The Abundance Mindset

The Alice in Wonderland ride at Disneyland is one of our favorites. When our kids were little, though, it was a little scary for them, but eventually they came to love it. Our oldest Beatrice especially. 

Although Disney has a reputation of sanitizing classic stories, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland included, the silliness and absurdity of Wonderland is still captured in the Disney animated movie and the ride. The novel by Lewis Carroll was about the transition from the innocence of childhood to the confusing complexities and contradictions of adulthood. It explored an absurd dream world that often mirrored anxieties about growing up and societal rules. Alice ultimately represents the sensible individual navigating absurdity. 

Funny how that works. That's how I felt growing up. That's how I feel now. Yes, I created my own anxious absurdity over the years from young adulthood to my early 30's that I struggled to overcome at times. I always thought the universe conspired against me; that God conspired against me. I grew up in scarcity, believing that everything was limited and out of my reach.

But thanks to my own mindful awakening, and my wife Amy's spiritual guidance, I realized the universe is nothing but abundance. That there's nothing but endless potential, resources, love, and opportunities that exist for everyone. That even with the chaotic and dangerous societal absurdity everywhere today, we can navigate it, push back on it, thrive in it, let it go, and express gratitude for the choices we make every day. 

We impart the abundance mindset on our two teens regularly, at least Amy does more consistently, and that's helped them with their own anxieties about growing up. I still trip periodically over my scarcity past and revert, causing me undue angst and stress. I recognize it even as I'm doing it, which is why I can thankfully rebound quickly. Both Amy and I grew up with very little and we're grateful today for what we have today and what we can provide to our children. We also recognize our privilege, too, knowing there are many marginalized families that struggle to make ends meet in our community. 

Which was why we were happy to attend the Mad Hatters Ball — Raíces y Cariño Gala, a fundraiser for the organization that helps local lower-income families experience health, safety, and joy in our community. It was fun dressing up in the "Alice in Wonderland" theme, play silly games, and listen to some amazing young people sing, all for a great local cause. 

This holiday season, avoid the rabbit holes, embody the abundance mindset, and pay it forward however you can. Blessings to you and yours this holiday season. 

The Newest Normal

Again, she couldn't fall asleep. Stressed about all the coronavirus disruption and missing school and maybe one of us getting sick, our oldest daughter Beatrice wrestles with her anxious thoughts at night because of all the changes (just like me her father when I was her age into my 20's). We still read with both our girls every night, and that normalcy helps, and if needed my wife Amy, Mom with a capital M, will have us all do relaxation, meditation, breathing exercises, and in case Beatrice needs it, we have a little Melatonin at the ready for her to take to help regulate her sleep-wake cycle. Amy and I take it every night as well to help sleep, because sometimes even our own anxious thoughts wrestle within.

We're now two weeks into virtual school and shelter-in-place and like millions of families everywhere today, it's taking different stressful tolls on our entire family, while at the same time, bonding us all closer than ever before. Yes, we can get on each other's nerves, but for the most part, we're doing really well and all getting along and our family love has never been stronger. We're keeping our minds and bodies active: doing science projects, cooking meals, playing games, reading and drawing, with plenty of downtime and nothing as well, and getting out for walks with our new dog Jenny, all the while ensuring the proper social distance between us and others to keep mitigating the virus spread (although, that's getting more awkward and stressful, not less). Heck, my wife and I are Gen Xers and we're actually okay with the social isolation and the downtime (to other Gen Xers, I recommend you read this great piece titled It Took a Global Pandemic, But Generation X is Finally Getting Love by Courtney Dabney -- it's super funny and true!)

We're also playing tennis, otherwise known as chase the balls for those of you like us who can't play very well. This includes Bryce whining a little about chasing the balls, even refusing to chase the balls, with an occasional strong volley between us all. Amy and I used to play randomly at courts that are down the street from us, which still haven't been locked up like many other similar outdoor venues. There's also a public exercise park next to the tennis courts and others have been using it and playing tennis like us, never with any crowds though, just a handful of people at any given time. Even before the lockdown started we'd take the girls to play tennis, using two tennis rackets and two racquet ball rackets. We just bought two inexpensive tennis rackets for the girls (via online order, not in person), so our game of ball chasing should improve the more we play.

However, both girls really miss school and their friends. They've had a few phone calls and video calls with their friends and also playing interactive multiplayer games like Roblox, something they were doing before the lockdown. But there's no more band for Bea. No more science camp that she'll never experience now. No more after school kids in nature program for Bryce. No more sports or run for fun, a weekly running club they were both in. No more after school musical theater that they've both loved so much. No more playdates with friends, except virtually. We've also been checking in with family too and that helps since we won't see them in person for who knows how long. 

