Truly Their Oyster

And just like that...nearly nine years goes by.

When I look at old pictures of every time we've gone to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, I can't help but smile. That's because every time we've gone we've learned something new about the all the sea creatures they care for there, many that are being rehabilitated to be released again into the Monterey Bay. We've been proud members for a long time. 

Today, our youngest Bryce is very interested in marine biology, just like her mom a long time ago. Whether or not that passion continues remains to be seen, but it doesn't matter, because just like when Bryce wanted to be an astronaut, she's passionate about learning. Our oldest Beatrice is just as passionate about learning as well, and our latest trip to the aquarium included watching a short film called "Behind the Glass." It was about the work they do at the aquarium and how they try to create environments for the fish and mammals that are similar to their wild habitats. They pump 2,000 gallons per minute into aquarium that fills the exhibits for nearly 80,000 plants and animals.

Some of what we see each time reminds us that as humans, we have a big impact on the wildlife ecosystems around us. Take plastic for example. According the Monterey Bay Aquarium website, early 7 billion of the 9 billion tons of plastic that have ever produced ends up as waste. In fact, the average American creates 270 pounds of plastic waste every year. And most is never recycled. 9 million tons of plastic make their way from land into the sea every year. That’s like dumping a garbage truck full of plastic into the ocean every minute. Ugh. This is why we've worked hard to do our part by reducing our plastic usage. 

Also, 90% of fish populations are currently fished at, or above, their sustainable limits. And even with 50% being farmed seafood, it's not always done in the most eco-friendly way and can damage the environment further. In fact, when fish are farmed, there is an increased risk of disease and parasite outbreaks. To combat these diseases, some farmers use antibiotics or pesticides. Lots of fish housed together also produces concentrated waste. Many farmers release this waste into nearby waterways. In addition, experts are concerned with antibiotic resistance. The aquarium also has a search engine where you can find sustainable seafood recommendations and what to avoid. 

Of course we love all the animals we see when we visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium. We love watching the sea otters play, the alien jellyfish dance, and turtles and sharks gliding away in the deep sea tank. The girls also still love going to the touch tanks in the children's area to feel the starfish, sea cucumbers, crabs, and more. 

More than the fun, it truly is the importance of continuous learning about our backyard Monterey Bay that keeps us coming back. We want our children to know the realities of the world around, the role they play in those realities, and the sometimes elusive truths that evolve as our scientific understanding of them evolves, including the mysterious sea and the creatures therein. The world is truly their oyster. 

After writing this, I told the girls during our weekly family meeting how I've noticed over the years how much fun they've had at the aquarium, and how they've always learned something new. 

They both then asked, "What did we learn?"

We laughed and I told them to write us a 5-page essay on what they've learned over the years. They didn't like that idea very much. Oyster indeed. 

Quite The Kick

Bryce had asked when our first kiss was. Beatrice, who's exercising her teenage sarcasm and sass muscles, asked when our first "kick" was. 

"Ha, ha," I said.

"Wasn't it when we took that first walk along the water?" my wife Amy asked. 

"No," I said. "It was when I fixed you dinner for the first time. Technically our second date."

Our daughters both wanted to know the story, so we told them.

After Amy and I first me one day at the beach in 1997, I had asked Amy to go on a walk at dusk the next week. We brought flashlights and walked along the water and talked and talked. We sat on one of the benches along the water and talked and talked. Then I walked her back to her apartment.

But we didn't kiss then. After our walk, I asked her out for a dinner date. Me fixing her dinner at my apartment was the idea, which was in the building adjacent to mine. She said yes. I told I was thinking of fixing some pasta, salad, garlic bread, and some wine. She said great. 

At the time I had only been living on my own again as a bachelor for a few months (another story for another time), and so, I didn't have a lot of food at my place. I also commuted to work every day to San Jose, and the drives could be grueling. There was a lot of eating out. 

The dinner date night came quick, and I did not plan ahead. Amy came over for the date and I asked her if she'd like to go to the store with me. She said sure and we went. 

