The Possibilities of Prevention

"Was she asking for it?
Was she asking nice?
Did she ask you for it?
Did she ask you twice?"

–Hole, Asking For It

I saw a social media meme that talked about how we tell our children told not to talk to strangers in person or online, not to get into cars with strangers, and yet today as adults, we order rides on our mobile phones and get into cars with strangers. 

Funny, not funny, because it is exactly what we do. I've used ride shares for years now while traveling for work and even at home sometimes. We've used them as a family when traveling, too. My wife Amy brought up ride shares as well because she knows someone who shares their ride share mobile app with their kids, teenagers, so they can book rides when they need them. That prompted a conversation between us about it, because while we don't judge other parents for doing this, we're both uncomfortable with it. Although we've empowered our kids to be safe by practicing safety skills learned from Kidpower, we don't want our teenagers taking rides with strangers without us. 

Nothing's ever happened to us when using these ride services. Quite the contrary; I've met some very nice people who drive for Uber and Lyft, who are just trying to make a living or some part-time money. But, there have been documented cases of drivers who assault their passengers. 

A new suit just filed in SF County Superior Court has 550 women claiming they were “kidnapped, sexually assaulted, sexually battered, raped, falsely imprisoned, stalked, harassed, or otherwise attacked” by their Uber drivers, and the law firm claims another 150 more women may join the suit.

Jesus. And this isn't new either. These allegations have been going on for a few years. Again, we've never experienced anything like this while using ride sharing services, and we never want to put our daughters into a situation where it could happen. 

But this isn't just a women's issue. Should never be just a women's issue. According to Dr. Jackson Katz, a leading academic and activist on gender-based violence and co-founder of Mentors in Violence Prevention:

“Men commit 99 per cent of rapes. Why is rape a women’s issue? Why do we use passive language about men’s violence? We ask, ‘How many women were raped last year?’ rather than, ‘How many men raped women last year?"

Exactly. Rape culture normalizes violence against women, children, and many others who are marginalized in societies around the world. It drives political agendas. It is excused by media and entertainment. It's so institutionalized and protected by patriarchy that decades go by while millions are raped and assaulted. Like Olympic gymnasts. Like the Boy Scouts. Like young boys and girls in the Catholic and Southern Baptist churches. Like Uber riders. Like spouses, significant others, and countless others. 

I've been a domestic violence and sexual assault awareness advocate for a long time, and the toxic masculinity that has fueled patriarchal control for thousands of years is still quite alive and well in 2022. It's so pervasive that even when there's momentum in dealing with abusive men, the very people who still support those men no matter what turn on those they were supposed to help. I see it happen over and over again. I was also caught up in it three years ago when I served on city commission to help prevent violence against women. Sadly I let it take a toll on my psyche and stepped back from directly volunteering to help. 

That's changing again for me. With our daughters growing up, and with violence against women (and children) still prevalent in every corner of the globe, I have to speak up and again be part of the solution.  Nobody's ever asking for it. Rape culture just wants you to believe they are, or to believe they're lying about it, so it will give men who perpetrate a pass do it again and again. Thankfully there are more men speaking up and standing up to rape culture and patriarchy, with all sorts of organizations around the world enlisting men and women to change societal norms that encourage this cycle of violence. 

Nobody's ever asking for it, so I'm asking for the possibilities of prevention.

Almost Gridless

As we hiked up to the falls, I imagined what it would be like to live off the grid in our trailer camper. Away from most people, politics, and all the polarization of today. Away from all things work and day-to-day responsibilities. Away from most everything. Except when we needed gas, food, and other staples. 

By choice of course, not because we had to if we were experiencing homelessness, or if we were running from the law. Then I thought of the Paul Theroux novel The Mosquito Coast where the main character takes his family to the Honduran jungle to try to live a purer utopian lifestyle with this family, which didn’t happen. But I'm also not a crazy inventor who would put his family in such danger. 

And then I thought of Roger Water’s album The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking, about a man dreaming about his midlife crisis and his crazy attempt of saving his family by moving to the wilderness, but that was another Conrad Heart of Darkness journey that wasn’t what I had in mind. 

