Our Children Are Counting On Us

"Half the world hates

What half the world does every day
Half the world waits
While half gets on with it anyway..."

––Rush, Half the World 

The hopeful yet trite saying that most people are good must still be somewhat true, otherwise half of us would always be hating the other half. 

[Pause] 

Maybe that's not fair, to think that half of America, or half the world, hates the other half. That's an over-simplified view of the human experience, even in the realities of today. However, the history of humankind has shown us again and again how easily others are marginalized and trampled underfoot, usually by those in power and the way the wind blows. Plus, our biological human history has been a continuous struggle between the want of experiencing immediate and irrational gratification and self-preservation, and the painful emotional dissonance of rational evolution. 

In other words, we're mostly feeling beings who sometimes think, no matter the amazing human accomplishments throughout history. I certainly raise my hand in full admittance here. 

As a species, we have evolved rationally, ethically, and spiritually, and every generation tests this progress by demanding evidence and pointing out how fallible we are. My wife Amy and I are experiencing that right now with both our teen daughters. Two questioning kids on their own paths to independence and their own identities who grapple with the human-condition realities of today. 

Our oldest Beatrice currently has an honors World History course that we help quiz her on and we always get the tough ethical questions of why. They're studying World War II now, the Holocaust, and development of the atomic bombs the U.S. dropped on Japan to attempt to end the war. Why were over six million Jewish people exterminated? Why did we kill over 200,000 people with the atomic bombs?

And the list of questions goes on and on. Just like I remember doing when I was a teenager. All the hard questions, all the time, and never feeling satisfied with the answers I received. "Most people are good, and sometimes we do bad things, and God forgives us all." 

In my lifetime since, I've always wanted to believe that we've evolved ethically and spiritually, but over time, especially today, I don't think I've ever seen so many poor male and female role models in government leadership, business leadership, and everyday personal leadership who fully embrace, justify, and normalize misogyny, harassment, sexual assault, racism, xenophobia, homophobia, corruption, grift, hate, and violence. 

And I go back many decades now. These detrimental ideals are embraced, then denied, and then forgiven. But they never go away. The fragmented and biased media coverage hasn't helped. The constant misinformation hasn't helped (artificial intelligence and automation has fueled this, too). Finding God hasn't helped either and has perpetuated more hate than love. And the questions from our children pile up. 

Author James Baldwin wrote, "I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain." That's why I recommend more study of inclusive empathy, understanding, and love, to be empathic allies, but that would mean folks would have to deal with their pain, the pain of why we hate and what we have to give up and give in to do that, and again, human biology fights that tooth and nail. 

Amy and I agree we've been judgmental about others and about current events we've discussed in front of our children, about how we see the world and the poor role models around us (and the good ones too), but it's never done out of malice. Anger and frustration sometimes, but never malice. This is why we've worked on as adults and parents is finding joy in the success of others, of those overcoming obstacles and improving their lives and mental health, and more, and how we can help or support their success. In other words, what it's like to have empathy and understanding where others are at, and why they are where they're at. Something our teens remind us of every single day with their adult commentaries. 

Blessings to all those poor role models out there in the world today. I hope some of them can turn it around, for the sake of all our children and grandchildren, and especially for the sake of their own children and grandchildren. 

Because think about what all the children and grandchildren see and hear and what it does to them, how it taints their perception of others and the world. We can choose to love and understand, or we can choose to hate and minimize. Of course it's not a simple dichotomy; human experience is definitely more complex than we acknowledge and the gradations of good and bad are gray at best sometimes. Again, we're mostly feeling beings who sometimes think, so let's "get on with it anyway" and think more about how we're feeling, why we're feeling, and what to do about it that's inclusive for everyone. 

Amy and I believe we can be better, and we can do better. All our children and grandchildren are counting on us. 

To Be Empathic Allies

“Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations.”

―Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid’s Tale

“We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope." 

―Martin Luther King, Jr

My wife Amy and I have always loved "end of the world" stories. When we first met, we discovered we had both read Lucifer's Hammer, a 1977 novel about a comet breaking apart and striking earth and the survival story afterwards, and still talk about it to this day. Then there was The Stand by Stephen King and The Road by Cormac McCarthy, and television shows like The Walking Dead (based on graphic novels), Station Eleven (based on a novel), The Last of Us (based on a video game), and The Handmaid's Tale (based on Margaret Atwood's novel, and now a little too close to home). Plus, many more novels, movies, and TV shows in between. 

