Our Fairy Daughter-Mother

"If we go down then we go down together
We'll get away with everything
Let's show them we are better..."

-The Chainsmokers, Paris

We couldn't wait to fly to Paris. No kids, no jobs, no other responsibilities other than our pets that would be taken care of by both our parents. We'd be gone for nearly two months, traveling through Europe, stopping along the way in Internet cafes to email our families about our trip.

At the time, we were never going to have children, and our families, especially mine, didn't understand why. We were seen as selfish for not wanting children, causing a low-level reciprocal resentment between us and my family.

And we were selfish about our lives -- because they were our lives -- and we lived them exactly how we wanted to live them. Unapologetically. Although, my familial guilt nagged at me a lot more than my wife, Amy.

It would be years and a lot of other interrelated family drama later before we changed our minds about having children. Our choice. Our terms. Our love evolving into our own blossoming family, with Beatrice first, followed by Bryce nearly two years later. Some of our past family frozen tundra thawed, and life moved on with various family gatherings here and there, holidays and other days throughout the year.

Even more interrelated family drama later we've made a concerted effort to see and speak with much of our families throughout the year whenever we can. And the "we" in this equation is really singular, the fact that families tend to have specific individuals, usually female, the moms in my experience, who stay connected with extended family, wherever they are in the world. My mom prided herself in doing that until she died, always ensuring loving communication with even the most distant members on birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings, anniversaries -- the endless mesh of life events from childhood to the elder years.

My sister continues to carry some of this responsibility, as does my wife, much more so than me. In fact, I've never really been very good at keeping in touch with extended family over time. It's not that I don't care, I do. It's just that I default to the moms in my life, especially my wife who keeps our extended family fires burning. It's been easier that way. Sadly I am that lazy gender stereotype at times who, in his head, claims to be too busy to do the outreach work.

And yet, there's a new champion in our family for family, one that came on unexpectedly, especially since she doesn't see our families that much, but is always asking about them, always wanting to see them and/or talk with them via iPad, phone, text or in person when possible. That's our oldest, Beatrice. Bryce loves to see family too, but she's too much like her dad, the occasional grumpster who doesn't always want to see or talk with folks, who's too "busy", and who defaults to the Mama to manage all that stuff.

Beatrice -- a caring, compassionate child. An empathic old soul. Our fairy daughter-mother who wants us to be better as a family for our family.

Happy Mother's Day to you, my child.

God bless the Mama

It's the reactions to and reflections of the Mama that move me the most.

Although the B-hive's trust and love of the Mama are conditional -- meaning that  without the Mama's trust and love they most likely wouldn't grow and mature into unconditional adults -- the bonds of mother and child can and should be impervious to mistrust and hate.

This isn't always the case, but with us it is. Of course it also doesn't mean there aren't times when the Mama is tired and frustrated and needs a break. We must all pay respects to our cellular screams and shouts, there's no getting around that, Mama or Daddy alike. Responsible parenting is an 24/7 overtime job, but the intangible benefits of making the world a better place one moment at a time are exceeded only by experiencing the moments themselves.

When watching our girls interact with the Mama, and her with them, I feel like a Daddy anthropologist in the field taking notes on how to be a better parent. Hey, I do okay, and if I was with them all as much as she is with them, then I'm sure I'd do even better, which is why again I'm fascinated watching our family participate in life.

There's a level of patience inherent in the Mama (and mothers everywhere) that takes a lot more energy for me to measure and match. The adage of soothing the savage beast couldn't be truer when one of the girls is melting down before bed for example (or both at the same time; when one catches fire usually the other bursts into flame as well). Within minutes the raging fires are out, almost as if the Mama love is kind of an elephant tranquilizer extinguisher when necessary. (And it is, because I've experienced it myself.)

When people tell us, "Just wait until your girls are older" -- we think, "We are waiting because we're here with them today, not pretending it's tomorrow."

Our own mothers and sisters as well as mothers before them and since have had a resilience and adaptability to daily circumstance in nearly infinite settings, unrivaled domain expertise of which most others can only dream about.

God bless the Mama. Happy Mother's Day! I love you!

It's all in the caring now

Caring is emphasized as much as curing.

That's a sentiment that really touched me when I read David Brooks' recent opinion piece titled Death and Budgets from The New York Times, and kind of where I've arrived when it comes to my parents' health, particularly my mother's.

The rest of our family vacation was bittersweet in that regard, my mother still in the throes of a severe Porphyria attack as well as recovering from a stomach surgical procedure, her body an embattled shell of itself, losing its battle to the years of chronic illness, pain and multiple medications.

That's been hard for the entire family, but we've been so focused on the "curing" and her getting her life back by pushing her to take better care of herself, we lost sight somehow of just simple caring for her as she has cared for us all these years.

