To Do Or Not To Do

The first time it happened I opted to not do it, to not deal with it. So, I called for roadside assistance via our car insurance. In our own driveway.

The second time it happened, less than six months later, I was at a crossroads: do I attempt to do it myself or call again for roadside service. In our own driveway.  

Fortunately for me, I have an amazing and versatile wife who keeps her head cool under these circumstances. I, however, do not. My wife Amy came in the front door and said, "The back tire isn't holding air, and I found a screw in it."

I sat in the living room working as I listened to her words. I cursed multiple times, something I always do when I escalate into being stressed out. 

"Do you want to call roadside assistance again?" she asked.

I thought about it, continuing to curse in my head about the whole thing. 

"No, let's put the spare on. Please help me."

"Okay, let's do it," she said.

As we moved outside to the car I kept thinking about the life-hack lists that parents are supposed to share with their kids, the ones that include learning how to change your tire. Something I hadn't done since I owned my first car in high school. But how can I tell my kids to learn something that I haven't even done?

Amy and I did it together. Our youngest Bryce helped a little with the jack, and our oldest Beatrice came in and out of the house to watch us.

Now we know how to do it. I know how to do it. Later that night I joked with our kids, "Let's go change a tire."

They of course said, "No thank you."

A week later we discovered the Yoda fountain in front of the Industrial Light & Magic offices in the Presidio in San Francisco. This was after visiting the Walt Disney Family Museum, which was a true gem for any Disney fan, learning all about Walt's life from birth to death. Walt was a doer who transformed animation and imaginations around the world, and when we found the Yoda fountain, Yoda's famous quote of from Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back popped into my head: “Do or do not. There is no try.”

I was 14 years old when I saw The Empire Strikes Back for the first time. My sister, an old friend, and I rode our bikes to the theater to see it. I loved it. I've loved everything Star Wars since, too. George Lucas was another doer who transformed storytelling and imaginations everywhere (and now Disney keeps the magic alive). 

But doers don't have to be the most famous or transformative or successful; we all have a choice every day to do or not to do (sorry, Shakespeare). To try is a nice sentiment on the path to doing, but it's also a cop out to not commit fully in doing (thank you, Yoda).

The only way to know is to do, even if doing means failing. We couldn't know the difference otherwise and we couldn't recalibrate otherwise. When we finally changed a tire after decades of not doing (and calling roadside assistance), which again was a choice, through all the angst of the act for me, we did it. And now we can do it again. I don't want to friggin' deal with a flat tire again, but we can do it now. 

This an important distinction and one I hope our teens get. They must, because otherwise they wouldn't have tried out for theater, sang solos in choir, learned guitar, organized a student march, and so many other things, some of which we encouraged, but they ultimately chose and did. The same with me and Amy, too. It's okay not to do, that's always a choice, but to do is to know something new, and who knows where that could go.

The Choice of Chance

"We go out in the world and take our chances

Fate is just the weight of circumstances

That's the way that Lady Luck dances

Roll the bones..."

—Rush, Roll the Bones

We hadn't even been drinking when we blew the stop sign. Up until that moment, we had just been driving around, cruising the main drag, listening to music, and talking about girls. For us, it was normal guy teen time in high school. 

My best friend and I decided to hang out with another friend one Friday night who had a pretty sweet old Mustang. He was in the passenger seat and I was in the back seat. After driving around for maybe an hour, we headed to 7-11 to get Big Gulps and other snacks. As we drove along a side street, our Mustang friend accelerated quickly. That wasn't unusual for any of us at the time when we'd decide to hit the gas and flex our testosterone a bit. 

But this time we weren't very far from a main artery in town, a four-lane avenue that usually had regular traffic at all times including later at night when we were driving around. He hit the gas and didn't let up as we headed to the intersection of the main avenue. I remember us cussing and yelling at him to stop -- and then we blew the stop sign. 

We thought we were going to die a horrible death. Unbelievably there were no other cars near us when we ran the stop sign, but when we got to the other side of the main avenue, our friend driving screeched to a stop, laughing hysterically. That was enough for us, though. Both my best friend and I were all done and demanded to go home. 

Teen risk is a ubiquitous rite of passage that transcends generations. It's a big part of the teen brain two-step of growing up and tripping over itself, hopefully learning and growing along the way. I was a conservatively safe kid and still took more risks than I'd like to admit, including those that were seemingly out of my control like the above example. 

When we were first dating and getting to know each other, my wife Amy and I both commiserated over our own risky teen behavior (and beyond teenage-land) that included sex, alcohol, drugs, dangerous driving and other dangerous activities (like jumping off our roof into the swimming pool), and the list goes on. Now that we have teens, we definitely have revisited these memories, the scary ones and those we remember fondly, no matter how much in danger life and limb were. 

For the past two years, even prior to teenage-land, our kids call us the safetyists. They think we're overly concerned with their emotional, psychological, and physical safety, and that we worry too much. And they're right; these are normal parent-teen time discussions we have every week during our family meetings. 

When it comes to risky behavior, teens have a different level of risk assessment than adults do (although adults don't do a great job at times either). Roll the dice and let's go! We'll be okay! Teen brains are still developing and decision-making is a work in progress for sure.

It's true that there's no reward without risk and risk without consequence is no risk at all. However, the realities of visceral life-changing consequence come from experience, something teens don't have a lot of, which is why we review safety plans with ours every week.

Does that mean we don't want them taking chances in life? Of course not. However, it's the choice of chance that makes all the difference.