Reenergizing Our Hearts

"A tired mind become a shape-shifter
Everybody need a mood lifter
Everybody need reverse polarity..."

–Rush, Vital Signs

I thought I was going to die. After the first lap, my asthma kicked in and I struggled to breathe. After the third lap, my lungs felt like they were filled with hot mud; I had to fight for every single raspy gasp of air. After the fourth lap, my skinny body was drenched in sweat and my face a pasty white. 

But I did it. Every year when I had to run the mile to pass physical education in grade school, I did it. Even with the asthma attacks I used to get. 

Fast forward to today – Beatrice has to run a mile every week in middle school PE, and she decided she wanted to work on improving her time. She asked her mom (Amy) to go with her, to run to the ocean about a mile from where we live. I told her I wanted to go, too. Her sister, Bryce, said no way. 

So, the three of us left the house and began to run. Immediately Beatrice sprinted ahead and Amy kept pace. I was left in the dust. I don't really run anymore since I had knee surgery, but I do run on the beach once a week at Natural Bridges State Park. As I ran the best pace I could, I felt every ounce of my body weight and I kept thinking about our recent decision to cut back on caloric consumption (food and drink).

Amy and I are in pretty good health, but as the pandemic wore on this past year, we both put on what has been jokingly called the "COVID-19". Thankfully it wasn't literally 19 pounds, but it was enough for each of us. We exercise nearly every day, and yet, our metabolisms are slower than ever.

Beatrice and Amy were over 50 yards ahead of me when we hit the half-mile mark. I thought I was going to die. No adult asthma this time (although it has come back over the past 15 years during fall and spring), but I was still sucking air. The weekly beach runs were not my conditioned friends at this point. I kept going though. Amy and Bea doubled back to be with me, but then Bea zoomed ahead again with Amy right there with her.

It wasn't just the weight that was the issue. Like so many working parents with kids distance learning (not this year so far thankfully), sheltering in place, wearing masks everywhere else, waiting for the vaccines (which we got once available), and the contrary extremes around us going completely bananas on nearly every aspect of life, we compartmentalized the daily grind and didn't really care for our mental health. 

We thought we did with our morning meditations and positive communication practice. And while it may have been a temporary mood-lifter, sedating with food and drink every night isn't really good self-care. It's just turning "off" until the next day starts everything all over again and the compartmentalizing continues. Even so, we remained grateful throughout for our circumstances and took care of our children and their emotional needs, just not our own as much as we should have.

After Beatrice, Amy and I finished running the mile together, and after I caught up to Amy and Beatrice who kept their 50-yard lead most of the way, I looked out over the ocean and to the Natural Bridge below where I'd finish my workout. My chest heaved, my big body was drenched in sweat, and my face was a pasty white. The air tasted so very sweet though, and was filled with a clarity and grace, without judgement, for ourselves and for others who have struggled with pandemic life, even when we think we didn't. We're finally reversing the polarity of our fatigued spirits and reenergizing our hearts. Blessings to you all. 

Just Another Part That Pierces My Heart

Within a few days, it was infected. I remember it well, because at first it became inflamed and itchy. Then came the gross discharge; obviously I didn't take care of it at first. After it got infected, I had to keep cleaning it every day with hydrogen peroxide while keeping it bandaged for nearly the first month until it finally healed up. After that, I only really kept it in for about one year. 

So much for my fashion fad of wearing an earring.  When I told Beatrice I had an earring years before I met her mom, she wanted to know more. She wasn't the one interested in getting earrings, though. Her younger sister, Bryce, was. 

Beatrice had run an errand with me one night after dinner and that's when we got to talking about it. Bryce was all ready to get her earrings on her birthday, and so I told Bea about my experience. She told me she would probably never have earrings, and not just because of my story. 

Bryce definitely wanted them for her 11th birthday, though, and my wife Amy and I agreed to it. The plan was to go to Claire's in the mall to get them pierced. Claire's is a jewelry & accessories store for girls, teens and tweens that also does ear piercings onsite. And that's actually where I had my done in my late twenties. No judgement, please. The earring looked cool once the ear healed up. 

Months earlier, though, Amy and another friend of ours were talking about buying piercing kits and doing our daughters' piercings together at home, which didn't happen. Visions of using ice cubes to numb the lobes and then using sewing needles to puncture the ears came to mind for me. That's not how it's done anymore at home (I hope), but I definitely wasn't supportive of the home direction either way. I teased Amy about this, telling her she wasn't certified to pierce ears. She countered by asking how do we know those people in the mall were? 

