The Long Tail of Daddy Goat Gruff

 "One day I'd nail it; the next day I couldn't. All you can do is keeping trying – be stubborn."

–Neil Peart

Don't eat on the couch.

Stop leaving your towel on the floor.

Don't leave your art on the kitchen table.

Stop playing on your devices.

Don't leave your clothes in our bathroom.

Stop leaving your towel on the floor!

Don't. 

Stop.

Don't. Stop.

Don't stop!

It's been my default response setting since the day our first daughter Beatrice pulled herself upright and began stumbling around the house. I even doubled down on the default responses when our youngest Bryce did the same. 

I am still that Daddy Goat Gruff. It isn't easy to reprogram such wired reactive responses of punitive discouragement going back decades to my own childhood. Don't do this and stop doing that. It's how I was raised, even with a loving and encouraging mother. 

My wife Amy has always encouraged an alternate way of raising our children. That solidified in her study and practice of Kidpower and now Positive Discipline. These days we practice Kidpower every single day, empowering each other with emotional and physical safety skills, boundary setting and more. We're also now taking a Positive Discipline course together, which is designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities.

According to Positive Discipline, there are different styles of parenting that not only impact our children's lives, but all the lives we interact with each and every day. For example:

Authoritarian (Control Through Power & Coercion)

• Order without freedom.
• No choices.
• You do it because I said so!
• Behavior modification with a heavy emphasis on rewards & punishment.
• Often invites rebellion & sneakiness.
• And more...

Permissive (No Limits)

• Freedom without order.
• Unlimited choices.
• You can do anything you want.
• Very loving, however, low demands with few guidelines & rules.
• Makes things as easy as possible for the child.
• And more...

Positive Discipline (Firmness With Dignity & Respect)

• Freedom with order.
• Limited/realistic choices…you can choose within limits, which show respect for all.
• Formulates guidelines for the child.
• Provides the child with decision-making possibilities.
• Holds the child accountable.
• And more...

It's the positive discipline I'm really working on. We're both working on, although it does come easier to Amy. And thankfully she encourages me all the time. That's important, because encouragement is also a big part of positive discipline. 

For example, every night after Beatrice takes a bath, she leaves her clothes on our bathroom floor, and then dumps her wet towel on the floor, either in the hallway, on her bedroom floor, or sometimes downstairs in the living room. 

It's drives me friggin' bananas. And every night before bed, I tell her to please pick up her clothes in the bathroom and hang up her towel. Amy echoes that sentiment. I've even started encouraging her to put her clothes in the dirty clothes right after she gets out of the bath and then hang up her towel when she's done with it. I want her to be part of the solution.

So, I am working on it. There needs to be constant and firm reminders for Bea about the clothes and towel, but we are working on it. Even thought the Neil Peart quote I shared was more about drumming than parenting, there is an equanimity between being firm and stubborn to get the positive parenting right. Sure the default settings still kick in -- don't -- stop -- stop -- don't. As I wrote above, reprogramming decades of such wired reactive responses of punitive discouragement, the long tail of Daddy Goat Gruff, takes practice and perseverance. All I can do is keep trying and doing.