I like the idea of it, though. Of living off the grid. A more positive living experience than the examples above. To travel to places we’ve never been, to see wonderful new sights and hike and have amazing (and safe) new adventures. I’d write my great American novel, practice drumming on my practice pad, and read all the time. We’d still need the internet so our children could distance learn. My wife Amy could still work if she wanted and/or just read to her heart’s content and meditate. Maybe she could write her own self-help mindful presence parenting guide. 

However, like the examples above, it may take an unhappy turn (or two) along the way. Our daughters especially would miss all their friends, their devices, their school, and the all the other creature comforts of where we live now. Plus, the reality that Amy and I aren’t ready for retirement yet would also keep my dream of living off the grid just a dream. 

I’m not even sure I’d want to do it full-time either, no matter how much I liked the idea of it, as steep hike up to the falls continued. Our kids weren’t happy about the hike anyway. They never are when it comes to hiking. Thankfully we were with some dear family who live near Clearwater Falls in Oregon where we were hiking to and that kept them motivated. 

It’s Nature’s ride as I wrote recently, the off-the-grid payoff that keeps us all coming back, though, no matter how much the kids dislike hiking. We made it to the end of the trail where the final fenced off observation area was and we stood there in awe watching the water spill over the cliff’s edge. It raced to the rocky river below and the waterfall spray washed over us like a light rain. 

When the rest of our group headed back down the trail, our oldest daughter Beatrice and I wanted to stay for a bit longer. Together we watched the water dance as it fell, and in that moment, there was no other place on earth I wanted to be. And if these are the moments that are almost gridless, peacefully away from most everything, I’ll embrace them every time. 

Never Too Old

Sometimes it can take decades to do something you love. Something you always wanted to learn but never took the time to do so. Something you tried in fits and starts that never stuck. Something that would take a pandemic to jumpstart it. 

I took guitar lessons when I was 9 years old, but never played much after that, or played any other instrument in junior high or high school. I never had any interest in joining band, but I did always love music, and sang in choir in junior high and high school. There was one year in high school when I did pick the guitar again to collaborate with an old friend I was in choir with. Someone who eventually got very serious about music and played professionally. We learned the Eagles' song Lyin' Eyes, but then never played it anywhere except inside my house. 

Although I loved all sorts of music growing up, thanks to my mother, with a particular affinity to R&B, rock, and pop, besides guitar, the only drumming I ever imagined doing was air drumming. I realized as I got older how passionate I was about drumming. 

And there were a few fits and starts of trying to learn. In my 20's, I remember buying a practice pad, drumsticks, and a rudiment lesson book. That lasted a couple of weeks and was then buried in the closet. I tried again in my 30's, and that only lasted a couple of weeks as well. Then in my late 40's, my wife Amy bought me an electronic drum set from Costco. I was super jazzed about it, set it up, and played off and on for a few months. But then that drum set got pushed around the garage and eventually sat unused gathering dust. 

That's all it was ever going to be, until the year 2020. That year started off with the death of my favorite drummer, lyricist, and writer, Neil Peart. Two months later, the world locked down everywhere due to the coronavirus pandemic. Shortly after that, I carved out a new location in the garage, set up my drums again, and restarted some video lessons. This time I lasted months and showed no signs of stopping. I practiced every night after dinner, at least 5-6 times per week.

In December 2020, I sold my old electronic kit and upgraded to a new one. I started new lessons and kept going. Two and a half years later, now in my mid-50's, and I'm really playing the drums. I'm not joining a band anytime soon, but I am playing regularly, learning, and getting better. Sometimes when I come in from practice, Amy and our daughters will say, "I heard you, Dad. Great job!" That means the world to me. 

The takeaway for our children is that they should always pursue what they love, no matter at what age or if it pays the bills or not. Mine never will, but that was never the point. The point was the love of drumming, learning, and keep me mentally and physically fit. There's lots of research out there about how learning challenging new activities keeps an old brain trained and active. I even started my own fun Big Daddy Drumming Practice YouTube channel channeling all the stellar drummers I'm learning from. Rock on, kids. You're never too old to learn new things. 

