A Better Bigger Picture

The morning we were to fly home from our holiday vacation, my wife Amy and I went for one last walk in Athens. She suggested that we head up a walkway that we hadn't taken prior. It was the Hill of the Muses, Filopappou Hill, and the wide walkway was made up of stones, clay tiles, and intermittent rectangular stretches of concrete shapes in between. We weren't sure if it was structured this way by necessity or aesthetics, but the rocks were damp from early morning dew and slick to walk on, so we had to walk along the sides and on the concrete strips. 

The walkway wound upward around Filopappou Hill and then it dead-ended. We went beyond the walkway along a dirt trail through some pines and brush until we hit another smaller stone trail that continued upward to another old monument. We didn't have a lot of time to head to that monument, so we continued to where the hill sloped down again, and mercy me, there it was: an amazing few of the Acropolis. What remained and what continues to be excavated and restored was over 2,500 years old. We had already done the Acropolis tour with our family, but this was altogether breathtaking.

We gazed at what's considered the birthplace of modern democracy. Later I would read about how the Greek philosopher Aristotle analyzed the different systems of governance that the Greek city-states had and divided them into three categories based on how many ruled: the many (democracy/polity), the few (oligarchy/aristocracy), a single person (tyranny, or today: autocracy/monarchy). 

Aristotle wrote: 

Now a fundamental principle of the democratic form of constitution is liberty—that is what is usually asserted, implying that only under this constitution do men participate in liberty, for they assert this as the aim of every democracy. But one factor of liberty is to govern and be governed in turn; for the popular principle of justice is to have equality according to number, not worth, and if this is the principle of justice prevailing, the multitude must of necessity be sovereign and the decision of the majority must be final and must constitute justice, for they say that each of the citizens ought to have an equal share...

Sounds familiar for those of us who know anything of U.S. history. The Preamble to the Declaration of Independence states:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

A lot more came from Athenian philosophers and democratic politics that impacted our own U.S. Constitution (and many other democracies around the world). But as I stood there with my wife and took in the physical history of the Acropolis from afar, my thoughts turned bittersweet. What will the world look like for our children when they're adults? And will they be able to keep democracy alive?

Representative democracies are hard to maintain and the conflicting wills of everyday people and the powerfully rich can change the political landscape from democracy to oligarchy and autocracy in seemingly a blink of an eye. And history has blinked again and again for thousands of years. 

So, if you feel like you're treading water to take care of yourself and your family, and the big picture around you today is blinking yet again, get involved locally. Yes, I'm serious. Get involved locally. Volunteer for your kids' school. Better yet, run for your local school board (I did), a cornerstone of democracy. Volunteer for a city commission. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Become an immigrant and an LGBTQ+ advocate. Volunteer at a senior center. Help out and advocate for those displaced by fires and other natural disasters. The list is endless, and the impacts endless as well. Little differences always make for a better bigger picture. 

And for God's sake, hold your elected officials accountable and keep voting. Blessings to you all. 

More Heaven Than Hell

It feels like everyone and everything has gone darker than ever. Meaning, things that are dark and evil have more gravitas than things that are light and good. Yes, there are many dark things happening in the world today, that I will not argue, but I do wonder if we aren't manifesting some of that directly ourselves. (A remake of an old horror story, Nosferatu, about an obsessive vampire opened on Christmas Day 2024, for God's sake.)

Whatever the case, the darkness sells, and has throughout the history of humanity (we are a violent lot). An older example is one of my favorite books I read in college -- The Divine Comedy by the Italian writer Dante Alighieri. Actually a narrative poem finished around 1321, it's divided into three parts: Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso. 

Ultimately, the poem is about the soul's journey toward God and is heavily grounded in medieval Catholic theology and philosophy. Dante makes the journey through hell, purgatory, and then paradise (heaven). But the Inferno (hell) has been referenced much more over the 700+ years since than the other two poems about purgatory or paradise. In fact, I've made the mistake multiple times of referencing Dante's Inferno as the entire work, when it's made up of the three parts above. 

The Roman poet Virgil guides Dante through Hell and Purgatory. But it's Beatrice, Dante's ideal woman, who guides him through Heaven. Beatrice was a Florentine woman he admired after meeting her in childhood. She was his muse, and it's that part of the story that I aggregate to, because my wife Amy became my muse from the moment we met. She's been guiding me toward heaven ever since.

I know, kinda sappy, and while the world today prefers more hell than heaven, we don't want to live that way. I've had plenty of hell in my lifetime to know I want muses who aim for paradise, not those who wallow in darkness. This is why when we decided to have children, that if she was a girl, her name would be Beatrice. And she was and that became her namesake; our guide through parenthood and beyond. 