Ultimately for us both it was less about the why of the end, no matter how horrible the aftermath, and more about the how of human perseverance and survival laced with empathy and love. As long as there was a thread of hope and love in the story with empathic protagonists, then it reaffirmed our own hopefulness and love for humankind. Of course, that was just as true for us in everyday nonfiction stories, too. 

Including reelecting a convicted authoritarian president (and a congress majority) who only leads with misogyny, racism, anger, and fear, reaffirmed again and again by constant misinformation and lies for the past decade. Over half the U.S. who supported him may disagree with that, and/or overlook it, and/or not care.

The world may or may not end with a cataclysmic bang because of this; maybe it'll only end in a whimper and we'll survive this real-life dystopian future that's coming. In the meantime, it's still soul-crushing to believe that so many of us are driven by that much grievance, anger, and fear. Because ultimately it was never about the price of eggs. That was simply an unfortunate by-product of supply-and-demand economics that most of us don't even understand or care to. 

We're all fallible, feeling beings who sometimes think, not the other way around. It's always been easier to have scapegoats, others to blame for our misgivings and misfortunes, but history has shown again and again how this all ends. That's what worries me the most. Not the end of America or World War III, but the more immediate danger of a newly empowered harassment and violence escalation against women, the LGBTQ+ community, people of color, immigrants, neurodivergent people, people of different religions, and empathic allies like my wife, our children, and me (and many of you). The targets on our backs have never been bigger. And it's not just coming -- it's already here. 

Thankfully a dear friend reminded me that we do need to continue to fight the good fight on the ground in the communities where we live. To be empathic allies who lead with love, hope, and understanding and help ensure basic human rights and safety equity for all. And that's exactly what we're going to do. Blessings to us all. 

Some Place to Feel Safe

"Dorothy? Dorothy? Where are you? It's me, Auntie Em! We're trying to find you! Where are you?"

–Auntie Em, The Wizard of Oz

Year after year it scared me. Year after year it made me feel so completely alone and scared. I knew it wasn't real and I knew the story overall it had a happy ending, and yet, every time I watched it seemed to mirror what I was feeling at the time.

First, the tornado: even as I grew into my teenage years, The Wizard of Oz movie tornado was such an ominous presence of dark, destructive power. I never lived in an area with real tornados, so this was the closest thing I had ever seen, with the exception of a strong dust devil once in awhile. So the part where Dorothy tries desperately to open the storm cellar door and enable to do it with Toto held tightly under her arm always freaked me out. Then she tries to find shelter in the house, which we all know gets swept up into the tornado. It gave me such a feeling of helplessness, and black and white film beginning added to the grim reality that there was nowhere for Dorothy (and me) to go.

Second, the race against time when Dorothy is trapped by the witch: after the creepy flying monkeys capture her and take her to the Wicked Witch of the West's castle, Dorothy is so scared and alone and she imagines Auntie Em is calling to her from inside the witches crystal ball. But then the witch appears mocking Auntie Em and Dorothy, and the sands of time are running out in the hourglass...

When I watch it today, it still gives me chills. And I still cry at the end when she clicks her ruby slippers together and says, "There's no place like home..."

Because there really is no place like home. Decades later my wife and I are grateful every day that we have our own lovely little family. One where love, empathy, honesty, support, safety and stability are the pillars we surround ourselves with. At a time when cultural, political and hateful -ism twisters abound, and things we find repellant and absurd are flying around overhead and snatching away what were once grounded sensibilities and morals, we're thankful that our daughters are still young enough not to ask too many questions about current events.

Because soon they will, and then we'll have to start explaining things like why a conservative radio personality and long-time racist and misogynist received a Presidential Medal of Freedom, which is usually given to men and women who have made an especially meritorious contribution to the security or national interests of the United States, world peace, cultural or other significant public or private endeavors.

And what's even more conflicting for us is that there are millions who felt he was quite appropriate and deserving. By contrast, my wife was just watching the moment when Dr. Maya Angelou -- an American poet, singer, memoirist, and civil rights activist -- received the same Medal of Freedom in 2010. Maybe there were millions of people who felt that wasn't appropriate either. What a world we live in today.

Then a family member reminded me to focus on what matters the most -- family and friends and the good things that do happen in our lives and good deeds we do for others in our lives. And then Deepak Chopra reminded me in his latest podcasts how to be a karma yogi and only say something when it’s useful, kind or helpful. And then Matthew 5:43-48 reminded me that “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others?” 

Yet, like the old scene out of And Justice for All, when Al Pacino's character lights up the courtroom and rants "You're all out of order!" -- I feel like some are quite "all out of order," and it's scary and frustrating, like a tornado heading for me and my family and there's no where to go.

