An Impactful Loving Life

"It's true that love can change us
Never quite enough
Sometimes we are too tender
Sometimes we're too tough..."

—Rush, Emotion Detector

They forgot the onion rings. I had gone out to pick up some take-out food for the family, and when I went through a fast food drive-thru, I decided to stop in the parking lot to check the order. Sure enough, the onion rings weren't there. No problem. I went through again and they gave me the onion rings they had forgotten, but as I drove away, I ate one of the fries. It was soft and cold. Ugh. I went through the drive-thru again, and they gave me hot and crispy fries. They were pleasant and I thanked them. 

Our oldest daughter Beatrice also wanted a shake. The fast food place weren't making shakes for whatever reason, so I had to go to another place to get one. The person helping me literally rolled their eyes and sighed when I asked for a strawberry shake. They made it for me, and considering there was no one else in the establishment, I didn't understand the attitude. I thanked them and left.

After going to the third place to get my wife and me our favorite weekly taqueria meal, which went fine (they know us well there), I was frustrated from having to go to so many different places to get my family food, something I've done many times in the past without incident. This time it just made me mad for taking so long and I knew the food would be cold (which some of it was). When I got home I announced to my wife and two daughters:

"I'm never going out to get food again."

Of course, I didn't mean it. I was just frustrated and triggered for no good reason really. After whining about it for a bit, I realized how bad it all sounded, and I apologized. First of all, I was more than grateful that we were able to get any kind of food we want to begin with whenever we wanted. My wife concurred. I also told them all that restaurants of all types have struggled to stay open and stay staffed during the pandemic and continue to struggle. I wasn't rude to these different eatery employees, but too many consumers have been the past two years; it can be such a thankless job for what minimum wage pays. And even with wages increasing more in the past year than the past time for the lowest wage earners, inflation continues to eat away any gains they may have had.

That last part I thought better about digressing on, sensing my family didn't want an economics lecture. But my grumpy reaction to just going out to pick up food did remind me of our weekly family meetings where, among many important dynamics, we cover:

• Managing emotions
• Positive communications
• Providing support

What happened reminded me that we're all easily triggered, and although we should be more responsible for how we react in any situation, it ain't as easy as the being triggered part. In fact, there are too many people struggling these days -- mentally, emotionally, spiritually -- all the -ally's for that matter. As the pandemic continues to turn us upside down, keeping our communication with each other positive and supportive can be difficult to sustain. 

As my wife and I have learned from reading researcher Brené Brown, someone who's studied courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy for the past two decades, being vulnerable with each other and staying positive and supportive in the moment is hard. Armoring up and lashing out is the unfortunate easy-button default setting we keep powered on. 

We can rewire this default setting. We really can. Our family works on it every day of every week. It's not always easy, but mercy me it makes for an impactful loving life.

Our Habits of Healthy

Words are powerful things. They can love and nurture us. They can degrade and hurt us. And unfortunately with the latter, we share them all too easily before we think them through. 

But when we do think them through thoughtfully, they can be empowering building blocks that change our immediate worlds and the greater world around us for the better. 

Starting in January 2021, I asked my work team to share a meaningful word at the end of our staff meetings. Whatever resonated with them in that moment. It didn't matter if it related to work or not either. Just one word that encapsulated how they felt right then and there. Words like:

• Grateful
• Invigorated
• Apprehensive
• Closure
• Compassion
• Unstuck
• Unity
• Celebration

And the list of words goes on and on. Just like our weekly family meetings where we share compliments, gratitude, appreciation and "noticing" -- something nice we notice about each other and/or ourselves that we share as a family -- and more. Words that love and nurture my wife, my children, and me, while also talking about the why of those that degrade and hurt us, if and when they arise. Putting a positive spread into practice, takes practice. 

For the past few years on New Year's Day, the executive director and founder of Kidpower International, the organization my wife works for, has asked the Kidpower community what word of phrase they'd use to describe the coming year. My wife's word this year is well-being, which means "the state of being comfortable, healthy, or happy." Her wish for us all is to live with a sense of well-being in every moment.