We always wanted the opportunity to take both our kids to visit their namesakes, but to date, have only done that for Bryce, our second child. Back in May 2007 we had taken a Southwest road trip that became the tipping point to changing our minds about having children, especially after visiting Bryce Canyon. We went again in 2021 and that's when Bryce met their origin story.

When we planned for our current winter break trip to Rome and Athens, we knew we'd have to go to Florence, the birthplace of Dante Alighieri and where Dante first met his muse, Beatrice. And that's exactly what we did. That's when Beatrice met her origin story. 

Bryce claims that the dirty old Bryce Canyon in Utah isn't as glamorous as Florence in Italy, but we reminded both kids that there would be no origin stories without that Southwest road trip back in 2007 (Beatrice arrived in September 2008).

That's why we're super grateful. Not only to have taken both kids to visit their namesakes, and learn the what and why of them, but also to remind them they're the reasons why we'll always revel in more heaven than hell. Amen.

Learn to Celebrate the Miracle of Your Choices

I used to swim in regret. Or, more accurately, dog paddle and barely keep my head above a sea of regrets. Make poor choices; nearly drown in regret. This was the way for a long time going back to teenage-land. 

Throughout this process, the cliché of I wish I knew then what I know now was definitely one I played out over and over like a favorite pop song. One that I'd get burnt out on, tried not to listen to, but every time it came on I danced awkwardly like no one was watching. 

Until I realized that choices are like little miracles of learning -- good, bad, or indifferent. And even then, these value judgements are unnecessary if we are truly learning, adapting, and living a generous life of giving and accepting that encourages others to do the same. Little miracles that make us who we are in each and every moment; that we aren't the worst choices we've ever made. When my wife Amy and I were first dating, she bought me a journal that had this phrase on the cover: Celebrating the Miracle of Our Choices. That theme became part of our vows that we read to each other each year on our anniversary. 

This theme is one that only now impacts me more profoundly than when Amy and I met or when we became parents. This is because the miracle of our choices is always about the now again. Meaning, we can make a healthy difference in our own lives, the lives of our children, and the lives of others, in every miraculous choice we make. 

I know it's hard to see the positive impact we can make when we swim in regret, replaying the past over and over again and wondering what would've happened if we made another choice. Our teens are experiencing this now, which is normal, and we encourage them to stay grounded in the now of choices. 

I truly believe that, regardless of our circumstance, every moment is a new opportunity to learn from our past choices and play it forward today. Learn to celebrate the miracle of your choices. The impact can be a profound cascade of positive and healthy living.

Happy New Year and blessings to you and yours.

Believe To Become

Beatrice started the old stop-motion animated The Little Drummer Boy. 

"I've never watched this one," she said. "Did you used to watch this one?"

"It was one of my favorites growing up," I said. 

"Is that your origin story, Dad?" Bryce asked sarcastically, knowing how much I love playing the drums now.

"Yes, yes it is, Bryce," I answered emphatically with a big smile.

"Did you play your drums for the baby Jesus?" Bryce added.

"I wish I did."

"Did you cry when you watched The Little Drummer Boy?"

"Every year."

"Awe, that's sweet," Beatrice said. They both know Dad's always a hopeful crier.

Those were simpler times when my sister and I were kids. Every holiday getting together with the extended family, eating way too much food, singing Christmas carols, and celebrating the birth of Jesus. Plus, getting to watch all our favorites stop-motion and other animated classics, and of course, opening all the gifts. 

Sigh. I can hear the Peanuts gang singing "Christmas Time Is Here." 

"Christmastime is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of year..."

It wasn't all happy and carefree, though. The pleasant memories were bound to painful ones. Growing up with domestic violence and abuse sent my sister and I hurtling away from the innocence of childhood toward the concrete ceiling of adulthood at the speed of sound. The eventual sonic booms were deafening at times. 

And because my ears still sometimes pop from the pressurized past, my wife Amy and I were always all in for delivering supportive and loving parenting underscored with positive discipline. We don't always get it all right, but we do work hard to right the wrongs of our own pasts. 

Now our kids aren't kids any longer. Still years away, adulthood is coming faster for them. There are more questions about our specific rites of passages, the choices we made, and navigating friendships. There are questions about financial literacy, which we started having with them a few years ago. Beatrice has already had her first paying job and Bryce wishes they had one (besides the allowance they get for doing weekly household chores).

Their schoolwork gets harder every year and they have to focus more and more on time management and project management, which stresses both of them out. They realize how competitively ugly the world can be and how they'll have to navigate that throughout high school, college, and whatever they end up being and doing in their lives.

Yes, our kids have grown older and the simpler times have waned like a beautiful but brief winter sunset. Through this transitional time, the one thing we can't do for them, and really don't want to do, is to live their lives for them as they barrel toward adulthood. They have to go through it, with our guidance, of course. 

