A Beautiful Mess In Progress

After graduating 8th grade, our oldest Beatrice stressed about going to high school. Who wouldn't? I remember I did. It's such a big change, just like going from grade school to middle school. Like me her dad, stress keeps her up at night, and sleep is a restless mind-scramble mess.

But then she was a junior leader again at a local day camp in town working with 7-8 year-old kids, something she's loved to do, and the high school stress disappeared for the summer. This is the second year she's done it, and next year she'll be able to be a paid summer counselor, which is what she wants to do.

After summer camp was over, something wonderful happened; the week before the start of high school, she really wasn't that stressed any more. High school orientation came and went and it got her super excited about high school. She'll be 15 soon and there's a new level of teen maturity we hadn't seen until this summer. 

Same with her sister Bryce, who will be 13 soon and starting 7th grade. Both girls are very close and share a lot of the same interests -- but also couldn't be more different from one another. Bryce can be dark and broody, not wanting to talk a lot, rarely smiling, and always listening to her music. Beatrice is usually bright and shiny, always wanting to talk a lot, always smiling, and always drawing in her sketch pads. 

Like summer camp for Bea, the theater and choir are what have matured Bryce. After being in Beauty and the Beast last spring, Bryce is auditioning for The Addams Family musical this fall. And now that she's in her second year of middle school choir, may even want to try out for small solo parts. 

We're so proud of both kids, but my wife Amy and I would never want to put either of them in a box. Meaning, label them by what's seen on the surface, because there's so much more to the essence of them. To any us for that matter. 

A few months ago they watched The Breakfast Club with us, one of our favorite teen angst coming-of-age movies. Ironically, the movie came out the year after I graduated high school and the year Amy started high school, but it still left quite the impact on us both. 

Beyond the cheesy teen antics, it's an intense emotional drama at times. Our girls liked it, too. Out of all the questions they could have asked us, they asked if either of us had been in detention, and I told them I had lunch detention in high school for a week due to too many 1st period tardies. This was when I was student body president, too. Mercy me. They thought that was funny, especially when I told them the other kids in detention said to me, "Dude, your the school president. Wow."

Neither of our kids want to be labeled or put in a box (or be in detention). That's why they liked the note that the "brain" character writes at the end of The Breakfast Club for Mr. Vernon, their detention teacher, who had asked them to write an essay telling him who they think they are. 

Like all of us who have kids, teens in high school and middle school, they are so many things beyond what is seen on the surface. Getting to know who we really are is always a messy work in progress growing up and throughout adulthood. A beautiful mess in progress. We are all the things -- a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, and a princess, and a criminal -- and so much more. 

Sincerely Yours,

The #BhivePower Club

Assuming Otherwise

The smell was horrible. I knew immediately it was the two men shopping near us, one in a wheelchair, the other with a small dog on a leash. No matter where we stood, anywhere within a few feet radius of them and their pungent body odor smell hit us. By the looks of them, I assumed they were homeless, maybe part of the nearby encampment.

I had been grocery shopping at Trader Joe's with the girls in tow. My wife Amy was away doing a Kidpower training for the day. The girls and I were finishing up the shopping when our oldest, Beatrice, frowned and wrinkled her nose.

"What's that smell?" she said, a little loudly. Our youngest, Bryce, seemed oblivious and ready to be done with shopping.

"Shhh," I said. "I know it smells. Let's just finish up and get going."

"I know what it is. It's those poor people," she said, looking at the two men.

I didn't think they heard her, and I knew Beatrice was just saying what popped into her head without adult bias and judgement. We'd been talking about our local homeless situation with our girls since last fall, so she was equating homelessness with being poor, which wasn't wrong, but not all people who struggle to make ends meet are homeless. And we'd been there during the great recession, struggling and almost becoming homeless ourselves.

Later, when we were home and Amy was back from her Kidpower training, I brought up what happened to discuss as a family.

"What you said wasn't wrong, Beatrice. But the words weren't exactly right; not all poor people are homeless," I said.

Beatrice listened, but I could tell she thought she'd done something wrong.

Amy spoke up. "It's not about right, Beatrice. It's just about being respectful of how we address people we don't know and what's going on with them. You were just saying what you thought without trying to be mean, and that's okay."

"Okay," she said and nodded slightly.

"Right," I said. "And we don't want to say those things too loud so they can hear and make them feel bad. You were just making an observation to me."

"Yes, there are too many people without a home or shelter or running water, so they do smell because they can't take baths or showers like we can everyday," said Amy.

"This is why there are really important organizations in town that are doing there best to help homeless people," I said.

We went on with the rest of our day, but we didn't lose sight of the greater lesson. We talked about it again during our weekly family meeting to ensure that we respond appropriately and with respect in situations like the one at the grocery store and the homeless men, when we don't know them or assume to know their story based on what we see or smell.

And because the girls are getting older and more aware, we then expanded the conversation to include if they were with a friend who was talking badly about another person they knew, and trying to sway them into talking badly about the person. Amy role played with the girls on how they should respond and not to participate in the belittling of others just because we don't like them (when we may not even know them), or because someone else doesn't like them (when he or she may not even know them), or because we assume something about them when we really know nothing about them, only basing it on something we heard.

It's about time we start assuming otherwise.