Amen. My word for 2022 is "habit" -- of making empathy, love, and learning daily habits. Of taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Of having healthy relationships that are nurturing and reciprocally trusting and respectful of boundaries, without judgment. Habit literally means "a regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up," and literally the world we've lived in for the past two years has pushed many to the edge of giving up on these kinds of healthy habits. 

Let's reinvest in our habits of healthy this year. Blessings to you all and Happy New Year. 

To Smile And Laugh And Sing Along

The Facebook post was clear, something had happened to her. When someone writes "you will be missed," that is telling. The person in question was one of the beloved teachers from our girls' grade school. Beatrice didn't have her as a teacher, but she was Bryce's combined kindergarten-1st grade teacher. 

I came into the house from my office and asked my wife Amy if she heard anything about Miss Tina, as the teacher was known at school, but she hadn't. I went back out to my office, and shortly after that, Amy texted me while I was on a call: "Come in when you’re off the phone."

It was December 23, and what Amy found out was that Miss Tina had suddenly passed away from a brain aneurysm the day before, only three days before Christmas. She was married with two teenage kids, too. She was also around my wife's age, and what I didn't know about brain aneurysms was that women are more likely than men to have a brain aneurysm, and those over the age of 55 have a higher risk of brain aneurysm rupture than men. 1 in 50 people in the U.S. have an unruptured brain aneurysm.

I can't imagine this happening to Amy. I don't want to imagine it happening, not with two kids in tow. But we're both north of 50 now, and no matter how healthy we are, or think we are, anything can happen at any time. Which is why we embrace and celebrate every moment with each other and with our children. 

Our hearts go out to Miss Tina and her family. I found a picture I took in her classroom from years ago of Bryce and her class listening to songs and singing along. And there was Miss Tina in the back, thoroughly enjoying the singing, embracing and celebrating every moment with her class. That's how I remember her,  how calm and relaxed she always seemed, always Zen, and always smiling. 

I asked Bryce what she remembers the most about her teacher. She said she remembers how Miss Tina always helped kids smile and laugh, especially those who were having a bad day. 

So, blessings to you, Miss Tina. You will be missed. Thank you for reminding us to smile and laugh and sing along. 

May This Force Be With You

The first time I saw it from afar was 2018. Construction was well underway during our last trip to Disneyland at the time, just beyond Frontierland, and we could see the top of the far away galaxy to come. During the summer of 2019, we were fortunate to take our family to Disney World, but were too early to see Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge; it had opened in Anaheim but not in Orlando at that point. I remember standing in front of the gate where it would open only a few months later. Yes, we love Disneyland.

If you've read my writings over the years, you also know that I love Star Wars and that it had a profound affect on me ever since the first time I saw it in 1977. That summer I was nearly 12 years old and the world was a dark and surreal place. We were in a long and steep recession, political apathy had spiked due to Watergate, and Middle East tensions ran high. Our family also experienced domestic violence and sexual and emotional abuse during the 1970's. Thankfully we had a mother who emphasized love and empathy over fear and hate, even after everything she'd been through, and we'd been through. 

At that time, Star Wars was a hopeful escapism for me with a greater theme of a positive power that could transform the universe: The Force. At the time I had become disillusioned with many things including religion, so science fiction and fantasy became my savior of sorts. 

I've been a fan ever since. When I heard Disney was building a land dedicated to Star Wars, I was out-my-mind excited. I couldn't wait. My wife and children knew I couldn't wait. But then the COVID-19 pandemic struck, and the world again became a dark and surreal place. 

We've lived through the past two years and have remained a strong, supportive, and loving family unit. My wife and I have worked hard and have been grateful to be able to provide for our family and do some fun things along the way. One of those things was planning another trip to Disneyland at the beginning of the holiday season this year (and the fact that it was safer to do so).