And again, there's no more in-person school. They both really miss it, too. Their teachers having worked hard getting distance learning and video calls off the ground for their classes, to give us as parents some semblance of a structured school day. It helps, but mercy me do we appreciate our teachers more than ever. We've always been invested in helping both girls with their schoolwork, and Amy's done more of the heavy lifting here historically do to my work and travel schedule. But now travel is no more for me, so I can now help more during the school days. It's a lot, it really is, helping them with their work, checking it before they submit it, with both of us still working jobs virtually. My organization Talent Board is doing a lot more virtual events and Amy's organization Kidpower is doing the same. We are thankful we're currently employed as millions of people have already been laid off and many small businesses have closed. 

The Triple P– Positive Parenting Program in Santa Cruz County held a virtual parent check-in this last week and we talked about why it was so important to provide as much consistency and normalcy for our kids (and the parents, too) as possible during these stressful, changing times. To make sure that every family can access the internet and has a computer to access classes and schoolwork, at least for kids in grades 3 and higher, although they're working on plans for even younger kids. Our school district has been providing Chromebooks to families and donated wifi hotspots to those who have limited to no internet access. Plus, those families who depend on school meals for their children will continue to get them during the shelter-in-place while the schools are closed, which now will go through early May, and probably the rest of this school year into June. 

My best friend from college was just diagnosed with coronavirus, and while thankfully he's not in the hospital, he told me on the phone, "We can't live a normal life right now; we have to stay home." He's right. And that sucks. It's hard for our children and for the adults in the room, but again, when there's nowhere to go, the reality is that every day brings the newest normal, one that will never be the same as we pine nostalgic for the old. To continually adapt, we still have our weekly family meetings and we check in with each other and talk about all the things every day. The newest normal is the only life our families will know for now, so keep helping and supporting each other. Be safe and bless you. 

This Is The Life

"You can learn about life
When you play the game of Life..."

–The Game of Life

I skipped college and became a dancer. Although I loved dancing, the work was grueling and the pay wasn't great, so then I decided to go to night school and become a veterinarian. I loved animals, so it made sense. Kids, not so much, so I didn't have any. I did get married, though, and my wife and I enjoyed our travels, bought multiple properties over the years, made risky stock market moves and retired with over $2 million in the bank.

All in the span of one hour.

This was family game time playing the board game Life, time we used to carve out each week when the world was a much different place. Family time is still a priority, and now that we can't do much elsewhere or with anyone due to coronavirus and the shelter-in-place order in California, we're spending a lot of time together in our house working, schooling, playing, venting, stressing and the list goes on. My wife Amy has put together a great home school program for our girls and soon our school district will start distance learning. We can still get out and go for walks and exercise, just as long as we keep our distance from others. We're also learning how to play tennis together since we have free courts down the street from us.

Even with the structure, our family is stressed. It's scary and complex how big of a disruption this has become is such a short time. We've never experienced anything like this and our girls certainly never have. Five days of home school and we've only just begun. Our oldest, Beatrice, is struggling with going to sleep with her mind racing; she misses her friends and school and is worried about the virus. And Mom and Dad are struggling with staying asleep because of everything that's disrupting our lives. It also doesn't help that our new dog Jenny is starting to bark at any new distant sound she hears, including in the middle of the night. Ugh, that better not be a pattern. The most mellow of all of us is our youngest, Bryce, although she misses her friends and school just as much as Beatrice does.

The game of Life was always a fantasy game about living your life as an adult. However, playing it today isn't even close to the surreal landscape of what's happening to us all now. Nearly 300,000 infected globally with COVID-19. Over 10,000 dead. The numbers change hourly due to more testing (still woefully unavailable in the U.S.). Community lockdowns are the becoming the common denominator -- don't go out if you don't have to, non-essential businesses shut down, store shelves empty of staples, supply chains struggling to stay in place. By the end of March, over 1 million people will be laid off and/or furloughed in the U.S. alone, and that could go to upwards of 5 million in April.

We were going to run an errand today, with me running inside a store to buy something fun for our family to share, but then decided against it. We'll wait until it's available again online to be shipped to the safety of our house; we all have to acquiesce to this new life we're living.

We also need to figure out how to help those who will need our help, as there will be millions of people out of work. Governments are mobilizing to help, but we must also help on the local level. Donate food and money when you can, especially to food banks and to programs like Meals on Wheels and others that help families in experiencing financial distress, seniors who need assistance and people experiencing homelessness. Check with your local county and city leaders and community service programs to see how else you can help.

