Surfing the Toxic Afterglow

We agreed that Facebook is too much a cesspool of toxic aggression. A place where it’s all too easy to say whatever the hell you want because you want to, share whatever the hell you want because you want to, fact-based or not. Usually not unfortunately. This includes political aggression, religious aggression, racist aggression, sexist aggression – so much aggression. 

You are wrong and I am right; the posted toxicity leads to an escalated pile-on of aggression on one either side, or both usually. Too many individuals, groups and organizations also use the platform to misinform and divide for whatever nefarious ulterior motives they have.

We also marginalize those we don’t agree with online, those who we think are ignorant and uninformed, those we don’t know very well or want to take the time to understand, those who we thought we knew well and didn't. This all leads to shock, disgust, frustration and further aggression. Or blocking or unfriending (which I’ve done). Or just quitting Facebook altogether (which I’ve been tempted to do more than once). 

Even when we’re trying to change the hearts and minds of others we feel are out of their friggin’ minds with well-measured rational and positive affirmations, that can still lead to aggressive pile-ons that change no hearts and no minds. 

And even when we try to counter all of the above with family-and-friend friendly pictures and posts, and/or socially safe memes, and/or neutral work-related promotional posts, they may only help to diffuse the toxic aggression temporarily. Because there’s also another dumpster fire ready to start somewhere (I'm guilty as charged for starting some of those). 

This was a conversation I had with a dear old friend I hadn’t seen since pre-covid. We were in person for the first time in a long time, visiting with some of my family we also hadn't seen since pre-covid. The added stress of separation, no matter how differently we all see the world, was further poisoned by one of the very platforms that was supposed to help keep us all connected during this pandemic. 

None of this is new either; the nasty social network rhetoric has only escalated since I was first on Facebook back in 2008. And these are people we all know in some capacity – no anonymity here. With anonymity, it's so much worse and such an extreme health and safety problem with bullying and threats of rape and death. 

We keep hearing our daughter’s voices in our heads, “Why don’t you just get off this Facebook thing, Mom and Dad. It just makes you mad.”

And they're right. We don’t want either of our daughters to be on any of these kinds of social networks where they have to trudge through the radioactive waste of everybody else’s nuclear thought bombs. That’s another problem as well, the glow of this nasty sludge never goes away. Others can find it and see it – prospective employers, for example. Or, places where you might want to volunteer at. Or, where you might want to go to college. And the list goes on. 

My wife Amy doesn't spend a lot of time on Facebook anymore. She mostly just likes to numb her mind and surf through it, looking for positive posts and funnies that make her laugh, and now mostly steers clear of the fires. She tells me she doesn't want me to quit Facebook because of these GOTG posts I share, and I'm the family photo Dad posting pics she can share and comment on! 

We didn't grow up with any mobile devices or online social networks. Thank God for that. However, both our girls have grown up with devices and the internet and are quite comfortable playing innocuous and cute kid apps and games for now (which we monitor and check-in on often). 

But we don't really monitor and check-in often on ourselves when online. What was supposed to be the positive aspect of the internet and platforms like Facebook – the ability to connect with anyone, anywhere, at any time and to share positive life stories, important (and true) news that affects us all, pictures and videos to loved ones we can't see in person and other important life events, has really just gone to hell.

We've learned things about each other that we never really wanted to know, complicating further the tenuous relationships we may have already had. Thankfully many of us walk away before escalation, but too many of us still don't. Instead, we release our inner Kraken and don't check ourselves, or each other, repeatedly marginalizing each other with nuclear slight bombs. And then afterwards, we're caught happily surfing the toxic afterglow, awash in wave after wave of negative biases and -isms. 

Our kids are right – we really should get off this Facebook thing. Ugh. 

The Part Where All Lives Matter

The meme is militant. It's angry. It's resentful. It's disrespectful. It's patriarchal and patronizing. And so many people love it. Probably because it represents how so many people feel about their own lives growing up and the next generation's fighting against this norm. It echos that sheriff's sentiment about how we've grown into a mouthy, mobile phone wielding, vulgar, uncivil society.

The Roman Empire talked about their younger generations this way (sans the cell phones, of course). Many societies throughout history have. Americans have talked this way about their younger generations since, well, the beginning. Closer to home for those of us alive for the past 50+ years, we did the same thing in the 1960's. And the 1970's. And the 1980's. And the 1990's. And the 2000's. 