We didn't, but I thought they had to be somehow, right? I mean, they've pierced millions of ears over the years without litigious problems that I'm aware of, so there has to be some level of training and safety. After Bryce's ears were pierced, not before, I went to Claire's website to check. According to their website, their associates are trained in local piercing policy, practice and procedures in order to deliver clean, hygienic and safe piercing environments. It went on in more detail about their training process as well. That made me feel better. 

When we went to Claire's to get Bryce's ears pierced, all went well. Bryce was nervous, but only felt a quick pinch when the piercing device made the hole and inserted the earring on each ear with one clean action. The piercer had a wiggle a bit on one ear, like the piercing device was stuck, but then it came out clean. Both ears now had lovely 14K gold peridot August birthstone stud earrings inserted, which weren't cheap. The piercing was free with the purchase of earrings, of course. You pay for it in the marked up earrings. Although when I checked online later, these earrings can run a lot more than even we paid. 

"I could've bought a home kit for 10 bucks. C'mon," Amy said as we left the mall.

"Again, you're not a certified ear piercer," I said.

"Again, how do we know she was?"

"Fair point." 

Again, I did check the website after we got home and their piercers are trained and seemingly certified, in a sense. Good to know. Now, to keep her ear lobes clean so she doesn't have to bandage them up like mine had to be. But in fact, the bigger deal is the fact that both of our girls are growing up, and are now a tween and a teen; just another part that pierces my heart. Sigh. 

The Hopeful Drive of Togetherness and Play

I remember when she said she'd score a goal this time. It was our second-to-last game during the last year I had coached recreational soccer in 2018. Our youngest daughter Bryce was on the team and she was confidently clear -- she would score a goal and the team would play well together. 

I also remember thinking, Would either of our girls will play soccer again next year? Will I ever coach again? No matter what, we're all going to finish out this year strong as a team, tears and all. Winning is great, the competitive side of me knows that all too painfully well. But in the end, it is how you play the game. Not how it plays you. 

Then that game started and something was different. The girls played better. They ran harder, went to the ball instead of waiting for it, controlled the ball, passed the ball – and they scored. A lot. After being pummeled all season, we actually won this game. Six goals to the other team's two. And one of those was Bryce's goal. She made it happen. They all made it happen. We subbed players in and out and coached them along the way, but this, this was all them.

And they knew it. They felt it. They lived it. They loved it. They had fun doing it, which was key. They celebrated every moment of it in every moment of it. That's the stuff we wanted them to encase in their still-growing hearts, the making it happen and making it their own, to access this playful confidence as needed throughout their lives.

Because we need it now more than ever, kids and adults alike. The year after that, both our daughters played, but I didn't coach. I was too busy at work and I traveled a lot in 2019. While I enjoyed my work travel, and my the work I did (and still do), I missed coaching Beatrice and Bryce and their teammates. 

Neither one played in 2020 due to the pandemic. Rec soccer wasn't available anyway, at least not the full regular seasons of the past. They did run a social distanced and masked practice clinic of sorts, but our girls didn't want to do that. They did both missed soccer, however; they've mentioned it multiple times during the past two years. They missed the friendships, the team building and the fun mostly. So did I.

This year I knew my work travel would be limited, so I decided to volunteer to coach again. Bryce wanted to play again as well, so I'll coach her U12 team of 11-year-old girls this fall. Our oldest Beatrice decided she wanted to be my assistant coach and give me a hand, and that made me smile. 

When I went to this year's coaches meeting to kick things off, the new local soccer club leaders were excited so many of us were volunteering to coach after such a difficult year and a half. The rec soccer coordinator walked us through everything we needed to know for the year. He had played both recreational soccer and competitive soccer in his formative years, and then played competitively in college. 

He talked about a specific a new methodology of play called Play-Practice-Play, developed by the U.S. Soccer Federation's Grassroots initiatives. It was a methodology I didn't learn when I volunteered to coach for four years from 2015 to 2018.  

According to what he shared and the U.S. Federation website: 

Play-Practice-Play is a Grassroots developed philosophy designed around a player-centered approach to coaching. Taking a player centered approach places the needs and motivations of the player at the forefront of a coach’s approach to coaching his or her players. The concept of Play-Practice-Play is to allow young players to experience the game and game-like situations as much as possible. This approach differs from traditional practices that may have children standing in lines, running laps and participating in drills that don’t resemble the game of soccer.

And that's when it hit me -- my personal philosophy of coaching in the first place was around teaching skills, team-building and having fun. And all of these things, especially the fun, comes from the play. That's why the favorite part of practices were the scrimmages, the playing. Every single time one of my teams played their hearts out -- win, lose or tie -- they were playing within all the multi-faceted meanings of the word. 