But there's always somewhere to go. Some way to feel good and to do good. Some place to feel safe.

Years ago I remember telling the girls about the movie version of The Wizard of Oz. They sat riveted while I told them about Dorothy, Toto, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion, the Wicked Witch and the flying monkeys. The flying monkeys and the Wicked Witch freaked them out a bit, and at the time, were not quite ready to watch the movie classic just yet, or read any of the fabulous L. Frank Baum Oz books from which it is based on. But hearing pieces of the story transformed them into their own animated storytelling mode, when they used to play with cut-out felt people, objects and shapes on a felt board to create their own Oz-like fables of brave princesses battling dragons then drinking refreshing rainbows.

"Why is Oz only two letters?" Bea asked way back then.

"Because it's that simple, Bea," I answered, not aware then of how wrong I was.

She smiled and then both Bea and Bryce continued their storytelling with the felt boards. I watched them both, Bryce gesturing even more so with her hand and arms while she spoke, while Bea laughed and played along, adding her own commentary.

Years later, Beatrice is again doing musical theater after school and this time they're doing The Wizard of Oz (Bryce is taking a break from this one). Bea wanted to be Glenda the Good Witch, or the Wicked Witch of the West, and instead she's going to be Auntie Em. And she's very happy with that part (plus, she gets another smaller part in the middle, too).

These days I feel like we're the ones trapped in the witch's castle, the adults in the room that feel helpless and scared, and in the crystal ball both Beatrice and Bryce are calling out "Mom? Dad? Where are you? It's us, your kids! We're trying to find you! Where are you? You're going to be okay; we're going to be okay."

There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. 

Someday soon we'll do our best to answer the questions we struggle to answer ourselves. Someday soon we'll know if we've empowered them to fend off and even take on the evil -isms that rip through communities far and wide, leaving nothing but angry heartache and hate in their wake. And no matter what, that they'll love their enemies and always be useful, helpful and kind. Because there's always somewhere to go. Some way to feel good and to do good. Some place to feel safe.

The Highest Level of Special

“I like your shirt.”

He was older man, dressed for summer golf, and his smile seemed sincere.

“Thank you,” I said.

I wore my Do Good. Be Kind. shirt on the plane and he sat in my row.

“So, do you have the opposite phrase on the other side?” he said. “The yin to the yang?”

He smirked and I smiled.

“No, just the positive side,” I said.

“My wife would totally wear that shirt,” he said.

“Why not you?”

“No, not me. My shirt would read ‘Why do I seem so sincere doing business? I fake it.’ Your shirt isn’t how I make a living; it’s not reality.”

I smiled. “Oh, but it could be.”

“Fair enough,” he said.

Sure, he was honest with me, and it was actually pretty tame compared to how many other men (and women) are behaving these days.

Like the current President of the United States of America recently insulting and undermining yet another female leader and trusted ally, and then walking it back, kind of, if you can call it that, saying the relationship was:

“The highest level of special.”

Whether it had multi-layered meaning or not, the context felt mocking.

I try really hard not to play partisan too much in this writing space. And even though most readers know which direction our family leans, I do my best to not be disruptive in that regard, choosing instead to only sometimes push back on the hateful racist and sexist backlash in our country.

Which is a mistake. I’m not doing anyone any favors when I don’t speak up more often for what I believe in, especially when it comes to inspiring and executing positive change. I don’t have to be disparaging to others make a point; it’s pretty clear our president doesn’t respect women in leadership, or most women at all, and prefers authoritarian men to their empathic and diplomatic brothers. And way too many men and women are celebrating this humiliating trash talk and hate.

Misogyny is a long-term health problem in our society, for women especially, but also men like me. Fathers with daughters (and sons) who they empower to be the best of who they already are, who they are becoming, and who they will eventually be as adults, we all care deeply about the world we're living in and want to become for our kids.

But treating women as the lower class gender because of systemic sexism in global religions and patriarchal societies, degrading them, abusing them emotionally and physically, sexually assaulting them and killing them – has been going on for thousands of years. That's a lot of systemic to fix.

My wife and I did a Kidpower workshop recently with families and children ages 7 to 12 years old. Kidpower’s mission is to teach people of all ages and abilities how to use their power to stay safe, act wisely, and believe in themselves. I’ve been training to be what’s called a suited instructor, where during part of the workshops we teach emergency-only self-defense skills when there’s no other option to get away from a dangerous situation and get help.