And today. The meme I'm referring to is supposed to be shared in the "classroom", in-person or virtual I assume, although the intention is much broader than that. It includes these bits of brutal patriarchal wisdom:

• Being told "no" is part of life. Get over it.
• Life is not fair.
• You are not the boss.
• The world does not revolve around you. 
• The world owes you nothing. Work for it.
• You put yourself here. You need to fix you.

This isn't the entire list either. I admit, I've repeated shades of some of these things to our daughters, just not this exact verbiage. My wife and I really try not to say these things in these ways, because they don't account for our daughter's emotional well-being, or ours for that matter. 

Yes, emotional well-being. It's how we can manage the day-to-day onslaught of life, especially this year with the pandemic, the economic devastation, the layoffs and furloughs, distance learning for our kids, the social and racial inequity injustice, fires and hurricanes and more. Granted, the perception of fairness in life is subjective, and there are those who have the proverbial cards stacked against them more than others. No matter what, though, we need to focus on our emotional well-being, and help our children do the same. To empathize with others. To learn how to be personal responsible for our behavior and to be safe in all our relationships. Everyone should be entitled to these.

Why would we want to continue to say the above things to our children, though? At any age? What exactly does that accomplish? Why do we continue to equate shaming, fear and loathing to positive discipline? They couldn't be farther apart in what they actually address and how they impact kids and adults. Positive discipline is how we teach our children important social and life skills that encourages mutual respect for every life stage. Not saying "get over it" because "life isn't fair." That's bullshit and sustains the hate cycle we certainly are rapidly spinning out of control in today. 

And by the way, what if your child is bullied, harassed or sexually assaulted? 

You put yourself here. You need to fix you. 

Mercy me, if my parents would have treated me this way with all the things I went through, who knows what kind of shape I'd be in today. I don't think I'd be married to my lovely wife or have two amazing daughters, that's for sure. I probably would've ended up like Jerry, my birth father, an abusive, womanizing alcoholic. Thankfully my parents didn't, and I didn't either. 

We also keep confusing entitlement with coming of age in today's highly judgmental and polarized culture, trying desperately to understand what's right and wrong and questioning the status quo when it adversely affects ourselves and others in our society. We shame little boys for wearing masks and we still shame little girls from speaking up -- and by God, our girls will always speak up. We shame people who peacefully protest injustice and intolerance. We boo people of all colors linking arms at a football during a moment of unity the night before the anniversary of 9/11. Jesus Christ, what have we become?

Now, if the above statements are really talking about trouble-makers and law breakers of yesterday, today and tomorrow, I would still say they're brutal and unnecessary. I certainly don't approve or excuse lawless destruction we're seeing today, but now I know better than ever why the "the world does not revolve around you" sentiment is still so prolific. 

We think of our societal problems through such a limiting biased lens. Through extremes played out in politics, the news media and social media memes. But our biases are driven by so many more every day moments; it's about the everyday indignities we experience, and the ones we unabashedly pummel others with. That is something Leeno Karumanchery, PhD, one of the speakers we had at my organization's last virtual conference, shared with the attendees in the context of how racism and sexism are perpetuated. 

But it actually applies to all things and all lives and I just can't get it our of my head. Because it's so true, and these things we continue to say to each other, to our children, the shaming and belittling have made it nearly incapable for us to come together on anything. 

This morning when my wife and I meditated, the mantra was I am compassion -- Karuna Hum. The centering thought was, when I have no judgment, I see everyone with kindness. Ephesians 4:32 says, Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

This is the part where all lives matter. Where all of us can learn empathy and compassion for one another, to really listen and understand the everyday indignities we experience and perpetuate. So that we may undo these indignities, one at a time, and our children will learn in kind. Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who passed away last week, had said, "Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time."

Amen. Here we go. 