They knew it. They felt it. They lived it. They loved it. They celebrated every moment of it in every moment of it individually and together. It was all them; I just helped facilitate it.

So, Coach Kevin is going to give it a go again this year. Our sponsor is appropriately Kidpower, and at a time when too many adults feel less than inspirational, or inspired themselves, including myself, I look forward to the hopeful drive of togetherness and play. 

Their Love of Learning

"All right -- rapid fire questions, girls. What are you the most stressed about going back to school this year. Bryce, go."

Our youngest daughter, Bryce, didn't hesitate. "Not knowing who my teacher will be and who will be in my class."

"I know," I said. "You'll know the night before, though." 

Bryce nodded. 

"Beatrice, go."

Our oldest daughter, Beatrice, jumped right in. "Remembering my locker number and getting lost on campus." 

Those weren't new to her. Early in the pandemic, before we had to end up distance learning for over a year, she was stressed about going to 6th grade in middle school and having to use a locker. Now, going into 7th grade, she will, which is why I'm going down to the hardware store to buy her a combination lock to practice on.

"Okay. What about what you're looking forward to the most? Bryce, go."

"I'm looking forward to learning again," Bryce said. "And seeing my friends." 

Love that girl. "Nice. Beatrice, go."

"I'm looking forward to seeing my friends and meeting new people and taking art," she said. "I hope I get into that."

"I know, me too," I said.

"And I'm looking forward to learning again, too," she added.

Love these girls. I had taken them out to lunch after they helped me take our trailer camper to get a check up. They both have the hooking up and the parking the camper down. 

School is about to start again, and they're both going back five days a week. Earlier in spring, Bryce had gone back in person five days a week, and Beatrice when back two days a week. We were all grateful for this and are all grateful again for a new school year. Grateful for the teachers and the school districts encouraging vaccinations and requiring masks indoors.

The girls didn't end up saying a word about having to wear masks again indoors at school. They both went to summer camp and summer school and mask safety protocols were in place then as well. Social distancing became a wash, though, because keeping kids and adults alike to stay six feet apart was never easy. Non-existent most of the time. 

We've never had vaccination fears over the years, and all of us are now vaccinated, except for Bryce. And because of that, we continue to have her wear a mask indoors when we're all out together, especially where required. The Delta variant is super contagious and spreading fast -- and child infections are on the rise. Over 4 million children have had covid since the pandemic began and now more young unvaccinated people are getting sicker with the virus. 

Even for those who are vaccinated, wearing masks continue to help prevent the transmission of the COVID-19 virus. Infectious disease and healthcare professionals know a lot more about the virus now and the science facts are clear. The percentage of those who have extreme adverse side effects is quite low (less than 1%) compared to the prevention benefits of keeping people out of the hospital. Simultaneously the misinformation and myths about vaccinations and wearing masks continue to divide and confuse. The battle between personal freedoms, fear of stigmatization and shame, and health and safety is so lost on me now more than ever. I'm tired of the argument. Tired of the pandemic. Tired of wearing masks.

However, health and safety will always win in our family, so we will do what we have to do to stay healthy and safe. And as soon as the vaccination is available for Bryce, she's getting the shot. We'll all wear masks when needed and if mandated in the meantime. Here are some quick reminders about mask myths and realities for us all (from healthychildren.org):

Can wearing a mask make it harder for my child to breathe?

No, masks are made from breathable materials that will not block the oxygen your child needs. Masks will not affect your child's ability to focus or learn in school. The vast majority of children age 2 or older can safely wear face masks for extended periods of time, such as the school day or at child care. This includes children with many medical conditions.

Can masks interfere with a child's lung development?

No, wearing a face mask will not affect your child's lungs from developing normally. This is because oxygen flows through and around the mask, while blocking the spray of spit and respiratory droplets that may contain the virus. Keeping your child's lungs healthy is important, which includes preventing infections like COVID-19.

Do masks trap the carbon dioxide that we normally breathe out?

No. There have been false reports that face masks can lead to carbon dioxide poisoning (known as hypercapnia) from re-breathing the air we normally breathe out. But this is not true. In fact, surgeons wear tight fitting masks all day as part of their jobs, without any harm.

Can masks lead to a weaker immune system by putting the body under stress?

No. Wearing a face mask does not weaken your immune system or increase your chances of getting sick if exposed to the COVID-19 virus. Wearing a mask, even if you do not have symptoms of COVID-19, helps prevent the virus from spreading.

