Moms and Men (And Men Who Are Moms)

We were so excited to see our youngest Bryce at the opening night of Beauty and the Beast. Being her first time doing serious youth theater, she didn't have a major role, but that didn't matter to her (or us). She was thrilled to be in it, and she along with all her other cast members had worked so hard for over three months to get here.

It was the Friday before Mother's Day this year and I knew how proud my wife Amy was of both our children. Of course, I was too. However, prior to heading to the theater, I had a flash of what-if. What if a shooter came to the theater hell bent on taking lives?

I used to think these fears were irrational and unrealistic ones, but not any more. Thankfully I don't dwell very long on them; opening night was amazing and everyone was safe and sound. The next night, the night before Mother's Day, Amy volunteered to help in the dressing room. It was after 10 pm when the show was over and the cast went to a local ice cream parlor for a treat, accompanied by many of their parents. Again, my what-if fears appeared as I waited at home for them. Our oldest Beatrice was already asleep when Amy and Bryce got home around 11 pm. Again, everyone safe and sound and all was well. 

Sadly, we live in an ailing democracy with increasing gun violence. I'm not against responsible gun ownership; I grew up in law enforcement with guns in the house. However, today we're far beyond a sensible gun culture. And even with the majority of Americans supporting universal background checks, red flag laws that take guns away from people dangerous to themselves and others, mandatory 30-day waiting periods for guns, banning assault rifles and semi-automatic weapons, and increased mental health funding, as of May 1, at least 13,959 people have died from gun violence in the U.S. this year.

491 were teens and 85 were children.

That's just this year. One of the main causes of death today for teens and children is gun violence. One thing that's not talked about enough though is the toxic masculinity that produces this horrific gun violence. Toxic masculinity meaning a need to be dominant and aggressive, to control others (especially women, children, people of color, LGBTQ+, etc.), and the belief that the threat of violence or the act of violence is the answer to problems. Toxic masculinity that includes mostly young and old white males (i.e., white supremacists), although it can include males of any ethnicity. 

Since 1982, 136 mass shootings have been carried out in the United States by male shooters, and only four mass shootings (defined by the source as a single attack in a public place in which four or more victims were killed) have been carried out by women.

Gun violence is such an overwhelming problem in America. Again, sensible gun laws like universal background checks, red flag laws, mandatory 30-day waiting periods, and banning assault rifles that the majority of Americans support are a start, and that means the majority of us must press our federal and state legislators (and vote) for these changes. 

We're also going to have to deal with the toxic masculinity that fuels the senseless violence. This is where moms and men (and men who are moms) can help dismantle and diffuse the need to be in control and undermine others through violence, to push for increased mental health funding and advocate for a culture of empathy and inclusion. I don't want to be fearful every time our kids are in a theater production, or go to the mall, or go to school. 

That's why I wrote this today, on Mother's Day, for all the moms who have lost the 491 teens and 85 children this year to gun violence, and sadly we know there are more to come. Blessings to you all. The majority of us will work to make a much needed difference.