Why They Are And Who You Are

We recently watched Footloose again, this time with our teens, but they didn't really like it. How dare them! My wife Amy and I loved that movie growing up. Besides being a fun teen coming of age story, there's a heavy part when the church members start tossing library books into a burning trash can because they feel they destroying their children's souls. This is after banning dancing a few years prior due to a horrible accident that killed some local teens. The minister is mortified seeing his congregation burning books and he implores them to stop. He tells them all: 

"When did you decide to sit in judgment? When you’ve burned all of these [books] what are you gonna do then? Satan is not in these books, he’s in here … He’s in your hearts. Go on home, all of you. Go and sit in judgment of yourselves."

Amen. And in a way, books actually saved me. From 10 years old onward, I read all sorts of books, mostly fiction, science fiction, fantasy, and even suspense and horror (I loved Stephen King). I'd stay up late into the night reading. Growing up with domestic violence and sexual abuse, I could escape into all the stories read. Fantastical stories that transported me to other worlds, peoples, pleasures, and pain. Those that weren't mine, even if I could relate to what was happening to the characters, how they responded, and how they were transformed. 

In 7th grade, The Lord of the Rings embraced me. I even learned to write in Dwarfish runes and would role play with some of my friends. I also remember reading The Phantom Tollbooth in class that year and the wordplay was enchanting. I loved the story and that began a parallel reading journey of all that I consumed inside and outside the classroom. 

The English literature curriculum I had throughout junior high and high school was transformative for me. I had no idea that reading books like Brave New World and 1984 back then would be so relevant and scary today. I also don't remember if any books at the time were banned from our schools, but looking back now, books like The Grapes of Wrath, Of Mice and Men, and The Color Purple were banned by many school districts across America in the 1980's due to profanity, sexuality, and violence. 

Even growing up evangelical, I never fully understood why so many books were banned outright, instead of simply ensuring age-appropriate consumption if there was explicit material. However, for a 6-month stretch my sophomore year in high school I reactivated my evangelical upbringing by attending a weekly youth bible study where we were told that most things that weren't of God were evil and should be destroyed before they destroyed us. Thankfully I didn't burn any books back then, but I did burn some of my record albums. Eventually I woke from that dystopian Christian stupor even hungrier for new ideas and perspectives and escapism, and my voracious appetite for reading (and the truths in life) continued without delay. 

What's with book banning today? Are we more enlightened and inclusively empathic with what we want our children to read and learn? The short answer is no.

In a recent report by PEN America, the nonprofit free speech organization cited 1,477 instances of books being prohibited during the first half of the 2022-23 academic year, up 28.5% from 1,149 cases in the previous semester. Overall, the organization has recorded more than 4,000 instances of banned books since it started tracking cases in July 2021. And many of these books are largely by and about people of color and LGBTQ individuals. 

4,000 banned books from school districts across America since July 2021? What the hell is going on? What are we so afraid of? Now that we have kids, teens actually, we encourage them to read every day and we're grateful for our school district's inclusive curriculum. Both have been readers since they were little, and while they each have their own reading tastes today, we encourage them to read without any heavy-handed parental censorship. Of course we want to know what they're reading and what the content entails to ensure it's not age inappropriate, but we also want them to learn about other worlds, peoples, pleasures, and pain, just like we did growing up and why we still read so much today. 

Our teens will experience their own angst and heartbreaks, but we want them to understand what others experience as well, to learn about other cultures and ideologies and see the world with eyes of love and empathy without whitewashing the tragic truths throughout our history. This includes everything they're taught in school besides what they read outside of school.  

Writer James Baldwin wrote, "You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive."

That's exactly how I felt growing up. Reading books of all flavors can help us become better humans, to feel connected to other humans, and we want to nurture who are teens are becoming, not what we want them to be out of fear and prejudice. So, read a banned book today and open your eyes to a new world of perspectives. It doesn't mean you have to agree or live in that world, but it does mean you'll get a better understanding of why they are and who you are. 

Able-Bodied Grateful

He really wanted AirPods. So, I set up an online account for him and pre-ordered them for same-day pickup. Easy peasy. I made myself the pickup person since he wouldn't be able to go get them with me. That's because Robby, my best friend of 45 years, had broken his leg. 

His broken leg was wrapped tightly in padded gauze so it would set and heal properly. It wasn't quite a cast, which I assumed was to still give him some flexibility when transferring from his bed to his wheelchair. A wheelchair he's been bound to since he broke his neck at a swim meet during spring break of our senior year in high school. His paralysis has taken a physical and psychological toll since then, but he lives fairly independently with regular home healthcare visits and a van he can drive. At least, when his leg isn't broken, which has happened multiple times over the years.

Prior to the pandemic, myself and a group of mutual long-time friends would go visit Robby at least one to two times per year since high school. (A big thank you to friends Greg and Rob for going to help Robby right after he broke his leg this time). Although we talk on the phone regularly, I've only seen Robby a couple of times the past few years including this latest visit, the soonest I could get up to see him. 