For parents who are concerned about their kids going back to school, who may have to deal with bullying and harassment due to wearing or not wearing masks, getting vaccinated or not, or just the fact of being back to school again in person with all the human challenges of being all together again, Kidpower has great resources and workshops for parents and kids to stay safe and healthy. 

It's hard enough growing up and it's now gotten a lot harder because of the ongoing pandemic. Too many adults in charge continue to downplay verified health science, and instead, promote myths, fear and shame about vaccines and wearing masks that put us all at risk. And our children today are the most at risk to this preventable insanity. 

When I reflect on the earlier conversation I had with our daughters about going back to school, their love of learning was a clear priority. Nothing about covid -- the worst fear being remembering a locker combination. Just their love of learning, seeing their old friends and meeting new friends are what's top of mind for them. That's a back-to-school lesson for us all. 

Surfing the Toxic Afterglow

We agreed that Facebook is too much a cesspool of toxic aggression. A place where it’s all too easy to say whatever the hell you want because you want to, share whatever the hell you want because you want to, fact-based or not. Usually not unfortunately. This includes political aggression, religious aggression, racist aggression, sexist aggression – so much aggression. 

You are wrong and I am right; the posted toxicity leads to an escalated pile-on of aggression on one either side, or both usually. Too many individuals, groups and organizations also use the platform to misinform and divide for whatever nefarious ulterior motives they have.

We also marginalize those we don’t agree with online, those who we think are ignorant and uninformed, those we don’t know very well or want to take the time to understand, those who we thought we knew well and didn't. This all leads to shock, disgust, frustration and further aggression. Or blocking or unfriending (which I’ve done). Or just quitting Facebook altogether (which I’ve been tempted to do more than once). 

Even when we’re trying to change the hearts and minds of others we feel are out of their friggin’ minds with well-measured rational and positive affirmations, that can still lead to aggressive pile-ons that change no hearts and no minds. 

And even when we try to counter all of the above with family-and-friend friendly pictures and posts, and/or socially safe memes, and/or neutral work-related promotional posts, they may only help to diffuse the toxic aggression temporarily. Because there’s also another dumpster fire ready to start somewhere (I'm guilty as charged for starting some of those). 

This was a conversation I had with a dear old friend I hadn’t seen since pre-covid. We were in person for the first time in a long time, visiting with some of my family we also hadn't seen since pre-covid. The added stress of separation, no matter how differently we all see the world, was further poisoned by one of the very platforms that was supposed to help keep us all connected during this pandemic. 

None of this is new either; the nasty social network rhetoric has only escalated since I was first on Facebook back in 2008. And these are people we all know in some capacity – no anonymity here. With anonymity, it's so much worse and such an extreme health and safety problem with bullying and threats of rape and death. 

We keep hearing our daughter’s voices in our heads, “Why don’t you just get off this Facebook thing, Mom and Dad. It just makes you mad.”

And they're right. We don’t want either of our daughters to be on any of these kinds of social networks where they have to trudge through the radioactive waste of everybody else’s nuclear thought bombs. That’s another problem as well, the glow of this nasty sludge never goes away. Others can find it and see it – prospective employers, for example. Or, places where you might want to volunteer at. Or, where you might want to go to college. And the list goes on. 

My wife Amy doesn't spend a lot of time on Facebook anymore. She mostly just likes to numb her mind and surf through it, looking for positive posts and funnies that make her laugh, and now mostly steers clear of the fires. She tells me she doesn't want me to quit Facebook because of these GOTG posts I share, and I'm the family photo Dad posting pics she can share and comment on! 

We didn't grow up with any mobile devices or online social networks. Thank God for that. However, both our girls have grown up with devices and the internet and are quite comfortable playing innocuous and cute kid apps and games for now (which we monitor and check-in on often). 

But we don't really monitor and check-in often on ourselves when online. What was supposed to be the positive aspect of the internet and platforms like Facebook – the ability to connect with anyone, anywhere, at any time and to share positive life stories, important (and true) news that affects us all, pictures and videos to loved ones we can't see in person and other important life events, has really just gone to hell.

We've learned things about each other that we never really wanted to know, complicating further the tenuous relationships we may have already had. Thankfully many of us walk away before escalation, but too many of us still don't. Instead, we release our inner Kraken and don't check ourselves, or each other, repeatedly marginalizing each other with nuclear slight bombs. And then afterwards, we're caught happily surfing the toxic afterglow, awash in wave after wave of negative biases and -isms. 

Our kids are right – we really should get off this Facebook thing. Ugh.