Celebrate the Safety of Everyone

Medieval Times reminded me of how we still like to be entertained by strong men and physical games. This was staged fighting, being a dinner show and faux tournament, and no one was purposely maimed or killed. But there was no mistaking physicality of the fighting and I'm sure the actors were exhausted after the show. 

After our high school choirs participated in a music festival, we went to Medieval Times for the dinner show. The huge auditorium was divided into sections supporting specific color-coded knights. In addition to our two high schools, dozens of other high schools from multiple states added to the raucous cheering for their knights. 

I know. It was only a show. Nobody died. The fighting was fake. We were very much entertained and the food was better than I thought it would be; we had to eat with our hands. Good times.

We always want to be entertained. Don't we? Today's professional sports feature both men and women battling it out with rabid fans cheering them on. The same with high school and college sports. I've loved sports in my life. Not so much now, but I still like to watch football now and again. 

We celebrate champions and shame the losers. And because we like winning so much (I use the collective "we" loosely here knowing it's not everyone), we forgive the transgressors of their greater sins. Time and again it's the men who fall into this category considering thousands of years of patriarchy and misogyny. 

Men in sports who harass, assault, rape, and perpetrate domestic violence on other women, usually girlfriends and spouses. Otherwise known as intimate partner violence. There have been many high-profile cases in the past two decades, and probably more so since the reporting of domestic violence, assault, and rape may be higher than it's ever been. And many of these athletes had little to no punishment and continued to play sports and receive paychecks for those who played professionally.

We want to be entertained regardless of who gets hurt. We want to win regardless. 

Even with reporting supposedly up, it's impossible to exactly know how many men in sports have committed harassment, assault, and/or rape across professional, collegiate, and youth levels across the globe since 2000.

However, data indicates the number is in the thousands, with reports showing that 96% of perpetrators in these cases were male.

It's not just athletes. Men across the socioeconomic spectrum continue to be entrenched in our ongoing culture of patriarchy and misogyny. According to Jackson Katz, Ph.D., "They’re all men who were socialized into a misogynous culture that dehumanizes women, turns them into sexual commodities and licenses men to mistreat them." He was specifically talking about the men in the Epstein files and the men who raped Gisèle Pelicot in France, but this applies to all men from every facet of life. 

Jackson Katz, Ph.D., is the co-founder of the Young Men Research Initiative and a prolific writer about violence against women. I've started his new book titled Every Man: Why Violence Against Women is a Men’s Issue, I've read and watched a lot of his work and can't wait to read his book. 

Only 2%-10% of reported harassment, assault, and rape turn out to be false. But again, that's based on the victims who actually come forward and report the crimes. And too many of us still blame the victims in the end. 

We celebrate the men and we shame the victims. Again, the collective "we" meaning society in general, but not everyone specifically. There are those of us who want to change the misogynous assault and rape culture that's so embedded in our lives from birth. Mr. Katz has also said, "If it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to raise a rapist."

We can break the latter without sacrificing the former. And it all starts at the beginning. Only then can we celebrate the safety of everyone. 

What's Essential And Necessary

I couldn't believe my eyes. I sat there, completely stunned, in utter disbelief, watching the U.S. Capitol being attacked. There they were, tens of thousands of angry Americans, mostly white men, marched to the Capitol, rioted and broke inside waving American flags, Trump flags, Confederate flags and some carrying signs that read, FUCK YOUR FEELINGS -- GOD, GUNS & TRUMP -- STOP THE STEAL.

Fuck my feelings? Brothers and sisters, I'm nothing but feelings. I always try to be as balanced as possible with my writing, to avoid politics whenever possible and stay focused on parenting and personal safety, but I've been angry for days, unable to express how I feel about what's happened. 

Until now. While many have equated it to witnessing the 9/11 attacks, and how we're always going to remember, where we were and what we were doing, that wasn't exactly the right comparison for me.

No, for me, it was more like if angry strangers broke into my house and ransacked it, defiled it and threatened the safety of my family. All because they believed I stole something from them, even though I didn't, and even though there was plenty of verifiable evidence to back that up. For me, it was like an extreme violation of my house -- our nation's house. 

Except in this analogy they weren't really angry strangers -- they were more like friends, family and neighbors. 

My own anger seethed because, in the hours I watched off and on what was happening in Washington D.C. -- where five people died including one police officer -- I kept thinking about how my wife and I were going to explain to our two daughters about this latest divisiveness. Of how our own President and other government leaders have perpetuated lies and conspiracy theories for not just months but for years to further their own destructive power, instead of helping to heal our nation. All of which finally led to this rioting and this insurrection. 

Because sadly, so many people have believed these lies, some being our friends and family. I kept thinking of how we were going to keep our family safe if this hateful violence grew, just like it had in other cities with all the unrest due to the social and racial injustice and inequity of 2020, which we're still reeling from. I also kept thinking about how we're all still in the middle of a pandemic with thousands of people dying every day, while millions of Americans struggle to find work and to feed their families. 

