The Truth of Consent Is the Universal Truth

One of the men in the audience said, "Well, I appreciate what you're saying, but you must remember that your truth isn't my truth, and what's true for everyone isn't true for everyone else."

Then he started a misinformed diatribe about transgender students in locker rooms, as if that would lead to more sexual assault and rape. That then led to an uproar from the audience calling him ignorant and defending the student speaker, who was only sharing her experience with being sexually assaulted when she was 14. Most of us in the room were grateful for her message of better sexual education classes in middle school and high school, as well as starting lessons around consent and boundary setting earlier in elementary school.

This was one of the sessions I attended at this year's California School Board Association (CSBA) Conference. I've attended it annually for the past three years since I've been a school board trustee. Each year it's been a powerful learning and networking opportunity for me and the over 5,000 other trustees across California who attend.

I went to the high school student's session, who's now 18 years old, because I wanted to hear a young person's perspective about the dangers of sexual assault and lack of consent and boundary setting skills. Her sexual assault at age 14 nearly destroyed her, but she survived and persevered and is now a powerful young advocate with an Instagram movement called Respect4Consent and a petition to introduce policy to protect students against sexual assault: The Safe & Documented: Survivor Rights and Protection Policy.

Instead of staying and hearing everyone's response to his statement, the misinformed man left in a hurry, blaming us all for his need to flee. That was followed by a couple of well-meaning men still steeped in patriarchy claiming that men need to protect women. That's something I was brought up to believe as well, but today I have a much improved anti-misogynistic perspective about social, emotional, and physical safety skills for everyone thanks to my wife, my children, and important organizations like Kidpower (in full transparency, my wife works there). 

The high school speaker at the conference shared important school health policy considerations that go a lot farther than "abstinence-only" school programs that always fall short. Abstinence may be a path to prevent sexual mishaps and misconduct, but it omits consent entirely. She posited that early consent education normalizes respect and body autonomy for all students, and my wife and I couldn't agree more.

We've been talking with our own children about these things since they were in elementary school. Thankfully they've had solid sex education courses provided by our school district along with school-based values programs from Second Step. 

And of course, they've been immersed in Kidpower since they were little. They may deny they use what they've learned over the years, but we see them put it into practice when necessary. Thank goodness. This is important because my wife and I didn't have the same curriculum that our kids have today, nor any safety skills training back in our day. 

Here's a simple boundaries and consent safety checklist from Kidpower (applicable to kids, teens, and adults).

Touch, attention, and games for play, affection, and fun should be:

• Okay with each person
• Safe for feelings and for bodies
• Allowed by the adults in charge (if they're kids and teens)

And they should never be a secret. So, when it comes to our teens being equipped to identify coercion or assault to protect themselves, the truth of consent is the universal truth. No means no. Please stop means please stop. The end. 

A Far Cry

We saw it scurry across the road. At first we didn't know what it was until we saw a crow swoop at it from above. It ran back and forth, trying to get away from the crow. 

"Is that a baby bunny?" my wife Amy asked. 

"I think so," I said.

We were near the end of one of our weekly workout walks when we came upon the tiny bunny running for it's life back and forth across the road. The crow tried to grab it, peck at it, but the bunny kept getting away. 

"Oh, no!" said Amy.

A truck drove down the road and I thought the bunny was going to be squashed for sure. But it darted back again to the other side of the road, the crow desperately trying to get. That's when we noticed the hawk flying just above the action calculating its own odds.

We thought the bunny finally exited into the underbrush, but then we saw it run back across the road. Our presence had startled the crow and the hawk, but they circled in the air above us waiting for their chance. The bunny made it to the other side, but it couldn't make it over the curb to the wilderness on the other side. 

I ran over and saw that it was indeed a sweet little baby bunny, scared to death, frantically trying to get up over the curb. 

"Can you help it?" Amy said.

"Yes," I said. 

I pulled my sweatshirt sleeve down over my hand and then scooped the bunny up over the curb. 

"Is it okay?" Amy said. 

"I think so," I said. "It went into the bushes, so it should be okay for now."

Amy teased me about taking the bunny home to take care of, which we didn't, and then we finished the rest of our walk. We both knew it was survival of the fittest, the animal kingdom's circle of life. Yet, the parental urge to take care of this helpless baby bunny was strong. An animal that had no skills or abilities to protect itself except to run and hide. But the crow and the hawk weren't harassing the bunny due to any malicious forethought or power play; they just wanted to eat the bunny, while the bunny just wanted to not be eaten. We couldn't hold them accountable for our anthropomorphizing, attributing human characteristics to them and the situation. They were only at the mercy of their genetic predisposition to survive and propagate. 

Unlike humans. Humans (mostly men according to the data) who bully, harass, assault, rape and kill. Humans who have a need to dominate, who may have malicious forethought and who aren't accountable for their actions in the end. Human who even deny their actions are malevolent, who blame their very own victims for the very violence perpetrated. And then add in those other humans who refuse to believe the violence perpetrated and blame the victims as well, in support of the violators. Patriarchal hubris is definitely alive and well today.