I finally got to see Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge for the first time. I got to see the Millennium Falcon up close, for goodness sake, and fly it. Yes, I knew it wasn't real, trust me, no matter how much I wanted it to be, but to stand in front of it and have a picture of my family letting the "Force" flow through us all was a super-thrilling and proud moment.  

Yes, proud. Because there's a real force that's empowered our family year after year, from New Year's Day to New Year's Eve. A force nurtured from practicing Kidpower physical and emotional safety skills, positive communication and relationship skills, and clear boundary-setting skills. Of course our family doesn't get these things right all the time, which is why we work on it week after week. The key is sustaining and growing; a Christmas magic that never ends. 

Even now with our girls being a teen and tween, rolling their eyes when we want them to practice these skills, they still embody them in their daily lives whether they realize it or not. And all of this force is grounded in mindfulness, love, and empathy, without ever compromising our boundaries, wellbeing, or safety, especially when others around us do. 

So, no matter how you celebrate this holiday season, may this force be with you. 

Right Within Our Hearts

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Soon the bells will start
And the thing that'll make 'em ring is the carol that you sing
Right within your heart..."

—Bing Crosby, It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas (written by Meredith Willson)

This time the rule was broken. The rule being, we don't do or listen to anything Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving. Like ever. No matter how tempted any of us are. However, it was still one full week before Thanksgiving and one of the radio stations we flip to in the car started playing Christmas music. 

And the one person who delighted the most in finding out this musical fact was our oldest child, Beatrice. 

"Ugh. Turn the channel," I said.

"No, leave it here! I want to listen!" Bea said.

"Please, turn it," I said to my wife, Amy, sighing audibly.

"No!" Bea protested.

Our youngest child, Bryce, was oblivious, listening to her own music in the backseat.

"Let's just leave it and listen," Amy said, smiling.

"Yes, this one's my favorite," Bea said, referring to "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas."

And so it began, the Christmas season in music. All the classics. All the contemporary covers of the classics. All the originals. Pop. Rock. Alternative. Soul. R&B. Country. All. Of. Them. 

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like Christmas and all the music -- I love it and all the music. Our entire family loves it all. But the rule had always been followed, going back to my childhood, until now. 

It probably didn't help that we were going to Disneyland the week of Thanksgiving, which had already been decorated for the holidays since mid-November. That trip is a story for another time, but just know that Christmas music seemed to emanate from every square inch of that happiest place on earth. 

Shortly after Thanksgiving, our happiest place on earth was driving around nearby neighborhoods to see the holiday lights that people had put out so far. Not too many yet, although there were pockets of magical lights that we slowed to soak in. Of course we were listening to one of now two local radio stations that were playing nothing but holiday music. Except Bryce, who again was in the backseat listening to her own music, although I did hear some "ooo's" and "aaah's" from her watching the lights as we drove by.

Then Bea's favorite Christmas song came on, and we sang along quietly together with Bing Crosby. She doesn't sing out loud much, which is too bad, because she has such a lovely voice like her mother's. We sang along with many Christmas songs as we drove through neighborhoods looking at lights. None of the upside-down bonkers world we've been living in mattered at that moment. None of the big milestones we track for our kids mattered either. Nothing mattered except for our shared love of Christmas magic, always right within our hearts. 

Almost Perfect

Ten minutes before the game was to start, I knew it wouldn't. That's because the team we were supposed to play wasn't there. In fact, they always showed up much earlier than us for the previous two games we played then. But this time they weren't there to play our last game of the season. The league had changed the schedule two months earlier for this last game, but obviously the other team missed it somehow.

Our team, the Flamingos, was only one of four female U12 recreation soccer teams this year (10 and 11-year-olds). Participation overall had taken a hit because of the pandemic, and there weren't any rec teams playing at all in 2020. I hadn't coached since 2018, and our youngest child Bryce hadn't played since 2019. Our oldest, Beatrice, hadn't played since 2019 either, and ended up helping me with the team until she made the 8th grade soccer team (so proud!). I've had the pleasure to coach both daughters. 