That night at dinner, while Congress reconvened inside the Capitol, we talked to our girls about what had happened. We did our best to keep it balanced and stick to the facts as we knew them. I used another analogy for them: imagine you're in your classroom and the teacher and half the students in class say you stole something from the teacher that was not really stolen. You know you didn't do it, but they get angrier and angrier because they want to believe you did, and so they attack you. 

Not the best explanation, but both girls seemingly nodded in understanding of what we were talking about. Either way, the girls know where we stand ideologically and politically. They just didn't understand how people could do that, though, just like when we talked with them about the rioting violence last year. 

The difference being this -- angry black people with no entitlement who initially peacefully protested about systemic racism and the history of violence against them (verified) that unfortunately turned violent, which we found unacceptable -- versus angry white people with entitlement who initially protested not-so peacefully about widespread voter fraud (fabricated) who were then encouraged to be violent, which we find unacceptable. 

But after days of feeling this way, my own anger turned into heartache and tears. Why do so many people, including people we know, believe these destructive lies and conspiracy theories, with little if any factual basis? 

Last summer I remember there was someone I knew who shared a social media meme filled with conspiracy theories and lies so outlandish, that I couldn't verify any of them anywhere. I then asked if she really believed all these things she posted. She said she did. 

And now we're here today, with not only the thousands who rioted at the Capitol, but also with the millions who have been all in on some level of these lies. All political commentary aside, these past few days I've worked hard to strip away as much of the emotional stain of this tragedy as possible. I truly want to understand why people believe in these dangerous untruths. How are we going to communicate otherwise?

That's not to say I don't have my own biases and beliefs that may prompt similar "why" questions from others. We all do. And we justify them with confirmation bias in the light of whatever we read or witness, regardless of contrary facts. But I still do my best to verify what I see and hear with multiple credible sources.

As I was writing this piece, I read an American Psychological Association (APA) article titled Why We Believe Alternate Facts. It helped me clarify what I've really been wanting to ask. And not just due to recent events of the past few days, but for a lifetime of questions I've had. 

The question to ask isn't "why do people believe what they believe?" -- it's to ask "why do they want to believe what they believe?" Ah, yes. That's it. Why do they want to believe.

It always comes full circle for me, back to patriarchy, of men systematically marginalizing women and people of color to dominate and rule. I've written about the power of patriarchy more than once, and how I still struggle at times with feeling emasculated. I've known many white men (and women) over the years, who have struggled with the fact that other women and people of color have fought for their own equality, who continue to fight, which in turn makes the white men feel marginalized. Instead of becoming part of the new equality solution over the decades and doing something to better themselves, their families and their communities, they would rather rage at the changes and those they've dominated over for a very long time. White racist leaders are especially guilty of this and stoke the fires of hate readily.

For example, this lie: due to widespread voter fraud by the Democrats, liberals, black people, brown people, women, etc., their take-no-shit no-apology President, who celebrated their male-dominant white entitlement over and over again, was taken from them. 

That's why they want to believe the election lies. Why they think they're being patriots, like what one journalist overheard a woman at the Capitol riot who said to a small group, "This is not America. They’re shooting at us. They’re supposed to shoot BLM, but they’re shooting the patriots."

Someone I'm reading more of these days is Jackson Katz, Ph.D. who's known internationally for his  scholarship and activism on issues of gender, race and violence. He was interviewed in the aftermath of the insurrection and said:

I was obviously outraged and concerned as an American citizen, but I also experienced Wednesday’s events through the lens of media spectacle: a throng of aggrieved white men, and some women in supporting roles, engaged in a pathetic display of performative patriotism and masculine bravado while the whole world was watching.

In many ways it was a perfect distillation of the essence of Trumpism: heavy on grievance, symbolism and perceived victimhood, and light on any realistic strategy for doing anything to solve our society’s myriad and complex problems in the 21st century—including the problems of millions of frustrated and alienated white men.

It's also what the sociologist Michael Kimmel has called aggrieved entitlement:

Men get stuck in a permanent dysfunction called “aggrieved entitlement,” in which they “refuse to even be dragged kicking and screaming into that inevitable future” of greater gender and racial equality. 

Again, my anger turns to sadness; this patriarchal behavior will continue. And I will continue to rage at my own white male-dominant upbringing because of it. But I also want to help be part of the solution, to help other men unravel from generations of hateful knots we all choke on. 

Even with those of us unraveling, it will most likely be decades before we can fully undo "aggrieved entitlement" and evolve socially, culturally and spiritually. My heart aches for America, for all its communities and families from all backgrounds. My heart aches for those men (and women) who want to believe destructive lies, and for those of us who don't. 

My wife Amy shared her 2021 intentions recently that included her continued love for family without judgement and to continue on her empathic spiritual journey. I agree with her, and include both family and friends in those intentions, even though these days sustaining strained relationships with eyes of love isn't easy. However, it is what's essential and necessary for all our futures, especially our children's, and why I'll keep evolving in inclusive light and love, while helping other men (and women) do the same.