Deeply Rooted

We always wanted to do things our own way when we first got together. We wanted to travel. We wanted to get married and do our own wedding. My wife Amy wanted to keep her own name and not take mine. We didn't want to have children (until we did). Our families didn't really understand or agree with some our choices, but we were accepted nonetheless. (And that went the other way, too.) 

We were also always more progressive with our politics, especially on social issues. We were (and are) always more supportive of programs that help those marginalized in our society -- people experiencing homelessness, people experiencing poverty, women, children, people of color, LGBTQ people, neurodivergent people, and others. We believe that everyone has the right to be emotionally, psychologically, and physically safe, sound, and supported. Our families didn't always understand or agree with this either, but empathy remained (in reverse as well). Before Amy and I even knew each other, she loved the themes of individuality and tolerance in Marlo Thomas's Free to Be...You and Me and I loved the empathy and inclusivity of Sesame Street. 

Of course we've raised our children with these same values, because we can in America. We live in a country that's supposed to celebrate and protect these values, as well as those counter to ours. We live in a country that's supposed to protect our individual liberties, guaranteed by the 14th amendment. An amendment that was ratified on July 9, 1868, and that was supposed to extend liberties and rights granted by the Bill of Rights to formerly enslaved people. But it was also historically a time when those marginalized in our society didn't have the same supportive programs, and laws, that exist today.

Although we're saddened by the Supreme Court's decision to overturn Roe v. Wade and give the states the authority to regulate abortion and taking away the constitutional right for women to choose, this post isn't about that specifically. It's about the broader progressive theme outlined above and this:

The Constitution protects some rights that are not specifically mentioned in the Constitution, but only rights that are “deeply rooted in this Nation’s history and tradition.”

This is part of Supreme Court Justice Alito's rationale of why some liberties should be protected while others shouldn't be. When you think about that phrase, "deeply rooted in this Nation's history and tradition," and then imagine living in America in 1868, right after the Civil War, none of the marginalized people listed above were deeply rooted. Many had no rights whatsoever and were considered unlawful, regardless of the Bill of Rights and the 14th amendment.

Today, instead of ensuring our promised citizen liberties for all, what's still "deeply rooted in this Nation's history and tradition" is patriarchy, white supremacy, racism, discrimination, misogyny, sexism, and inequality. We were supposed to be better than this; were supposed to make progress; were supposed to find compromise in our differences; were supposed to figure out a more perfect union. 

There are those of us who feel like any progress we've made is slipping away. Voter turnout was lower than ever in many of the primaries this year. If the majority really feel that this country is no longer "we the people," then all liberties and freedoms are potentially lost to those who only care about power and control. 

Amy and I may be a long way from Free to Be...You and Me and Sesame Street, but our liberties and freedoms don't have to be lost -- we vote, we volunteer, we speak out, we get involved, we fight for positive change, we work together regardless of our differences. Our hope is that more of us, including our own children, become our best future prevention offensive to ensure that everyone has the right to be emotionally, psychologically, and physically safe, sound, supported, and are afforded the opportunities to grow and thrive. These are the liberties and freedoms we want to be "deeply rooted" in America today and tomorrow and will continue to strive for.

Their Daily Melodies

I remember holding our daughters after they were born. And every time I held them after that, I was in awe of their breathing, and then eventually their babbling. Listening to them was like a daily mindful meditation. Their peaceful sleep with eyes shut tight and their alert awareness with eyes wide open. These tiny creatures were completely dependent on us to keep them safe and alive. I held them and loved them more than I ever could've imagined. 

Because for many years prior to that, I never imagined holding my own babies. Neither did my wife Amy. We just didn't want to have children. After we each grew up in our own unstable environments, bringing a child into the world just wasn't something we wanted to do. We just wanted to enjoy our lives together and see the world. 