I gathered the ingredients I needed to fix dinner, but there was also one more important thing I didn't have at my apartment: toilet paper. She didn't know that, but would know that when she used my bathroom and there was none. 

Amy didn't care that I needed to get toilet paper. Was happy that I was buying toilet paper, of course. That might've been a love killer if I didn't have any. We brought everything back, I fixed the dinner, we ate, we talked, we laughed, and we kissed. And I then I fell deeply in love. 

Nearly 25 years later, I'm still deeply in love, and when they asked, we told our daughters this story of when we first kissed. Beyond the "yucks" they did think it was sweet. We've always been comfortable showing affectionate around them, kissing and hugging and saying "I love you," because we want them to see that we love and care for one another. 

Still, Mom and Dad intimacy may creep them out sometimes, especially during their coming teenage years, but modeling heathy emotional and physical intimacy is key as their early relationships blossom. Telling our kids no, don't like anyone, don't have any crushes or fall in love, don't kiss or hug, isn't an option. It will happen. Probably more than once. And we want to be a part of those experiences and give them the support they need on the rollercoasters to come. 

Beatrice being sassy and asking about our first "kick" definitely hit the mark, because that first kiss was quite the kick.

Appreciate Awards For All

Nearly two months before the holidays, our youngest daughter Bryce wanted an award. Not for herself, but for her 5th grade teacher, Mr. B.

I was ordering trophies for her and her soccer teammates, and she asked if we could order an appreciation award for her teacher. One she'd give to him before the holiday break began. She really enjoys her class and her teacher, and so we agreed. She helped pick out the award out and we ordered it. 

Like many school-age kids everywhere, the upside-down pandemic world continues to impact their education and their mental health. Thankfully, we've been back to in-person school this school year, and even with the Omicron surge, went back to in-person after the holidays. That hasn't been the case for many public school districts in California and across the country. 

In California, more than 65,000 students and staff tested positive for COVID-19 after the holidays. This happened nearly everywhere, and teachers everywhere are burnt out, sick, quitting, and not going back, and lawmakers are rewriting hiring rules and lowering requirements to fill teacher vacancies. 

The negative emotional and psychological impact on children, parents, teachers, and administrators have been significant. We're all trying to right ourselves from flipping upside-down so many times since March 2020. Already teachers struggle with more behavioral problems in the classroom that weren't there pre-covid. Our own children did okay during distance learning and integrating back into in-person school, but so many fell behind and mental health issue abound. Even with more learning choices for families today, our children's education will never be the same. 

This is why losing a beloved teacher like we did during the holidays was so much more devastating to our school community in addtion to all the pandemic trauma. And why it was more bittersweet after my wife Amy had put together teacher-appreciation holiday gifts with supportive notes from our daughters at the end of last year, which they gave to each of the their teachers personally. And why Bryce wanted to give her teacher a very special award. 

Everyone is struggling on some level due to the disruption that seems to be never-ending. Regardless of how or where your kids go to school, don't forget that as parents, we're their teachers, too. Everything we do or say, our kids absorb and model, so blaming broken systems and burnt out teachers isn't helpful. 

I grew up with the competitive criticism that not everyone deserves an award. But for teachers, healthcare professionals, and essential workers everywhere -- along with parents, especially those who are also these very essential workers -- there should be appreciation awards for all with notes of nurturing and support. Blessings to you all.

An Impactful Loving Life

"It's true that love can change us
Never quite enough
Sometimes we are too tender
Sometimes we're too tough..."

—Rush, Emotion Detector

They forgot the onion rings. I had gone out to pick up some take-out food for the family, and when I went through a fast food drive-thru, I decided to stop in the parking lot to check the order. Sure enough, the onion rings weren't there. No problem. I went through again and they gave me the onion rings they had forgotten, but as I drove away, I ate one of the fries. It was soft and cold. Ugh. I went through the drive-thru again, and they gave me hot and crispy fries. They were pleasant and I thanked them. 