We had a great time catching up, listening to music, watching movies, and reminiscing about our lives and our friendship. Being a partial quadriplegic, his physical body has atrophied dramatically over the years, his bones brittle and easily broken with any trauma, like falling to the floor trying to transfer to his wheelchair or his bed. 

After picking up his AirPods, I brought them back and showed him how I removed them from their container and then gave him the container to try. For those who don't own a pair, the container magnetically holds the AirPods in place and the lid snaps shut easily to protect its contents. 

I watched him try to open the container. Since his accident in high school, I've known he doesn't have the same dexterity or strength as able-bodied people, and he can't pinch with his fingers like I can. I've watched his physical activity over the years, helping him when needed (or if he wanted it), but this time I just watched him navigate the AirPods. After about 10 minutes, he got them into his ears and we tested them. He loved them. 

And it took 10 minutes. If you think about how long it takes an able-bodied person to remove them and put them into the ears, around 10 seconds, 10 minutes is a long time relatively speaking. But not to my best friend. He's adapted over the years and can manage a lot of activities that able-bodied people take for granted. 

The morning I was to head home, I began to feel nauseous and achy. And unfortunately, my body remembered that feeling all too well -- the stomach flu. Or, more accurately, the norovirus, which isn't a flu at all. You can get the norovirus anywhere and I've had it a few times over the years, and it gets you at both ends, if you know what I mean. Ugh. I still had to drive home four hours, too. 

I made it home without incident, but was then sick with it for two days. Norovirus is highly contagious once you're sick, so then I gave it our oldest Beatrice. Then my wife Amy got it. Then our youngest Bryce got it. I turned my house into a cruise ship for a week (if you don't get that reference, norovirus has infamously infected passengers on cruise ships). 

Throughout the week as my family nursed each other back from norovirus, all I could think about was watching my best friend removing his AirPods from their case and putting them into his ears. Again, it took him 10 minutes when it only takes me 10 seconds (and then imagine those who can't do it at all on their own). Living with a lifetime of paralysis reminds me of how much we can take for granted in our lives; my family could move easily back and forth from the bed to the bathroom when sick. Thank goodness he didn't get the norovirus after I left. I'll always be able-bodied grateful and empathize with those who aren't. Blessings, my dear friend, and rock on. 

The Adults of Tomorrow

It didn't really matter what she was arguing for, just the fact that she had to go through the exercise of researching a topic. Then, organizing her thoughts into an argument, writing the argument out, and presenting the argument in class, validated by the very research she did about the subject. That's a lot for adults to pull off, even when their jobs depend on it; presenting in front of people is a stressful and difficult activity. It's also a lot for 8th graders who have only just begun their critical thinking journey. 

Our 8th grader, Beatrice, had to do a project like this in her history class recently. She researched and wrote up her presentation and practiced presenting to us. We gave her feedback, something she's not always open to at this age, but she listened nonetheless and made adjustments. She practiced a few more times and then dreaded the day in class she'd have to present. She did it, though, angst and all. 

Of course we were proud of her. These critical thinking and presentation skills will serve her well later in school and life. This also introduced her to a controversial topic that can skew rational debate to emotional outrage. They had studied Texas v. Johnson, 491 U.S. 397 (1989) and whether flag burning constitutes "symbolic speech" protected by the First Amendment. Beatrice was assigned the argument that it was not symbolic speech and therefore should not be protected, and in helping her with the project, we had some interesting young-adult conversations about this very subject. 

While Beatrice may never want to be in debate club in high school (I never was and neither was my wife Amy), I was fortunate to judge a local high school debate competition recently. The topic was genetically modified organisms (GMOs) and there were 5 teams -- 3 were pro GMO and 2 were not. Their teacher told us (the judges) that they picked their pro or con stance and did their research independently of the other teams. It was only after each team shared their opening statements did they know where the other teams stood. I'm not sure if that's standard debate rules or not, but things got interesting when they moved to the rebuttal stage. 

Some emotion did run higher during the rebuttals, but the teams didn't devolve into trash talking haters of each other's viewpoints. Not that we were expecting it during a high school debate because I'm sure their grade depended on the decorum of the debate at each stage. The key was to listen to each other without judgement, but to not hold back either the countering facts of rebuttals that supporting their arguments. Back and forth they went between teams and I was truly immersed in their powerful interaction. When they got to their closing statements, it was going to be a tough decision as a judge to pick a winner. The other judges felt the same way, but in the end we picked a winner and a runner up. 

Some of the high school debate team members were obviously quite nervous, just like our own kids get in today in middle school presenting to their classes (and just like I still get before I speak publicly). From their introductions, to their opening statements, to their rebuttals, and then finally their closing statements, they delivered their best synthesis of their team arguments after weeks of research. I was honored to be a judge, and just like we tell our own children (whether they want to hear it or not), I told them that these critical thinking and presentation skills will serve them well through college and adulthood. Plus, the empathic skills of listening to others and responding in kind without personal judgement and shaming. There's definitely hope for the adults of tomorrow. 