There was one little girl in particular, so sweet and a little timid, who really came alive when practicing eye strikes, palm strikes and knee-to-groin kicks on me. I’m glad she did, but also hoped she’d never have to use self-defense in her lifetime. Unfortunately 1 in 9 girls under the age of 18 experience sexual abuse or assault at the hands of an adult. This is why my wife and I believe in Kidpower and similar programs around the world that help people stay safe and empower each other to live healthy, productive and positive lives. This is why we feel the Women’s March and #MeToo and Time’s Up movements have been so important.

I’m far from perfect, a work in progress. And yet I know there are many other men and fathers like me who want to be a part of the solution, to work together with women to transform their communities and shift gender stereotypes, end rape culture and deconstruct the patriarchy. That’s just what we’re attempting to do in Santa Cruz with the Commission for the Prevention of Violence Against Women (CPVAW), holding a one-day awareness and prevention conference called Transforming Together on Saturday, October 6, 2018, at the Louden Nelson Community Center.

Our kids are truly the highest level of special and we have to show them we can and want to change how we treat each other as men and women regardless of political affiliation, religious or cultural background, or sexual orientation. Because we can all be better. I really believe that. We really believe that. My wife and I pledge to continue to make this a top priority with our girls, to help transform our community while keeping each other safe in this current celebration of hate.

Like a Superhero Punch to the Solar Plexus

"Beatrice, let's go. Get in front of me now. Come on!"

Bea stalled at the curb. She wouldn't look at me, just down at the ground where she stood on her scooter.

Then she looked up. "Excuse me," she said.

"What? We have to go now. What are you doing?"

"I can't get by you, Daddy!"

"Oh, sorry."

I backed up off the sidewalk and Beatrice rolled past me on her scooter. The scowl on her face evident, she stopped right ahead of me, turned, and punched me in the stomach.

"Whoa, Bea."

It wasn't a significantly hard punch, since I am significantly much bigger than she is, but it was a defiant punch nonetheless. One to let me know how frustrated she was with me.

"Why did you that?"

"You are mean," she said, and rode farther away from me on her scooter.

Ah yes -- Daddy is direct and gruff at times. That's why. I wasn't bullying her, but I was bossing her while not listening to her and understanding her situation: that I was in her way and I didn't realize it or acknowledge it.

She used her voice to let me know how I made her feel. I smiled as she rode away from me because, if I had been someone who was being mean to her and bullying her purposely, then I felt better about her standing up for herself. She used her Kidpower, looked me in the eyes and spoke "in a firm voice." Unfortunately, instead of holding both hands in front of her body with palms facing outwards, like a wall, and telling me to stop, which is Kidpower recommendation of dealing with bullying, she punched me right in the stomach. Not really part of the anti-bullying playbook unless absolutely necessary to defend yourself.

And here's the thing for me and the Mama today -- there seems to be this acerbic correlation between those who defend themselves who have been and are "bullied" due to gender, ethnicity and/or sexual orientation, and the escalation of those who bully to keep them down and maligned. That's probably because it's being reported more often than not, the prevalence of all kinds of bullying being significant. Some studies show that students experience some form of bullying nearly 50 percent of the time.

While the effects of being bullied are well-documented, those who bully are at increased risk for academic problems, substance use, and violent behavior later in adolescence and adulthood. This is the part that bothers me the most now, especially being the father of two girls. Unfortunately the rise in incivility and bullying is being sugarcoated as an appropriate backlash against a supposed overly political correctness.

But that's just a load of crap; it's simply lethargic ignorance to overreact and make it personal. To hurt those we don't like or agree with instead of having a productive and emotionally intelligent dialogue about agreeing to disagree. It's all about the "more" -- we let our misogynistic insults fly more in America than ever. Maybe I'm just paying more attention than ever, but it seems as though as women make more equality progress in the workplace, in public office and at home, and in leadership positions far and wide overall, the more the demeaning rhetoric flies.

I'm livid because of what I'm seeing and hearing, not only from the grand global political stage, but from friends, family and peers who seem to be forgiving this behavior as the status quo. Who add to the bullying discourse by concurring and piling on, or even worse, not speaking up and letting it slide. Who forgive our leaders (men and women alike) at all levels in business, government and in school who belittle our daughters (and sons) this way.

I'm livid and saddened because I believe we're better than that, although the Mama and I are painfully aware of what's coming for our girls as they get older. So like a superhero punch to the solar plexus, we're preparing them as best we can to be fully aware and walk away when they should, and to fight back when they must.