This Holiest of Days

And on the holiest of Christian days, I'm still full of unreconcilable rage. This being the day that celebrates Jesus rising from the dead to bring salvation to the world, which I grew up believing in. As my wife Amy and I hiked together Easter morning with our dog Jenny in the lead, I found joy in their company and nature. 

We had just returned from a wonderful family camping vacation near Joshua Tree National Park. Amy and I were also in the middle of our latest meditations on getting unstuck. It was then on our hike when I shared some of what had been weighing heavily on my heart -- and the fact that all I could think about was George Floyd, Eugene Goodman and my dad.

And me. 

We're all fathers. Fathers with daughters. Fathers who, no matter the mistakes we've made in life, or the obstacles we've overcome, want nothing more than the best for our daughters (and sons), for them to be safe and well. But that's where most of the similarities end. Eugene Goodman is a police officer. My dad was a police officer. I am the son of a police officer. George Floyd was killed by a police officer. Eugene Goodman is black. George Floyd was black. I am white. My dad was white. 

When I was a sophomore in high school, my mom and dad were leaving my high school's varsity football game (I played junior varsity) and witnessed a teenager harassing one of the school administrators. Later they would find out he was high on PCP, but in that moment, my dad tried to deescalate the situation. The teenager had a knife, cut my dad's arm and then stuck it deep into my dad's upper thigh. 

Anyone in law enforcement or with family in law enforcement knows that when an officer is in distress, every available officer gets there to help. Which is what happened when my dad was stabbed. They arrested the teenager and my dad eventually recovered. 

That teenager was Latino. And while I wouldn't call my dad an anti-racist -- he certainly wasn't without prejudice -- he did check in on the kid who stabbed him. That same teenager was in and out of prison until his early 20's, and the last time he went into prison, he was stabbed and killed by another inmate. According to my mom, prior to young man's death, my dad tried to get him drug rehabilitation help and more. I never knew that back then, not until years later, just like I didn't know really how much my dad led with empathy as a police officer. How the bad guys and girls, as well as the good guys and girls, really liked my dad. Respected him as a police officer. A 32-year veteran of the force who told me he only had to pull his gun one time during his tenure, and he never fired it while on duty. 

My dad and mom both passed away in 2012. Growing up, I was the most liberal in our family compared to my sister and three step-sisters. Only just slightly left-center back then, but still the most liberal. As a retired police officer, I'm not exactly sure how my dad would've responded to the unnecessary deaths of unarmed young black men and women by police officers in the past few years. How he would've responded to the social protests and #BlackLivesMatter and the violence that erupted across cities in 2020 after George Floyd was killed. 

I do remember talking with him about the beating of Rodney King and the riots that followed. He was quite vocal about the destruction the riots caused, the people and good officers put in harm's way, and he thankfully agreed that the excessive force used against Rodney King was egregious. And he wasn't surprised when the officers were acquitted either. I don't remember whether or not he agreed with that verdict, or whether he empathized with the why of the riots. I hope it was the latter.

However, one thing I will never forget, is the Capitol Insurrection on January 6, 2021. I will never forget the why and the lie of it. How my heart breaks every time I think about how the hate-power surged and the continuing lack of accountability since (even with the hundreds arrested). I will never forget those who participated in it and those who supported it onsite and from afar. The white hate and the Confederate flags and the racial slurs and the noose and the police officer being beaten with a flagpole flying the America flag. Our violent American history again retching itself upon us. The perpetual safety problem for so many. 

I will also never forget one black police officer -- Eugene Goodman -- who faced 400 years of angry white supremacy and power patriarchy to protect those who worked in the Capitol. I really want to believe my dad would've stood with Officer Goodman and the other officers protecting the Capitol.

Which brings me full circle back to this Easter and my unreconcilable rage since January 6. We've been listening to the audio book Four Hundred Souls: A Community History of African America 1619-2019, and the painful truth of our violent racist history that's been kept from us since the founding of this country continues to fuel my rage. A rage that seeps into our family conversational ether. A rage our daughters struggle to understand why, after all the love and empathy and Kidpower my wife and I practice at home, I despise those who've perpetuated racist hate for generations, however subtle or blatant. Why I hold onto holding those accountable who have denied and continue to deny women and people of color the same inalienable rights that white men have guaranteed themselves for hundreds of years. 

When I think about the Jesus in my childhood heart, He was anti-racist. He led with eyes of love and empathy regardless of who you were. He worked hard to end inequities for all people; everlasting love is possible through Him. My God, Jesus was literally a person of color, but that same salvation ideal He brought to the world has been withheld from so many generations of women and all people of color by my own white legacy. That is what I cannot reconcile -- for our daughters, our communities, our nation. 

Even hearing Martin Luther King Jr.'s well-versed words, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that," cannot console me today, this holiest of days. And yet I know my rage cannot be sustained; my rage cannot make a difference; my rage will not quell the darkness. 

So, please don't send your nice thoughts or prayers. Just know that we are all simultaneously part of the problem and the solution in America. I implore you to be part of the solution. 

All These Things Can Lead to Grace

We had watched Serpico together, the real-life story of a NYPD office who went undercover to expose corruption in the police force from 1960 to 1972. Our family always watched police dramas together, nonfiction and fiction alike. My sister and I were in high school, and at that time, our father was a police detective responsible for forgery and fraud, and our mother was the police dispatch supervisor. 

