A Wonderful Thing To Witness

The ripped chip bag rested peacefully on the kitchen counter. Although its usefulness had come to an end, and the remaining potato chips now sat safely in a resealable bag, its demise was a violent one. There wasn't just one random rip down the side of the bag -- there were multiple shreds -- as if ripped apart by sharp talons of a hungry animal. 

"Beatrice, let me show you again how to open up the chip bags," I said to our oldest daughter. 

"It's really hard to open!" Bea exclaimed.

And so it goes. Not only about opening up chip and cereal bags, but also resealing them with clips. 

"Girls, let me show you again how to clip the bags shut," I said to both our girls, holding up a bag of cereal and a clip. "Fold the open end a couple of times and then clip it, like this. That way the stuff inside stays fresh."

"Okay, Dad. We'll do it," they both said.

Which then they don't, half-sealing or leaving open on the table. And so it goes. We keep practicing Positive Discipline, though, and now that our children are flying headlong into teenage-land, there will be constant reminders like these. Over and over and over again. 

The good news is that for the past few years they've received an allowance for doing specific chores each week around the house. And those things they do, with the occasional reminder or two. Sometimes with a serving or two of teen sass as well. 

We're okay with that because we're eons from the days of wiping buts and noses. We do miss those days of their childhood (but not really the wiping buts part), especially when our phones pop up photo memories from years past. But mercy me -- Beatrice is cooking now! And both our daughters are transforming into responsible and accountable human beings, finding their individuality and independence with eyes of love and empathy. 

Recently after the bitter freezing cold weather that stretched all the way down into Texas, Beatrice announced she wanted to do something. She announced this at the end of one of our weekly family meetings. 

"I want to give to Texas," said Beatrice.

"You do?" I said.

"Yes, because of the water and power problems. People need help," she said.

"Do you both want to donate your allowance 'give' money you saved?" said their mom, Amy.

"Yes," Bea and Bryce said. 

"Then we'll match it," said Amy.

Another big milestone arrived recently as well -- one that involves a developing independence. The girls have spent more and more time alone at home by themselves when Amy and I are going for a walk or a hike or running errands. However, this latest milestone was a different kind of alone, one involving venturing into the world without Mom and Dad. Every Saturday there is a farmers' market across the street from us. It's the beginning of a highway actually, but there is a four-way stoplight at the intersection with "walk - don't walk" signals. 

The girls really wanted to go by themselves and get some yummy treats. We agreed and then reviewed our safety plans about crossing the street. We also reviewed our Kidpower safety about being on their own and being calm, confident and aware about everything and every person around them as they walked to the farmers' market and back again. We gave them some money and reminded them to buy us carrots with the greens so our rabbit could eat the greens. 

Off they went. "Should we follow them?" I asked Amy. 

"No, let them go. They'll be okay," she said. 

The girls don't have phones yet, although that will change this year as they start doing more things on their own, and as they finally get to go back to in-person school (Bea will be in 7th grade and Bryce in 5th in the fall!). And while they struggle with opening and closing chip and cereal bags, among other things that we as adults take for granted (and can also still struggle with), their path to independence is a wonderful thing to witness and an honor to be a part of. 

Some Things Are Not A Choice

Checking first is critical. Always has been. Especially when there's an agreed-upon plan with the adults in charge. Meaning us, the parents. Checking with us first before they, our kids, change the plan.

For example, if the plan is, you, our children, will wear your masks inside when over at one of our pod homes, then you wear your masks inside. Pod homes meaning the families we rotate with a few times a week to watch each other's kids. Our kids get to play with their friends after school, and the parents get a break for a few hours after school. 

Even if the adult in charge at that point and time in the house they were all in says it's okay to not wear masks, our children know they are supposed to check first with us before they do anything different than the agreed-upon plan. One of their friends didn't wear a mask inside, then others joined in, including our children. 

After we went camping recently and were around a lot of people we did not know, even though we wore our masks and practiced COVID-19 safety protocols, we still were around a lot of different people. That, combined with the fact that another one of our pod families were around others indoors without masks, and we decided it was for the best that our girls wear their masks inside when at the other pod families that following week. That included our own home when it was our turn during that week.

Like checking first, some things are not a choice is another Kidpower mantra we repeat daily. And no matter the COVID-19 fatigue we've all been feeling, and mercy me have we been feeling it, it doesn't change how we practice health and safety protocols during a pandemic. This is true for our pod families and they all want to be safe as well. 

