timing for Bryce's graduation was perfect during my work event because there came a point where we broke attendees up into smaller groups with different moderators and I could take a break from moderating the entire thing. 

I had the Zoom link ready to go that Bryce's teacher had sent out. I logged on and had my AirPods in and watched most of the graduation while occasionally checking in on my workshop attendees. At one point I told them all what I was doing (so they didn't think I was simply checked out from them), and how proud I was of my daughter, and a sea of smiles washed back to me. 

Bryce was one of three students from her 5th grade class who volunteered to speak. Listening to her speech inspired me to continue to let go of the ongoing stress and worry about life. She shared how disappointing it was to get covid and miss some of the fun end-of-year events, but that no matter what, she was grateful to be back in the end for graduation to be with all her friends and her teachers. For 10 years both girls went to this elementary school, and Bryce celebrated those years in her speech, just like Beatrice does looking back fondly today. 

We're so grateful to be raising such empathic and resilient humans who are both growing up to be such inspiring leaders. Beatrice with her leadership camp this summer and Bryce with her volunteering to speak to her entire 5th grade class for graduation. I asked my wife Amy later if Bryce wrote her speech all herself, and sure enough she did. 

But throughout my workshop and watching Bryce's 5th grade graduation virtually, the tragic elementary school shooting in Uvalde, Texas, weighed heavily on my heart. Those children who were killed just the day before were looking forward to summer vacations and what life had in store beyond, just like my daughter and all her friends did. Again I told my workshop attendees about how proud I was of my daughter speaking, and at the very end asked them to take a moment of silence and think about how we can work together to prevent these tragedies. And then I cried. 

Uvalde, Buffalo, and the list goes on and on and on. 213 mass shootings so far in 2022. We have to speak up, be advocate leaders on violence prevention, and be part of the solution. I know our girls will be. And that's why I cried, from the loss and the pride. 

A Second to Go South

"In the desert, you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain..."

–America, A Horse with No Name

It was the stars I remember the most. The nights were dark and the sky clear, with little to no external lighting around us save our camper's strip of outside LED's. The night sky sparkled like a diamond-encrusted ocean.

We took our family to the desert for spring break near Joshua Tree National Forest, and out of all the fun things we did, looking up at the twinkling stars before going to bed was the most relaxing for me. Of feeling safe and content. Of endless positive possibilities. Not a care in the world. "'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain."

But that was an illusion, because there are still those who are everywhere giving out pain of all kinds. Too many broken people with guns willing to take lives. 600 mass shootings in 2020 and 147 so far in 2021. 

I grew up in a law enforcement family; I grew up with guns. I never like them much, though. When I was 8 years old, I took my Red Ryder BB gun to what used to be called Little Forrest where I grew up, a small grove of Central Valley oak trees where we used to go as kids. I shot at a black bird and hit its wing, maiming it, and then I cried. 

Four years later my mom married my police officer step-father. Early in their relationship he hunted deer and dove, something I had no interest in. A year later, a man broke into our home carrying a large Bowie knife and was right outside our bedroom doors. I posted the story way back in 2012. My mom and dad woke up and my dad chased him out of the house and down the street. My mom then asked me to take my dad's gun to him. I carried it like a dead rat out to the street. My family has been gun owners for a long time, and it was clear early on I was never going to be comfortable with them.

And that's fine. Today, however, our children could be shot in their own schools (now that they're back to in-person school). We could be shot just going to the store. Or anywhere for that matter. And if our children were black, they could be shot just because they were black. Or Latino. Or Asian. Or any race other than being white. 

For those who are lawful gun owners who have had proper safety training, thank you. I do not want your guns taken away from you, but unfortunately you do not make me or my family feel any safer. Because when any of our lives go south, which can happen without warning, with a flash of anger after one drink too many, and/or when suffering from depression, and/or other mental disorders manifest, and/or when struggling with addiction, and/or when so many other problems can compromise safety, gun safety grays out and lives are at risk. 

Also, citizens armed to the teeth standing in front of state capitals or our nation's capital do not make me feel safer. White supremacist military and law enforcement do not make me feel safer. Permitted guns buried deep in your purses or under your car seat. Guns locked away in a safe buried deep in our closet do not make me feel safer.