After watching Serpico, I remember asking my dad if there were any bad cops in our hometown police department. He paused, then gave me this answer:

"Well, son, there are good cops, and there are bad cops, just like there are good bakers and bad bakers. Unfortunately there are always some who don't play by the rules and hurt others. But for us, yes, there are mostly good cops."

I responded, "But bad bakers don't kill other good bakers, or other people."

My dad smiled and nodded. "You are correct, son. You are correct. They do not. Not usually."

They never do. They just go out of business, I thought.

Our dad wasn't without his own biases, or our entire family for that matter, but time and again while he was alive and after he passed away, and after 32 years on the force, good guys and bad guys alike couldn't help but like him. He taught us a lot empathy, inclusion and forgiveness, even when it wasn't intentional. Our mom did the same. They both loved their families and God. 

And then in the summer of 2012 he was gone, and four months later she was gone. It's hard to imagine them here today, in the middle of pandemic with all the health issues they used to have, of what we'd have to do to care for them. 

But I do want them both here today -- I know my sister does as well. I want my dad to be here and to tell me why there are still bad cops doing the wrong things in our communities. Why they hate so much and keep using such excessive force killing black and brown men and women. Why supposedly good cops stand by and do nothing. Why so many of them are never arrested or prosecuted. Why so many police reforms are never sustained. Why the normalcy of racism in this country continues.

The recent killing of George Floyd by a white police officer who kneeled on his neck until he stopped breathing, has incited protests and violence across the U.S. This because George Floyd, an unarmed African American had supposedly tried to use a counterfeit bill at a convenience store. George Floyd, one more name in a sea of names that, when I think about, I couldn't name, other than Ahmaud Arbery. He was another unarmed black man who was jogging and then chased by two white men and gunned down because they said they were trying to make a citizen's arrest, when there is no such thing. 

Thankfully there are those who help us remember, like the daughter of an old friend from high school who created a poster with all the names. 

I want my dad (and mom) here today to help answer the why questions, because I struggle to answer them for my own daughters. My wife and I have be teaching our girls about slavery and how people of color have been treated poorly throughout American history since they were little. 

Both girls listened and ask legitimate questions like "why would people do that" over and over, questions that aren't hard for us to discuss, but hard for us to answer being a white family who have not experienced systemic discrimination like non-whites have in this country for hundreds of years. Which is why, at the end of the day, my dad probably wouldn't be able to answer them either, no matter how hard he tried. White supremacy is the legacy of the modern day police force and it needs a bigger condemnation than "good cops and bad cops," and more serious reforms than have fizzled out to date. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, I just wish we would've gone deeper on this subject together. 

The other day I told my daughters about George Floyd and what's been happening in our country. They didn't know because we don't watch the news with them. 

"I don't understand why skin color matters!" said Beatrice, after I finished.

"I know," I said. 

"They just need to get over it!" said Bryce.

"Who?"

"White people." 

Wow, Bryce. Sadly, that's the argument made by too many whites today, that they have nothing to do with racism, that black and brown people have more rights than they do, that they need to get over it, especially if all they're going to do is burn everything down. This continues to be the dividing sentiment of the day. 

Thankfully my wife works for Kidpower and I'm so glad that Kidpower community reminded me of their commitment to safety and justice for all: 

At Kidpower, we believe that everyone has the right to safety, respect, peace, and justice. We are heartbroken about the suffering and tragedy caused by racist attacks and discrimination against people of color in our communities, at our borders, and around the world. We will continue to speak out and take action to protect and empower all people. 

Yes, continue to speak out and take action to protect and empower all people. Always.

But then I also keep thinking about the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. quote someone posted on my Facebook wall that ended: 

Riot is the language of the unheard.

I am privileged. I am biased. I am white. I am male.

I empathize. I sympathize. I fight the good fight. 

Everyone has the right to safety, respect, peace, and justice. 

I hope that Minneapolis police officer is prosecuted and locked up for the rest of his life, and that the officers who were with him are arrested as well. 

I'm tired of the commentary that includes, "Well, I don't like what happened to that black man, but I don't agree with violent protests."

I don't agree with them either; our family has been a part of many peaceful protests. Those committing the current violence in our communities and looting and destroying businesses should also be held accountable. So many business were already on the brink of bankruptcy because of COVID-19. And one of my employees and his wife and family live not more than a mile from the violence in Minneapolis. 

My sister was also a police officer for many years, and we both still have friends and family who are in law enforcement, good people who's lives are now in danger.  

But, imagine being subjected to 400+ years of institutionalized systemic racism and violence. Of being afraid of walking down the street and being harassed by the police because you're a black or brown male. 

Then imagine bringing a bazooka or an assault rifle into a sandwich shop or a state's capital building. Of law enforcement not doing a thing about it because you can, and because you're white. 

I want to be part of positive change. I don't want my city burned down.

I empathize. I sympathize. I fight the good fight. 

And I miss my mom and dad. I miss talking with them about life and current events that affect us all, even if we didn't always agree on them. Our girls didn't get a chance to know them like I wanted them too, since they were so young when my parents passed away. 

What we did agree on was the fact that positive change starts with our children and grandchildren. That we should teach them compassion, empathy, forgiveness, inclusion and understanding. All these things can lead to grace, a new normalcy desperately needed today.