It's been nearly a year since covid lockdown and distance learning for us where we live. And it sucks. Super sucks. We've done well as a family, and with our friends and pod families, but it still super sucks. We also don't disparage our friends because our kids decided to change the plans and take their masks off, no matter if the adult in charge said it was okay. We're all exhausted from this pandemic. Again, it super sucks. 

Both our daughters tried to make the case that, since this was an agreement they didn't agree with, that it was okay to take off their masks. And we again reminded them, some things are not a choice and that we always check first with us before the plan is changed. 

What is the natural consequence to be though? Should our daughters not be allowed to get together with the pods and friends for a week? That was our idea at first, and we posed this question to the parents in the Positive Discipline class we're in. The consensus was, no. Punitive discipline does not foster learning the right lessons, and especially not after the fact. Keeping communication open and continuing to be clear about the plan is key: thank you for telling us and what could you/we do differently next time before making a decision to change the plan. Always check first.

Children and teens don't have the capacity for consistent and rational decision making. Good God, so many adults don't either. We believe in including our daughters in the decision-making process, even though obviously we are the parents, the adults in charge. 

This is why our family meetings are so important every week. Why personal responsibility and accountability are so important today, and tomorrow when they're teens. One of the parents in our class shared that in their friend pod, covid spread quickly due to not practicing safety protocol. Here was the natural consequence to learn from. Our oldest Beatrice realized that it wasn't just about potentially exposing themselves to the virus, it was about exposing us to it, her parents, who were more likely to get sick than either her or her sister. 

No matter how tired we all are, some things are not a choice.  

Running In Parallel

Hearts by Bryce

She kept saying she smelled propane. I didn’t smell it. Now, my wife Amy has Spidey sense (from the comic book superhero Spider-Man – the ability to sense things others can’t – like me), so I didn’t necessarily doubt she smelled something was wrong, but I didn’t smell any propane, so thought everything was fine.

When we hooked up our trailer camper to go on a little family trip, she again said she definitely smelled it. When we arrived at our camping destination and had begun setting up our trailer camper, she said it again.  

“No, really. I smell propane. And do you hear that humming?”

I did. Hear the humming, but I still didn’t smell propane. However, I did smell the faint scent of something burning, something acidic. That’s when I leaned over to one of the two 6-volt batteries that powered our trailer camper. 

There was the hum and there was the smell.

“What the hell?”

We quickly removed the battery covers and sure enough, the humming and smelly battery was also very hot. We then quickly disconnected the batteries and called Amy’s Uncle Brian. Brian is a retired power company lineman and extremely knowledgeable about all things electric, wiring, power and so much more beyond that (he’s helped us with many things). We had him on FaceTime and we walked through how the batteries were supposed to be connected in parallel so as to increase the amp-hour capacity with the voltage remaining the same. This way if there is a break in the circuit, the current is able to pass through the circuit through different paths. Things way above my pay-grade. I had disconnected them months earlier when we stored the camper to prevent what’s called parasitic draw (things on in the camper still drawing power even though it’s just sitting there). I set up solar trickle chargers for the battery as well that helped to keep them charged. 

But when we prepped the camper for our first trip of the year, I connected the batteries incorrectly, hence the smell and the humming. In all fairness to us, which even Brian admitted, the parallel connector cable was red. And red wire usually means positive, but that wasn't the case here, hence the parallel connection from negative on one battery to positive on the other that I didn't follow when reconnecting. Thank God for Spidey sense, teamwork and Uncle Brian. 

"Phew, thank goodness we figured that out and didn't fry our camper," I said.

"Yes, indeed. And now we know how to connect correctly," Amy said. 

"I took a picture as well!" 

"Good."

"Can we finish setting up camp now?" the girls cried out. 

After we reconnected the batteries correctly, all was well. Our daughters were off from school for a few days due to Presidents’ Day, and so it was time to take the camper out again for a little adventure. Plus it was Valentine’s Day weekend, and for us there was no better way to spend it than with our entire family – including our dog Jenny.

We went down to Paso Robles and Morro Bay and had so much fun. I got to show our girls where I spent many pre-teen and teenage summers (Morro Bay), while checking out some fun and funky hot springs in Paso Robles among other wine-tasting activities. For us, of course, not the kids. And then ending every night around our fire pit to make s’mores while the girls shared stories about growing up (dozens of them actually in the 10 and 12 years of their lives so far!). 