Other "Days of Coronavirus" posts:

The Clarity Bridge for Homelessness

Stars to Shine

Loving Community Wide Shots Abound

A Foundation Worth Saving

This Hit-And-Run Thunderstorm

Help Prevent the Back-to-School Bullying

Memories Now and to Come

Especially Our Kids

This Old "No" Guy Jedi

Choose Eyes of Love

The Morning Work

We Shared Blue Genes

Agree to Disintegration

The Teacher Parade

All These Things Can Lead To Grace

Our Freedom Is Always Welcome

A Well of Strength

This Bad History

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Problem

The Iceberg Underneath

The Healing Hope We Can Give

Donate Your Date Nights and Help Feed Families

About All The Things

Dad, Our Family's Computer Guy

The Newest Normal

Where Our Troubles Are All The Same

This Is The Life

When There's Nowhere to Go

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can I Turn To

Agree to Disintegration

"Truth is after all a moving target

Hairs to split,

And pieces that don't fit

How can anybody be enlightened

Truth is after all so poorly lit..."

–Rush, Turn the Page

In the very near future, they'll know. They'll know who Santa really is, and the Shelf Elves, and the Easter Bunny. We fell into the same trap that many parents do, telling their kids lies in the name of longtime, seemingly harmless cultural traditions. 

Heck, both our daughters may even already know, and are just letting the magic of childhood ride out as long as it can. We tell them the truth otherwise about everything else. Or, more accurately, we tell them our truths.

Yes, our truths. Truths that have been defined and refined since we were children. My wife and I are fairly intelligent people, fairly well-informed. Like everyone though, we have our biases, and yet are still socially progressive on issues related to racism and sexism. We believe we can be objective when weighing the facts as we know them about any issue. We empathize, we sympathize, we fight the good fight. But we're still biased and our truths are tainted by those same biases. 

Don Quixote battled windmills because he truly believed they were dangerous giants. Daredevil "Mad" Mike Hughes was killed in a rocket launch, one where planned to finally determine for himself if the earth was as flat as he believed it to be. We all believe what we want to believe if it fits our narrative at that point in time. We may all carry emotional baggage with us throughout our lives, but can't forget the added weight of confirmation bias in our psychological backpacks.

Someone I know shared a social media meme filled with conspiracy theories including the fact that coronavirus was created on purpose. Our government has taken away our freedoms to control us during this pandemic. The peaceful protests were a ruse for the #BlackLivesMatter movement to purposely loot and destroy property. So many others as well. I'm probably not even writing them out again correctly because they were so outlandish in the first place, with little to no factual bases as far as I knew. This based on reporting and historically accurate essays debunking these theories. Unfortunately, media perpetuates them, our leaders perpetuate them, either to inform or to misinform, more the latter of late. Our own education system has downplayed, even erased, systemic racism and inequality activities and issues since the founding of this country.  

I asked this person if she really believed all these things in the meme she posted. She responded she did. I was saddened, but didn't respond. I only thought about her children and grandchildren, and what they will believe and what their truths will ultimately be. 

These days some people use the phrase "agree to disagree" a lot. A difference in opinion and robust debate are important -- keeping each other honest, as they say, and seeing things from different perspectives. But, how can we agree to disagree when there's no basis of fact on what it is we actually disagree on? How do we debate purposefully destructive propaganda that's distributed to diffuse debate? This is true no matter where you find yourself along the great political and/or ideological divide. Instead, we sit around our tribal campfires scrawling our truths in the dirt, howl at the moon and to hell with everybody else. 

We can even mask it further by saying we choose love instead of choosing to take a stand on an issue. Both are equally valid in their own right, but not when it's about indirectly blaming those who choose to take a stand on something that affects their lives and livelihoods. My wife articulated it well:

Our hope is that people choose to live their lives with love and light. And that people can still do so in the worst of conditions. What is inherently false is that all people choose their circumstances. Unfortunately, one of our deep rooted cultural norms is to blame a person for their circumstances and not to consider the overlying foundation. We are privileged to have had the opportunity to work hard, provide for our families and take time to enjoy life. This is not the reality for all people and the complexities of why it is not a reality is part of why people choose apathy. We all have a choice, yes. I hold people in high regard that choose to go into the darkness with hearts of love for the betterment of all lives.

Conspiratorial propaganda is as old as the spoken word, and if we don't look for whatever facts are available to either support or refute a "reported" truth, then how can we agree to disagree? Like ever? There may be a nobility in seeing the world differently, of challenging the status quo and finding new truths. But when we agree to disintegration, there will never be a greater societal or spiritual connection for our children and grandchildren, nor an investment in healing the humanity of today and tomorrow. We need to agree it is all our responsibility. 