Moms are supposed to care for there families unconditionally (although I know every family, including my own, who would argue there are always a few conditions), so why don't we do the same for them? There's a point when we just have to stop blaming our loved ones for not taking the best care of themselves and just encourage them and care for them unconditionally (with a few conditions thrown in for good measure).

My mother was in good spirits when we visited last week, especially since her sweet granddaughters were there (no matter how exhausting they were for the Mama and the Daddy -- enough with the fairy godmother dumbstick, please), but she was limited in what she could do physically. Unfortunately I've never seen her look so ill.

But we still had a great time visiting with them, going out to the local parks for strolls and also visiting a wild animal safari park that the B-hive buzzed wildly about. The Oregon coast is really gorgeous and the weather couldn't have been better.

There were a few times, when Mom's strength was there, when she could hold our girls and play with them a little. Dad could do more, but his strength has been sapped as well because of his own physical impairments over the years as well as caring for Mom (which is why it's time to bring them close).

I contrast that with the years my sister had with my parents helping to take care of her two wonderful children, when they were younger and in relatively better health. Years my family will most likely never have with them at this point.

Family dynamics are not always warm and fuzzy, but for those of us who have parents we love, and for those who are parents today, you embrace the all of it.

Sure some folks would say, "You should've had your kids sooner," or, "Your parents should've taken better care of themselves."

Although my dad would retort, "Should'ves and could'ves don't mean shit."

And I agree, because they don't. Only the "now" means anything and how you respond to the now. No, I'm not resentful. Sad, but not resentful. My sister was blessed with those years as I'm blessed with the moments I've gotten of late.

It's all in the caring now. It's all in the caring.

We love you, Mom and Dad.

Happy Mother's Day!

And what a great weekend it’s been so far!

I was so incredibly happy that my lovely wife and beautiful Bea got to join me yesterday for the Human Race. I raised some awareness in helping to prevent domestic violence, and over $500 for the local non-profit Women's Crisis Support ~ Defensa de Mujeres, whose mission is to end domestic violence and sexual assault by providing intervention and prevention services in a culturally-sensitive way. I did this on behalf of my mother (love you Mom) and mothers around the world who have experienced spousal abuse.

As I tweeted and posted on Facebook Saturday morning – I awoke to the Human Race with a glass half-full of hope.

What a glorious morning for a 7K walk/run! Beatrice was not diggin’ the first half of the race in the jogging stroller, but she warmed up when we put her in the Bjorn.

To date I don’t think I’ve experienced a prouder moment (and I have so many more to come!).

A special thank you to all those who support my cause, either monetarily, voluntarily or in spirit.

Today was a grand Mother’s Day as well! I made Amy a Mother’s Day video that highlighted our journey into parenthood from pregnancy announcement to now. Lots of fun putting together and I’ll have many more of those to go. And there’s nothing finer than a pancake and bacon brunch extravaganza!

Other than Bea helping me make it for Mama for future Mother’s Days to come. Can’t wait for those messes.

Now we’re heading up into the redwoods for an afternoon stroll. (Earlier Mama wanted to go for another brief walk down the street, and I said we’re already going on one this afternoon. She paused, her voice dropping into a low growl, “I sit around the house and play with baby all day everyday, so I want to go for a walk. Now.” Needless to say we were out the door and down the street for some sun and cathartic emotional hopscotch!)

Happy Mother’s Day to all my family and friends!

Mom’s rock, especially the hot one I’m married to. Love you sweetie!

It’s death and taxes, says Daddy K

Seeing my cousin Sherri yesterday at the baby shower prompted me to reminisce with her about the good ol' days when we were children, getting together almost every Easter and 4^th of July with the extended family, and always on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Regardless of family feuding or daily dysfunctional, most of us were good Christian folk that enjoyed the coming together.

And then we grew up. The end.

Seriously, when I started college was one of the last times any semblance of extended family got together for a holiday. Sociologists, theologians and cultural anthropologists could give me explanations as to why these familial shifts and rifts occur, but it's the Sabbath and I really don't want to do any research today.

No, today I only want to speak colloquially writing. One thing that's been clear over the years is the fact that the social glue that holds families together is maternal. It may be paternal world when it comes to running it, but it's the Mama Bear who keeps the family together. Or not.

Men for the most part don't keep the home fires burning. Most of the time they're focused on protecting and providing for the family (or sadly not) – but not about sending the birthday cards or organizing the play dates or planning the holiday parties or running the day-to-day family operations or nurturing the broader bonds of family and friends. Women have the vision and heart for unity and longevity. Why aren't there more women CEO's or heads of state?

These are of course generalizations but there is a lot of truth to families sticking together because of the women around the world. I harbor no ill will against my extended family of lore, but yet the last time I saw most of my cousins and their families in one setting was my grandmother's funeral years ago. Before that it was my aunt's funeral.

Death and taxes, eh guys? And we wonder why we die younger and alone more often than women (besides other factors of course).

Mama A and Baby B will get more from me, though. That's for sure.