After nearly a year of pandemic, working from home, schooling from home, limiting family and friend interactions to our local pod few, we’re more grateful than ever that we’ve been safe and well. Last February we adopted our dog Jenny, which we never thought we would do until we involved the girls in the process of taking care of a dog. We also never thought we'd have a camper either, and that's also been a family affair, with Amy and I learning a whole bunch of new stuff in a short period of time. Still learning, too, especially since I almost caused a nuclear meltdown with our camper batteries. But we didn't, we keep reminding ourselves. We did not.

The operative world being we, because we are a team. Amy and I have always been a good team, even when nerves are frayed and I'm Daddy Goat Gruff. We don't always agree on how to get there, but we get there intact. We also both drive and back that dang trailer camper up like semi-pros now, and we ask for help when we need it (thank you, Uncle Brian!). We've also expanded our camping team to our two daughters. They pack most of their own stuff for trips, and help us pack as well. They also help us retract and extend the camper stabilizers and tongue jack, connect and disconnect the camper to the hitch ball joint, and more. Sure, Amy still does most of the list-making, planning, prepping and packing, and I still do a lot of the literal heavy lifting of packing and unpacking, camper connections and more. The girls offer to help and we include them in as much as we can. Except when they're off playing, or taking Jenny for a walk, because they are still kids. 

We are a team. This past year we've become exponentially closer – four hearts running in parallel – with our love a current continuously flowing through each other and back again no matter what we face individually or as a family. In other words, #BhivePower. 

The Long Tail of Daddy Goat Gruff

 "One day I'd nail it; the next day I couldn't. All you can do is keeping trying – be stubborn."

–Neil Peart

Don't eat on the couch.

Stop leaving your towel on the floor.

Don't leave your art on the kitchen table.

Stop playing on your devices.

Don't leave your clothes in our bathroom.

Stop leaving your towel on the floor!

Don't. 

Stop.

Don't. Stop.

Don't stop!

It's been my default response setting since the day our first daughter Beatrice pulled herself upright and began stumbling around the house. I even doubled down on the default responses when our youngest Bryce did the same. 

I am still that Daddy Goat Gruff. It isn't easy to reprogram such wired reactive responses of punitive discouragement going back decades to my own childhood. Don't do this and stop doing that. It's how I was raised, even with a loving and encouraging mother. 

My wife Amy has always encouraged an alternate way of raising our children. That solidified in her study and practice of Kidpower and now Positive Discipline. These days we practice Kidpower every single day, empowering each other with emotional and physical safety skills, boundary setting and more. We're also now taking a Positive Discipline course together, which is designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities.

According to Positive Discipline, there are different styles of parenting that not only impact our children's lives, but all the lives we interact with each and every day. For example:

Authoritarian (Control Through Power & Coercion)

• Order without freedom.
• No choices.
• You do it because I said so!
• Behavior modification with a heavy emphasis on rewards & punishment.
• Often invites rebellion & sneakiness.
• And more...

Permissive (No Limits)

• Freedom without order.
• Unlimited choices.
• You can do anything you want.
• Very loving, however, low demands with few guidelines & rules.
• Makes things as easy as possible for the child.
• And more...

Positive Discipline (Firmness With Dignity & Respect)

• Freedom with order.
• Limited/realistic choices…you can choose within limits, which show respect for all.
• Formulates guidelines for the child.
• Provides the child with decision-making possibilities.
• Holds the child accountable.
• And more...

It's the positive discipline I'm really working on. We're both working on, although it does come easier to Amy. And thankfully she encourages me all the time. That's important, because encouragement is also a big part of positive discipline. 

For example, every night after Beatrice takes a bath, she leaves her clothes on our bathroom floor, and then dumps her wet towel on the floor, either in the hallway, on her bedroom floor, or sometimes downstairs in the living room. 

It's drives me friggin' bananas. And every night before bed, I tell her to please pick up her clothes in the bathroom and hang up her towel. Amy echoes that sentiment. I've even started encouraging her to put her clothes in the dirty clothes right after she gets out of the bath and then hang up her towel when she's done with it. I want her to be part of the solution.

So, I am working on it. There needs to be constant and firm reminders for Bea about the clothes and towel, but we are working on it. Even thought the Neil Peart quote I shared was more about drumming than parenting, there is an equanimity between being firm and stubborn to get the positive parenting right. Sure the default settings still kick in -- don't -- stop -- stop -- don't. As I wrote above, reprogramming decades of such wired reactive responses of punitive discouragement, the long tail of Daddy Goat Gruff, takes practice and perseverance. All I can do is keep trying and doing. 