Now we hear them say, "I just don't have the time I need to get everything done -- and still be able to chill out!"

Which isn't true, but it's what it feels like sometimes. We can go from being on top of the world, to being flattened by it, especially when we hit that adulthood ceiling full force. But if there's one thing my origin story has taught me is that this ceiling can and does open like a magical observatory revealing a starlit universe of endless potential. 

Hard to see when you're scraping yourself off the ceiling, but all you need to do is believe to become, and then get to work. 

Blessings to you all however you celebrate this holiday season. Merry Christmas. 

Celebrate the Best of Us

Am I forever unredeemable?
Can I ever overcome all the wrongs I'm running from?
Can my worst be left behind
And do I deserve to find
There's a soul who could see any good in me?
Or will I only ever be
Unredeemable?

–Unredeemable, from Spirited

Spirited is one of my favorite Christmas movies today. Only two years old, it stars Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynolds and is an over-the-top A Christmas Carol twist of a musical comedy. I love it. Our kids like it. My wife Amy does not. At least, not all the singing and dancing parts. Actually, none of the singing and dancing parts. 

She's not a musical fan, but she kind of likes the story. That one along with many other holiday movies we watch this time of year: predictable campy comedies and melodramatic classics and heartfelt uplifters. For us anyway. The Holiday, Elf, Christmas Vacation, Just Friends, Four Christmases, Noelle, When Harry Met Sally, The Family Man (still my favorite), and It's a Wonderful Life (always a favorite). There are others as well, but these are the mainstays. And yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

However, A Christmas Carol isn't one of my favorites, whether the Charles Dickens' novel or any of the movie adaptations over the years. I get the story. I like the story. Just not a favorite.

But the theme of it -- that even the worst human is redeemable and can be inspired to find the good inside others and inspire others to do the same -- has always resonated with me. 

Too bad the worst humans today get the most media visibility and inspire too many others to do their worst as well, including our children and grandchildren. Our own children ask us all the time now why so many people celebrate and support those who embrace the worst qualities of humanity. That's always a super-tough one to answer, and it gets harder to answer as our kids get older. 

Because we're all a little unredeemable, aren't we? That's what makes us human (and why we watch all those campy holiday movies each year). No matter what religious or spiritual belief system and/or societal norms we choose to live by, or try to live by, or pretend to live by, most of us have made poor choices and done bad things we're not proud of. 

Some of those have seen the light of day and hopefully we've repented, while others are secrets buried deep inside the dark wells of our hearts. Mercy me, that seems to be the plot of nearly every contemporary dark novel and movie adaptation in recent memory. 

Our kids want to know about our poor choices and bad things we're not proud of; they want to understand who we were, those choices we've made in our lives, and why we became who we are today as they're becoming who they are tomorrow. Of course, we don't tell them everything, but we do want them to understand the why of our choices and what those repercussions were, and what they could be today or tomorrow if they made them.

When they ask, we also talk openly about the worst of humanity with our kids now that they're older, while emphasizing the best of humanity when they don't. We know we shouldn't be defined by the worst things we've done, as long as we've worked hard to be good people and do good things for ourselves and others. 

Are we ever unconditionally selfless, empathetic, and loving with others throughout our lifetimes, no matter what they've done? For most of us, no. It's more complicated and nuanced for most humans, and the worst-of-us recidivism is unfortunately up these days. But instead of wallowing in all that, something I struggled with in my youth, I only need to look at my wife and children to know that we work hard to celebrate the best of us. It's not a Dickens' novel, or a spirited modern day musical (of which Amy is thankful), but it is a story of redemption I continue to write with gratitude. 

Wiring the Right Way

I remember jumping off our roof into the swimming pool when my sister and I were in high school. Super fun and super dangerous, our dad would get so mad at us when he caught us.

According to psychologist David Yeager, something that looks like risky and crazy to us, may be a new way to solve a problem. Well, maybe not jumping off the house roof into the pool, but other things could apply, based on a podcast my wife Amy listened to: Dr. Maya Shankar -- A Slight Change of Plans: What We Get Wrong About The Teen Brain.

This was something Amy talked to me about on our mountain hike this morning. Yes, the teen brain doesn't finish developing and maturing until the mid-to-late 20's. The prefrontal cortex is one of the last parts to mature and it's the area that's responsible for skills like planning, prioritizing, and making good decisions. Something many adults struggle to believe at times that teens can do. That teens are "all gas, no brakes". Which is true, again at times, but again, they are capable of planning ahead. 

From the podcast above, the psychologist used the example of planning to sneak out of the house. Now, as we discussed this fact on our hike, we were not advocating it, but my Amy did sneak out when she was a teen. I, however, did not. Really, I didn't. My sister did, including taking my El Camino for a joy ride, but I never snuck out. Nope, I did not. Don't look at me like that. 