Holding Space In Our Hearts

The airline text read "flight canceled." I stared at it for a few seconds before I opened the entire text to read it and click through. Sure enough, our flight was canceled. 

I told my wife Amy. "Call the airline," she said.

The airline confirmed that due to extreme weather in the midwest, we wouldn't be able to get out there until Sunday. It was Friday morning and the celebration of life memorial we were going to was on Saturday. Unfortunately that travel math didn't work for us. 

We had been looking forward to seeing family and celebrate Aunt Julie's life. Aunt Julie had been married to Amy's Uncle Brian and sadly passed away last year. She was a joyous loving soul who loved travel, dancing, cooking, playing games, was quite the artist, and generally loved to have fun. We enjoyed our visits and travels with her and Brian over the years and really wanted to be there. It also wasn't lost on us that years ago when we traveled with her and Uncle Brian to Boston was the year before we were pregnant with our daughter Beatrice. 

But again, the travel math wasn't going to work for us. It was the beginning of our kids' spring break, so we quickly brainstormed what we should do, if anything. Do we just do a stay-cation and stay home? Or, do we go somewhere else and spend way too much money? The latter won out. 

Amy wondered out loud what Julie would want us to do. "Maybe we should go down south and go to Disney and/or Universal and have some fun. What do you think?" she asked me.

She waited for me to respond no, my usual default reaction, but I didn't say no this time. 

"Sure, but we need to make sure we can get tickets since it is the beginning of spring break," I said. 

"Beatrice and Bryce, do you want to go to Universal and maybe Disney?" Amy said.

Multiple cheers confirmed the affirmative -- they definitely wanted to go. So, that's when we pretty quickly pivoted and rebooked our trip to LA, grateful that we could actually do that. Fortunately there were hotel rooms and park tickets available. 

Beatrice and Bryce thoroughly enjoyed our last-minute spring break trip pivot and every ride we went on at Disneyland and Universal, even with the long line wait times and the crush of people. Amy and I enjoyed as well, and throughout the entire trip, held space in our hearts to celebrate Aunt Julie's life and the fun she definitely would've wanted us to have, and would've had with us had she been there. 

Holding space in our hearts for the best of us makes the most of every moment wherever we are. 

To Be Me Anew

With all the things that kids and teens worry about and have to deal with today -- like loneliness and isolation of social media, bullying online and off, gun violence, climate change, racism, sexual harassment and violence, and so much more -- watching some of them shine onstage was such a blessing.

Because of extreme weather where we live in California (and everywhere), our youngest Bryce's choir performance kept getting postponed. It's her first year in middle school and she loves being in beginning choir and a local theater production of Beauty and the Beast. In addition to her love of marine biology, we definitely think she's found another calling (for now anyway).

When both the beginning and advanced choir performances actually happened, it was combined with the middle school's talent show. My wife Amy and I and our oldest Beatrice didn't know what to expect, but we were certainly looking forward to it.

And it was transformative, especially for me. I've been burnt out with work, and the business I run has been tough the past few months. I also had to lay off an employee because business has slowed. For those who have been laid off recently, blessings to you. I know it sucks. It also sucks for those who have to lay off even after all the hard work my small team and I put into the business. 

Unfortunately, decades of life and work experience can make you feel cynical, tired, burnt out, and done. That's have I've felt for months now, with the only bright spots being my family, my drumming, and serving on our local school board. So, as we sat there watching our daughter perform songs enthusiastically with her choir mates, I began to feel inspired again. Both choirs were so good. What I wasn't expecting were the amazing talent show performances that were sprinkled in between both choirs performing. 

One boy danced the Napoleon Dynamite dance to Jamiroquai's Canned Heat. If you've never watched Napoleon Dynamite, you're missing out. Performance after performance blew us away. There were kids we've known for years since ours grew up with them, and to watch them now was really a treat. Another girl I coached in soccer years ago sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow, and that brought a few tears to my eyes. That's a special song to me that always tugs my heart strings. 

There was another girl who sang idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish, which was a song I didn't know. Definitely a melancholy song, but there was something poignant and empowering about it. The opening lines had me fixated: Don't be that way, fall apart twice a day. Not all the song's lyrics resonated with me literally, but the chorus did: I don't wanna be you, anymore.

All the kids who performed that night in the choirs and in the talent show were so brave and inspiring. Even those who made mistakes kept going until they finished. They were all nervous and took big breaths before they started, looking out over the auditorium packed with parents, siblings, friends, and classmates. The choir teacher had a non-stop smile on her face from ear to ear. We all did. What become crystal clear to me in all that we're dealing with today in the world -- and with me feeling so cynical, tired, burnt out, and done of late -- is that I don't wanna be that, anymore. 

I want to be me anew. Thank you, kids. You're the best of us.