The Safetyists

"The snakes and arrows a child is heir to

Are enough to leave a thousand cuts

We build our defenses, a place of safety

And leave the darker places unexplored..."

–Rush, Armor and Sword

They found me at park near our house. I saw them drive up on the street, park and get out of their car. They stood there for a moment, probably collecting themselves on what to say to me, what to ask me. My behavior had been more and more emotionally erratic during my senior year in high school. They had no idea as to why. Not many people did, not even my closest friends at the time. 

And it's not that they wouldn't have listened if I tried to explain what was happening. They would've, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't articulate it. Not until that moment at the park. Earlier we'd been at some event inside an auditorium, which I believe it was another in a series of high school graduation events. Before the event had started, I had fled.

My parents came and sat across from me. I talked and cried. They listened and cried. I told them how alone I felt. How I didn't want to be here anymore. How crushing the stress and the anxiety was that I felt. How uncomfortable I'd get in groups and how I needed to get out and go far away. I didn't tell them everything then, but I told them enough. They had no idea this was how I had been feeling or why. 

Decades later, and my wife Amy and I have our own children. Two girls, now 10 and 12. Since October of 2018, we have a family meeting each week where everyone is encouraged to speak freely. After we share something about each other we've noticed over the past week, giving each other compliments and sharing what we're grateful for about each other. Then we move on to discussing managing our emotions, providing support, positive communication -- and safety plans. After that, it's share time, where the girls can discuss anything they want. 

We practice Kidpower every single day, empowering each other with emotional and physical safety skills, boundary setting and more. Amy and I are now taking a Positive Discipline course together, which is designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities. Amy had taken a class two years ago, which is where she got the idea of the family meetings. These are all things that we can do. 

Being able to speak freely without judgement isn't easy to do today in our society. The isolating impact of COVID-19, along with the social upheaval of the past year and continued polarized shaming and blaming, it can really suck being an adult or a child these days.

Which is why we make it so safe to talk to each other about all these things. One positive thing about this past year is that we've become closer as a family. We speak freely without judgement, respecting each other's boundaries and keeping each other safe. We do get eye-rolls and sighs sometimes when we review being emotionally and physically safe with the girls, but we know it will pay dividends for them living a healthy life as adults with healthy relationships.

And just the other night during dinner:

"You guys are safetyists," said Beatrice.

"What do you mean?" I said.

"You want us to be safe."

"Well, yeah. We do. That's okay, right?"

"Well, yeah." 

"And we want to be safe, too."

"Well, yeah." 

"So, we're the safetyists."

"Well, yeah." 

And so it goes. #BhivePower

Our Little BhivePower Bistro

The second time she tried, she nailed it. We told her to lay off the salt and add more marinara sauce this time. She wanted to do it all, too. Make the salad for us, heat up the meatballs, set the table. Everything. 

But it was what she called pizza bowls that were so yummy -- marinara sauce, cheese, cut up meatballs and chunks of sourdough bread mixed together. 

And yes, it was a gut bomb. A super yummy gut bomb. 

Our 12-year-old daughter, Beatrice, has been wanting to learn how to cook for awhile now. Both her and her younger sister, Bryce, have helped us make cookies, muffins and pancakes for a couple of years. More recently though Beatrice has been wanting to cook meals. During the school week sometimes, Bea helps to fix her and Bryce's lunches, especially if Mom and I are on work calls. 

Bea's been wanting to fix us dinner, too, so her mom Amy helped her plan her menu. Then Bea went to the store with Amy for the weekly grocery shopping and to get her ingredients she needed. Once Beatrice started fixing dinner, we told her we were there to help if she needed any, or even if she just had questions. Earlier in the day before she fixed dinner she made what she called peanut butter crumbles -- shortbread-like drop cookies with peanut butter and crumbled chocolate chip cookies. More super yum. 

I don't remember exactly what the first meal was that I fixed growing up (besides bologna boats for lunch with cheese and mustard). However, I do remember attempting to fix my mom sugar cookies for Mother's Day when I was about 9 years old. Because I didn't have all the right ingredients, and couldn't find the rolling pin, what I made turned into some kind of sweet sponge cake. Mom was so grateful and actually ate some of it with me, too. 

I do remember one of the first dinners my sister made when she was around Beatrice's age. She called them vita-burgers. It was supposed to be a healthier alternative (to what I wasn't sure) -- hamburger patties slathered in some kind of thick gravy with other things in the gravy (not sure what the other things were either). Yes, it was a gut bomb. A super yummy gut bomb. 