I had crappy father role models, too. An abusive birth father who berated and beat my mother. An abusive first stepfather who terrorized my mother and sister and sexually assaulted me. But even when we found the father we never had in our second stepfather, the one who's name we took, the one who loved and cared for us as his own, it wasn't enough to convince me that I could do the same someday. Or, would want to do the same someday.

One of the many things my dad (second stepfather) instilled in me was listening. Just listening. Without judgment. And sometimes without even talking, because listening was more than verbal. This was especially important during our teenage years, which were the years shortly after our mom and him had gotten together and married. As teens, we didn't think anyone was listening, especially our parents, but Dad listened well. He still was dad, though, and every single time I'd lock my keys in my car as a teenager, which I did a lot, he'd shake his head and say, "Oh, son." And then curse a little and explain to me how and why I should better manage my keys.

When my mom couldn't help herself being reactive and judgmental about a situation, my dad usually could do the opposite. He would listen and was very thoughtful and measured in his response to whatever the situation was. What I didn't realize until over two decades later was how much his listening impacted me. 

Amy and I eventually changed our minds about having children and we're so grateful we did. Back then, we'd been listening to each other without really talking literally about having kids. Like my dad taught me, both verbal and non-verbal listening are key to quality committed relationships -- from spouses to children to friends to any relationship. Holding our newborns and then watching them grow and thrive as children and now to being practically teens has flown by, but we've also celebrated and lived within every moment, which slows time dramatically. 

We actually control life's tempo more than we think we do. It's like me finally learning how to play the drums. It's not just speed or complexity of the literal sequenced beats on the snare, toms, high-hat, and symbols that are important, it's also the empty spaces in between the beats, the rests that connect all the notes. Combined, these music measures are what tell the entire story. If you're listening that is. Our now practically teens may not think we're always listening to them, but we are, and listening to their daily melodies resonates with our deepest love. 

Thank you, Dad. And to grateful "listening" fathers everywhere, Happy Father's Day. 

Our Best Future Prevention Offensive

When I dropped her off at leadership camp, and she gave me a thumbs up at the building door before she went in, I was so proud. She'd been nervous for days and my wife Amy helped prep her of what to expect by having her read through the provided camp materials ahead of time. We both gave her advice on how to be herself around others, the possible icebreakers they may do on day one. No matter how much she knows, the new unknown is stressful for her (just like it was for me at her age).  

Day one came and went and Beatrice our oldest at 13 did just fine, getting to know the other students and her teachers throughout the rest of the week. This leadership camp was to prep her to become junior leader for a summer day camp where she'll be working with kids 7 and 8 years old. Part of her prep training was mandated reporter training, to be able to recognize and report child abuse. There were specific examples and statistics she'd never seen before.

This was eye-opening for her, to learn what happens to some kids growing up. Of course, she's grown up practicing Kidpower as a family and all the emotional, psychological, and physical safety skills it teaches. But that was more hypothetical situations, what happens if. Because both our children are only now becoming more aware of the world around them, they have more specific questions for us as to why people do horrific things to others. 

Beatrice and the other leadership students also had active shooter training. This year alone there have been over 250 mass shootings, and we're not quite halfway through the year. When I wrote about Bryce's 5th grade graduation just a few weeks earlier, there were just over 210. This is a devastating reality for Americans today and our children specifically. 

Of course we don't want our kids (or us) to live in fear everyday in this country, but it is important now more than ever to keep them (and us) educated about personal safety skills. In a polarized world of divisive social and political issues, of ongoing misogyny and patriarchy inciting mostly young boys and men to violence, we are a tinderbox full of deadly fireworks always aflame. 

Which is one reason why I wanted to watch the January 6 committee primetime hearing at dinner with my family. I watched it happened live in 2021 and am still haunted by all the hate and the ultimate coordinated goal of a fascist overthrow. When the committee hearing showed how the day played out on video, how it escalated when the mob attacked the U.S. Capitol police and then the Capitol itself, our children were mortified and wanted to know how this could happen in America. 