Here's a much less risky brain-powered example: How many competitive Olympic heroes are teens who train and develop their bodies and brains for the future? Quite a few actually. Of the 2024 Paris Olympic Great Britain and Northern Ireland team, 14 were teenagers out of 327. There were many others from around the world. 

Our teens are teens, yes, and they've had mental trials already, but they do continue to amaze us with their creative brain power (without sneaking out or jumping off the roof). Our oldest Beatrice constantly develops her artistic abilities and fine motor skills, and one of her recent projects was a meticulous model of a cute alleyway with a coffee shop and a bookshop. I helped with the wiring but she did all the rest. Bryce has also been back at the guitar working their brain overtime to learn some sweet tunes. 

Bryce also surprised us at the joint middle school and high school holiday choir performance when they joined 4 other classmates in singing and performing Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal, which they practiced secretly for weeks. Their version was fantastic and tears definitely came streaming down this dad's face. Plus, there's the fact that both our teens can and do talk thoughtfully about current social issues, ethics, and how they are empathic allies for marginalized groups. 

Sure, they may forget to take out the trash when we ask, or close the freezer all the way after I reminder them, or feed the pets when they're supposed to, but their brains are wiring the right way, and for that we're grateful. 

Loudly, Proudly, and with Much Love

On the way to my sister's house for Thanksgiving, our kids turned us on to some great new music. Artists we never would've heard otherwise -- beabadoobee, Alex G, Will Wood, The Volunteers, The Wallows, Glass Animals, and many others. Stuff that's not played on what's left of mainstream radio. Some of it sounding like shades of our music pasts from the 70's, 80's, and 90's. 

My wife Amy and I smiled in the front seat as we drove on and our kids excitedly took turns sharing their favorite artists, bands, and songs. Not all the music was our "cup of tea" as the expression goes, but much of it we really liked. It was also great insight into their teenage sensibilities.

Our kids have grown up hearing our music over and over again -- pop, rock, soul, rhythm and blues, and even some contemporary indie folk and country. Amy and I are also big fans of what's now called Yacht Rock -- smooth but surprisingly complex early "emo" (emotional) pop-rock from the 70's and 80's (think Steely Dan, Toto, Christopher Cross, Michael McDonald, Kenny Loggins, Ambrosia). We just finished watching a great documentary called Yacht Rock: A DOCKumentary from HBO Documentary Films that we highly recommend for those who love that music.

Early on in my life my mom turned me on to that music and more -- rhythm and blues, soul, pop, and of course my favorite, rock (and roll). Everything from Janis Joplin to the Ohio Players to Michael Jackson to Earth Wind & Fire to Pablo Cruise to The Doobie Brothers. 

Billy Joel's hit "Only the Good Die Young" was the first 45 record I bought with my allowance. My sister and I walked to the local mall and went to the Woolworth's record section where we would check out all the records for what seemed like hours. Every time we had enough money to buy a new single, we made the trek to Woolworth's. 

A few years later when I was 13, I joined the Columbia Record Club and bought 13 records for 1 cent, which really turned out to be more in shipping and handling. But my parents weren't happy when they found out I still had to buy three more albums over two years at full overpriced Columbia Record Club prices. However, those first 13 albums were my coming of age -- Kiss, Kansas, Journey, Boston, Queen, Aerosmith, AC/DC, and others (becoming the Rush fan I am today would come a few years later). 

Between then and now there's been so much amazing music I've experienced, and I must credit my nephew Nick for turning me onto to some of it during the 2010's. His mother (my sister) and father were also grounded in
tons of great music and both my nephew and niece love it all, too. Again, thank you, Nana (Mom). 

One of many shared loves of Amy and I that's fueled our love for nearly three decades is this very music we grew up with, our coming-of-age music, and the music we've grown together with ever since we met. Our kids don't necessarily like all these past musical artists and bands as much as we do, but our music has influenced them more than they've realized, just like my mom's music influenced my sister and me. 

Our kids grew up loving pop music (Taylor Swift and many others), but today along with pop, Beatrice also loves alt-rock from the 90's to today (thank you grunge), and Bryce loves edgy new punkish-rock and amazing new singer-songwriter music. Now the coming-of-age circle is complete because they're turning us on to a lot of great new music. 

But the greatest tribute for me, even though they don't listen to the band (yet -- ha!), is the fact that my daughters wear my Rush t-shirts and sweatshirts. That most certainly rocks, because what they don't know is that to me (and millions of fans), Rush has always represented individualism, critical thinking, learning, levity, and empathy -- all the things and more we want for them -- loudly, proudly, and with much love.