I don't know how much gun reform will help in the long run, if it ever passes, like universal background checks. No matter what though, our families can practice safety skills every single day. We can also think about the why of the safety skills we practice, how can we prevent dangerous behavior before we're forced to protect ourselves. Back in 2019 I shared that one of the Kidpower instructors I admire (besides my wife, of course) inspired me with this analogy:

When we're literally on fire, we're taught to -- Stop, Drop and Roll -- to extinguish the fire.

But why are we on fire in the first place? What happened to cause the fire? What things can we do to prevent these fires in the future? To make ourselves safer? To make our families safer? To make our communities safer?

In light of the continued mass shootings of late, we need to keep our fears in check and work hard to be aware and prevent these tragedies from happening in the first place, including:

• Practice skills for taking charge of your safety and your family's everyday
• Learn and practice the safety plan at your school/business
• Practice speaking up about safety to those with power to act
• Practice overcoming the “Bystander Effect" and empowering yourself and others to take action
• Help strengthen a positive social climate in your community

These being just a few of the Kidpower Safety tips for individuals and families. 

With these safety tips, I long for the peaceful stillness of the desert's starry night we experienced on our spring break. Of feeling safe and content. Of endless positive possibilities. Not a care in the world. But this illusion of gun safety today is heartbreaking, because no how matter responsible people think they are with guns, they do not make my family feel any safer. It only takes a second to go south. 

Why These Fires Start

"I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep

I'm trying, I'm trying to sleep

But I can't, but I can't when you all have

Guns for hands..."

–twenty one pilots, Guns for Hands

I almost brought the nearest to me to the ground; the two pops were loud and unmistakable. I flinched and knew in my periphery my oldest daughter was on my right and my niece and her baby daughter where slightly behind me on my left. And my wife was with our youngest daughter at the other end of the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. How was I going to help them all?

I couldn't. And then I thought of part of my Kidpower self-defense training: when someone has a gun, you run. You run for safety as best as you can and get help as soon as you can. That most shooters aren't very accurate when people are running away from them, and police departments concur. That doesn't mean you won't get shot, but falling to the ground where you are can make you more of a target. And trying to fight someone with a gun pointing at you, which should be a last resort for those even with a modicum of training, could mean a quick loss of life. 

All these things went through my mind seconds after the two loud pops. But they weren't gun shots – they were just balloons popping in one of the boardwalk games. Just balloons. I sighed and then we were on our way enjoying the day. I can't imagine what it's been like for real victims of shootings and their families.

The immediate fear was palatable, though. Especially considering that only a few days earlier there was a mass shooting at the Gilroy Garlic Festival. And for the first time we discussed shootings with our children, and what to do if it happens and how to stay safe. No surprise, it scared them, but it was still a necessary conversation. 

Then came the weekend after, where two more mass shootings killed 29 people and injured dozens more. 

That's now already 32 mass shootings in the U.S. this year (defined as three or more killings in a single episode).

There have been many arguments as to why this keeps happening in America, but one clear fact documented over and over again is that there are too many guns in this country with relatively unregulated gun ownership compared to the rest of the developed world. In fact, Americans make up about 4.4 percent of the global population but own 42 percent of the world’s guns. Combine that now with growing civil unrest, resurgent racism, simmering hate and fear being stoked by some of the very leaders who are supposed to call foul and unify us, and we have perpetual societal bonfires jeopardizing the lives of our families. 

I say that because one of the many Kidpower instructors I admire (besides my wife, of course) inspired me with this analogy:

When we're literally on fire, we're taught to -- Stop, Drop and Roll -- to extinguish the fire.

But why are we on fire in the first place? What happened to cause the fire? What things can we do to prevent these fires in the future? To make ourselves safer? To make our families safer? To make our communities safer?

In light of these horrific mass shootings of late, we need to keep our fears in check and work hard to be aware and prevent these societal fires from starting in the first place, including:

• Practice skills for taking charge of your safety and your family's everyday
• Learn and practice the safety plan at your school/business
• Practice speaking up about safety to those with power to act
• Practice overcoming the “Bystander Effect" and empowering yourself and others to take action
• Help strengthen a positive social climate in your community

These being just a few of the Kidpower Safety tips for individuals and families. 

And as American citizens, speaking truth to power about why these fires start in the first place and what we can do to prevent them through legislation and law enforcement is also our responsibility. We can and should be shouting from the rooftops about reducing the number of guns in our country and addressing the racist hate and destructive anger that's driving these mass shootings of late.

Speak up and be safe.