Because there were only four teams in our rec league this year, we were to play each team at least three times during the season. Yes, it's a long season, over three months worth of weekly practices and games from August through November, but definitely worth it. I'm so glad my schedule allowed me to coach again. The last game of the season was supposed to be against the best team in our small league, a team that we had played better against the second time around. 

Our team was really looking forward to the last game, and then afterwards, our end-of-year soccer pizza party. It was going to be a night game, the only one of the season for us. They had all grown so much as a team; some of the girls had played before and some had never played, and they all seemed to learn a lot over the three months. Their skills improved, their support of each other blossomed, and they just plain had fun. You can see them all aglow when they know they're playing better, while having fun. Along with Beatrice being an assistant coach, another player's father also helped out, and we all had a blast coaching the team. At the end of the season, I got a card from one of the players that said, "You're the best coach I ever had." And being the Ted Lasso of recreation soccer, I embraced that.

While we waited for the other team, it became clear that they weren't coming. Our team was super excited, bounding all over the field while they warmed up. At dusk, the field lights didn't come on, so that added to the certainly we weren't playing that night. But who doesn't love playing outside at the edge of night? The weather was pleasant and the kids needed to play, play, play! So the adults and some of the players' siblings played against the team. 

It was almost perfect. Until it wasn't. 

Only moments earlier during our fun, frenetic pre-game warm-up after a long season of positive growth, one of our players felt picked on and demeaned by some of her teammates, and then she disappeared into the dimming light of dusk along the sidelines. The team had been so supportive of each other all season, that to find out something like this happened was disappointing. I didn't witness what had happened and unfortunately found out too late to address it in the moment. 

During the season, we won a few games, lost a few, and tied a few. Until that night, I felt it was mostly a "winning" season overall with skill-building, team-building, and fun. Except in the end, we lost one of our own to one bad experience, and as the leader of the team, I felt light years away from almost perfect. But as long as the girls still want to keeping playing soccer, and I hear they all do, then it's still a win for the team. 

The Positive Spread

Our first-born loved dandelions. When she was nearly two years old she loved to pick them and run with them and blow the parachuting seeds into the wind and watch them float away. She'd giggle and do it again and again until the dandelions were all gone. 

When I think about those seeds now, and how many took root where they landed for other children to pick them and blow the seeds away, I think about both our daughters and how they've taken root and grown into positive, loving, empathic, and resilient little humans. 

Our children have become what I'll call the positive spread -- sharing freely a part of their empowered positive souls wherever they go and with whoever they meet. Something it took me decades to be comfortable with. Something I still work on every day. Something we should all work on every day.

Now a tween and a teen, both of our children have grown up with positive discipline and Kidpower. They've learned a lot about natural consequences of their actions; about being calm, confident and aware wherever they go -- to be able to set healthy boundaries and always be emotionally and physically safe while inspiring others in kind. It doesn't mean they always like it when we reference these life skills they've grown up with, but even when they push back on their influence, they embody them each and every day.

I thought I was done with writing in this space, of sharing my family's journey and my own thoughts and feelings about parenting and personal leadership, and I thanked you all for reading. 

But I'm not done. Life is a work in progress and the past two months have been a deep reflection for me of what I thought I'd let go of, but instead what I've held onto. I allowed resentment and anger to reboot inside me after decades of damaged trust with myself and others I thought I had reconciled, but instead, only shuffled around inside my always hopeful heart. 

A heart full of love and optimism ever since I had picked dandelions as a child and blew seeds of hope into the wind. 

We all deserve to be loved and to be safe, and to be given the chance to learn and practice the skills that make it all reciprocally so. This is why I'm rebooting this blog to continue the positive spread that my children and my wife embody every day. I am so grateful for them. 

Blessings to you all. 

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