Other "Days of Coronavirus" posts:

The Teacher Parade

All These Things Can Lead To Grace

Our Freedom Is Always Welcome

A Well of Strength

This Bad History

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Problem

The Iceberg Underneath

The Healing Hope We Can Give

Donate Your Date Nights and Help Feed Families

About All The Things

Dad, Our Family's Computer Guy

The Newest Normal

Where Our Troubles Are All The Same

This Is The Life

When There's Nowhere to Go

Jenny, Jenny, Who Can I Turn To

All These Things Can Lead to Grace

We had watched Serpico together, the real-life story of a NYPD office who went undercover to expose corruption in the police force from 1960 to 1972. Our family always watched police dramas together, nonfiction and fiction alike. My sister and I were in high school, and at that time, our father was a police detective responsible for forgery and fraud, and our mother was the police dispatch supervisor. 

After watching Serpico, I remember asking my dad if there were any bad cops in our hometown police department. He paused, then gave me this answer:

"Well, son, there are good cops, and there are bad cops, just like there are good bakers and bad bakers. Unfortunately there are always some who don't play by the rules and hurt others. But for us, yes, there are mostly good cops."

I responded, "But bad bakers don't kill other good bakers, or other people."

My dad smiled and nodded. "You are correct, son. You are correct. They do not. Not usually."

They never do. They just go out of business, I thought.

Our dad wasn't without his own biases, or our entire family for that matter, but time and again while he was alive and after he passed away, and after 32 years on the force, good guys and bad guys alike couldn't help but like him. He taught us a lot empathy, inclusion and forgiveness, even when it wasn't intentional. Our mom did the same. They both loved their families and God. 

And then in the summer of 2012 he was gone, and four months later she was gone. It's hard to imagine them here today, in the middle of pandemic with all the health issues they used to have, of what we'd have to do to care for them. 

But I do want them both here today -- I know my sister does as well. I want my dad to be here and to tell me why there are still bad cops doing the wrong things in our communities. Why they hate so much and keep using such excessive force killing black and brown men and women. Why supposedly good cops stand by and do nothing. Why so many of them are never arrested or prosecuted. Why so many police reforms are never sustained. Why the normalcy of racism in this country continues.

The recent killing of George Floyd by a white police officer who kneeled on his neck until he stopped breathing, has incited protests and violence across the U.S. This because George Floyd, an unarmed African American had supposedly tried to use a counterfeit bill at a convenience store. George Floyd, one more name in a sea of names that, when I think about, I couldn't name, other than Ahmaud Arbery. He was another unarmed black man who was jogging and then chased by two white men and gunned down because they said they were trying to make a citizen's arrest, when there is no such thing. 

Thankfully there are those who help us remember, like the daughter of an old friend from high school who created a poster with all the names. 

I want my dad (and mom) here today to help answer the why questions, because I struggle to answer them for my own daughters. My wife and I have be teaching our girls about slavery and how people of color have been treated poorly throughout American history since they were little. 

Both girls listened and ask legitimate questions like "why would people do that" over and over, questions that aren't hard for us to discuss, but hard for us to answer being a white family who have not experienced systemic discrimination like non-whites have in this country for hundreds of years. Which is why, at the end of the day, my dad probably wouldn't be able to answer them either, no matter how hard he tried. White supremacy is the legacy of the modern day police force and it needs a bigger condemnation than "good cops and bad cops," and more serious reforms than have fizzled out to date. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, I just wish we would've gone deeper on this subject together. 

The other day I told my daughters about George Floyd and what's been happening in our country. They didn't know because we don't watch the news with them. 

"I don't understand why skin color matters!" said Beatrice, after I finished.

"I know," I said. 

"They just need to get over it!" said Bryce.

"Who?"

"White people." 

Wow, Bryce. Sadly, that's the argument made by too many whites today, that they have nothing to do with racism, that black and brown people have more rights than they do, that they need to get over it, especially if all they're going to do is burn everything down. This continues to be the dividing sentiment of the day. 

Thankfully my wife works for Kidpower and I'm so glad that Kidpower community reminded me of their commitment to safety and justice for all: 

At Kidpower, we believe that everyone has the right to safety, respect, peace, and justice. We are heartbroken about the suffering and tragedy caused by racist attacks and discrimination against people of color in our communities, at our borders, and around the world. We will continue to speak out and take action to protect and empower all people. 

Yes, continue to speak out and take action to protect and empower all people. Always.