Beatrice worked hard making her pizza bowls, making the salad and putting everything else together. There were only a couple of times she needed cooking counsel. Otherwise, it was all her. I watched her moved back and forth deftly in the kitchen like a semi-pro in training. 

Then came the moment of truth.

"Come on, everyone. Dinner's ready," she said.

We were so proud. She was so proud. 

"I really wanted fix dinner for you Mom and Dad," Bea said. 

"And we're grateful for that, Beatrice," we said.

Amy and I take turns most nights fixing dinner, so it was a pleasure to have Beatrice want to cook for us. Learning throughout life is important, and the only way to know is to do -- and did she do. Of course, the dishes always fall on Dad most nights, but I'm fine with that (because I get to drum afterwards). Dinnertime is also good family time for us, a time to discuss the day and to share what we're grateful for. 

Now, if we could get Bryce to cook dinner for us someday, we'd be set with our little #BhivePower bistro. 

This Is What We Can Do

I tired quickly of the social media memes and why I had to get off social. The memes that said things like "can't we just agree to disagree." Or, this very specific one associated with a picture of an older Clint Eastwood scowling:

I disagree with you. It doesn't mean I dislike you or that I'm mad at you. It just means that like you, I have my own opinions. I won't treat you disrespectfully just because we share differing opinions. Give me the same respect.

I mean, c'mon. Clint Eastwood? The actor/director who played Dirty Harry and a myriad of other strong, tough and unforgiving white-male leads who would more likely punch you or shoot you before listening to you? That's the image associated with this meme seemingly about trying to be understanding of each other, and it doesn't work for me. 

If we agree to disagree about whether or not our children should have their own phones, whether or not speed bumps should be added to our local streets, or even whether or not we support universal healthcare, then that's different. We could have a somewhat informed discussion based on verifiable facts and non-threatening personal opinions. But when what we disagree on could result in a safety problem for me, or my wife, or my two daughters, that could endanger us in any way, then it's not about compromise or respect. It's about personal safety. 

Plus, I just can't agree to disagree when belief and opinions are based on dangerous lies that result in destructive outcomes, even with the overwhelming amount of evidence to the contrary. For example, when someone wants to believe that the coronavirus isn't real, or really a threat to people, or a way to control the masses and negate personal freedoms, and aren't willing to practice safety protocols or eventually get vaccinated. Or they want to believe there was widespread voter fraud in the presidential election and are willing to try to take over the Capitol and kidnap, hurt and even kill government leaders and anyone else who disagrees with them (civilians like us). These are dire safety problems for many of us today who want to prevent others from getting sick or prevent violence in their own communities. 

Which is why it was timely that I received a Kidpower email that announced "We stand for safety!"

Kidpower is a nonprofit organization my wife Amy works for. It continues to teach our family and people of all ages and abilities to use their power to stay safe, act wisely, and believe in themselves.

How do we choose safety in dangerous times? This article describes 3 core Kidpower strategies for protecting ourselves and the young people in our lives:

1. Create emotional safety
2. Stay away from trouble
3. Focus on what we CAN do

We're also teaching our daughters how to be accountable for their own words and actions and how they impact others, and possibly endanger them. And in the same breath, to not shame or marginalize others because they don't agree with them -- even when it involves potential safety problems for them and others. They do need to get away from the trouble, and stay away, and then focus on what they can do about it. The latest Brené Brown podcast highlights how important accountability is and how uncomfortable it is these days to address. Letting ourselves be vulnerable enough to be accountable for our actions is creating emotional safety for us and others. This is what our children are learning to do and will continue to practice into adulthood. 

Four years ago our entire family marched in the Women's March. And while there was angry shaming about the newly elected president then, for many of us it was all about how millions of inspired global citizens added to the momentum of a positive movement -- the transcendent beauty of inclusive community. The same sentiment for the times we participated in our local Martin Luther King, Jr. Day marches. Unfortunately the continued resurgence of misogyny, racism, bullying, intolerance, shaming -- and just blatant hateful dehumanization -- is a big safety problem for us all now.

I've been mostly off social media for the past week, because I feel we just can't agree to disagree anymore. Not when it's based on perpetuated lies that lead to destructive outcomes. And not when there's an ongoing willingness to marginalize others that leads to unnecessary violence. We just can't. The reality is that we should learn how to agree and disagree with each other, while being emotionally safe and accountable and truthful, without shaming or dehumanizing each other in the process. This is what we can do; what our children can learn from us. It will be a lot of hard work and will come with many uncomfortable conversations, but I truly believe this is how we heal.