Our oldest daughter Beatrice also wanted a shake. The fast food place weren't making shakes for whatever reason, so I had to go to another place to get one. The person helping me literally rolled their eyes and sighed when I asked for a strawberry shake. They made it for me, and considering there was no one else in the establishment, I didn't understand the attitude. I thanked them and left.

After going to the third place to get my wife and me our favorite weekly taqueria meal, which went fine (they know us well there), I was frustrated from having to go to so many different places to get my family food, something I've done many times in the past without incident. This time it just made me mad for taking so long and I knew the food would be cold (which some of it was). When I got home I announced to my wife and two daughters:

"I'm never going out to get food again."

Of course, I didn't mean it. I was just frustrated and triggered for no good reason really. After whining about it for a bit, I realized how bad it all sounded, and I apologized. First of all, I was more than grateful that we were able to get any kind of food we want to begin with whenever we wanted. My wife concurred. I also told them all that restaurants of all types have struggled to stay open and stay staffed during the pandemic and continue to struggle. I wasn't rude to these different eatery employees, but too many consumers have been the past two years; it can be such a thankless job for what minimum wage pays. And even with wages increasing more in the past year than the past time for the lowest wage earners, inflation continues to eat away any gains they may have had.

That last part I thought better about digressing on, sensing my family didn't want an economics lecture. But my grumpy reaction to just going out to pick up food did remind me of our weekly family meetings where, among many important dynamics, we cover:

• Managing emotions
• Positive communications
• Providing support

What happened reminded me that we're all easily triggered, and although we should be more responsible for how we react in any situation, it ain't as easy as the being triggered part. In fact, there are too many people struggling these days -- mentally, emotionally, spiritually -- all the -ally's for that matter. As the pandemic continues to turn us upside down, keeping our communication with each other positive and supportive can be difficult to sustain. 

As my wife and I have learned from reading researcher Brené Brown, someone who's studied courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy for the past two decades, being vulnerable with each other and staying positive and supportive in the moment is hard. Armoring up and lashing out is the unfortunate easy-button default setting we keep powered on. 

We can rewire this default setting. We really can. Our family works on it every day of every week. It's not always easy, but mercy me it makes for an impactful loving life.

Our Habits of Healthy

Words are powerful things. They can love and nurture us. They can degrade and hurt us. And unfortunately with the latter, we share them all too easily before we think them through. 

But when we do think them through thoughtfully, they can be empowering building blocks that change our immediate worlds and the greater world around us for the better. 

Starting in January 2021, I asked my work team to share a meaningful word at the end of our staff meetings. Whatever resonated with them in that moment. It didn't matter if it related to work or not either. Just one word that encapsulated how they felt right then and there. Words like:

• Grateful
• Invigorated
• Apprehensive
• Closure
• Compassion
• Unstuck
• Unity
• Celebration

And the list of words goes on and on. Just like our weekly family meetings where we share compliments, gratitude, appreciation and "noticing" -- something nice we notice about each other and/or ourselves that we share as a family -- and more. Words that love and nurture my wife, my children, and me, while also talking about the why of those that degrade and hurt us, if and when they arise. Putting a positive spread into practice, takes practice. 

For the past few years on New Year's Day, the executive director and founder of Kidpower International, the organization my wife works for, has asked the Kidpower community what word of phrase they'd use to describe the coming year. My wife's word this year is well-being, which means "the state of being comfortable, healthy, or happy." Her wish for us all is to live with a sense of well-being in every moment.

Amen. My word for 2022 is "habit" -- of making empathy, love, and learning daily habits. Of taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Of having healthy relationships that are nurturing and reciprocally trusting and respectful of boundaries, without judgment. Habit literally means "a regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up," and literally the world we've lived in for the past two years has pushed many to the edge of giving up on these kinds of healthy habits. 

Let's reinvest in our habits of healthy this year. Blessings to you all and Happy New Year.