But then I also keep thinking about the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. quote someone posted on my Facebook wall that ended: 

Riot is the language of the unheard.

I am privileged. I am biased. I am white. I am male.

I empathize. I sympathize. I fight the good fight. 

Everyone has the right to safety, respect, peace, and justice. 

I hope that Minneapolis police officer is prosecuted and locked up for the rest of his life, and that the officers who were with him are arrested as well. 

I'm tired of the commentary that includes, "Well, I don't like what happened to that black man, but I don't agree with violent protests."

I don't agree with them either; our family has been a part of many peaceful protests. Those committing the current violence in our communities and looting and destroying businesses should also be held accountable. So many business were already on the brink of bankruptcy because of COVID-19. And one of my employees and his wife and family live not more than a mile from the violence in Minneapolis. 

My sister was also a police officer for many years, and we both still have friends and family who are in law enforcement, good people who's lives are now in danger.  

But, imagine being subjected to 400+ years of institutionalized systemic racism and violence. Of being afraid of walking down the street and being harassed by the police because you're a black or brown male. 

Then imagine bringing a bazooka or an assault rifle into a sandwich shop or a state's capital building. Of law enforcement not doing a thing about it because you can, and because you're white. 

I want to be part of positive change. I don't want my city burned down.

I empathize. I sympathize. I fight the good fight. 

And I miss my mom and dad. I miss talking with them about life and current events that affect us all, even if we didn't always agree on them. Our girls didn't get a chance to know them like I wanted them too, since they were so young when my parents passed away. 

What we did agree on was the fact that positive change starts with our children and grandchildren. That we should teach them compassion, empathy, forgiveness, inclusion and understanding. All these things can lead to grace, a new normalcy desperately needed today. 

Assuming Otherwise

The smell was horrible. I knew immediately it was the two men shopping near us, one in a wheelchair, the other with a small dog on a leash. No matter where we stood, anywhere within a few feet radius of them and their pungent body odor smell hit us. By the looks of them, I assumed they were homeless, maybe part of the nearby encampment.

I had been grocery shopping at Trader Joe's with the girls in tow. My wife Amy was away doing a Kidpower training for the day. The girls and I were finishing up the shopping when our oldest, Beatrice, frowned and wrinkled her nose.

"What's that smell?" she said, a little loudly. Our youngest, Bryce, seemed oblivious and ready to be done with shopping.

"Shhh," I said. "I know it smells. Let's just finish up and get going."

"I know what it is. It's those poor people," she said, looking at the two men.

I didn't think they heard her, and I knew Beatrice was just saying what popped into her head without adult bias and judgement. We'd been talking about our local homeless situation with our girls since last fall, so she was equating homelessness with being poor, which wasn't wrong, but not all people who struggle to make ends meet are homeless. And we'd been there during the great recession, struggling and almost becoming homeless ourselves.

Later, when we were home and Amy was back from her Kidpower training, I brought up what happened to discuss as a family.

"What you said wasn't wrong, Beatrice. But the words weren't exactly right; not all poor people are homeless," I said.

Beatrice listened, but I could tell she thought she'd done something wrong.

Amy spoke up. "It's not about right, Beatrice. It's just about being respectful of how we address people we don't know and what's going on with them. You were just saying what you thought without trying to be mean, and that's okay."

"Okay," she said and nodded slightly.

"Right," I said. "And we don't want to say those things too loud so they can hear and make them feel bad. You were just making an observation to me."

"Yes, there are too many people without a home or shelter or running water, so they do smell because they can't take baths or showers like we can everyday," said Amy.

"This is why there are really important organizations in town that are doing there best to help homeless people," I said.

We went on with the rest of our day, but we didn't lose sight of the greater lesson. We talked about it again during our weekly family meeting to ensure that we respond appropriately and with respect in situations like the one at the grocery store and the homeless men, when we don't know them or assume to know their story based on what we see or smell.

And because the girls are getting older and more aware, we then expanded the conversation to include if they were with a friend who was talking badly about another person they knew, and trying to sway them into talking badly about the person. Amy role played with the girls on how they should respond and not to participate in the belittling of others just because we don't like them (when we may not even know them), or because someone else doesn't like them (when he or she may not even know them), or because we assume something about them when we really know nothing about them, only basing it on something we heard.

It's about time we start assuming otherwise.