But whatever you do, do your part to flatten the curve and stem the spread of this deadly virus. When there's no where to go, keep your families safe and sound at home. Keep in touch with your family and friends from afar regularly via phone and video calls and texts and other messaging apps, as well as your employees, colleagues and peers if you're fortunate enough to stay employed during this global pandemic. And if you are hiring, please share that will your networks. Many more of us may be in a bad way as the months wear on, so supporting each other must be the new normal.

This is the life and it's not a game. Settle in, settle down and be safe. Bless you all.

When There's Nowhere to Go

"There's gonna be nowhere to go," said Beatrice about the fact that we wouldn't be doing much outside of the house due to social distancing.

"Why don't you 'go' into a book and explore the world of imagination," I said.

She didn't find it amusing and ignored me.

"No, really," I said.

Still no response. But then I did get a glare. The good news is that before the libraries closed for an indefinite amount of time (like many public places closing temporarily to mitigate the spread of coronavirus COVID-19), my wife Amy took Beatrice and Bryce to a nearby library branch and checked out a bunch of books for the girls to read.

This is a lot for adults to get their heads around, and unfortunately too many have panicked and made runs on stores for many different kinds of staples, toilet paper, and much more. We stocked up too, but that's something we do regularly anyway since we live in earthquake and fire territory. And now we have a pandemic coursing through communities around the world. Of course, there are those adults denying this is even happening, calling it fake news and propagating conspiracy theories, and that only makes things more dangerous for those most susceptible to contracting coronavirus.

It's even more stressful for our children. Beatrice has told us more than once to stop talking about the virus. Our girls' school just closed for at least one week, but we're pretty sure it's going to extend up to four weeks through their spring break. We've talked to the girls about what coronavirus is and why it's so important to practice social distancing, the fact that it helps decrease the possible spread of the virus to susceptible older people and those with breathing problems. Check on the elderly who live alone; Amy just had a dear uncle pass away, and although we're not sure what the cause was, he was alone.

These are unprecedented times for the entire world and our girls have never experienced anything like this before. We did during the 1989 earthquake, but this is a much different animal. The girls may have a few playdates with their friends during this shut-down time, but if things further escalate, we won't be going anywhere for awhile.

Amy has lots of learning activities planned for Bea and Bryce, and since we'll all be home indefinitely, I'll be helping as well. Besides working from home, there's also house projects we've planned and there's no time like the present, especially when you're trapped at home. But even with all that, a bigger worry for me and millions of families around the world beyond the virus is the economic impact of what's happening.

I understand we're getting a little more frightened every day about coronavirus and its impact; I'm more frightened about it all. When you start shutting it all down, you start impacting all the hourly workers who work in travel, hospitality, entertainment and more, and those who work in retail and more, all of whom can't work from home, who won't get paychecks if they don't work. Thankfully some employers will continue to pay their hourly workers and provided additional sick time if needed.

And now that schools are shutting down, many hourly works with children can't work anyway because they'll have to stay home and care for them and potentially have home school them, which for those of us who have a child who struggles academically, like we do, isn't optimal. And if your spouse and her colleagues depend on schools being open because of the actual work they do, like mine does, then that impacts us, again. Our school district is doing what it can to ensure that our children continue to have lessons, whether we home school them and/or there are virtual learning options available. They're also ensuring that the lower income children who depended on breakfast and lunch meals will continue to get them.

But now the economic ripples are already turning into waves. We’ve been in a growth (bull) market for 10 years, and now we’ve hit the bear-market skids. It’s impacting the economy on all levels with the big unknowns being for how long and with what lasting effects. It's already impacting negatively smaller businesses like mine and many others. Local merchants are taking a huge hit because fewer people are going out to make purchases except for essentials, hence the run on stores (our local Trader Joes, Costco, Safeway, New Leaf and more are doing okay right now).

Plus, some of the organizations I work with are starting to slow hiring, especially those in hospitality, airlines, retail and other customer-facing industries, and this will contribute to the economy grinding slow to a stop. More and more events have been canceled and employers are shutting down travel, even locally, and asking employees to work from home.

A week ago I tried to be more light-hearted about the situation, talking about our new dog Jenny and the last of my work travel for who knows how long. That feels like 10 years ago now. But what happens six months from now when there's nowhere to go and the virus is still here and the economy bottoms out? This is why we need to support our local economies as best as we can during this time; it impacts us all.

