More Mindful, Less Social

"Now you swear and kick and beg us that you're not a gamblin' man,
Then you find you're back in Vegas with a handle in your hand..."

–Steely Dan, Do It Again

It really is like being compelled to pull the handle again and again on a slot machine, this new world order of tech smart devices and social media.

Because I can be a winner this time. Every time, in fact. No gambler's fallacy here. I'll jump from writing this to the Facebook tab in my browser, to LinkedIn, and then to Twitter. When I'm on my phone or my iPad, Instagram is the other handle I'll pull.

Because I want to see what my friends and connections are posting, what my latest post likes and comments are, what's going on anywhere and everywhere at any given time.

And there I go again -- checking the social media channels.

This is highly disruptive and in 2020 I have to make a behavioral correction stat. Sure, I've been drinking the social media Kool-Aid since 2007ish, and I can still pull off writing in longer stretches without getting completely consumed by all the pops, buzzes and whirs. Although at times it is a struggle, I can pull off the deeper focused thinking that needs to happen with running a research business (called Talent Board and the Candidate Experience Awards), managing staff, all the project and planning work, and of course all the professional and personal writing I do. However, research has shown that every time we're interrupted from trying to focus on a deep-thinking task, self-inflicted or not, it can take up to 25 minutes to focus again --

Ha! Almost jumped to the social medias again -- but I didn't this time! Take that, you wicked slot machines!

Because there's also the focal time needed for my family. I'm a husband and father to two young daughters, and it's critical that I put the computer away, the phone down and close the iPad. Especially when my daughters remind me that I'm on these devices all -- the -- time. Which I'm not. I swear.

Thankfully we have lots of quality family time with non-tech activities (for a family that does spend their own ample time on their devices) and we continue to have our weekly family meetings, sharing with each other compliments, gratitude, appreciation and "noticing" -- something nice we notice about each other and/or ourselves that we share as a family, among other family-related agenda items (safety skills, managing emotions, what's on tap for the next week's calendar, etc.)

And then -- You go back, Jack, do it again, wheels turinin' 'round and 'round! Damn those social slot machines!

My wife and I mindfully meditate at least once a day, even if it's only for a minute or three. With so much daily disruption of 24/7 news, constant change everywhere and related repetitive stresses, it's surprising that we just don't go completely bonkers sometimes. Empowering ourselves with daily quiet, calm and thoughtful (and even thoughtless) stillness, somehow wrinkled into the non-stop go-go-go, is so vital for our minds, bodies, hearts and souls. We're very grateful that we can make mindful presence a priority.

The good news (I think) is that my device screen time is on average only 1-1.5 hours per day (it was down 15% last week -- thank you Christmas!). The average American screen time is 3+ hours per day. You should read this article by Kevin Roose, a columnist for Business and a writer-at-large for The New York Times Magazine. He was spending over 5 hours on his phone per day!

While there are positive outcomes of connecting with others down the street and around the world via your devices and social media, the addictive qualities of "always on" and the increased anxiety and depression for fear of not getting enough likes (and not being liked), as well as being bullied online no matter what you post, especially among our children and teens, really needs greater scrutiny by us as parents and the supposed adults in the room. Not to mention our compromised privacy, our personal information being sold to advertisers by the minute, and the now infamous continuous glut of fake news clogging our social arteries.

Ugh, I really do need to push away from my devices and social media slot machines much more often starting now -- and turn off all the constant notifications on all devices. It truly has rewired my brain more than I realized and pulling the slot machine handle again and again and again is affecting everything I do. I'm not going to call it a New Year's resolution, because only the act of doing and changing my behavior daily will make a difference to my psyche, my family, my team and my work in the long run. I do still need to use the socials everyday for work and my personal writing, but I will increase the frequency of other activities sans the tech.

So, let's go on a hike. Check. Did that with my wife this weekend. Let's play a game with the kids like Clue and Monopoly. Check. Did that with the kids over the holidays. Let's put a puzzle together. Check. Doing that with my wife since we got her new puzzles for Christmas (the one at the bottom of this piece is called "The Quest For Knowledge" -- so there you go). Let's close all the social tabs on my browser and turn my phone off so I can get my next research projects done. Check. Will do that starting tomorrow! More mindful, less social. I can dig that.

Wait a minute [checking the socials]. Damn you Facebook! Triple 7's! You go back, Jack, do it again...

The Dividends of Childhood

I only had a few more things to do before we left. Just a few. That was it. My focal strength flowed to the MacBook bolted to my lap while I sat in our cuddle chair, the one the Mama and me bought way back before the girls were born.

But while I worked the Mama was upstairs getting ready, and Beatrice and Bryce were natives beyond restless -- bouncing across the living room impatiently while waiting to go to their fun pre-K and preschool event, the 10-year Bridges to Kinder anniversary celebration.

The irony of the cuddle chair isn't lost on me (wider recliner built for two adults); I sit there and work and write a lot week after week, as long as I'm not traveling. Yes, I have an "office" nook away from everything else I work in most of the time, but I'm still in that chair.

Again, just a few more things to do...almost there...and then boom! Bryce jumped from the cuddle chair arm into the space next to me. Over and over and over again. Bea shrieked and hopped and bopped like a crazed bunny until I finally got mad and frustrated -- because I just have a few more things to do!

Although I know I shouldn't have been. Angry. At. All. That's when I checked myself because I knew the girls just wanted my attention and wanted to play.

I raised my white flag and parked the computer on the desk.

It's actually the same with any device  of choice, because there's always the immediate (gratification) need -- that important text or email to answer, there's always that great photo to share via Instagram, or there's always that quickly crafted witticism to share on Facebook or G+, all the while my girls simultaneously wanting the immediate gratification of my presence.

Guilty as charged.

This was all prompted by an NPR article this week titled For The Children's Sake, Put Down That Smartphone. In it one expert argues:

"And when parents focus on their digital world first — ahead of their children — there can be deep emotional consequences for the child, Steiner-Adair says. 'We are behaving in ways that certainly tell children they don't matter, they're not interesting to us, they're not as compelling as anybody, anything, any ping that may interrupt our time with them,' she says."

Am I putting my devices away? And if I don't, do I feel like I'm telling my kids they're not important? No way, Jose.

I'm always going to have work to do, I'm always going to want the immediate gratification of social sharing, but they're not always going to want my attention and play.

So play I did. That was the right choice.

Business is transitory, and so is childhood, but childhood can pay dividends that far exceed any promising business plan.

Just ask an infamous sock puppet (Daddy wrote, while sharing the photo on Instagram).