That was a tough one for me. The good news is that we've helped our children understand that in America people have the 1st amendment right to speak their minds. We've helped them to understand the differences between the peaceful protests that we've been a part of as a family, and those that spiral into chaos and violence. We've also helped them to understand the differences between truth and lies, inclusion and oppression, empowerment and control. 

No matter our own biases that may get in the way of helping our children understand the world, the burden is still on us to keep our children educated and safe, to support their individuality and continuous growth, and to encourage them to be fair and compassionate people. Beatrice going to leadership camp to work with younger children is definitely a plus. From child abuse, to intimate partner violence, to gun violence, to hate-filled insurrections, our children are our best future prevention offensive. 

Nature's Ride Just Is

The final set of stairs went straight up to the top of Diamond Head. 

“I’m done,” said Bryce, our youngest child. “I’m not going any farther.”

“C’mon, Bryce,” I said. “We’re so close to the top now. You can do it.”

“No, I can’t.”

I knew that look. We’d seen it before on both our kids’ faces time and time again. 

“Why do you guys like hiking so much,” our oldest Beatrice said to both me and her mother, Amy. It wasn't a question; she was annoyed. 

“Because we like to be active and exercise and see the pretty views when we travel,” Amy said. “Take a drink and a rest right now and then we’ll go up.”

“I’m not going,” Bryce insisted. “My head hurts.”

“You both hike 10 miles when we go to Disneyland, and this isn’t even two miles,” I said.

Beatrice shrugged. “Yeah, but we get rewarded along the way – there are rides and treats to eat and we take a lot of breaks.”

“But this is nature’s ride, Bea. And the payoff is going be the view.”

“That's right, nature's ride,” Amy said. 

“I don't want to do it,” Bryce said.

Amy looked at our children, then at me. “Kevin, go ahead and go and I’ll wait with Bryce.”

I sighed. “Bea, do you still want to go up with me? Then you can come back down so Mom can come up with me.”

Beatrice thought about it for a moment, then shrugged again. “Sure, I’ll go up.”

The two of us finished hiking the stairs and made to the top. Bea took a few pictures.

“I don’t feel so good,” she said. “My stomach hurts.” 

“Sorry, sweetie. Go ahead and go back down and tell your mom to come up.”

“Okay.” 

I waited for Amy and soaked in the view. The Pacific Ocean. Waikiki Beach. Honolulu. The Diamond Head dormant volcanic crater behind us. Gorgeous. I was hot and sweaty but the hike was totally worth all this. 

This was our latest family vacation, the first one outside of our trailer camper since covid, and although we’re a close family, we don’t always see eye to eye about things we want to do, places we want to eat, things we want to see. Especially now that we have a tween and a teen in our midst, seemingly always having a headache, or a stomachache, or they’re tired, or they’re hangry (hungry and grumpy), and they just want to stay in the room on their devices. Getting them to go on hikes with us is no easy task, and we sometimes entice with getting treats or going shopping afterwards.

But even parental bribery doesn’t always work. Close-quartered family dynamics on vacation can be like a box of fireworks lighting up; the kids' grumpiness can set off our Mom-and-Dad grumpiness and emotions flare and burst. I'm especially guilty of that. Fortunately, those times are short-lived and we’re back to enjoying (mostly) our vacation activities. Plus, there’s plenty of needed downtime and recharge time for all of us. 

No matter the occasional family angst, we're very grateful we were able to take this latest trip together. Amy and I stood at the top of Diamond Head, with the girls just below us, and agreed that this was the payoff of nature's ride (as opposed to a Disneyland ride), and the answer to Bea's question of why we like being active on vacation and hiking so much. In fact, much of how we live is experiencing nature's ride in a variety of ways, and none of it is an absolute of good or bad, it just is, and we continually work on not taking everything so seriously. Especially after the sucky end of year that Bryce had (and then how she made the best of it).

That one is always tough for me, not taking everything so seriously, because my ego is always applying value judgements to what happens in life. But as I learned during a vacation meditation, “Seriousness is just the ego feeling sorry for itself," and all these experiences we have as a family and individually build on each like the corral reefs we saw far below us; it's the growth of being. Nature's ride just is.