Don't get me wrong; my glass is always half full and I believe we will survive this. And while I hope this isn't truly the end of days, I do worry that the more start acting like it, the more it will have lasting negative repercussions beyond the illness itself.

Let's all stay safe and sane during these times and help one another if we can. It may be a year before a vaccine is available, so practice social distancing, get tested if you're sick and self-quarantine if diagnosed and you don't need medical treatment, because we can all still support each other virtually from afar. What we don't want to do is to swamp the hospitals and overwhelm the nurses and doctors like we've seen in other countries.

When there's nowhere to go, we need to take care of each other, especially those who will need extra help during these challenging times.

Bless you all.

Be a Rainbow Lullaby

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby..."

–The Wizard of Oz

She overheard them tell the butcher they didn't get paid until after Christmas, so no, he couldn't help them. They were just checking out the assortment of seafood in the case. That's when she bought $20 worth of crab meat for Christmas dinner.

She, being my wife, Amy. She told me this when she got home, not because she/we felt bad about buying the crab meat, but because the two men who were at counter weren't able to buy anything. She didn't know their story, whether they had families or not, only what she overheard them say briefly in that moment.

The poverty rate grew in 30% of counties between 2016 and 2018, according to a Stateline analysis of U.S. Census Bureau county estimates released this month. The poverty rate is the percentage of people in households earning less than the poverty threshold, currently $25,750 for a family of four.

Close to 13 million children residing in the United States live in families with incomes below the federal poverty line, a threshold shown to underestimate the financial needs of American households. In the United States, although child poverty has dropped by half over the past 50 years, the current level remains a serious problem.

And a staggering 2.5 million children are now homeless each year in America. This historic high represents one in every 30 children in the United States.

Amy and I both grew up poor, probably falling below and just above the poverty line at certain points throughout some of our childhoods, and I grew up with domestic violence and sexual abuse. Years later, before I met Amy, I was married without children, but severely in debt, eventually leading to bankruptcy and divorce. And then years after Amy and I were married, when Beatrice was only two and Bryce had just been born, things were really tight financially and we nearly lost our house, this during the tail end of the great recession.

We're grateful for every opportunity we've had -- for family, friends and peers who have supported along the way -- and we were able to put two dollar bills together to make ends meet like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, one our favorite holiday movies. We're grateful for all the things we've afforded since, the places we've traveled to, the roof over our heads, the food on our table (including sometimes $20 worth of crab meat), and the community we live in (which had a poverty rate of just over 24% in 2017).

This holiday season (and throughout the year), if you can afford more than just getting by, then pay it forward somehow, some way. A little, a lot, somewhere in between -- whatever that amount is. It doesn't have to be money either; it could be time or donated goods. The past few years we've adopted a family experiencing domestic violence and buying them Christmas presents. This year Bryce's class also adopted a family in need and we bought a present for them.

A little, a lot or somewhere in between. Don't feel bad about what you have, but just know that little acts of giving gratitude and kindness can go a long way to help others experience the hopeful rainbow of dignity, stability, safety and a little happiness. However brief that may be for far too many today. Communities can only thrive when their members live inclusively together, helping and supporting each other -- not exclusively apart, regardless of the differences and misunderstandings that all too often drive us apart. We don't have to always like each other, because we don't, but we do have to see each other, to feel empathy for those who are less fortunate and to be grateful for when you are more so, because again, we are the others to each other, and many of us have been there.

However you celebrate this holiday season, be a rainbow lullaby for someone who needs it. Bless you all.

When Actions Have Purpose

She wanted to stop the deplorable conditions at puppy mills. Simple as that. So she and a friend formed a "save the puppies" group, made a plan and approached those in authority to ask for a platform to promote their newfound activism and start a school-wide fundraising campaign to help the local SPCA.

And she's only eight years old.

When I was eight years old, activism just wasn't in my vocabulary. I had friends and cared about things bigger than me, but I was also shy, and really only worried about my sister, myself and my mom being safe around an abusive father. My rich imagination created an insulation of safety that carried me through those early years; when I saw Herbie Rides Again, I desperately wanted to figure out how to create my own lovable bug that could do anything and take me anywhere, especially away from the family stress.

When our youngest, Bryce, wanted to save the puppies, she checked out books about puppies, wrote up a plan with her friend, and then wanted to ask her school principal to run an assembly to raise awareness and money to stop puppy mills and improve conditions. Puppy mills are high-volume dog-breeding facilities with usually horrible conditions for dogs.

One morning my wife Amy took the girls to school and walked Bryce to the office. They stood there waiting for help from the office staff, and when they got it, Amy asked Bryce to speak.