I know, that's quite a segue from saving a sweet little baby bunny trying to cross the road, but that's where the experience got me thinking. Thinking about our own children, our daughters, growing up in a world of vicious manimals ready to attack them without notice. 

And even that isn't accurate. Violent crime has decreased dramatically over thousands of years, and more recently, violent crime has decreased dramatically since the early 1990's. That's the good news.

The bad news is that nearly 1 in 3 women have experienced physical or sexual violence at least once in their lifetime, according to a report released by the World Health Organization. Also according to the report, intimate partner violence was the most prevalent form – and it starts early. Nearly 1 in 4 girls and women who'd been in a relationship have already experience physical and/or sexual violence by age 19. As always for incidents like these, they can be woefully underreported. 

This is why we have to teach our children safety skills. If you read my Get Off The Ground posts, you know that practicing Kidpower is a big part of our lives. Our daughters have learned (and continue to) boundary and safety rules to ensure positive consent for affection as they head into teenage-land and beyond.

We also want our daughters to be safe and protect themselves from any predators they may come to know. Intimate partner violence can happen, and our parental need to protect is strong, but we can't always be there to scoop them up over the curb to safety like the baby bunny we helped. We're a far cry from the rest of the animal kingdom anyway, because we can be accountable for our own safety by learning the skills for protecting ourselves and respecting healthy boundaries in daily activities. Skills that are essential to preventing sexual abuse and assault as kids, teens and adults.

The Building Blocks of Healthy Lives

 

Beatrice opened the sliding glass door and stared at me. My eyes met hers.

"Dad, can we play Hedbanz now? Everyone's on their devices," she said over all the adults socializing outside. 

"Yes, we can," I answered. "Tell all the kids to come out now." 

"Bring the game out, too," Mom shouted at Beatrice. 

Hedbanz is a fun guessing game where you wear a plastic headband with a slot in the front where a card is then placed. Each card has a word on it like "lion". Then, teammates give you clues to guess what the word is. 

This was part of Bea's birthday party plans, her agenda, she had set up prior to getting together with our pod. "Pod" being that pandemic term referring to a small group of families we feel covid-safe around, promising to limit interaction with others as much as possible to reduce the spread risk. 

Bea's birthday agenda had clear and specific activities -- and boundaries. The activities were inclusive for her and her friends, and for all the adults in the room. The boundaries included limiting the time spent on devices like computers, iPads, phones, etc. Which is great with us, since we're constantly setting boundaries how much time spent on devices at home. Which is super tough day to day due to the fact that the girls' school is all distance learning right now with lots of device time. 

Boundary setting is also so important in life, and for kids to learn especially. To be very clear as to what's okay to them, what they agree to do, what they don't want to do, how adults talk to them and how they talk to each other, what's safe for all involved, and what's okay with the adults in charge.

Boundaries are a critically healthy part of anyone's life and help keep us all emotionally and physically safe. They go beyond requesting friends to limit their device play. They also keep us safe when feelings are compromised, when physical touch is involved, and when there are those crossing boundaries who say "don't tell; this is a secret." Kidpower has some great boundary and consent checklist posters you can download and that we live by. My wife works for Kidpower and we've both been involved with the organization for many years. The organization is a global nonprofit dedicated to working together to build cultures of caring, respect, and safety for everyone, everywhere.

During Hedbanz, it was the kids versus adults and the competition was fierce. The final score was close -- the kids won by a point or two, but who was counting? Shortly after that and all the other Bea agenda items, Dad was all done. Tired from the previous week's workload, I was ready to go home and get ready for night-night, and so I was clear with my "all done" boundary. We said our goodbyes and were on our way. 

For both our girls to be able to be specific and clear about their boundaries is an important rite of passage for the coming teenage years and adulthood. Boundaries are the building blocks of healthy lives, inclusive and caring, and another way to keep our #BhivePower safely energized.

Other "Days of Coronavirus" posts:

The Part Where All Lives Matter

The Clarity Bridge for Homelessness

Stars to Shine

Loving Community Wide Shots Abound

A Foundation Worth Saving

This Hit-And-Run Thunderstorm

Help Prevent the Back-to-School Bullying

Memories Now and to Come

Especially Our Kids

This Old "No" Guy Jedi

Choose Eyes of Love

The Morning Work

We Shared Blue Genes

Agree to Disintegration

The Teacher Parade

All These Things Can Lead To Grace

Our Freedom Is Always Welcome

A Well of Strength

This Bad History

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Problem

The Iceberg Underneath

The Healing Hope We Can Give

Donate Your Date Nights and Help Feed Families

About All The Things

Dad, Our Family's Computer Guy

The Newest Normal

Where Our Troubles Are All The Same

This Is The Life

When There's Nowhere to Go

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can I Turn To