Bryce was shy and uttered quietly something like, "I want to schedule a meeting with the principal."

But the office staff person didn't hear her, and instead looked at Amy and asked her what she needed.

And Amy, wanting Bryce to take the lead, and for the staff person to acknowledge Bryce, said, "She'll tell you."

Eventually it was worked out and determined that the principal would come and find Bryce during recess or at lunch in the next day or two. Which is exactly what happened -- Bryce and some of her puppy club members asked the principal for what they wanted, and while she didn't get the assembly, it was agreed that she could put fundraising cans in the second grade classrooms with signs about what they were raising money for. (Bryce already hit us up at home with her fundraising can.) Both our girls had already saved some of their giving allowance money for the SPCA at the end of 2018 (besides giving some of their money to the Camp Fire victims). And our oldest Beatrice, and some of her friends, are currently doing something similar around donating to help abused puppies and dogs.

One of the many daily meditations Amy and I revel in is Dharma Hum -- I am -- with the centering thought of "my actions have purpose." It is our mantra and prayer. We long to impart these kinds of life lessons to our girls, such as our actions have purpose, and we can choose both positive and negative actions with matching results and lasting purpose. Of course we'd prefer the positive, focused on a life of empathic action helping others who don't have the same abilities or means to help themselves as we do -- whether they be humans or puppies.

Or now, ocean animals.

"Bryce, how's the puppy club going?"

"We're not doing that anymore, Daddy."

"You're not? What do you mean?"

"We want to help ocean animals now because of all the plastic that's killing them."

"Well, okay then. Good job, Bryce."

When actions have purpose. Amen. #BhivePower

But then came the backstory

At first, it was just a picture of a rooster shared on my Facebook page with the Mama's caption, "Sweetie, look what I found!"

It came at an opportune time during a meeting I was at. I shared the picture with everyone at the meeting, who then shared some chuckles back, a moment of levity.

But then came the backstory -- the fact that the rooster belonged to a young woman living in her car up the street from us. She was from the Northwest and had picked up the rooster in Arcata on her way down to Santa Cruz. Her car supposedly had a dead battery and a flat tire. The woman told the Mama that she was living temporarily in her car, but offered up no other information, and the Mama didn't push.

The rooster ended up in our backyard because the woman wanted to go the beach. That's when I started firing off questions:

"The beach? Why? Did she have any track marks on her arms? Did she have pock marks on her face, like from using meth?"

Wow. Where did that come from, Dad?

The Mama answered, "Not that I could tell."

"You didn't let her in the house, did you?"

"No."

"Maybe she's mentally ill," I said.

The Mama sighed. "I don't know. What should we do, though?"

"Get that frickin' chicken out of the backyard, baby. That's what."

"Don't worry, she'll come and get it. But we should help her somehow."

"Were there any signs of abuse?" I asked.

"No, not that I could tell. We could recommend a shelter to her, right?"

"Yes, of course."

We discussed it further for a few, wondering what to do, how to help, but all I could keep thinking about was protecting my family. Why is this young woman traveling alone, living out of her car, with a rooster? What if she was casing our place? What if she was a druggy and/or mentally ill? What if she brought back sketchy guys to get the rooster, or worse, and I wasn't there? 

That's where I went -- immediately to the horrific side of human nature -- which actually surprised me a little. Usually I'm trying to see the converse, the promise of personal responsibility and being one of the good guys and good girls.

Like my own girls, one of whom could grow up and somehow find herself alone, living out of a broken down car, with a rooster...

The Mama and her mother ended up shooing the rooster out of the backyard at the end of the day, a comical event to witness. They tried to shoo it up the street to where the girl was parked, but it just frantically ran across the street to the field and hid in the bushes.

Shortly thereafter I saw her; the young woman came back for her rooster. She looked earthy and wore flowing, hemp-like clothes, and was thin but pretty, reminding me of the Dead Head dancers at the Grateful Dead shows I used to go to. I watched her track the rooster, pick him up, kiss him on the beak, then carry him off down the street.

I watched her and wanted to know her backstory, to see if I could help her, but was worried I'd scare her if I approached.

The reality, however, was that I was scared of her, because of the italicized thought above. A strange mix of empathy, disappointment and despair overcame me, paralyzing me. I could only watch her walk away down the street. The Mama had her mom to take the woman a bag of food, which she did. The young woman was grateful, even teary-eyed. We're trying to figure out how to help her with her car now.

But why is this young woman traveling alone, living out of her car, with a rooster?

I could just ask her, right?